My young arms held around him tight.  
I couldn't say what was wrong.  
I was raised that being weak was stupid and to always be strong.  
So I held him tight.  
Wanting to cry but not going too.  
All the issues going on.  
Sometimes I wish I could bury myself.  
But there in his arms I felt safe.  
Like my mother's arms before old age came and took away her mind to never land.  
I hadn't felt this way in a long time.  
Secure
Wanted
I held him tight.  
He didn't say anything.  Just stayed with me.  
And with that.  
I let out my first tear in years.

The most scary thing,  at least to me,  is being told you can't have kids.  
Now it is not like I wanted kids.  
But the thought of when my doctor told me so casually at a young age that I may never be able to, has always scared me.  
I wasn't that old.  Someone who never got my monthly at the age 16. And a doctor just bluntly tells me I am messed up.  
Now years later it still isn't fixed and I stay worried
That I will disappoint someone I am with.  
People tell me that is it fine.  They were told the same thing.  
But it isn't fine!  I am not you!  And what happens if it is true.  
I am told by my friends that I am blessed.  To never really get a monthly or to get it every few months.  It isn't lucky.  My bones are brittle and I always have a nagging feeling that I will disappoint my partner.  But I won't say anything.  It is too soon for that.  But at some point he will click two and two together.  He is very smart after all.

One guy opened up fully to my class on how he struggled with suicide and depression.
Said how he thought and even had the strength to say it. It was insane on how he could open up like that.
he had the strength i never did and never will.
i wish i could say how i was struggling but i am not like him
and i find my comfort in hiding.

Why am I writing about you again?  
Maybe it is because I can't get you out of my mind.  
The way you look at me
Maybe it is because of how you confuse me.  
You treat me like a treasure and take me places I have never been.  
But you make me feel bad for speaking
Like I am stupid or something.  
But I really like you and I hate how it breaks me but I don't say anything.  
I just keep laughing.  
Like the dumb ignorant person I am.

I am writing about you again.  
This time it is because I hate who I am.  I just wish you could like one thing about me.  Sorry I talk too much or talk to loud.  Sorry I laugh weird.  Sorry I walk weird or trip around.  I hating having to watch what I say and do 24/7 because I don't want to upset you.  

I am writing about you.  
Because I love you.

She dazed off every few minutes in a dead stare then would turn and smile when customers came near.  
"How are you" They would say.  
"Just fine.  It is a beautiful day. " She said with a smile on her face but not her eyes.  
She had gotten good at faking it.  That everything was alright.  But when they walked away the smile faded into deep thoughts.  No one knew her issues.  And neither did I.  I was just watching her.  Watching the girl with green eyes.  Act like she was just fine.

Images play faster then the sky
On the child's face
Age of almost 5
It was so easy to get lost in the screen.  
The child didn't even notice scenes change or where they were even going
It was easier then dealing with a crying child.  
So they handed the screen to the child of just 5.
So they didn't have to be the parents that they signed up for.

Separated by a wall
No talking to each other
Won't open their heart to the other
Walls built from the heart break of others.  
Wishes said and never answered
Just for some communication and not so many secrets
They won't open their heart to me.  
And it hurts to know they are hiding things
But I am nice and I am trustworthy.  
No jealously will come from me
So games begin of pretending to not notice
As my walls have fell down
But theirs have not
I wish on a star for their walls to fall down
Cause even when we are touching
It feels like touching nothing.

She sat on her throne of skulls
Of all the people she had broke before
She lured with her hand of sweet and vile lips of red
Her song led you to your death
So she could live a year more.

Her beauty was like no other
Like a rose just in bloom
But like roses he clipped her for a decoration in his room
She was like a doll, more like a puppet
Said only what pleased him for he held the strings that controlled her
But like old toys he threw her to the side for another
He bleached her dry of her innocence and self
So she threw herself off the roof to end her life as well.

I hope someday someone lost will read what I have to say,
What I have felt,
What I went through,
So that they don't have to feel so alone

I want to be the reason someone smiles when they have no reason too
To be the hope someone has when they wake up.  

I don't want to make a huge difference
I just hope some people will remember me.

I cut again after a steak of months with nothing
I guess I finally felt nothing
Because the cuts didn't even hurt
And I didn't regret them
So I cut again
But I will never tell anyone
Cause what is the point
No one can help me if I can't even help myself.

