This song is car rides,
And bedrooms,
It's 4am,
It's tears,

This song is night,
This song is my childhood,
This song,
Played for so many,
Parts of my life,

Mostly the divorce,
Mostly the pain,
This song,
Brings me back,
To my,
'Scary'
Days,

This song is old friendship,
And old people,
Lost.

This song,
Is pumped up kicks.

Shaky hands,
As you lift the,
Glass to your lips.

If you breathe wrong you waste ****.
That's what I've learned at least,

From you.

Stealing kisses,
Under moonlight.

We don't need drugs,
We're high off life.

Adrenaline pumping through our veins,
As we silently,
Quietly,
Run up the road,
Bare foot,
Holding flipflops,

So your mom doesn't hear us,
Running away from the house,
From our demons.

Only we exist,
In this nightly world,
Darkness surrounds us,

But its not scary,
Its comforting.

Heaving chests,
Lips connect.

We're tired from chasing a feeling,
Out of breathe from running away,

And i'll always have you,
Nothing can take you away.

Its summer, and we're teenagers,
And we're stupid.

We're getting married one day anyways.

I still get little things that remind me of you,
And I wonder do you get that too?

On the couch
Me wrapped up in you
Like some present in the back of a Christmas movie
Heartbeat
Against my skin
This
Must be what it is

On the way home
My head in your lap
Wrapped in the soft blanket you brought so I wouldn't get cold
Staring at the cieling of your father's truck
Your face staring at me in my peripheral vision
Could be the 6th night in a row
That we have been together
And we both know it won't last forever
But your smile sends a shiver down my spine
And I never knew what it looked like
I'd never seen it
Maybe I could imagine it
But I never tried
With you
It came so easy
And I know everyone says that
The same way everyone says it gets better...

I come home
And let out a big sigh
This must be

What love looks like.

The girl you met at a party
And bonded with over how your father's are *******,
And which year you wanted to **** yourselves.

Who, you would laugh with
But never date
Not just because she's gay,
But because her anxiety is crazy,
Like yours.

You will talk about beer
And she will notice that boys with drunk families either love
Or hate the stuff

She will see you growing older
Becoming a drunk like your father
And watching your potential
Go down the drain

Because you tell her how you missed 80 days of school
And they can't technically expel you
Because you had a doctors note for your anxiety
She tells you how she didn't learn anything in 6th grade
Except which pills to take
To numb her brain

She will hold your hand while you run down a hill
Away from the other 'normal' kids,
For quiet.

She will grab your shoulder when you tell her you punched a brick wall till your fingers broke
And tell you "buddy, get some better coping mechanisms"

You'll talk about beer again
And she'll talk about how flowers make her angry

You'll play truth or dare
With normal kids
And you will get defensive of her

Why did you get defensive of me
So quickly

Is it because I was vulnerable with you?

Is it because I hugged you when you left and told you

If your father ever hits you again

Call the ******* cops.

Is it because you see you in me?

Is it because I am the healthy now you strive to be

If she could keep you alive a little longer
She would show you all the songs she wrote for you

"I wish I knew you in 8th grade
Because I would've never let you near that belt in the first place"

You say you're happy you didn't **** yourself, because now you have her.

She talks to you everyday
And her dark comedy flies through
Stupid movie quotes

With her
You talk about the future
Like something you look forward to,
Not like a fairy tale your mother told you,
Before you knew what scars looked like,
Before you knew the color of your blood.

Because suicide isn't quirky.

I am a friend of indecisive,
Of misdirected,
Of **** infested,
I am a friend of pain,
I have an enemy,
Who bits my ****,
But he underestimates me,
He thinks I'm lame,
I am a friend of confession,
Depression,
Of bipolar,
Of anxiety,
You don't know who you are without me,
You become familiar with me,
You get close to me,
I'm the only thing you know,
With all certainty,
You can quote my regularity,
If other people push me out,
And your lost without me,
You'll invent me again yourself,
I am close cousins with stress,
But even closer to hate,
You will think of me In the wee hours,
You will miss my touch,
I have many faces,
Many things that keep me going,
Whether its your fear of failure,
Or you fear of any noise in the house at night,
Or Your mothers disapproval,
You weren't there for your best friend,
Why hadn't you read that text,
You have nightmares,
She's gone now she's dead,
I am best friends with PTSD
And abuse is my criminal partner,
You're scared of candles,
Scared of fire,
Because of the way you used to burn yourself,
You used to hurt yourself;

