I’m not sure when it happened or even why
But one day I came to the realization
That I will always be the last pick.
Always be replaceable.
Always too much or not enough.
Problem is- I think it’s my fault.
Perhaps I’m the only one who finds
Such little worth in me.

-ARI

They act like time
Is the maid that comes to sweep away
The horrors and the pains of our past
When really she is the secretive  secretary
Who takes inventory of all the trauma
Sewn into our stories throughout the years

Time doesnt heal brokenness for she is no witch.
She simply covers our gaping wounds
Made from living through nightmares until
The surface of our pain is healed enough
To leave only angry scars as life long reminders

-ARI

Because I am a woman

My mind thinks faster
My hands are kinder
My breath comes more controlled
My temper is softer
My soul more forgiving
My resilience stronger

But you see me as weak
For no other reason
Then the fact I am all woman

Yet my boots are just as heavy
My uniform just as worn
My skills just as sharp
I run into the danger just as quickly as you do
And yet you get a smile and a nod
And I just get dismissed

Because I am a woman

I used to be a poet
Writing down worlds in my soul
Praying someone learned
Of all the pain my body knows
As scars danced upon my....

I used to be a poet
I wrote until my fingers bled
From the twisted words
Lost in my soul
My mouth had never said
But then life....

I used to write out heartache
Like a doctor writes a script
So cold and nonchalant
It cold make a stone heart skip...

I used to be a poet
Now words just don’t feel right
I suppose I’ll leave those thoughts
Tangled in the darkest night...

I tried.

I feel like a feather
Floating atop vast ocean waters
Far from land
Just waiting for the waves to drown me

That anxiety alone could suffocate me

-ARI

There are
Far too many words
Far too many syllables
I never said to you.

There are
Far too many moments
Far too many memories
I never made with you.

There are
Far too many letters
Far to many notes
I never sent to you.

There are
Far too many tears
Far too many sleepless nights
Ever since you left.

I miss you.

-ARI

I often wonder
Who I’ll be
When the day comes
For us to meet.

I hope I’m brave
Kind and true
And hope my soul
Brings joy to you.

-ARI

My brother,
Please come back.
I need you so.

-ARI

My brother died 12 days ago.
I held him until his last heartbeat passed.
I watched my mothers heart break
And fathers world shatter.

I was there.
I watched his lips turn blue.
I felt the heat leave his body
And sobbed into his hospital gown.

My brother died 12 days ago.
I was the one to make the phone calls.
I’m the one who broke the news
To our family and friends.

I was there.
I walked down those halls.
I left my shattered soul
Sewn into the cracked tiles of that hospital.

My brother died 12 days ago.
I swear he took my heart with him.
He left my mind here to listen
To the countless “my condolences”.

I was there.
I saw the 300 people who loved him.
I met some of the countless souls
He guided through life storms.

My brother died 12 days ago.
I am still crying when no ones looking.
I buried my brother in the earth he loved
But his light and love lives in me now.

-ARI

These are my people
And these mats are our home.
We connected through the passion
Embedded in our bones.

Everyday we’re here
We’re renewed on our mats.
Theres sweat, tears, and blood on our Gis,
On our rash guards and spats.

We strive to train hard
And always remember
This family we’ve created
We’ll never surrender.

-ARI

I dreamt
After all these years
My wish to become a mother
Became my reality

I saw myself
With a soft smile
Lovingly caressing the small bump
Protecting my child

Then suddenly
I lay in bed screaming
As I’m swallowed up by absolute horror
Unable to move

As I saw
The most maniacal
Creature made up of all my anxiety
Doubt and self hate

I felt its
Mangled charcoal like
Claws gripping my leg as it slowly
Inched up my body

I could hear
It’s labored breathing
And strangled laughter ripping through
My petrified mind

I woke up
At 2am completely
Distraught as I helplessly fumbled
Through the darkness

Fighting hard
Against something
That wasn’t actually in my room but
I swear I can still feel It

My breaths
Coming out in pitifully
Panicky spurts mixed childish whimpers
A silent plea for help

I felt as if
I lost my child
And every ounce of peace in that terror-
I fear sleep tonight.

ARI

I have this overwhelming fear
God is watching me
With tears in his eyes
Shaking his head
And with sadness in his throat
He tells his son

“She was meant to be so much more
But she is nothing I created her to be”

And that image in my head
Destroys me every night
As I lay in my bed
Thinking of everything
I wish I could be and
Everything I wish I could do.

-ARI

Here I am again
Standing on the same bridge
I always seem to end up on
Contemplating every decision
I have ever made
To keep myself alive.

I swear there's a library
In my mind made up
Of ever growing caverns
Overflowing with scrolls
Of which I wish would burn
Far past the point of ashes.

Here I am again
Questioning every word
Said to me that was less than
Cruel, for I will always
Doubt someone's claim
Of sweet sincerity.

I swear there is
Very little worth
Sleeping inside my soul
Of which is drowning
Within my accidentally
Self-induced torment.

Help me;
I cant breathe.

-ARI

I am a victim of self hate
And never ending insomnia.

I swear my bones are crumbling
Inside the flesh of which holds
Nightmares and maniacal dreams
Embedded within my genetic makeup.

