Don't confuse my kindness for forgiveness

I keep trying to refuse these feelings
But everytime I beg them to go away
They find new places to invade
The more I turn from them
The more they grow
The more I pull at them
The deeper they go
Like the roots of an ancient tree
They tangle deep inside my heart
So deep that I can't pull them out

Your lips may have grazed
But your hearts never touched

I remember a time back in elementary school when we would get golden stars for being good. Sometimes I feel like we are awarded with far too much, especially during childhood. However now that I am inching towards adulthood, I long for the acknowledgement and glory of those shimmering stickers. Some form of praise, a prize, a little bit of nostalgia.

I've learned to miss those golden stars.

Sometimes you need a praise. Sometimes you really need someone to say "You are doing great!" just so you can keep moving forward. Sometimes a bonus or good mark just doesn't cut it. I can't remember how I used to shine. I can't tell if I've lost the luster I once wore.

Sometimes you just need those golden stars.

If tomorrow I awoke in a hospital room
To be told I'd been in a coma for most of my life
I know I'd ask for five minutes more
Because this dream has left me
So tired, so exhausted
Even if its all just been a long sleep
It hasn't been long enough

If you need someone to hold you together let me be the vase to your beautiful bouquet

I want to be like a dandelion
Full of color and patience
Waiting for the day to come
Where I'm free to fly away

I remember how
    he used to say my name
    and it only ever sounded right
    when said by him
  
I remember how
    he used to say he loved me more
    than I loved him
    he wasn't ever ashamed or shy

I remember how
    it felt to be loved by him
    even if it was just a whim
    it didn't feel like it was pretend

I remember how
    since I never could forget-
     I will never love anyone else
    As much as I love him

Everyone loses their way
Lost in their chasmic minds
Lost in their bismol worlds
Lost in their abysmal emotions
Some find a light to guide their way
A melody; a sign; a feeling
Others search for a distraction
Someway to forget the failure and lose the guilt
But for me, Hermes guides my path
Like a soul into Hades,
He always brings me home
Back from my friendly worm named Loneliness
Back from my terrible sense of direction
Back from my endless attempts at self sabotage
He makes me see the truth; the reality; the destination

Everyone is all so full of deceit and corruption
Pleasing themselves by pleasing others
Becoming someone else to be above all others
Blinded by envy and seething with a jealous rage
They hold out their open hands to me
But he whispers in my ear
"It's all a lie"
And I keep my hand down by my side
And watch as they go to the next person
Holding their hands out just the same
And chaining the gullible fools with honeyed words and empty promises
Binding to them now like a contract over their souls
Enslaved to the whims of the corrupt

He has me dream of lands across the sea
Speaking a tongue that is not mother to me
I fall in love with these foreign things
The sights he sends me, the sounds, the smells
All the excitement of leaving to somewhere new
With no fear of the unknown, trusting only
In the path on which he guides me
I see it now, so far away
I reach my hand out and I feel it on my fingertips
I close my eyes and the words slip into my mind
With every phrase I learn, the freer I become
And I walk his path with knowledge I am safe

In meditation he guides me
On a starlit beach I find myself sinking my feet into the sand
Swiftly he approaches with a grin
He holds his hand out to me and I feel at ease
No strings or "you-owe-me's" await
And with winged feet he sends me back
Gently placing me in my body
And I awaken safe and sound

You know that feeling when you look up at the sky
The clouds, The sun
The stars, The moon
And in that moment there is no breathing room
Everything just feels so bizmol

Looking at the vast and wonderful world
The people, The places
The flora, The fauna
I lose my senses and sink into a defenseless thought
Like hey, why the hell am I so small?

I could be a millionare
I could be a movie star, a singer
I could be on every bilboard
But I'm not
I could be a beggar
I could be starving, homeless
I could be drowning in poverty
But I'm not

Yet I always want more
Than what life seems to have in store for me
This life so plain and simple
I hate it but I can't escape it
I try to shake it but it's impossible to do
When it simply won't let go and let me face my doom

You know that feeling when you cry yourself to sleep at night
The thoughts, The torture
The past, The future
And in that moment there is no breathing room
Everything just feels so bizmol

Looking at the vast and wonderful world
The sins, The judgment
The cruel, The demented
I lose my senses and sink into a defenseless thought
Like hey, why the hell am I so small?

