In a crowded room
We escaped
Ran outside
And twirled
Spinning in circles
Glow sticks in hand
Just like the alcohol
I let the toxins drip
All over me

I have lost track
Of the smoke
And cold breath
A hand-rolled cigarette
Sits between my teeth
Along with many
Other things

The words
I am too afraid to speak
Slip underneath my tongue
And dissolve with another drink

My feet felt heavy
Two-thousand thirteen
Was quickly escaping
Last year was flushed away
By champagne and a fresh taste of human skin
At 12:01

"I like you better
When you are drunk"
If you understood
Why I drink
Would you feel
The same way.

Beautifully dressed
A painful kiss
So long, Goodbye,
My love.

My heart lunges out of my chest
Over and over and over again
Its getting harder to breathe
And even harder to think

My bodys been taken over
I’m possessed with obsession
And over thinking

Please just stop

The thoughts are like spiders
Crawling in my brain

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

I curl into a ball
And try to go to bed

Dear Men,
but not "all men"
As a woman
I feel unsafe anytime I leave the house.
I am terrified of the dark,
I am never alone,
I am taught to be polite
Dress nice
And never leave my drink

Women are supposed to
Accept a world where there is victim shaming
Accept a world where our biology is a business

Women are supposed to
Be easy, but not too easy
Cover up but still "look ****"

As a woman,
I have be threatened
I have be abused
I have be taken advantage of
I have worried about my self image

But women are more than their appearances, their disorders, their biology.
Women are powerful, independent, free-thinkers, intelligent.
Women are whatever they want to be.
Women are more than what the media says.
Women are goddesses and any hate thrown their way is just kindling to their fire.

You didn't know that my notes were actually love letters
And no matter how sad I was, you knew how to make me feel better
That every picture I drew of you was me trying to impress
And it was so hard not to watch you undress
I didn't know that our drunk kisses meant nothing to you
That all the nights we spent cuddled up watching movies was just what friends do
I buried my feelings for you
Because I knew we could never make it
It took 5 years and a lot of tears for me to finally admit
That what I felt for you... was love.

What if nothing really exists?
That is the question.
A question that digs deep into the soul

Who created God?
I've always wondered this
How could God exist?
How could one single being
Obtain enough power
To create all of existence?

All of the beliefs
Have very little evidence
I do not fully believe in anything
For I do not agree with non sense.

Will I always be your sloppy seconds?
A binge that you will end up regurgitating in the end
That first addictive taste of a cigarette that consumes you
And I am left, smashed on the ground

Will I always be your escape route?
A rescue boat from the lousy life you are living
Lying, deceiving, a black hole ready to cave in

Will I always be there at 3 am when you're lonely?
Sadly, I will
I will stupidly be more than ready to come and save you
From your lonely, drunken nights
But will you?
When I am in need
When I feel like there is nothing left to live for
Will you be ready for me?

I will forever be your last resort
A sinful secret
The last bottle of whiskey
That you downed so nicely
And you will forever be my ever so holy number one
That smooth drive home to your house
When all innocence was not lost
And I feel whole once more

Will I always be a fool?
An optimistic, hopefully, trusting, fool
Thinking this time will be different
Thinking I wont end up alone once more.

Sometimes I find myself in the middle of the ocean
Floating on a raft made of love letters
Everything feels right, I feel safe
My head is light as a feather and my feet lift me to the sky
Eyes closed
But love letters were never meant to survive drowning
Neither was I
Without warning, my body slips beneath the surface
And my head is still up in the clouds

I feel like a brick building with graffiti on it
Special on the outside
But the inside is empty and the walls are solid.
I want to be an art gallery with a bright red door,
I want to lure people into my world and show them my organs
And let them take me for a spin.

