cheers, to the pain
to the boy who forgot your name
to the one who makes you crazy
to the ones getting faded

hold your head up high and your drink up higher

across the bar,...

i catch a glimpse of a girl with a scorned heart
her long dark hair
one side tucked behind her ear
and the other dangled in her face to hide her faults from the world
she stares at her drink,
twiddling with the straw on the tip of her finger
as her thoughts linger
she came to escape
this is a melody of a broken heart

a few shots later, the whole bottle down
blurry vision as she searches the crowd
warm tears fall down her face
as she reminisces a familiar place
that no longer exists
in the memory of her scorned heart


its almost 2 , time for close
but she realizes she has nowhere to go
these past few weeks this bar has been her one and only home
she's so alone ,
one more drink before she picks up the phone
and calls a cab back to reality

this is her melody of a broken heart

lack of motivation
life gets overwhelming
where am i consciously
thoughts are unpleasing
they tell me "chin up" but it's not that easy
swear it's like a disease
only can rely on me

tell me , am i setting myself up to fail?
just wanna make it , don't tell me the ship has sailed
spinning in circles , ******* life derailed
just take my *** to jail
problems too big it broke the scale

i'm losing myself ; can no longer feel
is anything left even real?
lost control soon as i took my hands off the wheel
swear i'm so low , how is this ideal?

gasping for air
if i took my last breath
who would care?
death and despair
why can't i just disappear

ripped apart from reality
the page tears
fell to my knees
so i say a prayer
why is happiness having an affair

how can i find myself
try to rewire my brain
force feed me pills to get rid of the pain
think i'm going insane
i'm not that picture perfect
don't pick me up and put me in a frame
compared to you , we are not the same

stuck in a slump
this is a speed bump
fall back down just to get up
than i shrug
life's got me ****** up
but negativity i will unplug

sweep these feelings under a rug
squash depression like a bug
don't come around if you ain't got no love

least i know my way back home
where the flowers bloom
the fireflies glow
when i take a midnight stroll
if i get lost along the way
i'll search for the words i wrote
and sing along to the tune that goes

"you might hit me with throws
and the low blows
put me on a ledge
keep me on my toes
but this is not the life i chose
if i'm down only god knows
i'll find the glasses colored with rose"

drink the pain away
whiskey puts me in a daze
perhaps this is my escape
escape from reality
lonely and afraid
one day i hope i wake
and this will all just be a dream

but i’m scared to fall asleep
scared of being weak
for me to want to wake up
my faith would have to leap

i cry when i’m around you
but you may never notice
that’s because i hide
you’d never tell i’m broken
or that i’m lonely

searching for ways to get out
running away from the dark clouds
running away from all my doubts
how can i be good enough for you
when i’m not good enough for myself

drink the pain away
it gives me a funny taste
but i drink it anyway
now i’m numb again
& with a snap my problems are gone
i’m back on top
forgot who i was

so hey
let’s grab a date
tell me all the things that we can relate
i’m out of my box , out of my cage
only for a moment
before i turn the page
and awake the next day
it was nothing but a dream

can’t tell the difference between a dream and reality

planning a future
your not here and the atmosphere is anything but delicate
thoughts roam around the air in a gentle breeze
distance is between us yet i feel your soul as it breathes
an uneasy feeling of the past
scars on my fingers for holding on tightly
yet the rope collapsed

this is present day
2018
and you are not here with me
as i stand and take a look of what surrounds me
the future as i thought it not as clear as it seems
to live life is to be free

seeking into the past
into the role i was perhaps miscast
actions were drastically misshaped
a setback for love got me off the right track

*the future is a present to the unknown past

poured my heart into a black hole
once i entered the unknown
as i scream for the taste of blood on my lips
to feel once more , a pinch of bliss

fell into lust, chasing love
ice in my veins
my body is numb
no longer a soul exists

fading into the distance
no longer fighting resistance
the end is near i feel it

i have a disease.. im broken.

words cut deep
when they mean something
life is fun and games
till you go and get played
lately I've been getting faded
minding  my business
hop in my lane and I switch to the next
look at this player tryna finesse
but it aint me
it aint thee
**** around and get your named tattooed
on my shoulder blade
now im insane
---------------------------------------------
words cut right thru my vein
tell me lies
and don't tell me why
ima keep on trying
call me stupid
im calling cupid
for making me fall for someone
when im not lucid
---------------------------------------------------
okay
no­w I've regained
my mentality
& I know now what I need
isn't you
so im thru

----------------------------------------------------

words­ cut deep
you don't have to tell me
what I realized is that I have a disease
slowly anticipating the right way to let go

what do you know about living my life
what do you know about drowning inside
I know im dying
you don't have to tell me
im already facing reality
losing my dignity
so what do think you know

im pushing but im barely hanging on
down to my last breath
on a tightrope of my life
and you seem to want to define , mine.
like you know

but you don't know anything
do you?

roses are not red and violets are not blue
just unlucky to how I met you
a day of love and despair
a day of annoyance and how love isn't fair
hurtful words written in my mind
because I couldn't bring myself to buy a card I liked
overpriced chocolate and overpriced dates
expecting so much for just one day
disappointment at the end, that isn't me