I want to take your hand
walk together on the oceans shore till dusk
hike along the mountainside to see the sunrise
I don't want to be alone
So I'll take you with me where I go

I want to take your hand
But it's not there for me
All I have is the memory
I don't want to be alone
So i'll take it with me where I go

I want to turn back time
I'll make things right
till there's no sorrow left
I'll keep you captive in my dreams
When I slip away inside my head
I don't like to be alone
So i'll keep you right here by my side

I want to take your hand
But it's not there for me
All I have is make believe
I don't want to be alone
So I'll stay like this inside my mind

I'm like a hostage in my skin
All the feelings
If I keep them deep within
If I stay quiet like a doll
Will you take my hand
Will you stay like this by my side?

I don't want to be alone
So I'll treat my heart just like a stone
All I have are memories of false realities
I don't want to be alone
So I'll treat myself just like a stone

I feel captive, hostage, trapped and bound
Within the corners of my own mind
Deep within my skin

I feel like there  is no exit sign, no escape, no doors or windows
But I feel so free
Like I can be, do, see or say anything at all

I push everything aside
Tell my heart and mind that I don't feel a thing
I turn my senses off and I escape

I go where no one else can see
I know people I've never met
And I've been places no ones dreamt

But I  can't help it
I can't turn it off
I can't escape when I dissociate

I am a prisoner inside my mind
I've been hurt and this is how I cope
But I don't feel anything

I only feel the feelings of someone I am not
Someone I can never be
I have memories of someone foreign living in my skin

But I can't help it
I need to leave, pause, reset and breath
I can escape when I dissociate

Behind her eyes I can see
Inside her heart and in her soul
Her veins and all her bones
All are painted gold

You said I was a snowflake,
You told me that our love was rare and delicate.
But I've found that snowflakes collect together
Become dangerous and cause devastation–
A force of nature.
You told me love was like a snow flurry,
But ours was an avalanche.

You can't look for pride in someone else to find pride within yourself

A single intrusive thought
A nostalgic song
Any little thing that reminds me of how your words felt
When they caressed against my heart

I engraved each syllable in my mind
A permanent reminder of the love
That felt like sunlight through clouds;
Starlight through trees

All it takes is one little thing
And I am yours again

If love is a crime, her head will rest at the foot of the guillotine
If desire is wrong, her heart shall be ripped from her chest
If lust is unnatural, she shall be sunk back into the ocean

She dipped her feet into the waters on the docks
As she longingly watched the ships return to the land
The sailors back from adventures of somewhere grand

She watched as lovers embraced after months apart
She sighed with pride at her gift to humankind
Thought to herself, "Nothing is wrong, or am I blind?"

A shift in the wind, love in the air, and Aphrodite full of despair
Looked around with heavy eyes, searching for something wrong
Searching for the sin between the lovers lips and honeyed words

Aphrodite felt empty and cold, no love to warm her bones
She, the goddess of love, felt lonely and distanced from all
For she could simply see no wrong, no harm, no sin

**** her beauty, and **** their gazes
**** the gods for their judgement
**** them all for tainting love with lies

We all hide behind the glass cages of our mind
Through the transparent jail we keep the order

I long to shatter the glass with a perilous thought
Yet none so far have been quite strong enough

So I continue to hide deep inside
These parts of me where no one can find

I'm not so shy, you'd see
In the deepness of my mind

I'm not so great, so organized
My thoughts would show that I am disheveled, in utter disarray

There is chaos here within my brain
You'd never know as I conceal the calamity on the surface

All these things going on inside
I hide within a pre-payed smile

Be happy they say
As if its a command, a switch, a lever
So simple to them
They do not see
How intangible it is for us

