I remembered something you once told me
At 3 am, its the time you are most vulnerable
You said "you are the strongest person I know"
I didn't believe you until you were gone
And now I say those words as if they are a spell that will save my soul

And I feel safest when I'm smaller than I should be
Tucked away under covers, or in bedroom closets
Trying to escape my monsters
But the monsters hid within me
Life can be a little overwhelming at times
And it doesn't help when the people around me
End up being monsters too

Whenever you get close
My eyes water,
My throat closes up,
My thoughts jumble,
I can barely think straight.
My sentences pour out like spoiled milk.
I bet you think I'm an idiot
But I really hope not.

When I think about you,
it doesn't give me butterflies like it used to.
Instead I feel like I swallowed a dozen knives.
Looking through old photographs of us used to bring a smile to my face,
Now I get nauseous.
I once thought I would grow old with you
But the thought of you now makes me cringe.
I gave you my trust
And you tore me apart, bit by bit.
My eyes avoid all the reminisce and fingerprints you left in my home and on my skin.
I have tried to purge you out of my head
because the thought of you makes me disgusted
But its difficult.
You spread yourself thinly through all of my favorite things.
The only thing you never touched was my poetry.

For whatever reason,
I have the greatest faith in time
Dear father time, he can fix all my problems
He can mend all my wounds
As a consolation, he borrows from me, my days, months, and years
He seems to take the salad days and a few memories too

Red wine sets my insides on fire
I am filled with desire
My dreams take towards the sky
It makes me feel like I can fly

I'm a house cat that dreams of the forest

I can't help feeling like you are the light that shines in the night sky.
When I told you I still cared about you
I was expecting the worst
But you gave me a glimmer of hope and I ran with it
My diluted mind formed galaxies around us.
I have tried to pull my eyes back down to earth
But it's hard when something more beautiful exists up there.

I was stupid to think
I could drink
The words you spoke to me
In our late night conversations
I should have read the label marked
Poison

Pieces of you are scattered throughout my life
-Your name is embedded in every poem I write-
Yet I'm a ghost in yours

I could say I've wasted my time with you,
but it wouldn't be true
because I don't regret our conversations or the times we sat in silence.
I don't regret all of nights I lay in my room alone, crying over you
Or the days I felt like drowning
I only regret not telling you I loved you enough

Its been six years since I met you at that football game in high school
and I still look at you with the same
admiration and longing.
And I still find myself swimming in your gorgeous green eyes
Even after all we've been through,
I still think of you in the best of ways.

Loving you when I was sixteen was like loving the ocean
I fell in love with your mystery and your impeccable beauty
And the deeper I got, the harder it was to breathe

Last night I fell asleep with an empty stomach and hallow eyes
Wishing to live in a different body
Only got 5 hours of sleep
It's strange how the season's effect me so much
Days spent inside this old house are always longer in the winter

I woke up with goosebumps and nicotine eyes
Deciding if waking up today was really worth it
Knowing it would be spent with lonely thoughts and a longing for you to call
But you never do

You are my nicotine, I inhale your words as if I need them to breathe
I should try to quit  
What we are doing to each other, its toxic
And what's so sad is when you finally reply
All I can remember is the high
I swear, loving you will give me cancer

It's never black and white or gray.
It's more of a ugly brown.
My thoughts are like a painters palette
or a house that's burning down.

Anxiety sometimes feels like dying
Nausea, body aches, my insides are melting
If it’s bad enough there is throw up in the sink
It’s so bad, I can’t even think

I've fallen in love with a ghost, a man, an angel with crooked wings.
I've fallen in love with the way he speaks, every tick and twitch, the way he looks when he's anxious.
I want to preserve him in poems and picture books.
His soul bears the weight of every cigarette and tear he has shed.

Poor lonely ghost, why do you hide behind closed curtains and mountain man ****** hair?
Poor lonely ghost, no one can get close to you,
Only because you are too scared of getting hurt.
So instead, you hurt yourself because it's easier this way.
Poor lonely ghost, you live inside a cave, insist it's better being alone with your things and your heavy thoughts.
But the weight, it grows.
Poor soul, you were not built to hold the weight of a lonely mans world.
With all of his tears and broken hearts and anxieties and cigarettes and sad poetry.

Please take care of yourself, my lonely ghost.
And please try to open to curtains and watch the sunrise.

