The stars are plenty in the sky
Some reason when they’re gone I can’t help but cry
The beauty is inescapable
Yet some days it’s trapped in a distant bubble
I can’t see their twinkle tonight and it kills me
Normally their radiance fills me
But even the moon is now shrouded from worldly view
The sky seems empty with no stars, not even a few
I count the days since I last saw my light
Whether from the cold dark pavement or the highest height
I miss the constellations that made me smile
I haven’t felt that joy in quite a while
I miss the celestial bodies on the dark flat sheet
I miss watching them shimmer as I listen to my heartbeat
Please return to me my Starry Night sky
My iridescent view don’t pass me by

Tonight I feel alone
My run was awful and I cracked my phone
The moon blinds me as it’s magnificence magnifies through my tears
The stars in multitude represent my fears
I feel a great melancholy
An untapped sorrow that feeds into my folly
I weep tonight not to a nameless god
But to the bathroom mirror which shows a reflection so flawed
Tonight I sleep alone
Hushing cries and gasps for empty air
I tug at my blanket and pull at my hair
The pain has become too much
My mental state has become a physically crutch
There is no more than a vast empty space
A lonely desolate place
Scaring me even in my sleep
As in my pillow I continue to weep
Tonight I write to no one
For that’s all I have left when I am done

I feel the sunlight on my face
And it reminds me of your warm embrace
The one for which I long
When I’m weak it makes me strong
It was sad to watch you walk away
But I know we’ll make it back together some day
You don’t believe my words
How many times have I said it? Is it the second? Or the twenty-third?
I love you without earthly notion
You fill me with a variety of emotion
And I will always feel love for you and us
Love far deeper than lust
Imagine our island in the sky
On a single cloud floating by

We will make it there,
I swear

Here I am laying, filling my head
At 3 A.M rerunning every word I have said
I suppose my tears are the blood from my soul
Happy or sad it overflows out of me and I can’t seem to feel whole
I don’t want to die anymore because things aren’t too bad
But I’m tired constantly and I miss my mom and dad
That’s the thing about being an adult
You make the tough decisions yourself and if they’re wrong it’s your fault
You choose right from wrong and no one is there to tell you otherwise
No one is there to catch you in your lies or wipe the stream of tears from your eyes
Momma isn’t there to hold your hair when you *****
Daddy isn’t there to point to the sky at the comets
It’s more like a hollow and dark lonely place
Days feel like years yet weeks seem to race
I suppose we take for granted our youthful state
We don’t know what we have until it’s a little too late
I’d give anything to go back to a day before loans
Spend a day with my family before I wanted to become skin and bones
Give my brother a hug and tell him I care
Tell my father that the things he calls my mother are wrong and unfair
Play with my dog before the cancer took him away
Show up to work with enthusiasm as though it was my first day
See my town like I did through an adolescent lens
Bike through my neighborhood to the house that once was my friend’s
Run in the yard and climb that one crooked tree
Relive the trip to the forest that ended with bees
Laugh at myself when I fell off my bike
Not take myself so seriously and be willing to admit who’s right
Tell my sister “thank you” for yelling at me to not speak English
She kept me fluent and that was her wish
Go trick or treating from door to door
“Here’s some candy, would you like some more?”
My eyes fill with liquid nostalgia as they sparkle and close
My head bobs and nods as I catch it then doze
I miss the world before it got complex
Before I had to worry about what came next
I’d live for a day at the age of ten
Before things began to hurt and I was mistreated by men
I’d watch the stars with Jessica and talk about life
I’d give her a hug after a sleepover and get back on my bike
Pedaling home in the cool fall breeze
Everything was simpler back then and I took it for granted with ease
I wish to go back to a time almost half my life ago
I wake from my sleep to realize it can't be so

You were the bullet that punctured a hole

You were the pill I swallowed to die

You were the poison that played a key role

You were the glass I stuck in my eye

You were the noose that hung around my neck

You were the knife I ****** through my arm

You were the force that pushed me off the deck

You were the only thing that caused me this harm

You were my cause of death
You ripped from me my very last breath
Yet still I professed my love
I told you how I don't believe in a God above
Because he took you away
Not from this world but from my day to day
There is nothing for me to believe in
I suppose my life has been plagued with sin
Is that why He has forsaken me?
Cursed me and my progeny?
Let's be real, I won't have any.
I'll die alone before He'll have the chance
I'll one-step two with death as in "Hell" we dance

I do not wish to be dead
But I feel as though there's nothing left
You slipped through my fingers like water
And splashed to the ground like the blood of a lamb at the slaughter
I begged you please to stay here
But you decided to let go at almost our third year
I cried to you and was vulnerable
You sat there dry eyed, comfortable
What more can I say except I miss you
I hold on to your shirt and beg to kiss you
But with no success again I digress
A friend of mine called me today
Crying about her boy and I told her what to say
I stayed composed and showed no sorrow
I was at her side so she could live through till tomorrow
But what a hypocrite I must be
I stare at the metal against my pale skin in envy
I told her to hold her heart on her own
I insisted that no matter what she's never alone
I hung up 12 minutes later and burst into tears
I wish I could take away her pain and all of her fears
But could anyone say the same for my troubled soul?
Today is the day I broke and am no longer whole
I am trying to search for my broken pieces
Like the Shikon Jewel they're scattered and the distance increases
You are free from your obligations to me or my world
I'll lay in my bed hungry, tearful, and curled
No motivation I wake up just to sleep
My emotions are thick and their rivers run deep
You course through my veins like a potent pain killer
Or maybe like lidocaine acting just as a filler
The pain is still there but I can't feel it now
My body is numb and all feeling is gone, how?
I could get used to the feeling of emptiness
I could learn to like my hollowed out chest
Some are designed to be left all alone
People like me, these creatures of stone
I'd do it all again if you gave me the chance
I'd put my shattered heart back in your hands

My heart hurts
It fears for the worst
Knowing the end it near
The notes start with “dear...”