The ones who refuse to pretend
To lie to ourselves
To lie to everyone

Be happy they say,
Be happy

When you were mine
I always saw specks of blue
In rivers, oceans, and spread across the sky
On butterfly wings, blue jay's, and flooding feilds of blue bonnets
Yes, within my lovers eyes that blue was mine

When you walked away
You took that color with you
And once again my world was monochrome
I thought I had found my colorwheel
But now I've found the spectrum to be larger than that pitiless hue

One day I will find
Someone who will make my world explode
With a kaleidoscope of all these colors that I've never known
As if their very breath gives life to such sights
And in my view they will stay, for this I'll get on my knees and pray

He was like an ambrosia flavored poison
Tastes so good but rots you from inside out

I don't claim to be the most beautiful for simply vanities sake
From my first breath of life I learned
That in this world my beauty is my worth
If I am not desirable, then I am nothing
I am beautiful because I have to be
Since that first breath of life
I was told that I was beauty, through and through
If I am not beautiful, then what am I?
What purpose would I serve?
If I am not the most beautiful, then have I lost my worth?
The diamonds on my skin
The blinding, dazzling layer of my shallow beauty
Hide the precious gemstones that cover my heart and run through my veins
For I am beauty, through and through

You are my sanctuary
I find shelter in your words
I feel safe in your embrace

You are my circus
I find mischief in your eyes
I feel out of control in your presence

You are my palace
I find elegance to your stride
I feel blown back by every room

You are my jewel
I find myself jealous of your beauty
I feel you sparkle with life

You are my everything and more
I find more reasons to love you ignite
I feel them spark with everyday

Your angelic words wrapped with demonic intent
Wont reach me from all the way up there
Your pedestal is too high, I'm afraid I can't hear a word you say
Your godlike vocabulary can't hide that devilish motive
And for as much as you lie, you are one awful liar
That angel light of yours can't blind me anymore
I have a special pair of sunglasses now
They block out all the repugnant **** from sight

Yes, I am a woman
We're forced to say it like a curse
Because the moment we are discovered
Evil eyes of all sorts gaze upon us, questioning and curious

Is she beautiful?
Is her skin like porcelain?
Her hair, is it soft like silk?
Do her eyes shine like the stars?
And her virtue above all else, is she pure?

Men compare us to treasure as if it's a compliment
Saying our eyes are like sapphires and emeralds
To them we are silk and gold
Nothing more than measurements of their wealth
It's as if they think we won't find out it's just another way to measure our worth,
As if they think we can't understand that it isn't a compliment, it's a currency

They don't see my warrior gaze
My impenetrable skin, thick with valor
They look at my hands and see a delicate doll
They don't see the way these delicate hands wrap around my bow
How my eyes are sharp and steady
No, they only see the innocent sparkle

They aren't looking for my capabilities
They seek value in my appearance alone
They are putting prices on me,
Comparing me to the latest trends
For what is my courage worth when I have such a beautiful face?

Yes, I am a woman
But I am a warrior first
See my battle scars, see my victories
See my strength and bravery
My honor, see it an recognize me

I am the protector of women
Not because they can't defend themselves
But because they shouldn't have to
I am the one who shows the truth
Who guides the moonlight into their veins
The one who takes away those sparkling lies
For before my eyes, no woman will bend to the whims of man

Justice will come when we take all the sweet innocent things and make them testify against their lies

He said he brought me a flower
I expected a rose, but he handed me a Dahlia
"Rose's aren't my type" he told me
In a garden of a hundred perfect flowers
He didn't choose some carbon-copy crimson petals
He saw in me what he didn't in them
He saw something unique, or as he put it
"Something promising a forever"

"You've stepped in ****"
              
              "Oh I know, but he's gone now"

Telling someone who was raised to believe something to be one way that it can be another, is like telling a fish in a fishbowl about the oceans and their creatures.

