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Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2019
My heart can’t take another moment
The beats are slowing
It has exploded
Eleanor Sinclair May 2018
With my heart beating out of my breast
I press my fingers firmly into his chest
And I consider the world without him
There are days when we falter and I doubt him
But his everything draws me back in.

My scrambled thoughts are a jumbled mess
All I can do now is simply guess
But when will I know if he wants me?

He has such poise and brilliance
His smile alone is worth millions
I wonder how our story will end.

Will I vow to forever?
Or will I pull the lever
To swing at my emotional execution.

In a way I'm the tyrant
Although I act quite vibrant
Do you think he sees me in a spotlight?

Am I the center of his stage?
Or will I wilt away like a flower with age
Does he replace my water or toss me?

If he saw me the way I see myself
I'd worry more strongly for his mental health
Because to be in this inner asylum is a hell all in itself.

Pennhurst is childsplay compared to my mind
I try to turn my head away from his lies and act blind
But somehow my lenses see through his tricks.

I'm a shell of a person
Despite my aversion
And I know I have to deal with this turmoil eventually.

"Hey, it's okay
We'll get there one day"
He assures me through his brilliant *******.

I lay in bed and ponder
In thought my time I squander
What is best for me?
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2018
Another year, now older
Am I wiser?
Perhaps, but surely bolder
What can I say
I feel more or less the same

The years float by, entrancing
But each no more enhancing
The reflection has no change
Yet my vision has less range
The wrinkles aren't yet there
And the grey has not attacked my hair
But somehow I feel aged
In my own mind encaged
I don't mind the sound of my years
For some it brings them to solemn tears
I find it sort of soothing
As evidence that life is moving

The time is comes and goes
When it will end, no one knows
But for now on earth it snows
And the howling wind still blows
Eleanor Sinclair Mar 2018
Dear inner writer,

The voices bouncing around my head are making me dizzy and the thought of doing anything except be idle makes me nauseous. I throw these words onto the paper, but do I even know what they really mean? What they’re really saying? Worn out and overused, I collapse in on myself.

People praise my scattered thoughts as though something new has been forged from the hellish flames of my fervent mind, yet I don’t see it. They say, “wow, that was beautiful,” but did they really feel that in their heart’s? A world without writing is a dark desolate nothingness and I can’t go back.

This earth is plagued with the unsightly forces of humanity. Stained by deceit and judgement, I look for an escape and if my only weapon to wield is my ballpoint sword and blank white shield, then I will be ready for battle.

“Everything carries me to you” - Pablo Neruda

I resented writing for a while and I griped about its effect. Why did it always make me feel the way I did? Why did it make me feel at all? I knew it was a part of me but I didn’t let myself understand that until further down the evermore complicated road.

Writing is the release valve on a pressurized pump. With each new word and phrase, the force dwindles and there is nothing more relieving. Like lifting the earth off from Atlas’ shoulders.

As I feel the sanity and solidity of this world slip through my fingers, I can’t seem to get a grip. Sometimes things are beyond what I can comprehend and there is no way around that.

“Raise your words, not voice. It is the rain that grows flowers, not the thunder” - Rumi

It carries an overwhelming affect and my heart can’t help, but overflow onto the paper. With the ink as my blood it splatters down on the page in sporadic fits of inspiration, like a mad man I scribble until the last “i’s” are dotted and the “t’s” are adequately crossed. One heavy sigh concludes the session and I know there is more to come soon.

The ability to create marks a triumph over all the evidence to the contrary. To live and to breathe is a foot all in itself. The odds are stacked against each and every one of us and existing is the greatest gift the universe could give us, so why not rejoice with the splendor of the written word and express ourselves in every way possible?

Never show your cards. The combinations you’ve been dealt are your own and to open yourself up fully is to reveal your hand. Writing allows me to shade my cards, but illuminate just enough to alleviate the ambient questions

“A heart’s a heavy burden” - Calcifer

It scares me, the intensity of my words and of the feelings within. There is no greater power than in emotion. Able to tear apart and build back up, its two-faced nature terrifies me, yet still I feel.

No two pieces of writing are the same and like snowflakes they fall all over the world, giving different meaning to each person who sees them.

“I closed my mouth and spoke to you in a hundred silent ways” - Rumi

I implore that you keep writing. I beg that you continue to bleed black and blue blood onto the pages of the world and prove to the society we inhabit that we are a force to be reckoned with and that no one and nothing will tear down our fortitude.