Everyone has bad days.
Some you want to take your life,

Others,
You can't believe,
You'd ever dream of it,
You'd ever think of it,
This is your last sunset,
But they never think that,
They only see bad things and i get it,
Suicide isn't romantic,
Depression isn't cute.
But my friends only think of reasons to die,
Never ones to live,
This is your last sunset,
This is your last sunrise,
Last baby's laugh,
Last tear you'll cry
And it sounds good at first,
At first it sounds so much better then Breathing;

But if you go on the bad days,
You'll never reach the good ones,
You're out,
You're the gender you've always felt inside,
You've found love,
You have a child,
You get sad to think,
That you could have ever thought that.

Stay strong.

Light colors pink and purple
Leaving streams of black and blue
Red is fading in the corner
Clear tears and green blood
Trace the fingers of Orange
Hands.
Painting is a right
Painting poetry
As the sun shines through the window
onto your face.
A purple blue sky
A red and green bind
Painting is a right

I mouthed the words while we were lying on your bed
Your fingers tracing my arm
Our faces so close
Our legs so tangled
Your eyes were closed
You tell me I am the only person you feel comfortable talking about 'feelings' with

My arm on your neck
I mouthed the words I don't yet know if I could ever say to your face
I don't know if I will ever understand them enough to
"It's different with you"
"It's never been like this before"
We work so well
You make me so happy
"I'm usually a depressed ******* in the summer, but this summer is so different. Not all because of you 'cause that wouldn't be healthy. But you changed something in me."

And I know you're not perfect
And you know I'm not perfect
But together

We're pretty **** close.

So I thought I was depressed again.
Which is like,
Totally confusing because I was depressed last week and I shouldn't be due for another 'episode' for at least three days

Turns out I'm not depressed
Just severely ill
But its funny how I mix up all the symptoms now
Like being tired all the time
Or the headaches
Or the lack of appetite

So this was really confusing to me,
Cause I'm a girl who likes to eat,
When I'm healthy,

And mom kept asking me if I was okay,
Over and over
And I kept saying yes, I'm fine..
Just the usual.
Mom says I'm a little more pale then usual
A little more tired looking
And I say "wow thanks mom, like I totally care about appearances right now" and I laugh

And she doesn't

I only realized I was sick when a doctor told me I was,
Which is completely different from being depressed because the same doctor tried to tell me I wasn't

Sooooo confusing

So I'm actually sick physically for once?
Not just mentally.
Ha,
Isn't that funny.

my poems of you will be deleted.
along with our memories.

Do you ever get the feeling?
When you know that you won't sleep,
The a certain kind of quiet,
That seems to never leave,
A pounding in your ear and a whisper in the dark,
Seem to be the only things keeping us apart,
It's 1am and here I am,
Contemplating life,
Playing it off cool,
When I'm engulfed with fright,
And that's when it happens,
Your creative juice starts flowing,
Even though it can feel quite freaky and alarming,
You reach for pen and paper,
Bleed out your so called closure,
Continue to do this,
As the days get older,
And here you are with blood stains on your sleeve,
And demons in your sleep,
It feels like one of those night perfect to stay awake

Cuz I like crooked teeth,
And freshly washed sheets,
And mugs that fit well in my hands,

But sometimes that just doesn't matter,
When depression has stolen your
plans.

And I like warm nights,
And summer's on swings,
Or having a day at the lake,

But when you feel like you're dying,
All the things you love,
Dissipate.

Cuz sometimes even,
Nice teacups,
And music,
Can't change the people you hate,

Because everytime,
I look in the mirror,
I see something i,
Want to change.

nine







nine are left,
my old poems.
only nine.

copy, paste,
repost,
delete,
but now,
only nine remain,
ghosts of depression,
of loneliness,
of love,
cover,
my computer screen,
even now,
i'm not sure what they mean.
copy,
repost,



delete.

When's the last time you had sweets?
Colorful
And cold
And teeth rotting material,

When's the last time you had me?

