It was hot.
Very hot and sudden.  
My skin on fire
Sweat covering me
I am not mad.  
I am not sick
Just another heat flash
To make sleeping harder on me
A hundred degrees on only my skin.
It almost makes hell sound sweet by what is happening to me.

It's 2 in the morning
And I can't sleep
I just want to feel you in my sheets
Skin on skin
And heat on heat

I want to touch you
To feel that I have someone to hold on too
You make everything crisp
Like fresh clean air
I wish I could breath you in
Give me another taste
I am addicted to you

Love,  
Yours truly

Until we meet again.

You looked at me as I bought my stuff
Just customer and cashier
But something about you caught me off guard
Maybe it was the way you wore that cross and had no name tag.  
My little stranger who I couldn't help but flirt with
Your deep brown eyes I could fall into
Deep and dark
So mature
I was single and not looking for love.
Scared by it.
But then you asked my name.  
And boy did you deliver when you found me
On social media.  
My little stranger
My little love

Another year and look where I am
Hands deep in my pockets
But no longer depressed
I haven't cut in forever
No painting myself red
I haven't hated myself
Hated my name

I left all that behind in 2018

You didn't.
You stopped in 2016
Dead in the phase when we all were trying to find a reason to live.  
You really did die
When we all were pretending to be
You didn't leave the phase that left me
In 2018

He had tattooed arms and tattoos up to his face
With two tears on his cheek just under his eye.
He had a little baby
Five months by what he said.
What happened to get the two tears?  
And what that show his child
When he has a dad who lives to be wild.

Half way through the year
And what have you did,  oh dear...  
Have you gave to people in need?
No,  you stay in the way.  
Like a ****.  
You focus on your self hoping you never delay
But the year isn't over.  
You still have time
To change the fate of the world
Even if you just have a dime.

No matter what i do the nightmares come back of what happened in 2013.
I didnt say anything.  
Held it a secret that hurt my heart.  
I am guilty and upset but it wasnt my fault.
Right?  
Even if taken to law.  
You will get away with it
My word against yours
And years of difference of what you scarred me with.

Keep things to yourself
And keep your mouth shut before you hurt others and yourself.

Give me another hit.  
I am feeling scared
I want to forget who I was and what is now
Nothing will matter in a second
Not the dark
Not what is happening

Give me another hit
I want to taste the burn and feel the fire
I want to faze off so the fear isn't anything anymore

Give me another hit
Just one more.
I promise this is the last
I just want to forget.

I am naturally very paranoid.  
Little things scare me and make me fear for my life.  
I live life unreasonably.  And always on edge.  
A twig snap in the dark or maybe a shadow moves.  
I will think I am being followed or stalked.  
What is unknown is the scariest of all
I am naturally paranoid and I hate always living on the
Edge.

I love you was written on your lips
And when you said it
I fell deep for you
Every kiss in between words
And random things said when least expected
Pictures taken and all the laughs
But, "I love you" stole my heart
It left me gasping for air
As I said it back
I love you and I promise you.  
I will keep you until the last breath has escaped me and long after that.

Past
Present
Future
All mixed up in that first hit.  
I didn't know it felt this way
And no one prepared me
But god was it confusing
How I couldn't tell if you were actually with me.  
I couldn't tell what time it was and my head felt really dizzy.  
I couldn't put together words because I was focusing on you
On who you were.  
How you felt.  
So I wouldn't panic.  
My first hit
And it leaves me wanting to feel lost again.

Confused and dark
Time slipping away with every blink
Holding my head trying to find reality
But there is you
My reminder this is real
This feeling will fade
With the confidence it brings
Anxiety and depression with the waves
I panic
Is this real?
The smoke and the high?
Me kissing your lips and savoring the sweet.  
I touch your chest
This doesn't feel real
But it will fade
But, god did I get lucky to have you
Through the smoke and the high

Wildfire
Burning bright with energy
Loving off others energy to make hers bigger
You could see it in her walk and talk
Big steps and loud happy voice
But sometimes her fire would dimmer down
Into smouldering ash
Just burning and willing a flame
Til something exciting happened
And back was her flame
A wildfire she is.

Butterflies in my chest
A feeling I haven't felt before
Talking to me like I have self worth
I can't help but think about you
Even in the
Dark
It isn't just what you do that gets me worked up and swooning.  
It is what you say.  
It is how you get super smart all the time
It is how you smile and scrunch your nose up
Like a pug
It is how you hug me fully and never let go.  
Butterflies in my chest
And oh does it feel so good when I think of you.

