You are beautiful
I see it in the way your crooked teeth show when you smile big enough to make me choke
I feel it in the soft cracks in your voice when you are nervous

You are beautiful
In the way that your body shakes with all the energy bursting through your fingertips like life isn’t always moving at your pace
In the way that your brows furrow when you are focused

You are beautiful
Like the golden red and orange sunset reflecting on the ocean and big puffy clouds tinted pink
Like handpicked bouquets you gave to your mother when you were 7

I love the way your toes curl and your hands shake when you’re anxious
I love brushing my fingers across the soft expanse of your skin, every freckle and scar, the stretch marks that grew with every inch that you did

You are beautiful
I am so lucky to live a life with you in it

I mourn all the dreams I can’t recall when morning comes
All the moments I was moving too fast to cherish what I love
I mourn the friends who left and went on to better things
The ones who out grew me
The ones who pretend they don’t remember how we used to know the secrets no one else knew

I know I behave like a child sometimes
Throwing temper tantrums and pretending like I don’t want to cry
I know I act like I am not affected by it all
Like my life is full of sunshine even in the nighttime
I’m so tired of the charade
Are you someone I can count on
To be okay with me
Even when it rains

How sad is it
That the validation I get
Comes from people who don’t even know me yet
And I cling to it
It makes no common sense
To believe in strangers opinions over your friends
But how could I believe that the people who love me
Wouldn’t lie to my face
When it’s all I’ve ever known
Getting older means learning how to cope with change
And growing up from the child your parents raised
And you can’t do it all alone
You’ll have to learn to pick up your phone

My mother used to say that friends would never last and I shouldn’t trust that anyone would have my back
She said that family was the only ones who would love every piece of me regardless
But that just wasn’t true
Her love came with conditions too

So it’s sad that now
When I’m feeling down
I don’t feel like I can reach out to my friends
So instead I cry to the internet and
When people ask me why
I tell them it’s because rejection is easier to swallow when the relationship is hallow

I’m so sorry that I can’t always be that
Sun-shining person you think I am
So I’ll hide from you when I’m feeling blue
So you don’t see every scrape cut and bruise
That I dug and carved right out of my heart
Just to feel like I am human too

Have you ever starved yourself to the point of sickness?
Empty and hallow and still trying to give pieces of yourself that don’t exist
You take another pill, tell another lie, say to yourself, your family and friends you are fine
Eat just enough to get by
Hope they don’t notice the gaps getting larger between your meals and your thighs
You take sleeping pills because sleep has become harder and harder to reach
The pit in your stomach screams loudly
Warning you that it’s empty
Reluctantly you go and swallow your pride
And hope that will last you through the evening

What will I do if all the time I’ve spent trying to fix myself doesn’t work out
I don’t really know what’s wrong with me
I’m in therapy
I started taking medication too
I’m worried that I’m wrong about how I feel
What if the thing I’m dealing with is much bigger
For half a year I’ve questioned myself
I thought I figured it all out
But there is doubt in the back of my mind
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel alright

There is nothing I can do
I don’t want to make any wrong moves
What if I’m wrong about all of this
And I make mistakes that are permanent
I just want to feel okay
And not want to die everyday
How do you sort through your thoughts
And figure out why you feel so stuck
On top of all this
I can’t cry anymore
It’s been a while since I’ve been able to
I wish everyday that I’ll reach my breaking point
Just to feel alive again
Finding joy in imaginary things
Feeling hurt by all the things I’m missing

When I say I love you like I love a song
I mean I play you nonstop until I get tired
I let myself become surrounded by you
You become the only thing that makes me feel
I itch when I can’t feel you near me
When I can’t hear your constant reassurance that you won’t leave me
Even though I know I’ll leave you eventually
I’m sorry if I love you like I love a song
Because I will make you feel like my whole world
And take all your free time
I will tell you how beautiful you are and how much you mean to me
But it’s only temporary

I’m exhausted from keeping up with the person I am trying to be
Hiding my true self from all my friends and family
I just want to be understood
But at the same time I’m scared
What if I show myself and people don’t care
I don’t want any more people to leave me
I just need some more stability
I know they say family is here no matter what
I can’t help feeling like there’s a but
What if I suddenly be myself
And end up scaring off everyone else
Will they say I’m just being fake
Or will they accept me and we’ll embrace
I just want someone to understand
I don’t want to keep up with this person I’ve been living as
It’s hard to let go of my insecurities
And telling myself I should try and be free

I’m trying to express how I feel like I did as a child,
Through crayons and pencils
Pressed into paper until they break in two.
How can I feel so hopeless
Doing something I used to love to do?
Like I did as a child
I make myself small and cry in my closet
That painful sobbing that hurts your throat
And convince myself yet again to give up.