I'm sick and tired of every liar that crosses my path
Give me a break
And for your own sake take a wooden stake and drive it through your blood thirsty vampire heart
I know you like to see me bleed with each crooked deed I do for you and I fear that I’ll fall into your trap but I’m already wrapped up in those arms
The arms that I once called home
The arms that kept me safe in every place I went
The arms that bent my stick straight spine into a frayed piece of manipulated twine
Which time after time has formed my mind into a cynical beast that can do nothing but feast on the negatives it hears
While also being all ears to the positives that appear
I see the good in everyone except me yet how can it be that I shouldn't get that drink for free
I think so low of myself and my health suffers from it but I get offended when I'm rejected and another pretty doll faced girl is selected over me
You smile when I fall and crawl to your feet like a little puppy after being beat
I scamper and whine for a savior or something divine to intervene and help me find the green light out of here
But it’s dark with no color in sight despite the flicker of my imagination
I go back to fear because that’s all I know now and there are few emotions I can show so how will this work if you constantly irk the angry part of my lying brain
I'm going around round round insane
I'm literally going insane and it's vain for anyone to think they can tell me how to feel or how to heal because if you're not living this battle you have no say so on any given day I have a right to be sad and a right to be mad and if that makes you upset then my best bet would be that you should flee because I'm going to keep being me
I can't live my current life and I don't see any positive end in sight but I'm hanging on tight for you and those who care and even those who just sit blankly and stare
I see you
And you see me
But neither of us say a thing until we've passed
Then the whispers begin and yeah envy is a sin, but I wish I was like you
Normal and happy not constantly sappy waiting for another day to go by so I can pop my pill and get my mental fill for a few seconds before being empty
I'm numb when I'm on drugs and it's hard for me to find pleasure in even the lovely lightening bugs
I used to smile and chase them with bare hands and feet
Now I sit idle and my eyes follow them, glazed over in defeat
I feel like the thoughts seep from my brain and although it sounds lame I often find myself repeating, "What was I going to say?"
I forget how to hang onto a thought or a phrase and I can't even raise an insightful question anymore
I'm only part of me and who I used to be but it's better than constantly being angry
I take this medicine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Hoping one day it'll make me thinner yet I know deep inside that once again I have lied
To myself and my friends and that regardless in the end
No matter what I say there will be someone I offend
Because I'm rude and ruthless and wholly disrespectful
I'm a mess on two legs and dude to tell you the truth I'm a handful
I can barely handle myself or suppress my mean mental health
Oh well, but it ***** being told that you're kind of a bad person
But it's okay because everyone see's it and acknowledges it, so it must just be the way you are
Less than sub par and far from ideal I struggle with what to say and how to feel so it'd be better if I just stopped talking
Yeah, drop it all and stop talking

Then with all her strength
And all her might
She attempted again
To take her life

But to no avail
Again she failed

Your skin is so vibrant and I love it’s silky touch
Your eyes are more brilliant and I could never stare too much
Your neck is perfect in every single way
Your broad shoulders tempt me every single day
Your muscular chest makes me want to melt
Your body is perfection, appreciate the cards you’re dealt
Your waist is nice to hold and wrap my arms around
I could hold your hands forever or until I’m six feet underground
Your arms are like my armor when they hold my ribs so tight
Your legs are strong steel and ready to take flight
Your calves are pure perfection and admittedly I stare at them
The way your body’s molded makes me wonder then
About how you were made and why you are so great
I love each thing about you and can’t name a thing I hate
From head to toes you ******* away
I hope you see my love for you and decide you want to stay
I swear it’s not all physical but I wanted to say this
I want to compliment you but most opportunities I miss
So please know now that you are the complete package and spectacular
Right in my strike zone and every other vernacular
I can’t believe that you somehow chose me
You’ll never stop making me happy
If I concentrate hard enough I can imagine your scent
And when it disappears I wonder where it went
You make me feel safe and I understand I’m repetitive
But it’s primarily because this topic is quite sensitive
I don’t know how to say that I love you even more
I’d take a bullet for you and countries would go to war
It’s the little things in life that matter the most
The simple pleasures that don’t require you to boast
You remind me of the gentle whistle of the wind
Or the loose fall leaves that have ever so slightly thinned
You are the world and the sky and the land
I love you more than the ocean loves the granular sand

I miss my beam of sunshine tonight
My tears on the pillow reflect penetrating moonlight
Howling and wailing like a rabid creature
How did everything happen to break away so I could no longer reach for you
O’ my sunshine where did you go
My plagued dreams are now full of woe
I miss you more than the winter snow misses the land
The same way I miss the smooth touch of your hand
My days are dark without you around
I still wail to the moon like a lonesome hound
I fell for you harder than I should have allowed
Now instead it’s reversed and at your feet I have bowed

I used to feel stress as some others do
I’d cry and pout and usually eat the stress away
Gaining 5, 10, 15 pounds in the process
But at what point does stress become too much?