I don't want to get rid of all the things you gave me.
I'm afraid if I burn the photographs and letters
the memories will get destroyed too.
I'm too attached to my past
constantly dreaming about how I can get it back.
I haven't moved on and I don't think I can.
That's why I need to wipe the slate clean,
burn your memory from my brain.
Maybe the dreams of you will finally subside
and I can restart my life.
Right now I am stuck holding onto an idealized version of you.

the worst feeling
is when you want to cry
but can't
and you are left feeling
vacant
emotionless
and broken

Look at her elegance
She draws you close
And with one simple smile
you have lost all hope
She had other intensions
When she let you in
The angel who once
Loved you
Cried tears of blood
You poisoned her
You made her dark
All because of the
Weakness of your mind
And heart.

A cigarette
Feels so warm
Like a hug from a friend
And you feel like you belong
Finally
I found where I belong
Cigarettes,
Memories kept
All my secrets
Are left on cigarettes

My fear is massive
It can't be wrapped up for Christmas
There is no way to contain it
It grows, grows, grows
My fear is a fire
It burns down bridges and highways
It burns through entire cities without ceasing

My thoughts are tornadoes
No one is safe
My thoughts consume, with gluttonous cheeks
Feeding on the pain, the joy, the fear, the living

I have been hiding behind small talk
And soft kisses
No more
I am exhausted
Why can't speaking be easy for me too?

Is there something to hold on to when reality slips away?
There are always more questions than answers
Some days I believe in solipsism or nihilism and that scares me
Some days I believe it's all just a dream
And I tell myself I shouldn't be scared because there is nothing to fear as if that would give me courage
But it just makes me silent

Dean has been sleeping on my couch,
creating mountains of trash and ***** clothes.
It’s been hard to keep people around
Tears and broken hearts are swept in dark corners and under rugs

There was one year, I thought Dean had left for good.
He had been gone for 5 months
and I could feel a smile grow on my face.
I found a lover to bloom with,
to grow old with.
My heart, shining across valleys and through the night.
That was, until November, when Dean came back.

Oh hello again
Familiar feelings
Feelings of vacancy

I remember
When I thought
I could fly

I remember
Learning about
Gravity

Hello again
Old feelings
I remember
How empty I was

I remember
Floating
It only lasted a sort while
Then time went by
As I was deflated

Falling is a  familiar feeling

This desire keeps coming back
It wont escape me
Every single dream
Emptiness escapes
I suffocate every time

Mistakes keep coming back
One after the other
Rows and rows
Reminders
Of the emptiest time
In my life

Why
Do
You
Keep
Coming
Back?

What will I do if all the time I’ve spent trying to fix myself doesn’t work out
I don’t really know what’s wrong with me
I’m in therapy
I started taking medication too
I’m worried that I’m wrong about how I feel
What if the thing I’m dealing with is much bigger
For half a year I’ve questioned myself
I thought I figured it all out
But there is doubt in the back of my mind
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel alright

There is nothing I can do
I don’t want to make any wrong moves
What if I’m wrong about all of this
And I make mistakes that are permanent
I just want to feel okay
And not want to die everyday
How do you sort through your thoughts
And figure out why you feel so stuck
On top of all this
I can’t cry anymore
It’s been a while since I’ve been able to
I wish everyday that I’ll reach my breaking point
Just to feel alive again
Finding joy in imaginary things
Feeling hurt by all the things I’m missing

I once heard about lovers who let go of each other and their fingertips never found their way back
They were too scared of the amount of love pouring out of them
It seemed easier to be alone...

And for some people it is
But for others, their lovers fill every piece of them
Every dream, poem, song, painting
Every thought is flooded by their smile
Or the way they look when they are happy

It's too much

The thoughts turn into aches and tears
For those people who can't stand be alone, when someone they love leaves them it feels like a piece of them has been ripped out
And they are left broken

And being alone means they have to learn how to love themselves
Demons and all

I have tried to draw portraits of you
But my pen doesn't do you justice
You deserve to be craved from stone
You deserve to be permanent

I close my eyes
I feel your embrace, from behind
-and whisper in my ear that frowns will wrinkle my pretty little face-
I feel your hands gliding towards my thighs
-and you tell me that you can read a lot in peoples eyes-
I feel your warm breath on my neck
-and then you kiss me on the back-
I feel my skin boiling and my body is tense.
-and you say I need to learn to relax-

...

