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ARI Jan 24
I’m not sure when it happened or even why
But one day I came to the realization
That I will always be the last pick.
Always be replaceable.
Always too much or not enough.
Problem is- I think it’s my fault.
Perhaps I’m the only one who finds
Such little worth in me.

ARI Mar 2023
I always swear work doesn’t affect me.

Trauma?! HA! Never.

And for the most part I am ok.

But suddenly I realized as I counted every single calorie; every single bite… scrubbed every surface and washed my hands far too many times..

The fear of gaining weight; of relying on everyone else to care for me…

Just might be coming from the living people whose bodies are actively rotting. Flesh and fluids dripping off the sides of my stretcher.

My ambulance regularly becoming a biohazard until I’ve scrubbed every inch.

Listening to the sounds of weeping patients on their way to the ER for the 5th time this month because no body cares about them.

It’s not death that scares me. Not loss of limbs or sight that worries me. It’s not having anyone who wants to love me. Not having anyone willing to speak for me when I am broken. It’s the idea my mind can be pristinely sharp but my body defeated and needing someone. But no body cares.

That possibility is petrifying.

ARI Sep 2022
They act like time
Is the maid that comes to sweep away
The horrors and the pains of our past
When really she is the secretive  secretary
Who takes inventory of all the trauma
Sewn into our stories throughout the years

Time doesnt heal brokenness for she is no witch.
She simply covers our gaping wounds
Made from living through nightmares until
The surface of our pain is healed enough
To leave only angry scars as life long reminders

ARI Aug 2022
It’s such an odd irony
For me to be legally responsible
For lives of strangers
When I can barely keep my own heart beating

The irony that I fill hospitals
With heart broken patients
Whose self-hate has come to life
Leaving trails of loathing etched into their skin

When I fight daily
To keep those thoughts at bay
And my smile so perfectly practiced
Few could even fathom I would ever want to…. Stop

I’m ok; simply letting off steam
ARI Mar 2022
Because I am a woman

My mind thinks faster
My hands are kinder
My breath comes more controlled
My temper is softer
My soul more forgiving
My resilience stronger

But you see me as weak
For no other reason
Then the fact I am all woman

Yet my boots are just as heavy
My uniform just as worn
My skills just as sharp
I run into the danger just as quickly as you do
And yet you get a smile and a nod
And I just get dismissed

Because I am a woman
As a female EMT I am often dismissed as weak the moment someone lays their eyes on. Before even a word is spoken they’ve deemed me useless because what woman belongs in a uniform? I spend everyday fighting the issue and every day I set someone straight.
ARI Nov 2021

I just feel

A little empty

A little upside down

Like everything inside me

Is screaming to get out
ARI Oct 2020
I used to be a poet
Writing down worlds in my soul
Praying someone learned
Of all the pain my body knows
As scars danced upon my....

I used to be a poet
I wrote until my fingers bled
From the twisted words
Lost in my soul
My mouth had never said
But then life....

I used to write out heartache
Like a doctor writes a script
So cold and nonchalant
It cold make a stone heart skip...

I used to be a poet
Now words just don’t feel right
I suppose I’ll leave those thoughts
Tangled in the darkest night...

I tried.
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