I enter into a new chapter of my life and I see that we have become one and the same, finally. I resented you for years, but now I embrace you with open arms and the wingspan of a soaring eagle.

“Happiness can only exist in acceptance” - George Orwell

You are me and I am you. Till the end of time we will be a team and I will never forget you. I will never leave you.

Never forsake yourself my friend and never doubt your ability. There is a world of wonder and understanding and I know you can do it. You will always write and you will always flourish. Nothing can tear you apart and nothing can pull you down. The universe is at your fingertips.

“Do not go gentle into that good night” - Dylan Thomas


Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2021
My heart skips a beat every time I see your face
I wonder if you can hear it, as it jumps in place
My chest gets tight and my blood starts to race

If I saw you walking down the street
As quickly as I could I would pick up my feet
I want to catch up, but know to retreat

There are words I hear and things I say
That remind me of you every single day
You helped my life turn to color from gray

Every message I receive on my phone
I hope and I pray that it is you alone
To feel that joy I had once known

I miss you more with every passing moment
You will always be my friend, never my opponent
But it will never be so again, and I know it
Eleanor Sinclair Sep 2018
You were my cause of death
You ripped from me my very last breath
Yet still I professed my love
I told you how I don't believe in a God above
Because he took you away
Not from this world but from my day to day
There is nothing for me to believe in
I suppose my life has been plagued with sin
Is that why He has forsaken me?
Cursed me and my progeny?
Let's be real, I won't have any.
I'll die alone before He'll have the chance
I'll one-step two with death as in "Hell" we dance
Eleanor Sinclair Feb 2016
The future holds
A story untold
Happy release
A love at least
Deep desire
Inside burns a fire
For a love so rich
To savor a kiss
Two lives forever
Joined through every endeavor
The future unknown
A happiness, grown
In the end it's the same
Through the sun or through rain
I love you now more than ever
We'll always be together
Stay by my side
And I'll never leave you behind
Love me, I pray
My shining ray
Your shimmering eyes
Look deep into mine
You're my start
and end
My love
and friend
A lot is too little
Let's meet in the middle
My emotions soar
Fortissimo, roar
Feelings that never go away
I'll love you tomorrow
And more each day
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
You take my breath away like a Degas on the wall
Every time you look at me, deeper and deeper I fall
Your transcendent eyes are a mystical blue
That draw me in like a mysterious clue
I can’t resist, you’re like a bright red button that says “do not press”
And you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, I would not settle for less
When choosing my outfits I dress to impress you
I never thought I’d hit a point where my love for you grew
I compare you to the sun not because it’s easy
But because you light up my world, especially when you tease me
Then I see you smile and I can’t help but grin
Every time you laugh, for me it’s an internal win
My simple metaphors mean little to people
But they’re the best way I describe you and hold you higher than the steeple
The beauties in life are encapsulated inside
Like a perfectly cooked dinner, all evenly fried
Or a little purple flower growing through cement
Or even a flawless apple with not a single dent
You are the reason that life continues
You never leave my mind and you fix most of my issues
Please stay beside me like a swan with its mate
I hope my deep love for you isn’t too late
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
A letter to a love that is not my own:

In the darkest nights I only saw your face. When I closed my eyes the images of you came flooding in and even though I tried to drown them with my tears they refused to go away. You could have been messaging me or ignoring me. It wouldn't have mattered, because I would miss you just the same. Miss everything about you. Like the times we'd walk past each other in close quarters and we'd barely touch, but we'd both look at each other and I would always apologize, because that's just who I am. Those moments were electric. Sometimes those would be the only words exchanged between us. Every second without you is a second wasted. Melodramatic? Maybe. But in my heart, deep down... No matter how long I have tried to deny it I know that I have strong feelings for you. Even if you don't care for me the same way, I will always feel this way towards you.
I'm the gambler. I give everything I have- play the cards when the odds are 1,000 to 1 or 1 to 1,000, I put my heart on the line and honestly, I would give you anything. I would do anything for you just to see you smile at me. I don't mean smile with your bright white teeth I mean really smile. The kind of smile that makes even your eyes seem alive. I saw that look from you once. Some time ago you looked at me and I knew. I knew that you would hold your breath around me like I do for you now. I would willingly hand you my soul, my heart, every last part of me and even if you crushed it all in your firm hands I wouldn't cry. I would just pick up the pieces and put them right back into your hands again because that way at least I would feel like I am with you. Do you ever notice the silence between us? Not the silence when you read my messages and don't respond, but the silence when we are in the same room? I hang onto every waking moment of that hoping that you will break the stalemate so that I don't have to. For you to end the solitude between us. 'Ya know,  I envy that glass of water that gets to kiss your sleepy lips each morning and that luminescent moon that you spill your heart out to each night, because I want that kind of closeness to you.
When you pray to God do I ever come up? Do you ever ask Him about me? Do you ever pray? Do I even cross your mind at all? I want a love so deep the ocean would be jealous, not a one way mirror where all I see is the reflection of a pathetic me who is mourning over the loss of a love that was never intended to be my own. I have contemplated telling you how I feel. Hell, I've even written it all down word for word ready to click that send button, but I'm not ready for it yet. I'm taking a risk writing this up as it is. If I had to tell you in person oh man trust me my voice would shake, crack, and I would stumble over words. I would feel as though 32 bits of glass had become my teeth and that they would break each and every time I tried to speak only so that I would choose my words even more carefully, but I would do it, because why spend your entire life wondering what could have been.
I can't call this love. It may be or may not be. Everyone has their own definition of it. Some think that love is two people spending their lives together watching sunrises or the star painted skies at night, others think it is waking up at 2 PM next to that special someone after a heck of night laughing at how both of your heads are pounding and how your ears are still ringing from the music. I've never been sure of what my definition of love is or how to even begin to rationalize such a strong feeling, but now I know.
My definition of love, is you.