I wake up, a stranger in my own body.
Just wanting to return home.

I was stupid to think
I could drink
The words you spoke to me
In our late night conversations
I should have read the label marked
Poison

Elements
Of art
Of Nature
On a periodic table
Pure, holy, individual
An organic form
A silent rain
Two hydrogen’s and one oxygen
Single yet united
In some shape or form

For whatever reason,
I have the greatest faith in time
Dear father time, he can fix all my problems
He can mend all my wounds
As a consolation, he borrows from me, my days, months, and years
He seems to take the salad days and a few memories too

Here I stand,
with match in hand.
Your words drip over me like gasoline.
I promise you I will be clean.
I strike the match to cleanse my soul.
You watch me burn,
your heart is cold.

When I think about you,
it doesn't give me butterflies like it used to.
Instead I feel like I swallowed a dozen knives.
Looking through old photographs of us used to bring a smile to my face,
Now I get nauseous.
I once thought I would grow old with you
But the thought of you now makes me cringe.
I gave you my trust
And you tore me apart, bit by bit.
My eyes avoid all the reminisce and fingerprints you left in my home and on my skin.
I have tried to purge you out of my head
because the thought of you makes me disgusted
But its difficult.
You spread yourself thinly through all of my favorite things.
The only thing you never touched was my poetry.

I always thought therapy was all long talks and revelations
Self discoveries and dissecting emotions
No one told me how much pain I would be in
Digging up the graves of my nightmares and sins
Panic attacks every night
Too numb to cry
Too anxious to lie
Obsessive about everything
Impulsive about nothing
I just want to be able to be at home
Without feeling completely alone
So what will it take?
What do I do?
So I can get better too

The night I left
  you were sitting in your chair with your head in your hands.
Trying to understand what went wrong
  when it was me all along.
I looked around the room and something felt off.
Music softly humming
  filling the space like a ghost.
I walked to the window to get some fresh air
  as I struggled to catch my breath
  and drew the curtains to find concrete and I wept.
I packed my things and said my goodbyes.
Telling you I didn't love you and I was wasting my time.
I thought distance could fix all my issues
  and I would finally feel the breeze through satin curtains
  but those windows proved to be concrete as well.

Ignorance is bliss
i dont like feeling
im sitting on a broken record
that keeps replaying
through the same crooked
emptiness

i..i dont even know what i want to say....
my inspiration is hallow.
I cannot seem to dig deep enough
to actually feel
to actually breath
and understand
all of the thoughts
drifting through my head.
the thoughts are like ghosts.
i am haunted

we are all trying
to pull all of our thoughts together
so that we might understand
the meaning
of what it is to be ALIVE
but right now they are just lines
systematically following each other
with no common theme.
its all gibberish
rambling
similar to a city
after a tsunami
washed out and faded
with the wreckage
built up
from old memories

(At least you know
You are on my subconscious
Even if I doesn't seem like it)

My bones creek like the floor boards in your house
We sat on your sun-kissed couch as you unbuttoned my blouse
With my eyes closed I felt the soft warmth of your hands and lips
But opened my eyes to realize it was just your ghost

I've fallen in love with a ghost, a man, an angel with crooked wings.
I've fallen in love with the way he speaks, every tick and twitch, the way he looks when he's anxious.
I want to preserve him in poems and picture books.
His soul bears the weight of every cigarette and tear he has shed.

Poor lonely ghost, why do you hide behind closed curtains and mountain man ****** hair?
Poor lonely ghost, no one can get close to you,
Only because you are too scared of getting hurt.
So instead, you hurt yourself because it's easier this way.
Poor lonely ghost, you live inside a cave, insist it's better being alone with your things and your heavy thoughts.
But the weight, it grows.
Poor soul, you were not built to hold the weight of a lonely mans world.
With all of his tears and broken hearts and anxieties and cigarettes and sad poetry.

Please take care of yourself, my lonely ghost.
And please try to open to curtains and watch the sunrise.