Phase 1- Normal
A little stress
But less than should cause concern
Take a quick pause and breath
Till you feel fully awake and ready to handle the whole deal that is worrying you
Eating pattern: Normal

Phase 2- Intermediate
More substantial stress
Quite the mess inside the mind
Especially in an unkind situation
Eat a little more than normal for the sake of taking away the thought of the problem
Make a list and stick to it to reduce the impact
Don’t place the fist to the wall yet
Eating pattern: Calories increased by 25-40%

Phase 3- High
Stress has reached its max
Like a leach ******* the life away
Mind trying to stray from the food or the situation
But somehow falling pray to both
Like a host for a parasite
Eating pattern: Compromised. Calories increased by 60-75%

Phase 4- Immense
Stress too high to handle comfortably
Functional human abilities begin to cease
Like a paralyzing disease
Lies like not feeling well begin to find their way into play through each and every day
Not only is the issue stressful but the thought of eating becomes impossible
Now more problems creep in with the deep dive swim of an eating disorder side show
Eating pattern: Crippling loss of appetite. Calories decreased by 90%

I digress to address the source of my stress
A world I thought I knew and had nothing left to do but ride the wind with my sweetheart
But things fall apart yet the world still spins and at the end of the day the side I’m fearful of wins
And now I’m alone and scared of what’s next I just sit here with empty stomach rumbles hoping for your text

A letter to a love that is not my own:

In the darkest nights I only saw your face. When I closed my eyes the images of you came flooding in and even though I tried to drown them with my tears they refused to go away. You could have been messaging me or ignoring me. It wouldn't have mattered, because I would miss you just the same. Miss everything about you. Like the times we'd walk past each other in close quarters and we'd barely touch, but we'd both look at each other and I would always apologize, because that's just who I am. Those moments were electric. Sometimes those would be the only words exchanged between us. Every second without you is a second wasted. Melodramatic? Maybe. But in my heart, deep down... No matter how long I have tried to deny it I know that I have strong feelings for you. Even if you don't care for me the same way, I will always feel this way towards you.
I'm the gambler. I give everything I have- play the cards when the odds are 1,000 to 1 or 1 to 1,000, I put my heart on the line and honestly, I would give you anything. I would do anything for you just to see you smile at me. I don't mean smile with your bright white teeth I mean really smile. The kind of smile that makes even your eyes seem alive. I saw that look from you once. Some time ago you looked at me and I knew. I knew that you would hold your breath around me like I do for you now. I would willingly hand you my soul, my heart, every last part of me and even if you crushed it all in your firm hands I wouldn't cry. I would just pick up the pieces and put them right back into your hands again because that way at least I would feel like I am with you. Do you ever notice the silence between us? Not the silence when you read my messages and don't respond, but the silence when we are in the same room? I hang onto every waking moment of that hoping that you will break the stalemate so that I don't have to. For you to end the solitude between us. 'Ya know,  I envy that glass of water that gets to kiss your sleepy lips each morning and that luminescent moon that you spill your heart out to each night, because I want that kind of closeness to you.
When you pray to God do I ever come up? Do you ever ask Him about me? Do you ever pray? Do I even cross your mind at all? I want a love so deep the ocean would be jealous, not a one way mirror where all I see is the reflection of a pathetic me who is mourning over the loss of a love that was never intended to be my own. I have contemplated telling you how I feel. Hell, I've even written it all down word for word ready to click that send button, but I'm not ready for it yet. I'm taking a risk writing this up as it is. If I had to tell you in person oh man trust me my voice would shake, crack, and I would stumble over words. I would feel as though 32 bits of glass had become my teeth and that they would break each and every time I tried to speak only so that I would choose my words even more carefully, but I would do it, because why spend your entire life wondering what could have been.
I can't call this love. It may be or may not be. Everyone has their own definition of it. Some think that love is two people spending their lives together watching sunrises or the star painted skies at night, others think it is waking up at 2 PM next to that special someone after a heck of night laughing at how both of your heads are pounding and how your ears are still ringing from the music. I've never been sure of what my definition of love is or how to even begin to rationalize such a strong feeling, but now I know.
My definition of love, is you.

Wisely, briefly, and truly,
Eleanor Sinclair

I wish I wish with all my heart
To be someone’s sacred art
But unlike legends and fairytales alike
It’s not so linear, it’s a hike

I wish I wish to be invisible
When I enter a room to be easily resistable
But for some reason I can’t attain that

I wish I wish for a quick easy death
To never breathe another breath
But I guess I’m just too scared to jump

When the lights dim and the music gets loud
I search for your face that I lost in the crowd
I sway back and fourth to the sound of the beat
My hips constant motion matches the rhythm of my feet
And I survey the dance floor looking for a suitor
But I know you’ll dance with me no matter what and not her
The music penetrates my soul and mind
You’re the only body I want to find
Pull me close and never let me go
Take me out to every late show
And I’ll dance with you from the night till the dawn
And we’ll never have a dull moment or the faintest yawn
We’ll party like it’s 1983
And at the fading of the music I’ll get to take you home with me
And if I’m lucky you’ll spend the night
We’ll wake up together from the sunbeams of light
And we’ll do it all over again
When we can
Because honey your body pressed up again mine
Is nothing short of blissful, divine
And feeling your heat radiate through me
Is better than a sedative or a tranquilizer at subduing me
I call your name in my head in the club
In anticipation of seeing you my thoughts blow up
And I can’t wait till our eyes meet once more
I knew I wanted you the moment you walked through that door
Dance with me under the moon and the sun
Come on baby, the night is still young