You make me want to fall in a field and cry.
Why do you only tell me lies?
The person you show the world is like a drawing
you can see it from the other side of the page.
But you never share the real thing,
you keep everyone at a distance.
But what is the reason?
Self preservation?
Protection from losing and breaking and falling apart?
But you know that doesn't make pain go away
instead you create a world where you are the cause of your own destruction.

I don't want to get rid of all the things you gave me.
I'm afraid if I burn the photographs and letters
the memories will get destroyed too.
I'm too attached to my past
constantly dreaming about how I can get it back.
I haven't moved on and I don't think I can.
That's why I need to wipe the slate clean,
burn your memory from my brain.
Maybe the dreams of you will finally subside
and I can restart my life.
Right now I am stuck holding onto an idealized version of you.

Here I stand,
with match in hand.
Your words drip over me like gasoline.
I promise you I will be clean.
I strike the match to cleanse my soul.
You watch me burn,
your heart is cold.

I built us a house in my mind
Imagine us sitting by the fire and looking into each others eyes
Like a cheesy romantic scene from a 50s movie
I swoon over you and let you consume my whole world
But life is not a romantic comedy
And the fairytale ending I created for us shattered
When you told me you didn't love me like that
Anymore

I'm on my knees
Trying to pick up the pieces and I cut my hands but I still try and put us back together

A screen hums
And I turn to see it playing back all the times you made me smile
And of us laying down on a dock, listening to a song that reminded me of you, and staring at the stars deciding which one we would call ours
And of me listening to your heart beating as you slept and feeling like I could never love anyone like I loved you again.

The hardest part of getting over you is the remembering
I want to remember the bad things
Like the first time you made me cry
I want to remember why I left you in the first place
And why didn't you try to fight for us

And I sat there and squeezed my head with my hands and screamed
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME? WHY CAN'T I FORGET YOU? WHY DO I STILL LOVE YOU?"
As you turn to you leave
I catch a glimpse of your face
It was as if a switch turned off in your head, it was soulless
I feel a tug at my neck as you walk away with a rope in your hand
Oblivious to where that rope ends.

You live in the city we both fell in love with
And you are onto better things
We both moved away from the hometown we fell in love in
We both moved away to ease the pain of living without each other
And living without the hurt that always followed us

I always imagined us moving there together
Walking through the city at night
Your eyes sparkle in city lights
We could have sat in coffee shops
Or on park benches
We could have written beautiful things
But you said lets leave us in the past
And I am stuck in it...

Tomorrow I will be okay.
I will wake up, make pancakes and drink my favorite coffee.
I will buy myself a fancy dress
And a book by my favorite author.
I will go eat my favorite meal.
I will watch people at a coffee shop
And draw or maybe write a poem or two.
I will come home and drink mulled wine
And watch a movie that makes me smile.
But for tonight,
I will let my heart ache.

I wrote you a letter
to tell you I still love you.
You never replied.
And I am sitting at home
crying on the floor of my room.
Because the floor is cold
and it feels good on my skin.
I was stupid to think
that after all this time
I would still be on your mind.
Please baby, just talk to me
and tell me I'm not crazy
for thinking you liked me
at all

How do I convince you to love me?
I can make you tea and cookies
Or maybe mac and cheese
I can learn a song for you when you're feeling blue
I can kiss your neck and whisper why I want to be with you
I can wash your sheets and make your room neat
I can make your favorite snack
And if I do these things for you
Will you love me back?

You are the moon and I am the ocean
You have this powerful magnetism that moves me
I am consumed by you
But you are too far away to notice how beautiful we can be
Together

I want to hold you
and lay in your bed
and pick eyelashes off your cheek
and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep
I want to talk until 2 am
about the universe
and movies that moved us to tears
I want to walk with you in the cold
and wrap my arms around you
and look at the christmas lights
I want to run inside
and jump under the covers
and fight over who has to make the tea

My inbox is full of messages
I am too afraid to send
They say
"I care about you
and wish things didn't end"

I would wrap my arms around you
and I would hold your heart whenever you need to sleep
and I would shed tears for you
and I would hug your legs to make you feel grounded again.