Wisely, briefly, and truly,
Eleanor Sinclair
Eleanor Sinclair Jun 2018
I can’t say I’m taking my heart into my own hands
Despite all the ifs buts and ands
I have no heart left
Somehow sneaking in to get away with the theft
Everyone bites off a piece for themselves
Like wild animals or greedy little elves
and no one considers the pain it causes me
Whether or not the caged bird can fly free
There’s nothing left of my heart
Everyone got their share and tore me apart
And I have nothing left to give
I’m a hollow shell with no reason to live
My rib cage is empty and the door is opened wide
With each “I love you” I know they all lied
I’m empty now like the once full sky
Laying here wondering when and how I’ll die
Eleanor Sinclair Jun 2018
There’s no price tag on our friendship
Your skin is covered in gold that drips
Like dew off the morning flowers
The reflection of honey glistening off your body for hours
I yearn for the sweet taste of your lips
And your stern yet tender hands on my hips
Pulling my ribs closer to yours
Like a waterfall my love pours
Into a half empty glass
You’ve been plagued by your past
But I’m working to make you whole again
No matter how long it takes or when
You’ll always be my friend
Whether this love song comes to a bitter end
Or we prosper into a new tomorrow
I will relieve you of all your sorrow
Change your situation
Elevate your mental station
We were made to be
You and me
What do you say?
No matter what I’m here to stay
Traveling through life
Together beating the former strife
It can all start fresh for us
Re-spark our youthful lust
We are a quintessential dream team
I’ll light up your darkest nights like a sunbeam
Holding your hand or your heart
With your head on my chest we will never be apart
Dancing throughout the bedroom
To the songs that around us loom
Be mine forever please
And I’ll be yours with ease
You make me shine like the midday sun
And bring me comfort like the ocean breeze
Eleanor Sinclair Mar 2018
For some time
I thought I was the work of art
And that you were one of the spectators
Watching me as you passed by
As they always do
But you caught my attention with yours
You stood and stared and inspected each part of me
My rounded frame
The subtly crumbling interior and slight scars plastered about
You looked with unparalled fascination
As though I was something you had never seen before
Unlike the other artwork in the gallery of the world
The corners of your mouth lifted into a smirk
As I watched you stay by my side
I understood
You are not a mere spectator
Instead you are the artist
Marveling at his work
The beauty of what he knows is his
What will be his forever
You brought me into an existence far more colorful than anything I could have imagined
And you stared at me as though I was from another planet
Like the stars had fallen all around illuminating just me
Time passed by and I worried you'd grow tired of me
Yet you stayed
With the same sparkle in your eyes
Accompanied by the comforting smile on your lips
Exponentially time continued onward and still you reveled in the magnificence of your creation
I came to realize you were not going anywhere
So I embrace your presence and welcome you with open arms
The immortality of our connection brightens even the dullest pastels
Art is eternal
And doesn't the saying go "love is the spirit that motivates the artist"
Because in that case we can conquer anything
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
“Don’t ruin my artwork”
He said to me when I was still his canvas
But he grew less fond of my colors, now dull
My blues to greys
Fading away
The white washed over me
And I was no longer his masterpiece
Eleanor Sinclair Sep 2018
I miss the smell of you in bed
I miss the way you kiss my head
I miss your hand on mine
I miss the way you‘d say I look fine
I miss your hugs and their encapsulating safety
I miss the way you made my mind act crazy
I miss our laughs and emotional talks
I miss the days we would go for short walks
I miss sitting with you in close proximity
I miss the way you looked at me in a certain vicinity
I miss your smile most of all
I miss your voice echoing down the hall
I miss your eyes and their gorgeous luster
I miss my inability to find words to muster
But I think about it now and I miss none of that
Instead I just think how I want you back
Because I don’t miss your worldly qualities
Instead I miss your quirky little oddities
Everything about you is beyond this existent
I’ve hit the point of full on admittance
I’m in love with your soul and your being
Of course I’m also in love, sweetheart, with what I’m seeing
But I want you for you and not what’s outside
The day you left me part of me died
I hope to see you again in my dreams
That’s all I have left now, so it seems
Eleanor Sinclair Jul 2019
As long as you love me in my dreams,
I will be content in my waking life
Eleanor Sinclair Feb 2019
You act so kind and caring
But you’re really quite cruel and daring
You push the limits of life
And play with the edge of the knife
I was merely a pawn in your game
You made me fall for your name
But were you the man I grew to know?
Looking now at your face, I don’t think so
Eleanor Sinclair Jun 2015
When the timing's right
As the violins ring
We will all delight
As the angels sing
And the end draws near
With a timeless Ode to Joy,
But there's nothing to fear
O' when the beautiful
End is here
Baroque state of mind
Eleanor Sinclair May 2017
The birds chirp free
Leaves rustle in the trees
The bunnies hop and play
The days slip away
The insects buzz and fly
The flowers wilt and die
The sun goes down at night
The darkest creatures fight
The day begins anew
On grass a drop of dew
The wind whistles strong
The days last too long
The summers turn to fall
Time moves fast or not at all
Winter into spring
Life, what a wonderful thing
#beautiful #nature
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2019
When I see you I can’t help but smile
The look in your eyes is to die for
And that gorgeous radiant laugh can be heard for miles
You leave your business card in my shoe when I visit
I still have each and every one
When I’m not around, I miss it
I draw hearts on your calendar when you look away
I love when you find them
It makes my day
And no matter what happens you know I love you
That regardless of anything
Or the distance that grew
You’ll always be with me until the end
And I’ll always be here
For my lovely best friend
Eleanor Sinclair Oct 2015
In the crevice of conflation the planets watch,  
In awe as the worlds collide
Each solar system fusing as one
To create a world unlike any other
Being pulled into a hole in the universe
Darker than the empty night sky
And the lack of stars
The constellations pulled apart
Like strings being snapped
When in an instant
It all stops
For a few mere seconds everything is calm
Until BAM
The self destruction of the colliding worlds
Was a beauty to be marvelled at
Each system seemed to explode
And paint the dreary sky
Creating an array of colors
Forming new strung stars,
Reshaping the old ones
And starting a new life for everything
That once was
Space, the final frontier
Eleanor Sinclair Oct 2020
It’s amazing the way that we bleed
The way the skin parts and the blood starts to bead
It’s a rush you feel through the skin
Like a tingling sensation without and within
Or a touch of rapture inside
Like the soul is escaping through a crimson tide
Believe it or not, it’s freeing
Until the moment you just stop bleeding...
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2018
My love for you is patient
My love for you is kind
I want to write you personally
I hope that you don't mind
I can't live here without you
It would be like blank dark death
There is no me without you
You are within my every breath
I want to leave this place
And go live on our own
Believe me when I say this
You shudder through my bone
I need you with me always
Otherwise I might die
Every day without you
I quietly sit and cry
Please stay with me my sweetheart
And don't leave so soon
I write about you daily
And think from sun till moon
So please my lovely flower
O' won't you stay in bloom
I see our petals growing
Don't let them be our doom
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
I think about you daily
Perhaps too much, maybe
Do you think of me as I do for you?
I’m lost without Us and my days are blue
Eleanor Sinclair Sep 2018
I do not wish to be dead
But I feel as though there's nothing left
You slipped through my fingers like water
And splashed to the ground like the blood of a lamb at the slaughter
I begged you please to stay here
But you decided to let go at almost our third year
I cried to you and was vulnerable
You sat there dry eyed, comfortable
What more can I say except I miss you
I hold on to your shirt and beg to kiss you
But with no success again I digress
A friend of mine called me today
Crying about her boy and I told her what to say
I stayed composed and showed no sorrow
I was at her side so she could live through till tomorrow
But what a hypocrite I must be
I stare at the metal against my pale skin in envy
I told her to hold her heart on her own
I insisted that no matter what she's never alone
I hung up 12 minutes later and burst into tears
I wish I could take away her pain and all of her fears
But could anyone say the same for my troubled soul?
Today is the day I broke and am no longer whole
I am trying to search for my broken pieces
Like the Shikon Jewel they're scattered and the distance increases
You are free from your obligations to me or my world
I'll lay in my bed hungry, tearful, and curled
No motivation I wake up just to sleep
My emotions are thick and their rivers run deep
You course through my veins like a potent pain killer
Or maybe like lidocaine acting just as a filler
The pain is still there but I can't feel it now
My body is numb and all feeling is gone, how?
I could get used to the feeling of emptiness
I could learn to like my hollowed out chest
Some are designed to be left all alone
People like me, these creatures of stone
I'd do it all again if you gave me the chance
I'd put my shattered heart back in your hands
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2014
What the hell is the matter?
Life's going,
It's good
Grades are my way
Go out? I could
My friends love me dearly
Be happy? I should
Not that simple, merely
Like verbose dialogue, streaming
I hear nothing outside
Except, in my head I hear screaming
Right left, right left
The day-to-day struggle
My tears block the view
Of the tasks I must juggle
Things are okay
And yet, they're not fine
The pain I am caused
Is nothing short of divine
Comedic indeed
Like Dante foretold
Hell's where we end up
Who knew, it'd be cold?
Eleanor Sinclair Jul 2018
I want my body buried in a bed of roses
So that you may envision the beauty I once encapsulated
So that every time you see a flower blossom, you can imagine me in awe of it’s allure
So that you may pick it and hold me once again like you used to
Eleanor Sinclair Nov 2017
A world unraveled by sorrow
A sun that will not rise tomorrow
A tear soaked pillow and sheets
A bright bubbly smile for every person she meets
A life full of pain
and dread