Tonight I took a risk
And once again sliced my wrists
But instead of five I did ten
And little blood came out when
I pressed a little harder
And the blade cut a little farther
I looked like a tiger with it’s stripes
And I’m willing to face all the gripes
You’ll probably leave me when you see my scars
Because you’ll realize all the harm
It stings a little but still feels good
You didn’t understand and you never would
You can’t handle a basket case
To you I’m just a waste
Let’s see how they look tomorrow
Because tonight they filled me with sorrow
They didn’t bleed like I’d hope
Maybe next time I’ll try the rope
I’m a ***** up and don’t deserve life
I argue with myself about what to do and with which knife
I lay here now wrists stinging
The sandman with sleep he’s bringing
I’m upset at myself more than you are at me
So don’t yell or use harsh words during your plea
I’m sorry for what I’ve done
There is nothing more I can do, none
Maybe it’s more than ten
I stopped counting around then
You’ll leave me tomorrow I know it
Whether or not I refuse to show it
The scars will still remain
And you’ll think of me with cruel disdain
Hate me for all I care
This heavy cross I’ll always bare
Give me another reason to hate my soul and body
Give me another bad habit to proclaim as a hobby
I’m an artist by nature and I paint with my blood
And when I’m done my sharp edged paint brush will drop with a thud
I don’t care anymore and I wish life was simpler
I suppose T.S Elliot was correct: this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper

Waves crashing and smashing into the rickety boat
Hardly staying afloat it cracks and snaps under the pressure that wraps around it
Spinning swirling and twirling the water fills every crevice and nook
From the most overt cabinet down to the rustiest hook
The stormy outlook brings dread
And in his head he thinks of the waves that could leave him dead
Losing all control he can’t grab a hold of the wheel or the rope that could keep him remotely safe or help him cope with the lack of balance
It’s all done
As the sea swallows him like it does the morning sun

A question for my future self:
Am I happy?
Do I have insurmountable wealth?
A concern from my past self:
Do I still use my body to show the boys I’m pretty?
Is my potential for the future just collecting dust on a shelf?
I wrote a letter in seventh grade to my tenth grade self
I asked, blatantly, “pourquoi est-ce que to habites?”
That means “why do you live?”
And I sat and wondered while reading that in twelfth grade:
“What can I possibly give? Five years ago I didn’t know why I live and still I falter with the thought.”
I’ve been told time and time again that I’m wasting what I have
Not my materials or rights
My ability to stab through the thickest situations and rise to the top
I’ve been told that my potential has been wasted
I’m worried that me right now will be the same in ten years as though it has just been copied and pasted
Life goes on in a conveyor belt fashion
You step off when you get where you need to go
But some of us stand still and go in the same circle never taking action or developing a passion to get from point A to point B
I fear I may never step off my conveyor
It’s hard to see the world objectively when clearly everything is subjective
I’m conveying to you, future self, that I think your belt is broken and you’re stuck in one place
You physically stand still
While your mind wanders space
And you think you’re advancing and in life moving forward
But you’re stationary and you can’t see it now, but take my word for it
I want you to open your eyes and see past your useless tears
You’ve had all the time in the world to make changes, you’ve had so many years!
So why is it that you have yet to adjust the system?
Future self, are you listening? Get off the conveyor and start walking, because no one is there to fix them!
Don’t expect help from anyone in your circle
They stick around for a little but are ultimately a hurdle
There is no one to trust but you, future friend
If you need to reach out to anyone
Ask yourself, a hand I’m sure you’ll lend
I doubt you want to see yourself fail
You might as well then get your coffin and count each nail
Because everything in life is different in perspective
Can you see now that you somewhat feel respected?
I worry about you more than I should
But I worry just enough
To the point where it’s good
Hey, can we strike a deal, future me?
Give it four years
And if by then you can’t see,
Then the world doesn’t need you and you’re better off alone,
But if you see what I mean then enjoy your new home
Your body is the dwelling that you seek shelter in
I hope that day comes when you love your own skin
When your eyes shimmer with glee at the sight of your image
Not at all like Narcissus, but you understand the little pilgrimage I’m talking about
So one last comment to you, my soon to be friend
Always trust yourself and your judgement, don’t bend
Don’t let others walk over you like a doormat
Command your presence like a homerun swinging bat
Silence the room when you walk in to speak
Understand your self worth and the benefits, you’ll reap
I’m happy to have the pleasure of meeting you one day
I’ll likely be nervous and not know what to say
Because for how powerful and wonderful and mystifying you’ll be
God I hope one day what I want to see will be me

I love your eyes and the way they meet mine
I love your lips and their taste of cherry wine

I need your touch like I need air
I need your smile I can’t help but stare

I feel the warmth of your presence
I feel the envy of your effervescence

I beg to be by your side
I beg to be your guide

I see a bit of us in everything I do
I see a world I’d love to explore with you

I hear your voice in my soundest sleep
I hear your laugh in my mind so deep

I smell your deodorant on the clothes I wear
I smell your scent lingering in the air