The actual me,

Because I've known you for years,
And you've never known the real me.
Around you i'm quiet,
I'm kind
I'm never kind
And that isn't me,
I can't even be sarcastic
But I'm always overdramatic.

You're friends,
With the person I no longer am,
Not that you took anytime to get to know me but,


When I start to act
Like my actual self.

If you don't like that person,


You can give up, sugar.

You have to laugh
Otherwise it isn’t funny
Teenage sobriety
Turns into a joke.

I'm nostalgic for a time that's not yet over,
The low hum glow of my phone,
Playing a new,
Chill band I found on Youtube at 3am.

Car ride,
With music blasting my eardrums,
While the shadows of trees cast on my face,
And warm air caresses my cheeks.

My hand on the wheel,
Of my mothers subaru,
Driving through school parking lots.

Lying on the grass,
Looking at the lake,
The sun sets,
And I experience a calm like no other.

"Hi!" I wave,
Another party,
New faces,
Music,
Friends.

More drives,
More music,

I pray this never ends

Cool day,
Sitting in this dressing room
Girls attack me with fits of laughter,
Begging for jokes,
For stories.
Asking me for anything,
To make them feel valued.
"My dad is horrible"
"My parents are divorced"
"I heard Anya cuts herself"
I give them advice,
Pretend that I'm wise,
Even though I'm trying to figure it all out myself.

Dark,
Stars,
Chill,
Night.
Sitting on swings,
Talking to you,
About our entire lives.

I'm nostalgic,

For a time thats not yet over.

But I'll be so devasted when it is.

Push my shoulder blades together,
Force my chest open
To breathe cold, frigid air.

Remove the collar from my shirt,
Suffocating me,

Keep me on the porch tonight,
To air out uncertainties,

Have the cold air dry my stinging tears.

My body shaking from the cold,
Or maybe my lack of breath.

"Come inside now! You will freeze!"
My aunt yells to me,

But out here,
I can breathe.

Cloudy skies,
Stormy conversations.
Lightning strikes of vocal chords.
Warm air,
Hot breath.
Clouded.
Clouded minds,
Foggy observations.
This conversation. Is electric.

I've got planets in my ears,
Stars in my eyes,
Black on my body,
And a heart full of lies.

I am somewhere
Just left of breath
With winding trees
And knobby knees
And knuckle breaking
Soul punching
Regret
I am somewhere
East of guilt
North of normal
South of sensible
You were just west of everything I ever wanted

But alas I was never good with directions
And my maps are always upside down
Or I'm always in the wrong town
The map reads:


Lonely
Population: Me


I am never exactly where I want to be
Second star to the right and straight on till morning you traced the sky on me

My world was almost broken
When I found out i was nothing but a token rifle in a gun cabinet loaded with your lust for human decency

You never did find any in me

I guess we're even now

Because I've been doing a lot of that lately

Getting even
I just never thought you were competition
But you played these games
And you ran the race and I followed you
Blindly
I believed you were the one person
Who didn't wish me to be less of me

But there you go
Pining after me
After I've already told you
I will not kiss your ****** fists
And I ask you,

I ask you how your girlfriend is.

And the conversation ends.

Because you know what you're doing and I know what you're doing

And when the GPS said road work ahead

Because you are so broken,
And you refuse to stop choking
untrustworthy out of unknowing girls

I took the detour
Because I knew it
And you knew it too


I don't think I can be his friend

Conversation can't be innocent with you

Some girls get personally offended that I don't wear thongs to hip-hop class
Girls
girls
Girlworld

I live in a small town with even smaller minded people
Where the women never blossom into swans
Just fairly racist chickens
And the men stick around long enough to wean their boys on alcohol and guns and then they leave with the son's respect for women
And their daughters hope for men

I want to paint my room
Yellow, or gray, or blue
Anything but this purple
I want to paint over the galaxy I wrote for you

I wear boxer shorts to bed
They're stolen from the first time I laid my hand on a woman
The first time I tasted alcohol
She was wearing them when I tasted her
I took them to remind myself
These things actually happen
That I am allowed to feel
That my wild side need not be confined