Secrets, Secrets under my skin
And you act like you know where I have been
Lies, lies you think your right
But you can tell your lies with all your might
No one will believe you because you lie through the night.
Rumors, Rumors about what I may have did.
Everyone believes them and it spreads like sins
Secrets, secrets tell me what you said
For everyone believes I messed with him when I never did
Liar, Liar you know what you did
Don't act all innocent for what you said.
Karma will get you in the end
You are too full of sin.

Back up and take a breath
Who are you pretending to be?
Someone who is loved by everyone when you cant even stand yourself
Your happiness matters and you are allowed to feel things
Go and cry
Don't be afraid and have to hide
You are human and no one has it worse than others
You are not selfish for wanting to cry for wanting to leave.
Let it all out

Back up and take a breath
You don't have to please everyone
Who only matters is yourself.
So go ahead and cry.
And say how you feel
Because no ones opinion matters.
No one else.

"I'll keep you my ***** little secret. "
-The All-American Rejects.  2009

He is my ***** little secret.  But the best secret for me.  

Born to a mother with no father in sight.  
But my mother is everything I will need with my life

People are mean but kids are meaner
Taught me that love isn't worth it either.  
Made fun of you no matter what you wore
And no matter what you did

Dropping out of school seemed so easy
But I had to stay cause I liked making my family happy

Growing up was tough with barely any money.
But to everyone I seemed pretty okay
Years go by and I am still trying to find myself
But through the thorns those kids planted
It is hard to find anything but harm and hatred.  

Working crazy hours
Working crazy days.  
Only to find that it doesn't satisfy anything
Living each moment
Living each day
At some point I will be happy
All I have to do is wait.

Sensitive mind to all the pain.  
Words dig in like knifes and leave my body to bleed
Tears flow like evening rain
Never to stop
I never asked to become sensitive to words you say.  
But I never asked for you to bully me this way.  
Pushed this way and that.  
And used as a mat.  
I can only take so many wounds to myself.  
From your words.  
And how you treat me.  
Before I break into a million prices.  
And no one can ever fix me.

"You are so dumb."
"*** is that!  Fix it right now!!!!"
"Where the **** did your mind go???"
"And I though you were smart."
"I am YOUR boss so you do what I say"
"I can fire you on the spot right now!"

"It is just Constructive Criticism. Don't be so hurt"

If it is constructive then why do you use it to break me down?

He wouldn't message her back
And she couldn't figure out why.  
She stayed up late going over why he didn't.  
Maybe it was because she talked too much
Or maybe she didn't talk enough
Maybe it was because she was ugly to him
Or maybe she just had a nasty personality
Maybe it was because he just never liked her after all

She stayed up thinking about all the things that could be wrong with her.  
But maybe there was something wrong with him
If he doesn't want to talk then fine.  
She doesn't have to change herself for someone and she doesn't have to play the waiting game to catch someone who will never care about her.  
The one who is perfect for you will be someone where you never have to question what they like about you.  
Because they will like it all.  As it comes.

People work for the money
Work to support others.  
But all I have ever wanted was a bit of happiness

People go to college for the money it may bring
People go for a job it promises
We do things for the promise that money brings happiness.  

I don't care about the money.  
I don't care about the job.  
I just want a bit of happiness that may come along
Money only brings security and will only leave you empty.  

People work for money
For the promise of happiness
But money doesn't give you anything
But an endless emptiness.

It is a crush
Nothing much more than a few words said.  
Just a crush on a boy with a head full of blond hair
Tall and handsome
With beautiful green eyes.  
Just a crush.  He doesn't know it though since I always hide how I feel.  
Just a crush.  
I haven't felt this in a long time.  Since my heart was broken by the last guy.  
Just a crush on a guy.  Who may never like me back.