I can’t live without you here
I can’t live alone in fear

I miss your lovely eyes too much
I miss your sizzling electric touch

I need you to be mine
I need you to make me fine

I am happy when you’re around
I am happy when you’re safe and sound

I think of you in my waking hours
I think of you through the sweet and sours

I hope one day you can see my love
I hope one day we can meet above

As the rusty metal slides across my vein
I can’t help but cry out in pain
Not the pain of the sharp *******
The pain of my mental deviation
The red beads don’t pile up like they once did
I don’t hurt myself the same way I did as kid
Now I have more finesse and poise
I make art out of my injuries and treat my blades like toys
They itch after they bleed but it serves as a reminder
Yet to my destructive nature I’m just a little bit blinder
With each minor slice and crimson lined splice
I attempt to soothe my inflamed skin with cold ice
Always scarring even the smallest ones count
No matter if it’s a scratch or a **** in any amount
I choose to bleed and hurt myself
I hide them with hairbands in optimal stealth
I deserve the pain I inflict on my arm
There isn’t a day where I don’t think of self harm
Age has no impact when you’re willing to die
You don’t outgrow these tendencies and if you think you can that’s a lie
It haunts you when you’re awake and even more when you sleep
You count the cuts on your wrists instead of counting white fluffy sheep
Stripped of my childhood I was taken too early
Twelve years old when I started down this path surely
Not knowing how my life would have changed
Not understanding how my thoughts would become so deranged
I look at my scars and I smile inside
I remember every event because with each one part of me died
Six years later I’m still learning to cope
I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I do my best to hope
Because although it’s not visible that doesn’t mean it isn’t there
It’s like the sun caressing your face or the wind brushing your hair
Maybe one day I’ll make it out of this abyss
But for now I’m stuck with death’s kiss on my wrists

There’s no price tag on our friendship
Your skin is covered in gold that drips
Like dew off the morning flowers
The reflection of honey glistening off your body for hours
I yearn for the sweet taste of your lips
And your stern yet tender hands on my hips
Pulling my ribs closer to yours
Like a waterfall my love pours
Into a half empty glass
You’ve been plagued by your past
But I’m working to make you whole again
No matter how long it takes or when
You’ll always be my friend
Whether this love song comes to a bitter end
Or we prosper into a new tomorrow
I will relieve you of all your sorrow
Change your situation
Elevate your mental station
We were made to be
You and me
What do you say?
No matter what I’m here to stay
Traveling through life
Together beating the former strife
It can all start fresh for us
Re-spark our youthful lust
We are a quintessential dream team
I’ll light up your darkest nights like a sunbeam
Holding your hand or your heart
With your head on my chest we will never be apart
Dancing throughout the bedroom
To the songs that around us loom
Be mine forever please
And I’ll be yours with ease
You make me shine like the midday sun
And bring me comfort like the ocean breeze

Another anger filled screaming match transpired today
He wonders if I'm serious about running away
I'd sail all seven seas to rid myself of the cries and the pleas that haunt my waking dreams
Although I'm dramatic
And often problematic
I somehow use my words to my advantage
In order to manage the situation
I mold you like clay
Hoping that one day you'll love me the same way I love you
But it's not true
I'm just lying to myself and protecting my mental health before breaking down
and falling to the ground
Crying and yelling my eyes are swelling with tears of the pain I've felt all these years
And our happy times out weigh the sad but when will the good days out number the bad?
I'm struggling to find my place in your no vacancy heart
I try to express myself to you through this art
But somehow the words slip through the cracks and roll like water off a ducks back
In one ear out the other
I wonder how my words don't completely smother you
And I do what I can so I craft every plan but they fall apart eventually
I don't know who you and I are meant to be but I worry
I can't understand whether you reach out your hand to hold me or hit me
Your words always bit me in a way that couldn't be healed
With each little fight your motives are revealed and I wonder how long you'll put up with me
The soot from our erupting explosive endless fights keeps me coughing in pain and lungs burning each night
Help me to see what I'm doing wrong
Because it's clear I'm confused and taking too long to figure out what I want from all of this
Whether or not your presence is bliss
I need more time to figure you out because in the same moment I'm filled with self doubt
Give me a second to recollect my thoughts
I'm trying my hardest to reconnect the dots
I need to take a really deep breath
Before making a mistake and dancing with death

I'm hurting inside for the world we inhabit
We protest, burn flags, but ignore every homeless rabbit
When will we notice that we aren't the only ones fighting back?
That Nature is retaliating against us and planning to attack
We won't even give Her a voice
She has no choice and can't scream Her warnings and pleas
Soon we will be banding against not war but disease
What will it take for our nation to understand
Why can't we work as a planet and outstretch our hand
To rejuvenate the few salvageable pieces of land
Because what's the point of calling for change when we are losing our homes to our Mother's fists of rage
It brings me to tears and it breaks my lion heart because I can't come to grips with the extinction of our natural art
Law makers are seeing what we're doing with our signs and parades
Now it's time we understand Nature's game of charades
Because as the volcanoes erupt and tectonic plates shift
Our nations grows more divided with a widening rift
It's all we have left as a place to call home
Animals are going extinct and in a few years won't be known
Soon will the human race fall from the earth
And our daily phenomenon won't transpire like birth
We need to see what our own world is doing
With each passing day Her anger is brewing
We ripped Her to shreds and broke all Her limbs
Then we polluted Her waters with our oil seeking whims
We aren't looking with our eyes
We aren't heeding Her signs
When will the world stop being blind
Pick up the trash bags and leave the old ways behind