I’m exhausted from keeping up with the person I am trying to be
Hiding my true self from all my friends and family
I just want to be understood
But at the same time I’m scared
What if I show myself and people don’t care
I don’t want any more people to leave me
I just need some more stability
I know they say family is here no matter what
I can’t help feeling like there’s a but
What if I suddenly be myself
And end up scaring off everyone else
Will they say I’m just being fake
Or will they accept me and we’ll embrace
I just want someone to understand
I don’t want to keep up with this person I’ve been living as
It’s hard to let go of my insecurities
And telling myself I should try and be free

I'm a house cat that dreams of the forest

How sad is it
That the validation I get
Comes from people who don’t even know me yet
And I cling to it
It makes no common sense
To believe in strangers opinions over your friends
But how could I believe that the people who love me
Wouldn’t lie to my face
When it’s all I’ve ever known
Getting older means learning how to cope with change
And growing up from the child your parents raised
And you can’t do it all alone
You’ll have to learn to pick up your phone

My mother used to say that friends would never last and I shouldn’t trust that anyone would have my back
She said that family was the only ones who would love every piece of me regardless
But that just wasn’t true
Her love came with conditions too

So it’s sad that now
When I’m feeling down
I don’t feel like I can reach out to my friends
So instead I cry to the internet and
When people ask me why
I tell them it’s because rejection is easier to swallow when the relationship is hallow

I’m so sorry that I can’t always be that
Sun-shining person you think I am
So I’ll hide from you when I’m feeling blue
So you don’t see every scrape cut and bruise
That I dug and carved right out of my heart
Just to feel like I am human too

I'm sorry I have to say that as far as I can tell, you don't care about me nearly as much as I do you.
I'm sorry these words must be spoken.
I don't want my heart to be broken.
I need my thoughts to be proven true or false.
As far as I can tell, time has changed us.
Simply, my love is written in every message and poem.
My love is written in every car ride and every fear or worry.
My love is written clearly with black ink
And yours is written on a foggy window.

Do you think about me when you're going to sleep?
Do you think about me when you drink another glass of ***?
Do you think about me with love or lust?
Do you think about me at all?

I'm sorry my moonstruck man.
I'm sorry my lovely.
I'm sorry.
But you simply do not love me as much as I do you,
Or at least, you don't show it.

I built us a house in my mind
Imagine us sitting by the fire and looking into each others eyes
Like a cheesy romantic scene from a 50s movie
I swoon over you and let you consume my whole world
But life is not a romantic comedy
And the fairytale ending I created for us shattered
When you told me you didn't love me like that
Anymore

I'm on my knees
Trying to pick up the pieces and I cut my hands but I still try and put us back together

A screen hums
And I turn to see it playing back all the times you made me smile
And of us laying down on a dock, listening to a song that reminded me of you, and staring at the stars deciding which one we would call ours
And of me listening to your heart beating as you slept and feeling like I could never love anyone like I loved you again.

The hardest part of getting over you is the remembering
I want to remember the bad things
Like the first time you made me cry
I want to remember why I left you in the first place
And why didn't you try to fight for us

And I sat there and squeezed my head with my hands and screamed
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME? WHY CAN'T I FORGET YOU? WHY DO I STILL LOVE YOU?"
As you turn to you leave
I catch a glimpse of your face
It was as if a switch turned off in your head, it was soulless
I feel a tug at my neck as you walk away with a rope in your hand
Oblivious to where that rope ends.

Coming up with the right words has always been difficult for me
I write and rewrite and delete and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite until I become exhausted
Of thinking, crying,
Of myself
I hardly share the things I write
I hate them
I hate them
I hate them
Half the time, I hardly know what to say
Or how to start.

I am lost.
How can I fix this?
Which pills work the best?
Handfuls upon handfuls
Of tainted emotion
Robotic and soulless.
I dream and pretend
With justification
And self denials.
I need help.
I have been drawn
Towards my old habits
Of blissful *****
And handfulls of fixed happiness.

