You are beautiful
I see it in the way your crooked teeth show when you smile big enough to make me choke
I feel it in the soft cracks in your voice when you are nervous

You are beautiful
In the way that your body shakes with all the energy bursting through your fingertips like life isn’t always moving at your pace
In the way that your brows furrow when you are focused

You are beautiful
Like the golden red and orange sunset reflecting on the ocean and big puffy clouds tinted pink
Like handpicked bouquets you gave to your mother when you were 7

I love the way your toes curl and your hands shake when you’re anxious
I love brushing my fingers across the soft expanse of your skin, every freckle and scar, the stretch marks that grew with every inch that you did

You are beautiful
I am so lucky to live a life with you in it

I mourn all the dreams I can’t recall when morning comes
All the moments I was moving too fast to cherish what I love
I mourn the friends who left and went on to better things
The ones who out grew me
The ones who pretend they don’t remember how we used to know the secrets no one else knew

I know I behave like a child sometimes
Throwing temper tantrums and pretending like I don’t want to cry
I know I act like I am not affected by it all
Like my life is full of sunshine even in the nighttime
I’m so tired of the charade
Are you someone I can count on
To be okay with me
Even when it rains

How sad is it
That the validation I get
Comes from people who don’t even know me yet
And I cling to it
It makes no common sense
To believe in strangers opinions over your friends
But how could I believe that the people who love me
Wouldn’t lie to my face
When it’s all I’ve ever known
Getting older means learning how to cope with change
And growing up from the child your parents raised
And you can’t do it all alone
You’ll have to learn to pick up your phone

My mother used to say that friends would never last and I shouldn’t trust that anyone would have my back
She said that family was the only ones who would love every piece of me regardless
But that just wasn’t true
Her love came with conditions too

So it’s sad that now
When I’m feeling down
I don’t feel like I can reach out to my friends
So instead I cry to the internet and
When people ask me why
I tell them it’s because rejection is easier to swallow when the relationship is hallow

I’m so sorry that I can’t always be that
Sun-shining person you think I am
So I’ll hide from you when I’m feeling blue
So you don’t see every scrape cut and bruise
That I dug and carved right out of my heart
Just to feel like I am human too

Have you ever starved yourself to the point of sickness?
Empty and hallow and still trying to give pieces of yourself that don’t exist
You take another pill, tell another lie, say to yourself, your family and friends you are fine
Eat just enough to get by
Hope they don’t notice the gaps getting larger between your meals and your thighs
You take sleeping pills because sleep has become harder and harder to reach
The pit in your stomach screams loudly
Warning you that it’s empty
Reluctantly you go and swallow your pride
And hope that will last you through the evening

What will I do if all the time I’ve spent trying to fix myself doesn’t work out
I don’t really know what’s wrong with me
I’m in therapy
I started taking medication too
I’m worried that I’m wrong about how I feel
What if the thing I’m dealing with is much bigger
For half a year I’ve questioned myself
I thought I figured it all out
But there is doubt in the back of my mind
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel alright

There is nothing I can do
I don’t want to make any wrong moves
What if I’m wrong about all of this
And I make mistakes that are permanent
I just want to feel okay
And not want to die everyday
How do you sort through your thoughts
And figure out why you feel so stuck
On top of all this
I can’t cry anymore
It’s been a while since I’ve been able to
I wish everyday that I’ll reach my breaking point
Just to feel alive again
Finding joy in imaginary things
Feeling hurt by all the things I’m missing

When I say I love you like I love a song
I mean I play you nonstop until I get tired
I let myself become surrounded by you
You become the only thing that makes me feel
I itch when I can’t feel you near me
When I can’t hear your constant reassurance that you won’t leave me
Even though I know I’ll leave you eventually
I’m sorry if I love you like I love a song
Because I will make you feel like my whole world
And take all your free time
I will tell you how beautiful you are and how much you mean to me
But it’s only temporary

I’m exhausted from keeping up with the person I am trying to be
Hiding my true self from all my friends and family
I just want to be understood
But at the same time I’m scared
What if I show myself and people don’t care
I don’t want any more people to leave me
I just need some more stability
I know they say family is here no matter what
I can’t help feeling like there’s a but
What if I suddenly be myself
And end up scaring off everyone else
Will they say I’m just being fake
Or will they accept me and we’ll embrace
I just want someone to understand
I don’t want to keep up with this person I’ve been living as
It’s hard to let go of my insecurities
And telling myself I should try and be free