When I was young I fought so hard to be living
At least, I thought I did
But I didn't really
It's impossible to fight smoke
Or cigar ash
Or shoelaces
Or the rainbow liquid dripping out of the bottom of the blue suburban

The truth is
And has always been
I'm not sure of what I am supposed to be fighting
Is it the girls?
The money?
The standards?
The lonely?
There is only one thing I will ever be sure of about life

And that is that now,

I enjoy it.

the street you walk down,
dim lights on every corner,
its dark out,
It's warm out,
You prefer the street
After hours,
You prefer the world
After hours,
When it's
Quiet outside and there's finally peace,
You prefer your body,
After hours,
You prefer your mind
after hours,
When you sleep then nothing,
Hurtful matters,

And you lived,
Happily,
After hours with me.

What are these roads?
We've walked them before

Your love is a pain,

I wish to endure

It's hard to believe that you exist.
Outside of my own guilt.

Dear Josiah,
I didn't know you well,
I'd met you a few times,
I know your  siblings very well,
They're some of my best friends,

Dear Josiah,
Although I didn't know you,
i see you in the tears of sarah,
in the whimpers of grace,
in the scars on bethany.

Seeing the look on your mothers face,
Seeing tears in your fathers eyes,
A divorced couple,
Sets aside their differences,
For one thing they have in common,

They lost their  son.

Dear Josiah,
I watched your sister grow up,
i watched her try not to care,
To push the feelings out,
But tears,
And cries,
Made there way to her,

i hugged Your crying little brother,
Only ten,
who Has never known tragedy like this,

Dear Josiah,
It wasn't your fault,
But you will live on in the hearts,
Of many.
God bless

Laughing kids,
Each smile painted on their face,
In whitening toothpaste,
Beautiful girls and,
Athletic boys,
And you,
And me,
The two from ****** up families,
Talking about our shared anxiety,
A party,
I will find the one most broken,
And talk to them,
Because everything they say is just,
So **** relateble,
You tell me you've broken fingers,
Punching things,
And everyone laughs and says:
"He totally has!"
And I tell you that my fingers never broke,
But my wall did,
On several occasions,
You tell me your dad,
Is always drunk as ****,
And I tell you mine didn't need alcohol to hit,
You tell me you never go to school because of your anxiety disorder,
And anger issues,
And depressive episodes,
I tell you: "oh my god me too!"
Because you're just,
So **** relateble.

When I layed
With her body against and on my body
Her head just under my chin on my chest listening to my heartbeat
Her light brown hair with hints of red when it hits the sunlight just right
against my skin
Steady breath compared to my uneven, nervous,
Her hand across my stomach
Rising and falling
My fingers tracing circles on her back
Like I sometimes do with him
Our strong legs tangled
Worried if I move she will shift
Like a cat that has fallen asleep on your lap
And is
So warm.

When I see you
I feel so warm
Heart leaps
Come talk to me
I see you
Working at the library
Or every night at dance class
And you like that I flirt with you
And you like that I like girls sometimes
And I like that you like girls all the time

But you are slightly out of reach
Me, tied to another
You, tied to nothing imparticular
Him, I love him, but....

Tonight I push these thoughts out of my head

Tonight we are one body

More intimate than ***

And it didn't last that long.

We were in a room full of other people watching a horror movie and pretending to be scared so we could touch each other innocently...

but I'll never forget your warmth,

Or your hair

Or that couch

Or what we did there.

if my fingers could scratch past the glass,
to reach your bony hands,
i would never stop trying,
to hug your thinning body,
to rub warmth to your fingers and your soul,
you have shown me love like i have never known before.
i wish i could break the screens,
to get to you,
so that i could somehow save you,
i could be there for you no matter how bad things got,
we could stop fooling with i miss you's
i really want to see you,
if only,
i could get past the
SCREEN

I watched a movie
That comedically displayed
Suicide
And *******
Did I try to be offended
The whole time
But I feel like
For me at least
When you've been suicidal before
And you watch a movie
Like that
And everyone laughs
You learn to laugh along too.

And maybe
Some people
Could take offense
But that movie is a masterpiece

I learned somewhere along the way
(Maybe when I lost all faith in humanity)
That some things
You just gotta laugh at

The kids who make the most jokes about suicide and depression
Have often lived it
Dark humor
Is more or less,
Earned

And I think I've payed my dues.