I am outside
Outside my soul
Outside my body
All my feelings surreal
In bliss and ecstasy
From what you say to me.  

A smile never leaves my lips
A trace of laugh in my cheeks
And blush left over from what you said.
This is my now.
But it feels too lovely to be true.  
How you look at me
How you talk to me.  
This bliss
This heaven.  
No, better then heaven.  
This is the person
I wouldn't mind stealing the moon for them.

I can touch you
And feel you
I can hear you
And see you
This is real
But why do you feel like an Angel.  
Too perfect to be real.

I don't regret a thing I have done
And I have done a lot of questionable things
But I don't regret a thing
With regret comes worry
And when you don't regret it.  
You don't worry
And boy.  Do I feel at ease.

You kissed to trap
And you kissed good
Tying your lips to mine to make me yours
But I don't trap easily
But with every touch I almost fell to my knees for you.  
But I didn't.
  
"It is either all or nothing. "

You kissed me.  To get me.  
But I am not easily got.  
And I deserve better then you.

I am
Lost but Found
           Broken but Fixed
Old but New
I am someone
                               Different
Someone who learned from their
M
I
S
T
A
K
E
S
But you didn't change me or help me.
I did it for me
While you watched from
Afar
Acting like you took part in who I
Am
Today

The marks you left behind after the bruises faded
A flinch at a hesitant touch
Afraid to be alone with someone
Afraid to be touched in a hug
It isn't on purpose
I swear
I just panic at touches even by family
From what you left when the bruises had healed over

Breathing underwater is impossible to do.  
Moving a mountain is impossible to do with bare hands
Running for days is impossible to do.
But I would do it all for you.  
Even if it didn't let me keep you.

Across the room
I stared
At your nicely cut hair
And button up

A kick in my chest
To restart my heart
Our eyes met
For only a millisecond
Only to part

Heart in my throat
But I walked away
Hoping to meet you
Some other day

It is hard
To write
When all the words I want to say
Are scrambled up inside
Poems about love and betrayal.  
It just seems so overused
But no matter what
It is hard
To write
Anything other then about that.

What were we?
A huge mess tied in a bow?
But I loved you so much it hurt
When I had to let you go.

This face is natural
And it may look mean
I look like a *****
Who eats nails daily

But I am actually sweet
With a heart of gold
Just talk to me

But be prepared
Because if you break my heart
I will tear you apart.
Because this ***** Face can be a *****

You are trying so hard
To get in my bubble
Planning dates with someone so unstable

Don't you get it?
Don't you see?
You are only a friend
Only a friend to me.

You won't give up
You won't go away
Blocked on all my social medias
But still you find a way to contact me

Don't you get it?
Don't you see?
You will never, ever be with me.

Still there you are promising again.
That this will work out.
You are a "gentleman."

DON'T YOU GET IT?
DON'T YOU SEE?
You have been friend-zoned, baby.

You were my world
I revolved around you like crazy.  Bringing you waves and a beautiful thing in your sky.  
But you didn't like my waves
Or the way I looked in your sky
So I drifted away.  I didn't have to revolve around you.  I chose you.  
And I can take it away.

Was it all fake?
Every hug,
Every kiss,
Every I love you,
Every I miss you?

Was it all fake?
Cause throwing me to the side made it feel like it.
Cause you **** don't miss me.
I guess it was all fake
And I can't help but cry about it.

The fire stages of grief or in my case.  The five stages of a messed up relationship.  
Denial:
- He is just honest.  He didn't mean it that way.  He wants the best for me.  I am pretty stupid sometimes.  
Anger:
- How can he tell me to live my life?  I deserve better.  I am not a toy.  I am going to break up with him!  
Bargaining:
- I can just delete the message.  Maybe if I just tell him again how I feel it will go back to normal.  Maybe he was just playing....  
Depression:  
- Oh god,  It is really over between us...  What did I do?  I need him!  All my friends will hate me now because they liked us together.  What if he stalks me?  
Acceptance:  
- I am better off.  I deserve to be happy,  I am happy.  It wouldn't have worked out between us but we are both happier now.  Friends or not friends.  No matter what my feelings matter and they weren't getting respected so I have to put myself first and I am proud of that.  I am proud of my choices.

I took the leap into the unknown not knowing where it went.  
I am hurt and I am lost
But I am hoping someone will catch me
Or at least there will be water.

At some point tears turn into anger
And I am sick and tired of crying and crying

Hair has to be past the shoulders.
No bangs
No makeup
Hair straight and always down
Cant talk this way.
Cant hold hands this certain way
Cant walk on a certain side of them.

He wants everything about me a certain way.