Walking on water like a melancholy messiah
I'm on top but I'm not standing I'm sinking and drowning and my constant frowning leaves people asking, "are you okay?"
I'm fine, so I just say
That I'm living the daily dream
While in my head I constantly scream at the top of my Limbic Lobe lungs
Lungs filled with the water I supposedly stand on
A Holy Baptism bubbling inside me
My reverse Rapture to a Heaven upside down
Down down down
Sieze it and bring it down like a crooked crown
A king crucifying his kingdom with his lack of wisdom
Educated but none the wiser
Penny pinching money miser
Minimizing the gravity of the situation
Brushing it off when someone says they need a vacation
I know my station in this dismal world but my lights are dimming and my eyes are skimming the white washed walls for a way to get out but there's no way out and I can't understand what it is about this dreary place that leaves me feeling so in pain
It's insane how no one believes the things you say
Because "that's just the sarcastic way kids talk now-a-days"
Actually no when I say it I mean it and you don't have to dream it to see it come true
I'm talking to you, don't you see that the water filling my chest cavity overflows out of my eyes and I mask it with lies like, "oh I think I have a branch in my eye. Or it's just allergies"
I'm on the edge of my metaphorical ledge
Being nudged closer and closer
I'm the composer of my own sorrowful symphony
I'm more of a poser a bulldozer and situation imposer
An impostor by nature
Growing giant and gaunt green leaves that are speckled with disease
The type that sway in the breeze and are pulled apart by the lightest touch
A touch of pure bliss your poisonous taste on my lips leaves me begging for a cure
Something crystal and pure to clear my tainted pallet
A liquid ballad hydrating my veins slipping down my throat like a garden snake or a cobra because the words that cleanse me are the ones that end me and I choke on the cacophony of your cream filled words and sugar dusted desires
None of which inspires me to do anything except destroy myself
I work to employ myself with time consuming tasks
And no one has to ask me twice to do anything
Because I'm just too nice and I guess that's the price you pay for demonstrating your Holy Christian vice
Let me give you some advice
Don't take anything from anyone
I don't mean things
I mean words and letters that tear you apart and put snags in your favourite sweaters
Each vowel repeating like an owl wondering who who who could be drowning me in my own freeing fountain
I've climbed every mountain to get where I am
I am who I am
Each consinent a consistent reminder of my internal inadequacy
The inadequacy you gave me
The way you made me
The concoction of cosmos you used to create me
But you wanted to add a touch of imperfection and with your clumsy omnipotent hands you dropped the bottle and it all poured into me
And I'm left here with a shattered mirror and a it couldn't be clearer that I'm not what you wanted me to be
"Abide in me and I in you"
But how can I abide in you when you aren't there for me
When you don't answer me
When you let the floods rage within me and you won't part the sea
Don't you see that the flowing water is slowly killing me
But it's you
Your eyes staring into mine but you're not really there
You're no longer part of me like you once were
You don't care
I don't call your name the way I once did
Where were you?
Where are you?
Where am I?
I plead to the sky
The empty barren sky and shriek at its white puffy ashes
The all encompassing vastness of a hollow place
Knock at the gates but no one is home
Did humans create God because they felt so alone?
I can't answer that question
And time in succession to me will struggle just as fondly with the vicious cycle of faith and faithless
To bathe in the endless curiosity
Spinning at a sickening velocity
Wondering where the Lord's generosity suddenly vanished
Like the king who was banished from his own castle
Biting from that forbidden apple
Begging for forgiveness
But nothing except silence rings through the air
Wondering where He could've gone
Only to stare and glare into empty space
I'm scared
Because every living thing dies alone
With nothing to remember them but thick slabs of stone
Nothing but a waste
I've been placed to face the void
Laced with the inability to erase the sins I'm paying for
Salivating for one more taste of that juicy core
Hoping to explore what might lie beyond that gilded door
I'll get back to you one day Lord and I'll even the score
So don't start a war because I'll be armed with my emotional Peace Corps
Leave your arms open and the light house beaming at your shore because I know I will see you again
And although I don't know when, I hope you'll accept me and ask where I've been

I can’t live without you
You are the comfort I thrive for in everything that I do
The low hum in my ears I fall asleep to
Calming me like a constant tick I strive to keep you coursing through each vein of mine
You soothe my skin like a summernight rain
Washing clean the muddy cuts and grass stained pain
Bringing me closer to the moon hanging by a thread
Like a lighthouse illuminating the shore you alleviate my dread
And you bring me back home to my warm little bed
Your chest is the only place I’d want my head to rest
Without it I’d never sleep again, though I’d try my very best
But there will come a day and time when
all of that will be gone
And I will sit alone humming our song
Wishing you were there with me, singing along
Wondering where my peace and comfort went
No matter how many unrequited letters I sent
I suppose you didn’t understand what the words I wrote meant
You were nowhere to be found when I needed you the most
Abandoning me in anguish but then about yourself you’d boast
You left me alone pleading for guidance from the Holy Ghost
And even he ignored me
He wouldn’t give me a sign to see
Was this how it was meant to be?
I pace and pander
Through harsh thoughts I meander
Once your love, now simply a bystander
Yet I still wonder where my comfort went
Like all of a sudden my perfectly placid emotions were bent
Leaving no place for the bubbling steam to vent
There was nothing I could do to retrieve my companion
You dropped me off here to abandon
Scorching my heart like a *** of boiling water to place my hand in
Once on cloud nine
Instead on nails equally as long and precisely more fine
Oh why couldn’t the Holy Ghost give me a sign