My fear is massive
It can't be wrapped up for Christmas
There is no way to contain it
It grows, grows, grows
My fear is a fire
It burns down bridges and highways
It burns through entire cities without ceasing

My thoughts are tornadoes
No one is safe
My thoughts consume, with gluttonous cheeks
Feeding on the pain, the joy, the fear, the living

I have been hiding behind small talk
And soft kisses
No more
I am exhausted
Why can't speaking be easy for me too?

Is there something to hold on to when reality slips away?
There are always more questions than answers
Some days I believe in solipsism or nihilism and that scares me
Some days I believe it's all just a dream
And I tell myself I shouldn't be scared because there is nothing to fear as if that would give me courage
But it just makes me silent

I don't understand why you let me back into your life
I was a monster last time we spoke
I ripped our love in two
Because I was afraid of getting hurt
I didn't think it would end up hurting you
Because I was never sure if anyone was able to love me
Since I hated myself so much

But here we are two years later
I am trying to cover the scars I left with poems and love letters
I don't know why you let me in again

Every time I look in a mirror all I can see are the imperfections
Under my clothes you can see every weakness and insecurity
But I could compare yours to god's

I don't know why you give me so much of your time
I'm sure girls fall at your feet
Your eyes could melt glaciers after all

You are devil's food cake
And I'm just a tuna casserole

I once heard about lovers who let go of each other and their fingertips never found their way back
They were too scared of the amount of love pouring out of them
It seemed easier to be alone...

And for some people it is
But for others, their lovers fill every piece of them
Every dream, poem, song, painting
Every thought is flooded by their smile
Or the way they look when they are happy

It's too much

The thoughts turn into aches and tears
For those people who can't stand be alone, when someone they love leaves them it feels like a piece of them has been ripped out
And they are left broken

And being alone means they have to learn how to love themselves
Demons and all

I am always too terrified to look into your eyes
I believe I might get lost in those gorgeous pools of greens and blues
I also believe that if you look back into mine
You will figure out all my secrets
Like how much I care about you

Sometimes I find myself in the middle of the ocean
Floating on a raft made of love letters
Everything feels right, I feel safe
My head is light as a feather and my feet lift me to the sky
Eyes closed
But love letters were never meant to survive drowning
Neither was I
Without warning, my body slips beneath the surface
And my head is still up in the clouds

He made me feel like I was his
He made me feel owned
He made me feel like I was only there to please him
I was only his trophy wife
He made me look at myself through a fun house mirror
I tried to purge the words he would whisper to me
I tried to burn off the fingerprints he left on my skin

He made me angry
He made me an angry and irritable version of myself
He made me violent towards myself

And it was my fault
It was my fault when he was jealous
It was my fault for not being strong enough
It was my fault for feeling like I had to keep secrets
From the same man who made me violent towards myself
From the same man who hates me when I don't act like his girlfriend
The same man who said "I can change", "I can change", "I can change"

It took three tries push him out the door
It took five tries to burn off his fingerprints
It's been 5 months and I'm still trying to **** out the poison he left me with

I'm sorry I have to say that as far as I can tell, you don't care about me nearly as much as I do you.
I'm sorry these words must be spoken.
I don't want my heart to be broken.
I need my thoughts to be proven true or false.
As far as I can tell, time has changed us.
Simply, my love is written in every message and poem.
My love is written in every car ride and every fear or worry.
My love is written clearly with black ink
And yours is written on a foggy window.

Do you think about me when you're going to sleep?
Do you think about me when you drink another glass of ***?
Do you think about me with love or lust?
Do you think about me at all?

I'm sorry my moonstruck man.
I'm sorry my lovely.
I'm sorry.
But you simply do not love me as much as I do you,
Or at least, you don't show it.

Coming up with the right words has always been difficult for me
I write and rewrite and delete and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite until I become exhausted
Of thinking, crying,
Of myself
I hardly share the things I write
I hate them
I hate them
I hate them
Half the time, I hardly know what to say
Or how to start.

Dear Men,
but not "all men"
As a woman
I feel unsafe anytime I leave the house.
I am terrified of the dark,
I am never alone,
I am taught to be polite
Dress nice
And never leave my drink

Women are supposed to
Accept a world where there is victim shaming
Accept a world where our biology is a business

Women are supposed to
Be easy, but not too easy
Cover up but still "look ****"

As a woman,
I have be threatened
I have be abused
I have be taken advantage of
I have worried about my self image

But women are more than their appearances, their disorders, their biology.
Women are powerful, independent, free-thinkers, intelligent.
Women are whatever they want to be.
Women are more than what the media says.
Women are goddesses and any hate thrown their way is just kindling to their fire.