Her heart full of stains
and her brain all but dead
The anxiety rips her to shreds
fed up with the woe
Through the thick haze she treads
Many miles a minute
her mind races
In her own silly way
herself she disgraces

Autopilot set on repeat
the verbose emotion chills her
Down to her feet
Heavy limbs hang at her sides
as the long days go by
Her willingness subsides

When the clock strikes the hour, she abides
the torment and exhaustion she feels
keeps her pensive in thought
As she reels

Another day gone by in a flash
hidden emotions
Stored in the cache
Eleanor Sinclair Mar 2018
Meet me in the deepest reaches of my heart
Past the hushed voices in my mind
North of what others whisper
Just a few miles from sanity and sense
Meet me in the deepest reaches of my heart
Enter through the gate of No Return
And kiss my lips like it will be the last time
Drink my body in like I'm part of you
Look into my vacuous eyes and tell me how you love me
Compliment me the magnificent way you do
And give me something to adore about myself
Meet me in the deepest reaches of this heart of mine
Continue into the void that will be our existence
I whimper goodbye
Painfully clandestine
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
My heart hurts
It fears for the worst
Knowing the end it near
The notes start with “dear...”
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2014
Eyes on the clock
Tick toc tick toc
Sipping a cup of coffee
Darker than the sky
Rain sliding down the windows
Pitter patter pitter patter
Watching people come in and out
Sitting at the table
"Order up!
Two Vanilla Blonde Roast Coffee's!"
Yelled a man,
But all I could hear was the music
Chiming around the room
And bouncing off the walls
Multiple conversations
I sat there
In that room
Writing stories
And Tales
Like no other had done
Such where the hero was the villain
Stories that could only be deciphered
By those who have felt the pain
Of the lonesome characters
That these stories depicted
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
In moments of weakness I’m like a hermit