Quickly sweetly slipping into slumber
Heavy eyelids heavy legs made of lumber
Dreamy drowsy dripping with dreary views
Blurred bulbs and brilliant blues
Head on the pale plush pillow
Hair hanging over the warping edges like a weeping willow
Twitching tips of toes
Curling over the curbing cliff watching crows
One small step into a soaring sight
A frightening and freeing fancy flight
A dream state of wonder where worry is gone
Ending with a yearning early yawn
Half asleep half awake
Taking turns on a nightly break
Quiet quaint quintessence looming from your peaceful pause
Out of me my melancholy it mindfully and methodically draws
Bringing no more negative non-compliant thoughts
When I gaze into your gaping glorious eyes I'm blinded and see only dots
You embody the sun and emulate all its extraordinary and fleeting evanescence
I pry and pray to be graced with your playful presence
Illuminating my ever dimming once illustrious life
The vivid vision of you sharpens even the dullest knife

With my heart beating out of my breast
I press my fingers firmly into his chest
And I consider the world without him
There are days when we falter and I doubt him
But his everything draws me back in.

My scrambled thoughts are a jumbled mess
All I can do now is simply guess
But when will I know if he wants me?

He has such poise and brilliance
His smile alone is worth millions
I wonder how our story will end.

Will I vow to forever?
Or will I pull the lever
To swing at my emotional execution.

In a way I'm the tyrant
Although I act quite vibrant
Do you think he sees me in a spotlight?

Am I the center of his stage?
Or will I wilt away like a flower with age
Does he replace my water or toss me?

If he saw me the way I see myself
I'd worry more strongly for his mental health
Because to be in this inner asylum is a hell all in itself.

Pennhurst is childsplay compared to my mind
I try to turn my head away from his lies and act blind
But somehow my lenses see through his tricks.

I'm a shell of a person
Despite my aversion
And I know I have to deal with this turmoil eventually.

"Hey, it's okay
We'll get there one day"
He assures me through his brilliant *******.

I lay in bed and ponder
In thought my time I squander
What is best for me?

Burning inside is a fire worth harboring
A flame so high the sky feels it’s heat
No ray of sunlight could match the intensity of the girl radiating fire
In her wake wades destruction and suffering soon ensues

But the girl made of embers with flares of solar light lights up the dimmest days and dispels the darkest nights

So the lady with her bright red heart walked for miles and miles with no one beside her
She feared they had left because of her boiling touch and was worried her personality was a little too much
And the fire encapsulated all that drew near it
The cries of those harmed were inaudible for her to hear it
The crackling of her skin warmed the air and her feet charred the ground
She attempted to tiptoe but each step made volcanic sound

Soon she sat all alone, isolated, lost from home
Her penetrating tears absorbed oxygen as they hit the rubble
She cried and wondered why she was nothing but trouble

But a boy soon approached made of water and ice
Who got too close to the fire girl and by touching her paid the price
He screamed and part of his old self melted into puddles then to vapor
He realized he couldn’t live without her so he did his best to save her
He sacrificed it all
For this risky girl

She tried to push him away but his persistence was strong
She told him time after time that what he is doing was wrong
But this now glistening man grabbed for her hand
And the once dangerous girl breathed a sigh of relief
And her once grand flames became minuscule and brief
He held her as she whimpered and begged to be free
She missed her lonely flames but feared more what she’d be

An obsidian shell encased her from her head to her feet
She ruined the ice man and his life for eternity
She wanted to get close to him but he was scared and ran from her hurriedly

Unsure what to do she stood still quietly
Could a love ever burn for two opposing elements
Or are they always equipped for battle putting on there helmets

He stopped and looked back at the now cooling flame
He noticed her calm nature and thought she was tame

Scared to venture further she pulled back ever so slightly and he knew she was timid
The defenses were dropped and her walls all shattered
Her deep insecurity was left as everything else scattered

Walking to her slowly he extended his arm
Hoping she was unable to do any harm
He trusted her greatly and stood his ground stately

With two rapid blinks she looked in confusion
No one had ever kindled her flame and she wondered if it was all a delusion
Reluctantly she matched his gesture of love
And prayed that she wouldn’t mess this one up

So the two stood hand in hand at the edge of the chaos
They chose to walk the thin line between fantasy and reality
Letting nothing subdue them except the sheer force of gravity
Together these two beings
Although wildly different
Knew something drew them together
So they continued their journey not knowing the path
Not caring about the destination or finding a map
They knew as long as they had each other
That there was nothing they wouldn’t do to be by one another
Her less harmful flame merely simmered his heart
He kept her at bay despite the influence of her day
She always kept him warm and vowed never to let go
No matter if she was the hot summer day or he was the graceful winter snow