I lost something special
It was my own fault
I didn't have my eyes open wide enough
I didn't look up
If I did I would've seen all the beauty
All of the promise

Every day
I regret every day that I stared at the ground
Just letting life pass me by
Letting people slip away
As if they were the leaves in autumn
I let them fall and disappear into the winter weather

A spark breeds into a roaring flame,
it screams "notice me!"
The flame exhausts itself into ashes
Burned out and drained.
Wind carries those ashes away,
and paints the pavement with their remains.

Passersby lift their chins
because its easier to ignore then it is to face facts.
Those ashes lay there as a reminder
for those whose flame is ready to ignite

There is strength in masses
but not if they are all burning (alive).

People are smoking and taking Xanax as if its essential for living
Its only a blind-fold used to hide their mind from all their issues
Smoking cigarettes won't make people like you
Drinking won't heal emotional damage
But I would be lying if I said it didn't help
I would be a hypocrite for smoking a cigarette
When I am stressed
I would be a hypocrite for drinking when I feel like ****
And
For using substances to help me push out the words that get stuck in my head

The cool girl.
She smokes cigarettes, drinks whiskey and beer
She LOVES all the music you listen to
She writes sad poetry
She plays "hard to get"
She is casual
She is just damaged enough for you to feel "superior"
She ***** ****, very well
She ***** like a **** star
She is always ready and willing
She never fakes an ******
She is into all the video games you like
She only beats you once or twice
She has daddy issues
She never cries
She is the "cool girl"

Let's bring back 2014
Let us rejoice
Let us rekindle the fire
Let you touch my skin
Let you fuel my desire

Lips on Lips
Kiss upon Kiss

"Let's keep things casual"
With no lack of emotion

It's my body
I want you to squeeze in

Our bodies flow like the ocean
And it is hurricane season.

Waking up under miles of water
Panicking
Inhaling
Gasping
Anything is better than how I'm feeling
I'm hoping I will be okay
Eventually
But eventually feels too far away
I want to run
I can't help but stay

Do you often wonder
Why there are voices in the dark
Why you feel like you are never alone
How to understand sanity
How to understand reality
No one truly knows
The depth of reality
The truth of reality
The feeling of reality
Is seeing believing?
Will the world around you disappear?

My head spins
As I lay naked
On the ground
You never knew what to make of me
Truly
I am just a moving body

It's so easy to get lost
When you don't want to be found

I see all of the darkness
All of the light
Your eyes are complex
Deep blues, calming greens and creamy yellows
The base of our Earth's natural colors
Oceans swirl round and round
Collecting all of the colors in the universe

Your eyes twinkle
Full of hope

Expression with sadness
Pain has always been your best inspiration

Endless threads
Stringing together
The "last times" of this year
As "first times"
Slip
Through your fingertips

Three years pass

I had been dreaming
From the first night we met
Wondering
When your lips would melt into mine.
I am glad first kisses
Often lead to more.

Our souls may float on by
And blindly slip  
Through the broken cracks of our futures
But love still remains
In our tingling toes,
The tips of our fingers
Every goose bump
Reminds
You and I
Of every second spent

Reflect
The light of our history
Onto the fresh pavement
In every shining city
Until the polished view of the world
Dissipates
We are left remembering
The colors in each others eyes
And the unmistakable feeling
Which leaves us to wonder
How long it has been..

I am lost.
How can I fix this?
Which pills work the best?
Handfuls upon handfuls
Of tainted emotion
Robotic and soulless.
I dream and pretend
With justification
And self denials.
I need help.
I have been drawn
Towards my old habits
Of blissful *****
And handfulls of fixed happiness.

Ignorance is bliss
i dont like feeling
im sitting on a broken record
that keeps replaying
through the same crooked
emptiness

i..i dont even know what i want to say....
my inspiration is hallow.
I cannot seem to dig deep enough
to actually feel
to actually breath
and understand
all of the thoughts
drifting through my head.
the thoughts are like ghosts.
i am haunted

we are all trying
to pull all of our thoughts together
so that we might understand
the meaning
of what it is to be ALIVE
but right now they are just lines
systematically following each other
with no common theme.
its all gibberish
rambling
similar to a city
after a tsunami
washed out and faded
with the wreckage
built up
from old memories

(At least you know
You are on my subconscious
Even if I doesn't seem like it)

"I like you better
When you are drunk"
If you understood
Why I drink
Would you feel
The same way.