I swear every morning my eyes open
My very entity is ***** by anxiety.

My soul is pregnant with Its child-
Panic of which eats at my mind
Leaving me to starve without an ounce of
Peace.

-ARI

I will be completely honest with you
Im currently drunk as I write this.

For tonight a man stirred the anxieties
That have been buried in my bones.

My mind cycled through every moment
I have ever felt fear caused by a man.

My body hurt in every exact spot
My skin has ever been bruised by a man.

My heart screamed in agony
From every lie a man has fed me.

Tonight I drank until all I could feel
Was round glass resting on my lips.

You see, tonight a man wanted me
But I was far too scared to kiss him.

Tonight I said no, for I was uncomfortable
And stood up for myself.

I am so proud of my progress in self worth
And yet I am still hiding behind *****.

-ARI

No one seems to realize
Who I really am and all
The hurt inside me
Has been thoroughly hidden
Deeply within every poem
My exhausted hands have penned.
I’ve yet to be found.

-ARI

I am an odd little lullaby.
The kind of which who’s existence
You question until you reach
That one sentence that defines
The exact pain wrapped around your soul.
Then and only then
Do you begin to find value in my words.
You see, I have spent my fair share of  
Moments crumpled up in a heap
Of weary bones and heavy tears
Wishing I was anyone but me
And yet I have survived.
I have become a vibrant nobody.

-ARI

I am fighting
The malicious urge
To mutilate the shivering flesh
Upon my aching bones
But then again,
I suppose that’s not too odd
For a creature like me.

-ARI

I can feel the too lively weeds
Growing from the veins of adventure
Of which keep my soul alive.

For I have been still
Far longer than I ever should
And I can feel my heart withering.

I can feel all the vibrant colors
The universe itself has painted me
Draining from my ever growing cracks.

For with every drop of vibrant life
Falling from my weakening body I can feel
The light inside my soul dying a little more.

-ARI

I’m stuck inside somebody else’s head
I don’t know who she’s supposed to be.
It’s like we’re one single body
With two different personalities
I swear sometimes neither one can breathe.

Her face is smiling but I feel her soul dying
She’s begging me to finally set her free.
But she’s the face meant for society
The one everybody loves to meet.
The one I really want to be.

I’m the one always hiding
Behind hallow eyes always lying

Saying “I’m ok”

-ARI

I am a drunk.
Like the angry town fool
Stumbling through the darkened streets.

I am like a blind bird
Flying through a sea of skyscrapers.
Just waiting for the moment I crash.

I am sad.
Like the sea on a rainy day
For no one wants to drop by to say hello.

I am lost.
Like a child at the store
Wandering as my fear happily chokes me

I am hopeful.
Like an addict gambling
All my life saving on a “sure win”.

I am unsure.
Like a doctor staring at a dying child
As I’m holding a “might work” treatment.

I just want to be ok.

-ARI

My dad wears a uniform,
A badge and a gun.
He says goodbye to my mom
Who prays he’ll see tomorrow’s sun.

She’s gone to bed so many nights
Without him by her side.
The empty bed come morning
Makes her fear opening her eyes.

I was but seven years old
The first time I truly realized
The bad choices people make
Are the reason daddy’s friends have died.

I hate listening to the radio
And watching any news
For when disaster strikes
Policemen always lose.

They lose time with their husbands.
They lose time with their wives.
They lose time with their children.
They too often lose their lives.

Every choice you’ll ever make
Will impact someone’s day
Please don’t let tonight’s actions
Rip someone’s tomorrow away.

-ARI

I spent my first Christmas without you
Gently rocking in my lazy boy.
My childhood pup
Resting his weary body at my feet.

Not one mean word was said to me.
I never had the urge to cry.
It was just me and my old pal;
Best Christmas I’ve had in years.

You were but a passing thought
Like a lost wanderer
Passing through the Forrest’s
Of my ever growing mind.

Dear Ex-Husband..
Today is a whole new year.
I  am finally happy now.
I hope you are too.

-ARI

You will
Either hate me or love me
There is no in between.

If you hate me
It will be because
My Kindness rips apart your soul

If you love me
It will be because
My heart pacifies your mind.

-ARI

Soul deep exhaustion
Penetrating my 'ever weary bones.

All the bad in my life
Crowding my throat; Suffocating me.

Life's twisted imagery;
Gut wrenching hate waltzing in my head.

I cannot find freedom
From ever changing scenery in my heart.

-ARI

I do not know what to tell you.
I do not know why I hurt.
I cannot tell you which moment
Tore my heart through my shirt.

I know not why my soul is bleeding.
There's so much I don't understand.
I wish I could explain to myself
Why my husband was an unkind man.

I never could quite figure it out.
Why I felt I was so broken.
I still don't know why my tender throat
Is often shredded by words unspoken.

-ARI

The seductive siren
Swimming in the angry seas of my life
Singing softly of the sweet peace
My tormented soul prays for.

I did not know I was in danger
Of drowning until I was close enough
To see the demons dancing
In the darkened depths of her eyes.

She caught me.

-ARI

I was your marionette
I did all that you said.