She hung by a thread to her sanity
Constantly staring in the mirror she realized her vanity
But if what they call her is "vain"
Then there must be more than one definition to that name
Because her sense of self is "skewed" and "inaccurate"
But to her it's all she knows and she's quite aspirant
Ready for change and to be a new version of herself
Hardly caring about her deteriorating health
Walking into the health club already exhausted
Not understanding how much it has costed
Not with money or credit but with physical wellbeing
Not heeding her body's warnings or in the mirror seeing
Her hair is thin and no longer growing in places
She compares her pale skin to the other people's faces
She puts ******* down her throat in the hope to purge up a candy bar
Convinced her calorie count was taken too far
Her nails chip far too easy
And the thought of eating makes her queezy
Yet the stress encompassing her life pushes her to binge
Hundreds into thousands the floodgates unhinge
Never for sustenance, always for taste
Each and every calorie is a ginormous waste
She collapsed on the Stairmill and in embarrassment and rage
Exited the gym floor as though it were left-center stage
With poise and a smile she laughed as they stared
She grabbed all her gear and left as they glared
When she got to the car she was nothing but angry
Pushing too hard her body sat blankly
Breathing was difficult and by speaking she was pained
Every ounce of her life force felt utterly drained
Her skin can no longer take the lack of nutrition
And her eyes are wavering as she tries to focus her vision
She used to be a student with straight A intent
But all she can think about is the next meal and its scent
Forgetting the most basic things about her day
She forgets how to write and takes a derivative the wrong way
People look puzzled as she waves off their concerns
While in her stomach and throat a deep hunger burns
She stares once again at her monstrous reflection
Grabbing and poking at her bulging midsection
Now huddled on the ground she stares at the ceiling
Entering a loose dreamy feeling
On the brink of unconsciousness she extends her hand skyward
Only then realizing that down to her soul she is tired

Language is a man made construct
Just like time which, I don’t know about you but it always leaves me ******
Yet how is it that a thing created by us
Can decide which words are fine and which are a cuss?
And how is it that this wide intricate system
Can spread hatred across nations but also instill wisdom?
I’m confused at the concept and why it’s misused
Some are enriched by it and others abused
Why do we sling racial slurs at our brothers
And shout things we wouldn’t dare say in front of our mothers
She’d slap you into next month if she heard the words coming from your mouth
I don’t blame her one bit it brings us back to the old south
It’s disgusting and vile
Each awful word should be held up on trial
Let’s rise up together and eliminate the feeling of being low
And let’s please band as a team and silence Jim Crow
Because no one deserves to feel like they’re less than human
No matter if you’re a CEO or a day and night crewman
I don’t get the point of wasting this gift
On the feeble minded idiots who think they’re so swift
But in reality they’re just ignorant and insolent fools
No more useful than broken and rusted garden tools
I’m not saying we should get rid of them
I’m just saying their presence is as about as appealing as phlegm
And I don’t know about you but I think that ****’s nasty
And I think our whole world needs to change beyond vastly
Because by not educating these people who think they’re hot ****
Our society grows more divided slow bit by bit
And before we know it we’re moving back in time
Regressing from our progress and adding more grime
To the already difficult world we live in
The ice that we tread on is getting quite thin
And I’m telling you it’s time for us to make a change
And if no one agrees then fine I’ll seem deranged
But I’m so sick and tired of the anger and violence
I hate the news and these killers who are crazy and tireless
You may think I’m getting political but that’s not my intent
On making a difference is where I’m hell bent
Think what you want and do just the same
But when your family is in danger then who will you blame?
You didn’t act for a cause or voice your opinion
Now you might as well be a follower or one of the mindless minions
Running around like a headless chicken
The moment it affects your life only then will you quicken
And it’s comical to me how the politicians they stammer
Because there lives aren’t in jeopardy yet still outside we clammer
And their doors are made of prejudice and history
Why it’s doomed to repeat itself is clearly no mystery
It’s happening now, don’t you see it taking place?
These high and mighty ******* are trying to save face
But come on we know what’s really going on
They expect us to hold hands and sing a peaceful song
But we won’t and we’re ****** and signs only get us so far
It makes me sad reading about another person plowed down by a car
Or this time was it a van?
What’s next? Will the people ask for a ban?
As I told you before I’m not getting political
It’s actually repulsive yet some think it’s trivial
We blame the things that people use to ****
The guns and the weapons that give them the thrill
But what about the other things that cause more death
Like cars and alcohol or even ******* ****
I’m sorry it doesn’t makes sense
I’m doing my best and hence
This obscure piece of writing was born
About sharing it with the world clearly I was torn
But I decided it would be worth it
And in the current situation might fit
Say what you want and still I’ll stay moderate
But if you use your words for evil
You better be ready to get hit and swallow back wads of your own ****** spit
Because no one is having a plate of what division is serving
Every single person on this earth is unique and deserving
And why we can’t all just love is a thought too beyond me
I hope for a world where our eyes open and see
I can’t even keep it all straight
All the incessant backlash and insurmountable hate
If you don’t use your words then what’s the point of our language
How about we use it for good and get rid of the anguish
I know this was long and thanks for bearing with my message
Now let’s all work together because I’ll be ****** if our generation is just another percentage

Tu es mon meilleur ami
Je suis très désolée
Mais je ne sais pas pourquoi tu aime moi
Peut être tu es soif pour quelque chose nouvelle
Peut être il est vrai, ton sentiments
Ton mots

Je m'en fiche du passé
Je sais que tu t'en fiche l'un ou l'autre
Mais je suis malade avec mes décisions

Pourquoi je suis le criminel
Pourquoi je suis coupable
Je ne devrais pas existe

Tu es très spectaculaire, génial, magnifique
Mais je ne peux pas continuer avec toi
Avec nous
Avec la planète
La terre n'est plus ma maison
Je n'appartiens pas ici

Je suis désolée
Très très très désolée
Mais il doit être fini

Au revoir mon meilleur ami
Mi amour
Mon amour pour toujours
Au revoir lune brilliant
Et toute ta beauté
Je aller me manquer ton façade

Je reviendrai
Pas bientôt
Mais éventuellement
Quand tu ne m'aimes pas plus
Et je peux être libre de moi

Mais rappelles toi
Je t'aime toujours
D'une autre façon

En amitiée,
Ton copine