You are the sun peaking out on a cloudy day, the first chord, the guitar riff, the floating in calm water.
You are the breath of sharp, cool air and the smell of fresh grass, earthy mist, and cinnamon.
You are the sun as it peaks out for a moment to kiss my face and I grin. Loving you is pure bliss.

I imagine us sitting on a dock on lake Michigan for the fourth of July, at the edge of daylight, with our toes dipped in the cold calm water where leaves drift and lay to rest.
We hum and I pull your hands to my chest in an act of patriotism to young love and being vulnerable.
Time feels still when I look into your bright green eyes, fireworks spark and reflect on your glasses in the best way.
My cheeks are red but I don't mind. I will carry this smile for the rest of my life.

The night I left
  you were sitting in your chair with your head in your hands.
Trying to understand what went wrong
  when it was me all along.
I looked around the room and something felt off.
Music softly humming
  filling the space like a ghost.
I walked to the window to get some fresh air
  as I struggled to catch my breath
  and drew the curtains to find concrete and I wept.
I packed my things and said my goodbyes.
Telling you I didn't love you and I was wasting my time.
I thought distance could fix all my issues
  and I would finally feel the breeze through satin curtains
  but those windows proved to be concrete as well.

I always thought therapy was all long talks and revelations
Self discoveries and dissecting emotions
No one told me how much pain I would be in
Digging up the graves of my nightmares and sins
Panic attacks every night
Too numb to cry
Too anxious to lie
Obsessive about everything
Impulsive about nothing
I just want to be able to be at home
Without feeling completely alone
So what will it take?
What do I do?
So I can get better too

My bones creek like the floor boards in your house
We sat on your sun-kissed couch as you unbuttoned my blouse
With my eyes closed I felt the soft warmth of your hands and lips
But opened my eyes to realize it was just your ghost

It's a beautiful thing
To fall in love with someone
And for them to reciprocate

You seem...okay.
While I'm here wondering what I did wrong and how I can fix this
You are okay.
It's been hard to get over you because I didn't know that we were over until a month past and you never called me back.
Was there anything i could of done to prevent this?

I close my eyes
I feel your embrace, from behind
-and whisper in my ear that frowns will wrinkle my pretty little face-
I feel your hands gliding towards my thighs
-and you tell me that you can read a lot in peoples eyes-
I feel your warm breath on my neck
-and then you kiss me on the back-
I feel my skin boiling and my body is tense.
-and you say I need to learn to relax-

...

I wake up, a stranger in my own body.
Just wanting to return home.

You didn't know that my notes were actually love letters
And no matter how sad I was, you knew how to make me feel better
That every picture I drew of you was me trying to impress
And it was so hard not to watch you undress
I didn't know that our drunk kisses meant nothing to you
That all the nights we spent cuddled up watching movies was just what friends do
I buried my feelings for you
Because I knew we could never make it
It took 5 years and a lot of tears for me to finally admit
That what I felt for you... was love.

You are a virus
There is no cure
The only way to get rid of you
Is with lots of rest and patience.

My thoughts come like lightning, without the storm.
They don't want to belong to this earth anymore.
But my body is frozen in fear
And I am burdened by obligations to stay strong.

I feel like I have no home.
I am just particles floating through the air
Trying to figure out where I belong.

Our relationship was like the part in a movie when two people run towards each other and the main character looks so unbelievably happy and they close their eyes and just as they are about to embrace the other veers right and jumps into the arms of another.

I feel like a brick building with graffiti on it
Special on the outside
But the inside is empty and the walls are solid.
I want to be an art gallery with a bright red door,
I want to lure people into my world and show them my organs
And let them take me for a spin.