When you told me you loved me
I could barely breathe
Never would I ever suspect
To be so happy
Everything feels
Right when I'm with you

I know I am in love with you
I have known for a while now
I just didn't know how to say it
Until you said it first

In a crowded room
We escaped
Ran outside
And twirled
Spinning in circles
Glow sticks in hand
Just like the alcohol
I let the toxins drip
All over me

I have lost track
Of the smoke
And cold breath
A hand-rolled cigarette
Sits between my teeth
Along with many
Other things

The words
I am too afraid to speak
Slip underneath my tongue
And dissolve with another drink

My feet felt heavy
Two-thousand thirteen
Was quickly escaping
Last year was flushed away
By champagne and a fresh taste of human skin
At 12:01

Do you think we will be
Astronauts
One day?
And will that
Separate our hearts
Galaxies apart
Or will we be strong
And hold onto each other
As I wait for the stars
To lighten up your eyes
Because your eyes
Always brighten up mine

Do you think
One day
We could
Sail across the sea
On a hand-stitched ship
In a wild storm?
In my dreams
We are floating
Above the sea
Without parachutes
Why can't we float
Without parachutes
Right now?

Oh hello again
Familiar feelings
Feelings of vacancy

I remember
When I thought
I could fly

I remember
Learning about
Gravity

Hello again
Old feelings
I remember
How empty I was

I remember
Floating
It only lasted a sort while
Then time went by
As I was deflated

Falling is a  familiar feeling

This desire keeps coming back
It wont escape me
Every single dream
Emptiness escapes
I suffocate every time

Mistakes keep coming back
One after the other
Rows and rows
Reminders
Of the emptiest time
In my life

Why
Do
You
Keep
Coming
Back?

Is this what "normal" feels like?

This is surreal...
I have been dreaming
For years
About this moment

When your lips
Softly
Touch mine

I have waited years
For you
To call me beautiful
(Even though I'm not)

All these years
I have waited
Thinking
We didn't have a chance

But here we are
Holding hands
This moment can't be real-
I'm sure my summer self
Would not believe it
For even a second

I filled up pages
Of my life
With utter nonsense
I filled up pages
And pages
With "Why not"s

Being with you
I slowly regret
Wasting my time
Creating enemies

But being with you
Means you could
Become my enemy too
And I'm okay with that
Because at least
You will
Still
Be mine

Suicides
Snails swim in salt
Fish fly out of water
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Birds stay North for the winter
People trying to swim in the snow
Hypothermia
A slight burn to the nose

Suicides
A rabbit painted yellow
Waiting openly in a field
Flowers remain blossomed
In the frosted winter
A frozen death is brought upon them
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Teenagers drinking
Frequently every weekend
Nicotine addictions
Replaced with weeks full of sadness
Withdraw
Withdraw
Withdraw

Suicides
Taking a risk behind the wheel
Never hoping for survival
Diving into shark infested waters
A whole lifetime without breathing
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Major addictions
For a feeling
A feeling of magic
Of surreal living
Addicted to an alternative reality
Without a pause
No withdraws
No withdraws

"I would give up sleep for you
In a heartbeat"

Such a lovely sound
Gasping for air
Waiting as you take
My last breath
And you
Gasp for air
As I take yours as well

I have been
Dreaming of this moment
When your breath becomes mine
And we are no longer
Two solid bodies
We become a swirling
Pool of
Madness
Lust
Hope
And love.

Eyes never shut
Always locked onto
The computer screen
As I wait for you
To get home
Late nights
Become
Early mornings
Sleepless
Restless
And it is all for you

My lovely living daydream
I don't need sleep
Nocturnal
Day after day
Always awake

And it is all for you
It has always been for you
The endless heartache
The sleepless days
The constant daydreams
The time I spent
Waiting for you
When the time was right
To sail away
With you
Until our broken ship
Sinks

"I would give up sleep for you
In a heartbeat"

Lavender tea
Reminds me
Of you
And the time
We ran
Through
A forest
And rolled around
In a meadow
Until
The stars
Broke the silence
Of the night

Lavender tea
Reminds me
Of your eyes
They are green
Your eyes bring me peace
I imagine your sweet
Swimming
Green eyes
I always seem to sink
Deep
Into your sea-green ocean

Lavender tea
Reminds me of you
All those chilly Autumn nights
When we would lay
Outside
Humming along
To our lavender song
A calming memory

We stare at the same stars
Every time
I can feel your bodies heat
Warming up mine

Lavender tea
Reminds me
Of the memories
We keep and will keep
Lying deep
Within our eyes
And thoughtfully
Staring at the stars.