I'm giving you changes
You finally made it
it's safe to say
if I may...
give you my time

will I relapse
give into lies
I need to know

it's just an illusion
i know the confusion
but i disagree
you'll always be mine
one and only


if you knew
what it takes

your body

hey

changes

in the end

changes

in the ennnnnnd

searching for a reason
a meaning of life
to keep on pushing
seems living is a fight
without resistance
and yet the past doesn't quite seem let me forget it
incapable of letting things go
i just miss it

if only you knew
all of the scenarios in my head
replaying daily
the spider weaving its web...

continuously
eating at me mentally
vigourously
considerably the amount of judgment
received in this society, hideously

when will the search end?

driving on home
windmills danced with the whispers of the wind
corn fields repeatedly mesmerize my mind
as i looked out the window
trying to forget

chilling music crept along the wave of the scene
my heart races with the beat
of the drums echoing in my ears

promises ahead
the long road awaits
the future never ends
curves along the bridge
silence is now my friend

traveling to tomorrow’s reality and today’s fantasy

let me tell you a joke..

about my words,
about self worth
loving yourself , enjoying the perks
of being happy
its been brought up a lot in hopes of
speaking things into existence
so a million and plus times a day
'realize your self worth' is what I say
and I say it so bravely, confidently,
inspiring not only me but others as well.

and there comes a time I can no longer bear the words that I have uttered..
actions are to follow words yet I make no sudden movements
frozen in time itself, or realizing that although I speak of such things I cannot bring myself to comply.
no matter how much I try.

actions > words
words < actions

hypocritically funny.

that face in the mirror simply cannot be me
for the most logical reason I can think of
for one, I do not look merely as admiring as her
nor can I compete
confidence
a thing I lack indeed

when I meet someone new
they do not jump at me
not really and so I have to ask myself why
am I not built like the rest
indifferent

trust issues
indefinitely
mind freaks when you talk to anyone but me
isn't that funny

a bottle of wine
due after a long day
as I pour myself a glass,
set aside on the table
a box of matches
and a vanilla scented candle
anticipating the aroma filling up the room
a silky robe,
pressing up against my soft skin
after a warm hot bath
this is bliss
I wish it would never end

I've built myself from the bottom up
tried so hard but I ran out of luck
I pushed myself when I was stuck
why do I feel like im not good enough?

I get beat and burned to the ground
I scream yet I make no sound
one minute I'm above water and the next I've drowned

it always happens to me, it seems
I try to much just to get defeated
broken and beaten
what is my reason...
to keep on being.

darkness awaits
creeping into your skin
chilling secrets
washed away with a bottle of gin
goosebumps on your neck
from kisses of death
once midnight reaches
beware what may breach
into your soul
darkness no longer awaits

          for us all

i can still feel your breathe on me
i can still your heartbeat
i can feel the sound of your voice traveling underneath
my skin

can you imagine
if you werent here because i cant
i cant
can you imagine
me without you
oh i cant
i cant

its too much
its too late
the stars have already written their fate

the way that your skin brushed across mine
i'll never forget

never be forgotten
the actions that you did

oh boy,
you've been working hard
to get to me
oh boy, don't you know im not easy to please
oh boy, oh no.
don't even try
I've been let down way too many times.
I've lost count
oh boy, you might be the one for me
but I'll push you away
I'm not what I seem
your in love with a dream
oh boy, oh no
don't make me break your heart

maybe
if i was a pretzel
i'd bend over backwards for you

maybe
if i was a piece of meat
i'd let myself get stabbed in the back
repeatedly

maybe
i need a hearing aid
over the words that you speak
because they don't match your actions
accordingly

maybe
just maybe
you're too blind to see
the face of reality

maybe
after all this time
the moment has arrived
to say goodbye.

she searches for something in you,
there's more inside.
if only she could find what's beneath the surface
deep into your soul, entering abyss
a secret, like no other
small yet undiscovered.
too scared to show the world
but to you she's more than a girl.
more than words could tell
a distinct yet distant feeling
goosebumps rise the hair on your skin
urging yourself to commit into sharing a secret

perhaps,


                                       love is real

‪invisible
miserable
yet disguisable
and amongst peers, admissible.

ironically
happens constantly
hidden sardonically

life is nonetheless comically
to me

spreading myself thin
giving away pieces of me
feels too late to quit
but I can hardly breathe

deep inside
it's antagonizing

I know
I keep doing this **** to myself
can blame no one else
for my faults

I keep on giving
more than what's deserved
an impulsive decision
putting other people first

giving in
to the worst
giving in
giving all for nothing

my demons come alive in the day time
not just at night ,
so if you ask me why
i never close my eyes ,
it just might be my mind filled with fright

with no chance of escape
i chase death to be my fate
should i hold my breath
i need not be saved
i must jump at the chance before it’s too late

hopeful to rise to heaven
as the demons cannot be risen
hopeful to leave this earth
with my body as their prison

if i should ever return
( that is believing in reincarnation)
amongst the streets a familiar face you’ve been missing

please , i beg of you

don’t tell my demons.