When you told me you loved me
I could barely breathe
Never would I ever suspect
To be so happy
Everything feels
Right when I'm with you

I know I am in love with you
I have known for a while now
I just didn't know how to say it
Until you said it first

I don't understand why you let me back into your life
I was a monster last time we spoke
I ripped our love in two
Because I was afraid of getting hurt
I didn't think it would end up hurting you
Because I was never sure if anyone was able to love me
Since I hated myself so much

But here we are two years later
I am trying to cover the scars I left with poems and love letters
I don't know why you let me in again

Every time I look in a mirror all I can see are the imperfections
Under my clothes you can see every weakness and insecurity
But I could compare yours to god's

I don't know why you give me so much of your time
I'm sure girls fall at your feet
Your eyes could melt glaciers after all

You are devil's food cake
And I'm just a tuna casserole

I wear the mask of a stranger
To try and find myself
Quite frankly, I can't breathe
When everyones staring at my back

I've been dying to ride
But they are holding me down
I've been trying to hide
But they keep coming back

I wear a smile on my tired face
I'm tired of trying and hiding
From every single tear

I am tired of running away
From all my fears
Of myself and who I am

I've been trying
To find
My home
A place to call my own
My dreams
My passions
My desires
I've been trying
To find
Me

My inbox is full of messages
I am too afraid to send
They say
"I care about you
and wish things didn't end"

Do you often wonder
Why there are voices in the dark
Why you feel like you are never alone
How to understand sanity
How to understand reality
No one truly knows
The depth of reality
The truth of reality
The feeling of reality
Is seeing believing?
Will the world around you disappear?

A rush of a million causalities
Beyond anyones comprehension
A stirring emotion
Pulsing through and through
These aching limbs

Violent swaying
Thrashing towards the skin
A broken body
Lies deep within
Gashed but still moving
Their heart is slowly beating
A sad, hopeless beating

A struggle to hold onto
The light that is up ahead
A weak limb mightily
Wastes the last bit of energy
It once had

Crumbled now
The body is leaded
Stiff and ******
Simply trashed
Towards the ground.

I fell deeply and madly in love with you
My heart crashed on the ground
And bleed out with passion
I can feel your warmth
From miles away
If I close my eyes
I can see the colors
That make up the sky
And I can see your colors
Drifting closer to mine
And our bodies connect
And our colors blend
Into one solid illuminating
Explosion of lights
I can feel the universe
Bursting within me

Anxiety sometimes feels like dying
Nausea, body aches, my insides are melting
If it’s bad enough there is throw up in the sink
It’s so bad, I can’t even think

Tomorrow I will be okay.
I will wake up, make pancakes and drink my favorite coffee.
I will buy myself a fancy dress
And a book by my favorite author.
I will go eat my favorite meal.
I will watch people at a coffee shop
And draw or maybe write a poem or two.
I will come home and drink mulled wine
And watch a movie that makes me smile.
But for tonight,
I will let my heart ache.

I would wrap my arms around you
and I would hold your heart whenever you need to sleep
and I would shed tears for you
and I would hug your legs to make you feel grounded again.

You are the sun peaking out on a cloudy day, the first chord, the guitar riff, the floating in calm water.
You are the breath of sharp, cool air and the smell of fresh grass, earthy mist, and cinnamon.
You are the sun as it peaks out for a moment to kiss my face and I grin. Loving you is pure bliss.

You seem...okay.
While I'm here wondering what I did wrong and how I can fix this
You are okay.
It's been hard to get over you because I didn't know that we were over until a month past and you never called me back.
Was there anything i could of done to prevent this?

I imagine us sitting on a dock on lake Michigan for the fourth of July, at the edge of daylight, with our toes dipped in the cold calm water where leaves drift and lay to rest.
We hum and I pull your hands to my chest in an act of patriotism to young love and being vulnerable.
Time feels still when I look into your bright green eyes, fireworks spark and reflect on your glasses in the best way.
My cheeks are red but I don't mind. I will carry this smile for the rest of my life.