Three months of me,
Stealing your razor blades,
From your pencil case,
Because blood,
Doesn't stain sheets,

Not on my watch.

It's little things,
Like your eyes,
And your laugh,
The bubbles at your feet,
During a bath,
The curve of your spine,
And the whole of your lips.
It's little things
that make me want to fall in love
like this.

pick, take, place, return,
repeat,
no more,
I promise.
I return.
I pick, I take, I place, I return.
constantly.
I pick the life, I take their time, I place it back on the counter,
a week later,
and then I return.
to the wisdom creator.
the power,
to relieve me of my woes,
of everyday life.

she, the one with the computer, and the scanner,
has the power to give me other lives,
or to make me love mine,

a little more

I asked you what it was like,
And if you think it's love,
Nothing you said made sense to me,
So it probably was.

We went on the road,
We yelled and ran,
Holding hands,
Our feet cold on rough, wet ground.

Stars bright,
Chilly night.

Darkness surrounds us,
Nothing but the low glow of the porch light,
Cold.
but the good kind of cold the cold that reminds you you're alive

On the stone steps your sister smokes her life away,
With stolen ciggerettes.

run,
run,
RUN.

Cold,
This is fun right?
Yes,
I turn to look at you,
But you're gone.

The safety of the porch,
Had called you,

I try to stand alone.
In a place where no cars go,

Alone,
Darkness is less inviting,
I look to the stars for comfort,
But find none,
By myself.

Nothing scares me more than failure

Except maybe success

Getting everything I ever worked for

And it still not being enough

time goes by and soon
the colors and wonders begin to
fade and life begins to fall,
the sparkle that she carried,
has drifted far away
the world so harmful and unsafe.

I have tasted freedom in many different flavors
And none of them were as sweet as everyone claimed they would be

Part of the act of escapism is getting to leave when the house starts burning

Who knows where the flames came from?

Who knows if any of it was love?

This house is not a home
I stare at these walls
Grab more clothes
Hug my mother
And leave again

I have lived so much of my life in borrowed space
You would think I was not welcome in my own home

But this house is not home

And if I could swim through the troubled waters you would never see me again

I look around and this house is still on fire
There's scribbled lines on door frames
Next to children's names
And the same plates they used at their wedding

There's
Whispers
And drafts
There's pain and flashbacks

This house is not a home to me anymore

Maybe it never was.

Lovely broken bibles,
Tearing at the seams,
Holy words unravel,
Praises hide the screams.

me and God took a hiatus

I found someone to blame.


I miss my man in the sky,
Most nights,
It was nice,
To have something to stand for,
Someone to look to,
An example,

A father.

Me and God took a little break,
For a long time.
When I was 9,
Where was he?
Goodbye house,
Goodbye parents,
Goodbye dreams.

I went to churches that preached hate,
And lost someone I loved,
To wicked, wicked drugs,

where was he?

I tried to find him in my heart,
I feared he'd fled,
I didn't know it was I,
who chased him out,
I didn't have him
Because I didn't want him.

We were on a break.


Then i got dizzy,

Randomly,

I made a lot of trips to the emergency room my 13th and 14th year of living,
Spent most of my time on hospital beds I began to memorize the E.R. nurses faces,
And which shifts they worked.
I became so familiar with pain,
And not being to breathe,
And medication,
After medication,

WHERE WAS HE?

now I am past most bad days,
And no longer need drugs to keep me sane,
But every once in a while I feel my faith flicker.

When I felt him the strongest this year,
I was in the middle of a field at 2am.
I was with my best friend,
And we were lying down,
Looking at the stars,

I stood up and felt so small,
So insignificant,

where was he?

I felt like the world could have swallowed me whole,


I felt that way when I was 9,
But I was on a car trip that would change my entire world,
I felt that way when I was 12,
But I was on a roof.

I hadn't felt this way in years,

It reminded me what it was like to want to die;


But I didn't.

Ah,

*there he is

This is what the storm took out
you ******* ******* *****
Look out
Because right now I am calm
And that's the worst that this could get.

Everything  I want to say
Settles with our touching skin
I missed you
I want you
Holding and having
Finally
Again