In moments of strength the lion emerges
Eleanor Sinclair Feb 2021
"Just remember when you think you're free, that crack in your heart is me"

But I'll never be free from your company
My mind circles around you aimlessly
You know, Manson seems to know a thing or two
The crack in my heart will always be you
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2014
I would drink acid
To get the sweet taste
Of your lips
Off my mouth
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
The mist often lifts in the presence of the sun
The same way my heart does, and the way I hold air in my lungs
You seem to make the dark days feel light
And when my eyes catch yours there is nothing better in sight
You make my pulse quicken when you touch my skin
Now I know how Henry felt when he looked at Anne Boleyn
Trust now that what I say to you is true
Due to our time together I've reached a break through
You really are all that I need
You coarse through my veins, so not to lose you, I choose not to bleed
Eleanor Sinclair May 2015
Nowhere to go

Nowhere to be

Nothing to do

Nothing to *see
Eleanor Sinclair Oct 2017
It was the darkest time of the night,
the moon was shrouded by clouds and hidden from view.
The cemetery was as silent as the bodies it held
yet in some way the mist seemed to sing a sad tune as I walked in between the tomb stones
of those already taken to a world beyond this one.
Time was a thief in the night for those lost souls
now stuck here, unlike the lucky ones
who got to escape to a better place than the one we live in now