I was young. A girl of just 13 when my life was taken away from me.
He was a leader to me and someone I trusted deeply. But when doors were closed and rooms were dark, he was a demon.
He took little pieces of me away. My sanity, my trust, my everything.
No one knew what he was doing but neither did I. I was young and naive. Always trusting someone.
All I could do was feel trapped as he touched my innocent tiny body. Touched all the parts that he shouldn't have. Parts that were mine and mine only.
I felt trapped and suffocated over the months it accured. I felt more and more disturbed and felt like this wasn't right.
My mother told me to say out loud if things like this happened.
But I couldn't.
I would disappoint her. So I lashed out at him. It was sudden anger and trapping myself in my room for him to stay away. Countless knifes littered my room if he ever forced himself on me.
That little girl disappeared with his hands.
And to this day he is still in the family. The demon I am forced to consider my father.
No one knows.
Not that I would ever tell them.

It is has been a bit since I have smiled
It has been a while since I gave a ****.
Been putting off everything saying it can wait.
But the longer I wait the more full my plate becomes.
Overdue papers and failing grades
But I can't come up with a single reason to care.

My job is stupid and always stressful. Working long hours everyday and I can't find a reason to work anymore.
Hating my job and hating me.

Cuts on my legs like a tictactoe board and it doesn't worry me.
Nothing does anymore.

It has been a while since I have smiled.
It has been a while since I have enjoyed my existence.

Finally free from the walls I built up around me.
I dont know what made me build them. Maybe it was to feel safe.
Maybe it was all the promises that they made.
That I would be happy, safe, and fine.
I built up the walls around me and put everyone around me on such a high status.
I had to be the perfect person. The person they would love me to be.
I am finally figuring out. That no matter how isolated I am. It will never make me happy.
That no matter how hard I try you can never be the perfect person
I am finally free. Or at least I am trying.
If you do not like me for me, that is fine but I will not try to be the person you want me to be.
Free yourself and be who you want to be.
Cause the only person to ever make you happy.
Is yourself.

It feels like a elementary crush.
Like no matter what
You will never like me back
You say you do
But she is always on your mind
And it hurts
But I keep crushing
And loving you
Even when I will never get it back.

Pain
That is all I can feel
I want to eat
But how can I when my mind tells me not too
That that food will make me fat.
So I look at it
Say I deserve the pain
I talk to people
But I keep thinking they are lying
That they are just trying to make me feel better

Pain
and I know it can **** me
I know the effects
I know what I am doing
And my brain says
That this will make me happy

Pain
and that is all there is
I want to stop it.
But who said I didn't deserve it.

You walked away
With my heart in your hands
Smirking at what you stole
I was on fire
Burning all over
It felt like when I placed my hand on a pan
The pan that burned me all over
Burned my soul
The kind of burn that would blister
I wanted the pain
I wanted to hurt
But I wanted you to be there
Not the one to cause me to burn

"If you love something,
Let it go."
That is what they say.
But it is so hard when it hurts
It feels like drowning but you can still breath
Barely but still breathing
It is like being crushed by every sin on your shoulders.
But you let him go.
And it doesn't stop hurting
Cause you loved him so ******* much
That when he left
He took your heart with him
"If you love something,
Let it go"
I let him go.
When I knew it would **** me.

The smell wraps its warm arms around you
Drags you down with promises of forever
His smell.
His touch.
He drags you down with sweet whispers
He wants you
Only you
The smell wraps around you
The smell of promises
The smell of him
As you slip on his jacket.
To go see him
When you know.
The jacket promises forever,
But he promises nothing

Hours
I spend it on my face
To make me love myself
Even when the person I show now is not even me.
Mascara
Foundation
Highlighter
Hide all my mistakes
Erase my flaws
Erase me
One stroke at a time
Hour by hour
I erase the girl I was
And replace her
With what everyone wants to see.
With time
I erase
Me.

Tick Tock
I can't help it

Tick Tock
I can't help that when I am alone
I see you with her

Tick Tock
All the seconds I see you kissing her
When you promised me
Forever

Tick Tock
I can't tell you how I feel
But the seconds keep going by.
And every second that goes by

Tick Tock
I feel like I never even had you to begin with

Tick Tock
You run off to her.
Because she keeps your bed warm at night

Tick Tock
You think I don't know

Tick Tock
But when you kiss me
When you hug me

Tick Tock
I know it isn't for me anymore
She won
I lost

Tick Tock
And now I have nothing
But empty sheets
And a gun
That promises sanity

Click

She loved him.
She loved him well.
But it was like playing cat and mouse
Cause no matter how hard she tried
He always had someone else.