Dean has been sleeping on my couch,
creating mountains of trash and ***** clothes.
It’s been hard to keep people around
Tears and broken hearts are swept in dark corners and under rugs

There was one year, I thought Dean had left for good.
He had been gone for 5 months
and I could feel a smile grow on my face.
I found a lover to bloom with,
to grow old with.
My heart, shining across valleys and through the night.
That was, until November, when Dean came back.

the worst feeling
is when you want to cry
but can't
and you are left feeling
vacant
emotionless
and broken

i feel like my body and brain have stopped talking
i find myself running aimlessly through life
with no goals and no purpose
its as if my ambition is on vacation and the only thing i know how to do is survive
where did my passion go
did it leave when i stopped letting love in

My heart lunges out of my chest
Over and over and over again
Its getting harder to breathe
And even harder to think

My bodys been taken over
I’m possessed with obsession
And over thinking

Please just stop

The thoughts are like spiders
Crawling in my brain

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

I curl into a ball
And try to go to bed

I'm giving you pieces of me
And even if you never complete me
I will try to fill in the spaces
Because I hate feeling empty.

I guess that's why I fill my time with meaningless things.
I don't want to leave any space for loneliness.

I waste my time sitting alone
In my room
Listening to songs that remind me of you
But when I remember all that we've been through
And how you mess with my mind
I find myself writing songs and poetry

It's always been easier for me
To hid my feelings from others
But for you, I have to let you know
How you make my heart glow
And how many times I've cried over you

It may be hard to do
Once the feelings are out
They will stay out
Until I'm too tired to speak.

I'm obsessive and compulsive
I understand why no one wants to get close to me anymore
I am a mess and find the ugly in the most beautiful things
And I drag happiness through the mud so it looks more like
How I feel all the time
I am firestarter
I burn through people like they are cigarettes
I'm a smoker
I inhale all of my sorrows and exhale "I'm fine" with a smile and tears in my eyes

I find comfort in sad things
Like songs, poems, and abandoned buildings.

I have fallen for you
But I am terrified
You are a part of the world
I haven't visited yet

When I watch Alice in Wonderland I say the scripts and songs softly to myself
When I cook dinner I narrate out loud as if I'm on a cooking show
When listen to my favorite song, I sing the lyrics and the melody
When I am in line for food or coffee I recite a little monologue of what I want to say to them
Because if I dont, I forget.

I imagine the little things
Like you and I making breakfast together for the first time
And us sitting in a coffee shops enjoying each other company in silence
Me, writing you love letters and slipping them into your coat pockets
You, making us tea

I dream of the first time we kiss
And how I will grab you at the waist and pull you in close

I think of the first time we'll fight
And how it will keep me up all night wondering if I did something wrong
And you telling me everything is alright

I have tried to draw portraits of you
But my pen doesn't do you justice
You deserve to be craved from stone
You deserve to be permanent

I wish it was easier for me
To say what's on my mind
But my thoughts are like moths
And my brain is a light
It only turns off when liquor fills my stomach
And my thoughts can escape through my mouth

I wish it was easier for me
To embrace all I am blessed with
My mothers passion roars inside me
And I have my father's patience
To make it all balance.

I am in the middle of an intersection
And I can't seem to figure out
Which way I want to turn.

I am a ghost
I float through life
Wondering what my purpose is
Wondering how to feel passionate again
Everyday is a rerun of the one before
I have lost my way
It feels like I am running with weights on my shoulders
And the road has no end

You and I were very close
And that all changed within 3 short months
It hurts to think about the past
And I panic when I think about what my future holds
And you never really explained why
Our friendship had to die
You just stopped responding
And I'm scared it will happen with my other friends too..

I should start breathing in more fresh air
And less cigarette smoke

Oh darling,
You made me feel like I was floating
On the ocean
Miles and miles away
From everyone.
But now I am sinking
And the fishes are passing me by
As I think about my life
And how nothing ever seemed to turn out right

At night I pour myself into my poetry and drawings.
(Even if it's not always successful)
I drink 3 cups of coffee a day
And coincidentally, I stay up past 4 in the morning.
The weekends are saved for daydreaming.

This month, the hours I spend alone far outshine the hours I spend with my friends.
I think I have more conversations with myself then with them.
Spring this year not only brings blossoms
But a new home too.
With fresh paint and cardboard boxes
I'm hoping distance will allow me to learn to live without you.

I've been trying, to forget how your face looks, and how your eyes are capable of changing tides.
I also need to stop comparing you to Gods
Because as we both know, you have flaws.
Reciprocity, is certainly one of them.