The heavens are waiting, do you deserve them?
Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2018
I met a friend today
His name was Death
He smiled big with pure white teeth
And minty fresh breath
I asked him what he did for a living
Staring blankly at me, batting his eyelashes
He did the opposite of giving
What did that mean?
But the closer I got to Death
The better I understood his scheme
In his sharp black suit he won me over
I felt an irresistible draw
Like to a diamond in the rough, or a four leaf clover
He convinced me of the beauty in the night
That when the moon was hidden from view
There was nothing better than the lack of light
He led me from my lust for life
Sang to me in my sleep
Whispered sweet nothings and handed me the knife
I tried to pull away from my newly found friend
But his choke hold was so tight
On him I started to depend
The world could see me deteriorate into nothing
He held me harder and closer
With shortness of breath I stood huffing and puffing
Enclosed in the lackluster of our friendship I became numb
The emotions drifted with my vitality
I tried to retrieve them but could only attain 1/5th of my former sum
The more time you spend with a person
The more you become like them
I suppose I couldn't see the situation worsen
Collar around my neck he leashed me like a dog
I cared so deeply for him
My haze filled mind ignored the dense fog
I came to terms with my life long trap
Death circled like a satellite around my position
No matter where I went he found my place on the map
Eventually I succame to this fate
Despite his control
Death, I could not hate
I loved him too dearly to notice the signs
I couldn't think clearly
His presence was odious and it wasn't benign
Eleanor Sinclair Jun 2018
A question for my future self:
Am I happy?
Do I have insurmountable wealth?
A concern from my past self:
Do I still use my body to show the boys I’m pretty?
Is my potential for the future just collecting dust on a shelf?
I wrote a letter in seventh grade to my tenth grade self
I asked, blatantly, “pourquoi est-ce que to habites?”
That means “why do you live?”
And I sat and wondered while reading that in twelfth grade:
“What can I possibly give? Five years ago I didn’t know why I live and still I falter with the thought.”
I’ve been told time and time again that I’m wasting what I have
Not my materials or rights
My ability to stab through the thickest situations and rise to the top
I’ve been told that my potential has been wasted
I’m worried that me right now will be the same in ten years as though it has just been copied and pasted
Life goes on in a conveyor belt fashion
You step off when you get where you need to go
But some of us stand still and go in the same circle never taking action or developing a passion to get from point A to point B
I fear I may never step off my conveyor
It’s hard to see the world objectively when clearly everything is subjective
I’m conveying to you, future self, that I think your belt is broken and you’re stuck in one place
You physically stand still
While your mind wanders space
And you think you’re advancing and in life moving forward
But you’re stationary and you can’t see it now, but take my word for it
I want you to open your eyes and see past your useless tears
You’ve had all the time in the world to make changes, you’ve had so many years!
So why is it that you have yet to adjust the system?
Future self, are you listening? Get off the conveyor and start walking, because no one is there to fix them!
Don’t expect help from anyone in your circle
They stick around for a little but are ultimately a hurdle
There is no one to trust but you, future friend
If you need to reach out to anyone
Ask yourself, a hand I’m sure you’ll lend
I doubt you want to see yourself fail
You might as well then get your coffin and count each nail
Because everything in life is different in perspective
Can you see now that you somewhat feel respected?
I worry about you more than I should
But I worry just enough
To the point where it’s good
Hey, can we strike a deal, future me?
Give it four years
And if by then you can’t see,
Then the world doesn’t need you and you’re better off alone,
But if you see what I mean then enjoy your new home
Your body is the dwelling that you seek shelter in
I hope that day comes when you love your own skin
When your eyes shimmer with glee at the sight of your image
Not at all like Narcissus, but you understand the little pilgrimage I’m talking about
So one last comment to you, my soon to be friend
Always trust yourself and your judgement, don’t bend
Don’t let others walk over you like a doormat
Command your presence like a homerun swinging bat
Silence the room when you walk in to speak
Understand your self worth and the benefits, you’ll reap
I’m happy to have the pleasure of meeting you one day
I’ll likely be nervous and not know what to say
Because for how powerful and wonderful and mystifying you’ll be
God I hope one day what I want to see will be me
Eleanor Sinclair Jun 2018
Another anger filled screaming match transpired today
He wonders if I'm serious about running away
I'd sail all seven seas to rid myself of the cries and the pleas that haunt my waking dreams
Although I'm dramatic
And often problematic
I somehow use my words to my advantage
In order to manage the situation
I mold you like clay
Hoping that one day you'll love me the same way I love you
But it's not true
I'm just lying to myself and protecting my mental health before breaking down
and falling to the ground
Crying and yelling my eyes are swelling with tears of the pain I've felt all these years
And our happy times out weigh the sad but when will the good days out number the bad?
I'm struggling to find my place in your no vacancy heart
I try to express myself to you through this art
But somehow the words slip through the cracks and roll like water off a ducks back
In one ear out the other
I wonder how my words don't completely smother you
And I do what I can so I craft every plan but they fall apart eventually
I don't know who you and I are meant to be but I worry
I can't understand whether you reach out your hand to hold me or hit me
Your words always bit me in a way that couldn't be healed
With each little fight your motives are revealed and I wonder how long you'll put up with me
The soot from our erupting explosive endless fights keeps me coughing in pain and lungs burning each night
Help me to see what I'm doing wrong
Because it's clear I'm confused and taking too long to figure out what I want from all of this
Whether or not your presence is bliss
I need more time to figure you out because in the same moment I'm filled with self doubt
Give me a second to recollect my thoughts
I'm trying my hardest to reconnect the dots
I need to take a really deep breath
Before making a mistake and dancing with death
Eleanor Sinclair Feb 2021
I was once in love with God
And Satan soon to follow
The Lord made me feel whole
While Satan more-so hollow
Neither could take my pain
So why did I bother
Their love was not the same
I was another lamb to the slaughter
All I asked was for a little push
God helped me along
While Satan with an ambush
Brought you in the form of a dashing smart man
I thought you were my savior
But instead you were a devil with another plan
Eleanor Sinclair May 2018
She hung by a thread to her sanity
Constantly staring in the mirror she realized her vanity
But if what they call her is "vain"
Then there must be more than one definition to that name
Because her sense of self is "skewed" and "inaccurate"
But to her it's all she knows and she's quite aspirant
Ready for change and to be a new version of herself
Hardly caring about her deteriorating health
Walking into the health club already exhausted
Not understanding how much it has costed
Not with money or credit but with physical wellbeing
Not heeding her body's warnings or in the mirror seeing
Her hair is thin and no longer growing in places
She compares her pale skin to the other people's faces
She puts ******* down her throat in the hope to purge up a candy bar
Convinced her calorie count was taken too far
Her nails chip far too easy
And the thought of eating makes her queezy
Yet the stress encompassing her life pushes her to binge
Hundreds into thousands the floodgates unhinge
Never for sustenance, always for taste
Each and every calorie is a ginormous waste
She collapsed on the Stairmill and in embarrassment and rage
Exited the gym floor as though it were left-center stage
With poise and a smile she laughed as they stared
She grabbed all her gear and left as they glared
When she got to the car she was nothing but angry
Pushing too hard her body sat blankly
Breathing was difficult and by speaking she was pained
Every ounce of her life force felt utterly drained
Her skin can no longer take the lack of nutrition
And her eyes are wavering as she tries to focus her vision
She used to be a student with straight A intent
But all she can think about is the next meal and its scent
Forgetting the most basic things about her day
She forgets how to write and takes a derivative the wrong way
People look puzzled as she waves off their concerns
While in her stomach and throat a deep hunger burns
She stares once again at her monstrous reflection
Grabbing and poking at her bulging midsection
Now huddled on the ground she stares at the ceiling
Entering a loose dreamy feeling
On the brink of unconsciousness she extends her hand skyward
Only then realizing that down to her soul she is tired
Eleanor Sinclair Sep 2017
Some days life's a mess
You cry more and smile less
The nights are dark and long
Death circles 'round singing a song
You feel worn and cold
Now reserved, those who were bold
An illness is not a game
Once you come out you're never the same
It gnaws its way to your core
Like you're trapped behind a heavy metal door
The light is unattainable
The joy is less sustainable
The laughter turns to tears
Caught in depression for many long years
Social turns to panic
The extreme anxiety then becomes manic
A world with no hope
The illness helps me tighten the rope
The chair beneath my feet
Quivers to my rapid heartbeat
In one fellow swoop I will fall
Then in the end, nothing matters at all
Eleanor Sinclair Oct 2020
In my dreams it all feels real
You hug me and it seems so clear
Then I wake and you’re not with me
Through the tears, I can barely see

