Cold
I love him
You don't
I want him
You don't

Love, surfing
High tides
But when it is low
Where does the love go?

I never loved you because I was lonely
I was lonely because I loved you.

I’ve been drunk or high
Or something close to ***
Most nights
Every night actually
If I’m being honest
And anytime I’m not
I’m searching for a distraction
Or sinking
I loved you
In many different ways
But this part is the worst
By that I mean
the leaving

I'm trying to be happy with the little corner of the universe I can control

I can not manipulate the night sky to call me back after 9

I can not ask to borrow the Moon's favorite dress

I can finish that book

I can wear those jeans

You

Have not taken

Everything

From me

Every time he touches her
My heart breaks a little
And by the end of the night

It was completely shattered
...

i am a survivor from the cursed war of love
from every simple like to every simple crush
from all these stupid feelings from all these so called
winnings to lost in a river of confused feelings
misunderstood, misunderstand, misshapen, wrong
taken, problem making. life was perfectly complicated
without the war of love

Our love is like a time capsule-
I put it in the ground
.

I didn't ask

I didn't want to know

I didn't need this feeling

Of almost
Of Incomplete

But its the nightmares of intimacy

That hurt me

The most.

Closure,
Getting,
Closer,
Hold her,

Silver lining,
Makes it,
Harder to,
Put the time in,
Cause I'm no good at rhyming,

Aware,
A war,
Is coming,
And it's not,
Gonna be funny,

Lovely,
Not good at love really,
Never really tried,
Always got too tired...

Soft yellows swirling,
twirling,
into funny orange.

Orange shifts,
tips,
into maddening red,
(like your blood)
and it is spilled all over my keyboard.

Purples spill from your mouth onto your fingertips,
(I can almost hear you muttering it)

go **** yourself.

And I am holding hands with my depression while it screams into a microphone
It's used to being center stage
The center of attention
Poking, proding
I'll kiss my love on the lips and it'll tug at my shirt whispering
"I'm still here"

It'll grab at me on car rides
Pinch my walking down the street
Make my nose bleed in bookstores
Break my fingers in urban outfitters
"I'm still here"
"I'm still here!"
"I'M STILL HERE!!"
Slowly getting louder as I try to push it down

Sometimes I muffle it
Quiet it
But I can never completely silence it
My hand slips
And a battle cry is released into the night
the duct tape wasn't tight enough
Or maybe my grip

I guess I stopped kicking it eventually
Stopped fighting it
Stop tying it
It was
The thing I kept in my basement but instead of me trying to make it stay and it trying to escape
it fought me to be cemented in my mind
taking all my resources starving me emotionally

Maybe sometimes physically

I accepted that it was a part of me

I let sing to me
Occasionally
After all
We're both in the basement
And we're

bored

It would sing things
Hopeless,
Frantic,
Scary things

They don't like you
There isn't a point in breathing it's mundane, it's uninteresting

You have hurt so many people and been hurt by so many people you're beginning to forget where the line is
And which side you're on

If she knew you now
She'd be disappointed
But she's dead
She died before you tried to let her learn who you grew into

They'll all die

You'll die

We are all just putting off the inevitable
Isolate yourself

You know you're happier alone
You know he doesnt really love you
So stop answering the phone


One night
My depression took out a knife
And slit her thighs
I was asleep but she bled on me all night
And in my dreams

I knew the warmth was from tragedy

Though I never bled with her
I let her keep me red

Keep me angry

"You'll never have a dad!" she yells.

"You'll never go away"
I frown at the shriveled little body of memories and chemical imbalances and tubes and guts and hearts and other dismembered parts
And I think

I've known you for so long
But i've never really looked at you

I am surprised
How different
How separate
We are

You grab me
Poke me
Yell at me
Hold me
Hurt me

But you

Are not

Attached to






                                 Me.

On my toes,
Hand on the barre
Your hand has my waist
I find comfort in your embrace
I lift my toes to rest in the crease of my knee
you can let go
Is what everyone tells me
I take my hand off the barre
I trust you To hold me upright 
Or at least catch me

*I fall on already bruised knees.