I crashed into love
My ship had been lost at sea
Map was torn to shreds
And my compass had mislead me
Lied to me and abandoned me
Brought me to the wrong island
To hell and back and back again
I was trapped there on that Purgatory Island
Afraid i'd never make it off at all
I escaped-
Returned back to my ship at sea

My anchor was lifted
I let the ocean carry me away
Simply drifting through
A torrent life
Aimlessly floating by
Island after island
Too afraid to land
Too afraid it would be
Another perdition in disguise

I closed my eyes after staring
So closely and longingly at the clouds
How they danced in the sky
A song of freedom and carelessness
While I was chained down to earth
My heart anchored in the lonely sea
I closed my eyes to escape reality
To for just one second
Feel as careless as the clouds in the sky

I let my ship be wrecked once more
By a tiny islet alone in the ocean
Such a hard ****
Such irreparable damage
From such a tiny island
I felt helpless
Distraught and terrified that
My carelessness brought me back
To that devilish island

I was shipwrecked by love
Afraid and alone
I had no clue what to do
Other than brave it out
And step once more
Onto a foreign land
A tiny island
Not even on a map
A tiny beautiful island
The more I let go of fear
The more I longed to see
The deeper into the heart I went
The less afraid I became
I didn't want to leave
And to this day I remain
Home on that Heaven Island

The sea no longer calls to me
No temptation on the horizon
No doubt on my tongue
The angelic land is home to me
Holds me in a devoted embrace
My Elysium hidden away
From erroneous judgement
A tiny islet in the sea
Yet home to a thousand Nirvana's
Just for me

My favorite season is autumn
It is a time where the old fades into the new
Cycles are ended and cycles prepare to begin

The weather is cool but not freezing
The sky isn't as bright, instead it is full of clouds
The stars always seem brighter in autumn

Especially when they are reflecting off your eyes

Sometimes I feel like I am just a supporting character
A sidekick in someone else's unfathomable destiny
Maybe that's why I am the poet, and not the muse

I’m sorry for every selfish thought I’ve had
But spending my time living in other people’s lies,
I thought I could at least dream
Of a place where the happiness was mine
But happiness isn’t just a fish that you can catch
It’s not for everyone to handle

I have nothing
All this gold
Silver
Jade
Ruby
All this diamond
Sapphire
Emerald
Garnet
All this amethyst
It is all nothing
Because I don't have you

I've been changing a lot these days. It feels like up until this point I was just a caterpillar, growing and eating. Absorbing information and understanding. But now I'm ready for the change. Ready to use all that I've learned and absorbed. I've weaved my cocoon and now I am ready to emerge from it's safety and isolation.

Today I leave behind my chrysalis and embrace my life as a butterfly.

Don't fall in love with an actor
All they want to do is play the leading role in your heartbreak
They are just rehearsing for someone else while they fake their way in and out of your life
They steal the spotlight in your eyes and take all the credit they can carry
They treat love like an audition
Then they run away like you're Macbeth and let their ego swallow you whole

I'm not good with hello's or goodbyes
because when you are someone as invisible
as a whisper on the wind
as the atoms in our skin
or a melody trapped within
there's no one waiting to greet you
and no one there to leave you

I'm just a cellophane wrapped scream
waiting to be heard,
waiting to be seen

My heart yearns for a thousand butterflies to be released from this cage that was meant for
A single demure bird

It's chained to the bottom of a twisted, lonely, teneberous abyss
As it is trapped inside
A single crooked verse

When it should be soaring high above singing songs of a thousand lovers love, instead here it sits
A single broken part

There's something clawing from deep within
Telling you, telling me, telling them, telling everyone they are nothing
That this world is only temporary

And sometimes it's so hard to push it to the back of your mind
Your thoughts implode
And suddenly you are nothing

Sitting silent unemotive in a temporary existence
You find yourself craving something beyond sadness
Wanting for a way out of the hell that holds you in

And you cry out pleading for a different fate
Tormented tongues of a liars honest plead
Heeded only when the innocent turn black with hate