But I’ve come to terms with this reality
No matter if I want you badly
I’m content with only getting you while I sleep
I look forward each day to my nights of counting sheep

Our fake bliss begets pain in my heart
And with the opening of eyelids our moments depart
I wonder if we’ll ever be together
But in my dreams, we will be forever
Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2018
Drip drip drip
The blood paints the floor
Pupils shaking at the sight of the gore
Crimson crater diverging further
Before you know it the news will exclaim "******!"
I guess it kind of is, me killing my former self
By releasing my demons I gain insurmountable wealth
Say what you want, I've heard it all before
From "heartless *****" down to "***** *****"
I know I'm better than those hurtful words you spew
Yet they still hit home and taint my already clouded view
The mirror is a trick and I don't believe it for a second
You taught me not to love myself and with false data you reckoned
The bandage on my wrist is precautionary at best
I don't care who comments on my relapse filled quest
Drip drip drip
The red soaks through and everyone assumes
"Oh she's the attention seeker" fills rooms
Sorry I guess for wanting control
It's never been my place and I never play that role
I'm passive and submissive in every other aspect
I need some grip on my world even if indirect
The scars are tempting and the blood is addicting
I always slice more, never restricting
It stings like crazy but I have to push harder
If the beads don't rise next time I'll be smarter
Technique is key in the process
Like a well thought out game of chess
Drip drip drip
I can't help but sign in relief
Another successful session, however brief
My pure fair skin bears more scars than it should
I want to stop but I don't think I could
Can't say I care at all anymore
Waking up in the morning is in itself a chore
Blissful sleep is my one escape
Only in my dreams can a happy life take shape
Eleanor Sinclair Feb 2019
The waves crashed as my knees buckled so straight
I could hear my inner thoughts screaming “it’s already too late!”
The water, so jagged and blunt with force
Threw me and my mind fully off course
The amplitude had ceased yet the water remained
No matter how hard I tried some parts were not drained
I suppose to me you’re like the droplets of water
Those little bits that aren’t really a bother
But no matter what I know that they’re there
I really feel them when my soul is quite bare
And no matter how I try to dry them
They have become a part of me like a flower to its stem
Eleanor Sinclair Mar 2019
Silently crying to myself
As my deteriorating mental heath
Pulls me under
Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2017
Dreaming of outer space
The beautiful boy
Visited a beautiful place
Immensely vast
He floated through stars
And then at last
He began to fall
Through nebulas and dust
Like a heavy ball
He fell and fell
For what seemed like forever
Then awoke shouting, "never, never!"
He panted and sighed sounds of relief
He knew the pills had worn off
And in disbelief
Laid back on his pillow
And shut his eyes
Like a wilting willow
His pain he disguised
Another handful then
*"Let's try this again"
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2020
I wrestle with these thoughts of doubt
And all the hate I can’t get out
While you sit there and watch me in my pain

Imagine that this hurt will pass
That death for me is swift and fast
Forever in your heart you’ll feel the rain

I want to stay for me and you
But I’ll do what I want to do
This world has extinguished my bright flame
Read this to the best of Duality by Slipknot, it works great.
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