I was your caged bird
My wild song never heard.

I was your violin
Your mistreated instrument.

I was your fairytale
Real life me; bland and stale.

-ARI

Excuse me please,
For being skeptical
When you claim to think highly of me.

For I remember
All the times
You swore Id never amount to anything.

I can still feel
Your harsh words
burrowing into my deepest insecurities.

So excuse me please,
For not believing
The sweet words you've wrapped me in.

-ARI

The heart in question
Is strong and mighty
Loud and needy.
It will demand a life
Of ever changing scenery
While crying for serenity
Inside another's soul.

This travelers heart
Will carry you to places
You never knew you craved.
She will sing you songs
You've never heard before
And every string inside your
Being will rejoice in the music made.

She will create melodies
From the flowers blooming
As the sun dances just for them.
Melodies of which will
Somehow transform the world
Into the most soul changing
Symphony any creature has ever heard.

She will never feel satisfied
With three, eight, or nineteen
Countries imprinted into her blood.
She will turn you into an
Addict always looking for
Your next fix full of exploration;
Foreign languages playing in your ear.

She will make you feel
So full of love as long as you
Provide her with tastes of foreign life.
She will make you feel lost
Inside a never ending cavern
Filled with faded heart lights
If you ever wish to stay still.

For trade: A travelers heart
Wanted: A heart made for home.

-ARI

Dear heart
Dear mind
Tell me please
What you're trying to find.

Your insecurities
Your tears
Have shredded me
I'm lost within my fears.

Please stop
Please wait
I'm begging you
Relieve me of your self-hate.

-ARI

Rain drops resting on our cheeks
Such sweet renewal
No one dares to speak.
Our eyes turned up to the stars
We have found peace
Right where we are.
Natures voice made us a melody
For us to dance to;
For us to sing.

So darling
keep your hands
wrapped around my waist
Listen to my laughter
As I kiss your lovely face.
Know that for time and
For ever after,
You'll be the rain
That cleansed my soul.

Sunshine crawls; gently waking me
While I'm cradled by
My living dream.
Love waltzing from my soul
Wrapping 'round the one
Who became my home.

So darling
keep your hands
wrapped around my waist
Listen to my laughter
As I kiss your lovely face.
Know that for time and
For ever after,
You'll be the rain
That cleansed my soul.
You'll be the rain
I'll always know.

-ARI

She loved people
She hadn't meant to love.
They'd take her heart
But it was never enough
They'd hold her up  
Throw her down
Leave her trembling on the ground.

They often made her listen to their laughter
always seeming to be after
The leftover pieces of her weary soul
But when that girl was alone
Her eyes would close and her lips would cry

"One day Ill climb so high
I will own the sky
I will never cry again.
One day the sun will rise
And I'll be right by its side
Together we'll forever shine."


She hoped for things
She never should have dreamed.
Like a loving man
Who always brought her peace.
For with that fantasy inside her head
She looked for love
In an unkind man.
He'd hold her close
Kiss her lips
Say she's beautiful
And she'd always be his.
But then he'd let her fall
Say its all her fault
Get angry and hold her
Much too hard.

She'd stay curled up inside her head
Arms protecting herself
From the words that had been said
And she'd cover up the sting of his song
By singing her own little verse

"One day I'll climb so high
I will touch the sky
I will never fall again.
And when the sun does rise
Ill be right by its side
Forever part of its light.
When he looks up to the skies
Ill be burnt into his eyes.
He will never yell again.
I will never cry again."

-ARI

Breathe in, Breathe out
Why the hell
Do you worry about
What others think of you?
Get up, move on
Don't let them
Drag you along
Their road of misery.

And they say
You're never gonna make it
You're never gonna find it
That sweet love
You're wanting oh
Girl just give it up.

Cause, you aren't good enough
Girl you should wander off
No one wants a mind like yours, oh no
Cause your lips aren't sweet enough
Oh girl just give it up
You're never gonna find someone
Who wants to love you.

Bruised heart, solemn eyes
Little girl wanting to know why
She is the way she is.
Shaking hands, trembling knees
Begging herself just to leave
But she couldn't move.

And now she's
Lost to the wilderness
Made up of emptiness
But she doesn't want to live
Here anymore.

So she's standing tall
Against her fears
She's gonna get out of here
And she wont let them
Hurt her anymore.

Breathe in, breathe out
She finally knows
What she's about.
Head held high
Shoulders squared
Now she knows
She never belonged there.

-ARI

Those three little words
Like surgical wire
Sewing my heart to your shirt
As they waltzed from my lips.

When our backs turned
I was left the shredded remains
Of my once vibrant soul.
You were left a tattered shirt.

-ARI

I once had a friend
Who was afraid to die.
That very same friend
Was afraid of life.

I once had a friend
Who hated herself.
That very same friend
Loved everyone else.

I once had a friend
Whos soul had unraveled.
That very same friend
Had often traveled.

I once was a friend...

-ARI

I lost who I am
In a sea of religion.
As the sharks made
From scriptures
Tore my limbs apart.

-ARI

I
want my-
No. I need
My voice to be
Heard by any soul inclined to listened.

-ARI