The sea rests peacefully
As I wait for the moon to rise
Sinking in the sand
Completely and utterly at ease
Eyes shut
Wisps of flimsy hair
Flow sweetly around my neck
As I dream
Of singing stars
Swirling
Painting pictures of all the time
That has past

In the moon I see you
Staring back at me
And as our eyes lock once more
I begin to feel a overwhelming warmth
And the ocean tickles my feet
Still dreaming
And waiting
For the moon to light the sea
I didn't even realize the water had reached my knees
As I began to sink
I heard the stars sing

my dear,
my dear,
open your eyes
naive little girl.
open your eyes
open your heart
open your mind
open your lungs
please breathe
one more time
for us
for you
for him
open your eyes

Still my eyes remained shut
As I slowly let myself fall
Into a comforting embrace
Resided deep between the sea and the sand.

What if time
Isn't restrained by
The seconds, minutes, and hours
We give it.

I like to pretend that time does not exist
No preset limitations
Created by some "mastermind"
Who invented the concept of keeping track of time.

Time, you have always been my enemy
Stealing away precious moments
And wasting it
And for what?
A drawn out lesson that I sleep through anyway

Time, you have always been my enemy
Wake up- 5:30 am every morning
Slowly I lug myself out of bed
As I try to figure out why I must get up so early in the day
When I am perfectly awake at 11pm
After all of the "important" learning is over

Time, you are rather sly
A quick slight of hand
And I have lost 3 hours of my life

Simply sitting here
Staring at the blank white walls
Of this room
As I try hard to fight sleep
With endless cups of coffee

Time has always been that one
Undefeated enemy who keeps coming back
Always up for a fight
And I am ready to lose again

What if minutes didn't exist?
I guess life would be a little chaotic
But I would never be late
I could take all the time
I wanted
Days would pass
But that wouldn't matter
Because days wouldn't exist
If we never let it.

Sitting there
I realized
I will never
Be the reason you wake up
In the morning

I will not
Be your muse

Nor will I
Be the reason why
This is your favorite coffee shop

All because
Your heart was already locked
I spent days, months, years
Trying to find the key
But she beat me
All I want to do
Is take what is rightfully mine
The love that could have been
Should have been
Would have been

If only
She hadn't come around
With her innocent smile
And naive eyes
Glaring
Staring me down
Like a hawk

What did she do to deserve you?
Is she a Goddess?
A Queen?
A Siren who sang to you
And lured you in so deep
You drowned?

My heart
Was stolen in the midst of
All of this chaos
But I know it is safe
Lying deep
Within the darkness

Is it wrong
If all I want
For me is you?

You are the reason I wake up
Every morning
You are my muse
And you make this coffee shop
Feel like home.

What if nothing really exists?
That is the question.
A question that digs deep into the soul

Who created God?
I've always wondered this
How could God exist?
How could one single being
Obtain enough power
To create all of existence?

All of the beliefs
Have very little evidence
I do not fully believe in anything
For I do not agree with non sense.

Will I always be your sloppy seconds?
A binge that you will end up regurgitating in the end
That first addictive taste of a cigarette that consumes you
And I am left, smashed on the ground

Will I always be your escape route?
A rescue boat from the lousy life you are living
Lying, deceiving, a black hole ready to cave in

Will I always be there at 3 am when you're lonely?
Sadly, I will
I will stupidly be more than ready to come and save you
From your lonely, drunken nights
But will you?
When I am in need
When I feel like there is nothing left to live for
Will you be ready for me?

I will forever be your last resort
A sinful secret
The last bottle of whiskey
That you downed so nicely
And you will forever be my ever so holy number one
That smooth drive home to your house
When all innocence was not lost
And I feel whole once more

Will I always be a fool?
An optimistic, hopefully, trusting, fool
Thinking this time will be different
Thinking I wont end up alone once more.

Pearls lay sweetly around her neck
Lace amplifying every perfection on her beautiful body
The moon light glows heavenly upon her skin