I closed it all
My eyes
My mouth
I closed out everyone
I took a deep breath
And opened my heart
Made a wish
On one little star
I opened my eyes
Hoping it came true
But all I saw
Was one little star
And I was me
In a world where
Nothing you dreamed of ever came true.

Don't go in the basement
Don't sit in the dark
For what is down there
Is no horror film
They are real
You may see them skim past you
Fast and quick
Their bodies
Little shadows with tails
They are real
You may not see them
But you will hear them
Hear them fight
Hear them eat what little is there
There eyes glowing red in the dark
Because of your flashlight

Don't go in the basement
Don't wait in the dark
Cause when you hear them
When you see them
It may be too late

So don't go in the basement
This is no horror film
Cause they are real
And they are more than you can imagine.

The ACT
Filling out forms
Apply to colleges
     Not accepted
Apply again
     Not accepted
Keep your grades up
Your happiness doesn't matter as long as your GPA is high.
Work on homework
Don't tell anyone how you wanna die
Scholarships.
Graduation
Where do I go after that?
Keep your grades up.
You never need to smile
Because all that matters in life is that you have money.
Right?

I held you from afar
   But the words you said
      Cut deeper
         Than any knife ever would
             Until I bled
                 Far
            Far
     Far
         Down below
And you watched me die.

I am not living to make myself happy
I am living to make my parents happy.
All my choices are all for my parents
They have taken my life in their hands.
Molding me into something I never wanted to be
But maybe
If I do all they want and go to places I never wanted to go
They will finally love me...

I think you might be gay
But I accept you as you are
So if you ever come out
I will be here with open arms

Everything was dry
The ground rock hard as my shovel dug
The leaves around me wilting from the heat
It hasn't rained for weeks
But still I scrapped at the ground
Making my hole bigger and bigger
I remembered how your hands would touch me
How you were fake when people were looking
How behind closed doors you were the monster
That everyone thought was make believe
From age six til now you were there
Turning everything I was into a nightmare.
I kept digging
You stunk beside me
A stink that would make people cringe
To me I was used to it.
My shovel scrapped loudly on rocks beside my blue house
Just big enough
The hole was
You fell in with a thump
But I knew no one would help you get out
As shovel upon shovel fell on you
I thought about how you would be remembered
With the last shovel full
I thought
You will be remembered as the man who went missing.

Each note
Rang into my brain
Making everything feel
B l u r r y
Each song you played
Meant more in the words you sang
So I listened
Knowing they were sang for a girl
Who wasn't
M e

The sickness
I purged you out
Like a demon
Finger down my throat
Feeling like a sinner
The toilet my only friend
In my moment of darkness
The demons inside
Screaming as I purged them out
The pain
But feeling great
The secrets hid of what I did
Feeling thinner but like a sinner
But a sinner I am
With a head full of demons
Telling me to purge again
Because I will never be thin enough
Ribs sticking out
I will never be thin enough
Until I am dead
And in the end
My demons will win
I already know this
But still I sin
Because I am a sinner
So here I will purge
Away the sin
Down the drain
Into pipes who hide my secrets
That no one knows

I am always sleepy
Never really breathing
Freaking out
When I see other sides of me
No one knows who I am
Never really seeing
That fake smile
Set so easy
Trips you up
Into believing
My eyes way to heavy
Never wanting to wake me
My dreams full of make believe
Leave me wanting more than anything
You only see me
Never really believe me
But sometime soon
You will notice
I am not who you think is me

She feels dead
But only in her head
They all know her fame
But not her shame
Wearing the heel
Peeled away the sanity she used to feel
No one sees her smile
She has been lost in her head for a while
Her body used
Always abused
Tight tiny dresses
Nothing on her body for guesses
Drugs to take
To try to make her feelings wake
People taking pictures when no one is looking
Trying to find sides of her no one is seeing
Her hair to her hips
Shiny to the tips
Leaving everyone breathless
It is expected since she can never be a mess
She walks the cat-walk
And talks the talk
Her model life is never easy
Always leaves her wanting to flee
But no one will ever see
That she wants to be free
So in her heels of pain
She has nothing to gain
Except fame

And then it disappeared
All my things I had said
Disappeared out of his head
Like steam off of the blacktop
Never to be found again