I laugh to much
I laugh too loud
I am indecisive
I say stupid things
When I talk I say certain words too much

It is like he wants me
                                      to be
                                               someone
                                                                else.
What am I too you?
A play thing?
Your toy?
Someone just to waste time with and give you affection?

What am I too you?
Cause it doesn't feel like your girlfriend.

I remember when I was young
And I thought people never died.  
No one died.  
I lived in a little world all on my own.  
But then little by little my family died off
My dad
My grandma
My aunt
Everyone died.
And I accepted that as what is too become
Pets die and so do we.  
It is hard to accept death unless you live in it.  
I live and thrive in the death that surrounds my life.  
I sometimes wonder why I am still even alive.

We are just an inch apart
But lately it has felt like we are miles
I don't know what to do
I still love you
But our moments only seem to revolve around what you want to do.
It is weird how fine I am, being your moon.

Spit on my face from your poison lips.  
Yelling names I could never repeat.  
Curses and foulness fills the air.  
All I wanted was love.  
Appreciation.  
Someone to look up too.  
All I got was a drunk stuck on drugs  
Screaming and falling into my life.  
But even after all these years
And what you did to me
I still love a little part of you.  
I just wish you loved me too.  
Dad.  
Sincerely,  
The *****

Throw me to the side
Cancel everything we had planned
Don't talk to me for days
Never say you love me.
But here I am
Still attached to you
Still loving you
When you haven't been here for me
For years it seems
Cancel me.

I shot you into my veins hard and fast.
Addiction was easy when I was willing
Loved the taste of you after each hit
But now I can't have you.
I am craving
Withdrawal hurts without you in my veins
Just waiting for another hit
Cause I am always willing

I wonder what dying feels like.  
Right after the pain is it quiet?  
Will it stop me from hating myself?  
Is it a fresh start?  
I just wish I could have the strength to jump.  
Instead I just walk around.  
Hating who I am
And hoping for a better day that may never come.

What did I do?
What did I say?  
Why are you so heartless?
How did I upset you?  
Why don't you care?

The past was hidden deep under my mask.
All that happened was forgotten under my smile.
I was fine.
The break up was awful but I am okay.
The bruise is just from a fall.
But every time someone came near or touched me unexpected
I would flinch
And my mask would crack
Letting just a little of my horrid past
Unmask

I feel like I have lost something
But I cant put my finger on it
Maybe I lost myself
Or something I had
How could I have lost something when I don't know what it was.

Why am I giving my all?
When you won't give me anything
But empty messages and empty arms.  
And leaving me with a broken heart.

Read the words I said
Not one word back
Is this what we have become?  
Me chasing after you for affection.  
Affection you won't give.  
You read my words
Nothing said back
I didn't notice at first since you ignore me for hours
Hours turned into days
Where did you go.  
Read the words I said
And ran away
I guess you didn't love me anyway.

Let me smash
Let me smash
Let me have a slice of that ***.

You don't say a word
And neither do I.  
And endless silence
But quite content.  
We just listen to each other breath
Not breaking the silence.

It hurts on the inside
Hiccuping crying
Screaming inside and wanting to outside
Saying things we didn't mean
But you never said sorry
Only me
It hurts like a stab wound left to rot
The scar will stay of what you said
Tears have gone dry
So have my emotions
Left drained and withered
I have nothing to say
Just a hurt on the inside.
An endless pain
That you are not sorry for
Cause you meant everything

I sometimes wish I was dead.  
Want to be dead.  
But then I think of you.
6 feet underground
Not feeling happiness anymore.  
Was it worth it?  
Did it make you feel better?  
Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

I lost little bits and pieces of the woman I knew over the years.  
It wasn't noticeable at first.  
A few forgotten things in rooms.  
A few stories retold for the third time.  
But now it has become something that stands out when you talk to her.  
The woman that raised me.  
Sometimes forgot about me.
Forgotten things were left everywhere as she didn't remember putting them there.  
Sometimes she forgot about me for the day, only to remember later.  

No one raises a child with the thought that their parents may forget them.
But it happened and nothing can change that.  

Her mind seemed to have lost the parts that I loved and so did she.  
But I still love her.  
This complete stranger that raised me or at least that is who she sees me as.  
As I listen to her tell me the same story for the 10 time in a row.  
I still love her.  
Even if she has forgotten me.

What is this feeling?  
I can't describe it and I haven't ever felt it before.  
It is like I am upside down but right side up.
Everything hurts but heals
I want to cry and laugh at the same time.  
I love me but hate me
What is this feeling?  
It is almost like I am conflicted on everything.  
What is this feeling?