Victim to the holy cross
You're never gonna be free
Go ahead get on your knees and pray
For a God that doesn’t see
Take your faith and seal it away
You're never gonna be free
They like to watch you bleed

A cruor never gets to breathe
Take your tears seal them away

"Till death do us part"
I refuse to say this when I am wed
because love does not have an expiration date
I hope that long after I die
you will still look back and remember
how deeply we loved
If you die before me
I will love you into my next life

Till death do we meet again,
to renew our love and fall once more

I know you're busy trying to find yourself
Through nicotine and diet pills
I was just curious and thinking
Do you ever stop to wonder
If it's enough to just be the you that you are?
Do you ever stop to consider
If it's worth losing the you that's already there?

So call me when you get back
From the hell you're putting yourself through
When you choose me over all the worthless addictions you destroy yourself with
Call me when you get back
From all the nightmares you've made come true

Tell me who's been by your side
Through all of what life has thrown at you?
Can your cigarettes wipe away your tears?
Do those drugs make you feel so pretty
That you don't even need me?
You say that it's none of my concern
That just sounds like an excuse
What you need is a hard knock back into reality

Do you believe I will just ignore
All the brand new cuts, bruises, and burns?
Do you think I'll sit still while you tear yourself down?
I know you lie when you say you need to save yourself your way
Doing things your way looks like a hazard sign to me

I'm scared of what you have become
I'm scared of what you will do to yourself
I feel like I can't take my eyes off of you
Or you'll just disappear
I’m so mad at you for making me be so disappointed
In the person who I looked up to the most
Without any regard for those who love you
Choosing ephemeral means of feeling over the shoulders that we offer

Call me when you wake up tell me why you're upset
I want to be there for you
You know that I am someone you can come to
Call me when you need me
I promise I'll pick up immediately
Know that I know that you are scared
So call me when you're ready
I promise I'll be there

There is an uncomfortable stillness in my mind
When my eyes you bind
You've attached them to you
As if you tied a knot between us
I frantically try to unravel all the tangles
I get so mad when wherever I go there you are
When I turn a corner
When I enter a room
Anywhere my thoughts may bloom
You are always in the way

You prevent me from all the things I want to say
My limbs are numbed and I can't move
You are to blame for this humiliation
How dare you make me feel this way?
You no longer deserve this power over me
So I revoke your control and take back my will
Instead of removing myself by untangling the mess you've made
I'll snip the strings that trap me
Free at last from that fraying pain
I'll leave you to tangle up in those strings like chains of shame

With every touch you turn more and more of me into treasured gold

People constantly compare love to rollercoasters
Many say it's because both have their ups and downs
What some don't realize is that rollercoasters do far more than just go up and down

There are twists, swirls, leaps, and loops
There are tunnels and pauses
There are tears, screams, laughter,
suspense, and joy

When it's finally over there's a feeling as if your organs have been flipped and jostled around
Yet still you come back for more
Thats what love is like

It's sickening and terrifying while at the same time it's liberating and exciting
Thats what it means to love like a rollercoaster
It means having your ups and downs as well as twists, turns, leaps, and loops

Behind his gentle eyes he hides a million thunderstorms crashing against, begging to be set free
Every morning there is a sunrise in her eyes, ignited by the fire she conceals inside

Each new discovery is another adrenaline rush
Finding out more about the other produces more epinephrine than a million coasters could muster
There is more to them than leaps and loops

They are untouchable by the hands of time
Tied together by the strings of fate
They are tangled in redemancy for each other and their world

Her love is thick and deep
His heart is pure and rare
She loves with her whole being
He loves with eternity,
Perpetual and without falter

A love without fear or hesitation
A love so strong it feels like crashing
Painful yet soft
It's like being stabbed
Piercing, sharp, painful, and throbbing
Feeling everything and nothing all at once
What I wouldn't give for a love like that

You're still like drugs to me
I think I'm sober
Then I hear your voice again
A hit and I'm hooked
A hit and I need another
And another and another
You're an addiction
That I can't get clean from
No matter how many times
I wash my hand of you
Something always lingers