Dear inner writer,

The voices bouncing around my head are making me dizzy and the thought of doing anything except be idle makes me nauseous. I throw these words onto the paper, but do I even know what they really mean? What they’re really saying? Worn out and overused, I collapse in on myself.

People praise my scattered thoughts as though something new has been forged from the hellish flames of my fervent mind, yet I don’t see it. They say, “wow, that was beautiful,” but did they really feel that in their heart’s? A world without writing is a dark desolate nothingness and I can’t go back.

This earth is plagued with the unsightly forces of humanity. Stained by deceit and judgement, I look for an escape and if my only weapon to wield is my ballpoint sword and blank white shield, then I will be ready for battle.

“Everything carries me to you” - Pablo Neruda

I resented writing for a while and I griped about its effect. Why did it always make me feel the way I did? Why did it make me feel at all? I knew it was a part of me but I didn’t let myself understand that until further down the evermore complicated road.

Writing is the release valve on a pressurized pump. With each new word and phrase, the force dwindles and there is nothing more relieving. Like lifting the earth off from Atlas’ shoulders.

As I feel the sanity and solidity of this world slip through my fingers, I can’t seem to get a grip. Sometimes things are beyond what I can comprehend and there is no way around that.

“Raise your words, not voice. It is the rain that grows flowers, not the thunder” - Rumi

It carries an overwhelming affect and my heart can’t help, but overflow onto the paper. With the ink as my blood it splatters down on the page in sporadic fits of inspiration, like a mad man I scribble until the last “i’s” are dotted and the “t’s” are adequately crossed. One heavy sigh concludes the session and I know there is more to come soon.

The ability to create marks a triumph over all the evidence to the contrary. To live and to breathe is a foot all in itself. The odds are stacked against each and every one of us and existing is the greatest gift the universe could give us, so why not rejoice with the splendor of the written word and express ourselves in every way possible?

Never show your cards. The combinations you’ve been dealt are your own and to open yourself up fully is to reveal your hand. Writing allows me to shade my cards, but illuminate just enough to alleviate the ambient questions

“A heart’s a heavy burden” - Calcifer

It scares me, the intensity of my words and of the feelings within. There is no greater power than in emotion. Able to tear apart and build back up, its two-faced nature terrifies me, yet still I feel.

No two pieces of writing are the same and like snowflakes they fall all over the world, giving different meaning to each person who sees them.

“I closed my mouth and spoke to you in a hundred silent ways” - Rumi

I implore that you keep writing. I beg that you continue to bleed black and blue blood onto the pages of the world and prove to the society we inhabit that we are a force to be reckoned with and that no one and nothing will tear down our fortitude.

I enter into a new chapter of my life and I see that we have become one and the same, finally. I resented you for years, but now I embrace you with open arms and the wingspan of a soaring eagle.

“Happiness can only exist in acceptance” - George Orwell

You are me and I am you. Till the end of time we will be a team and I will never forget you. I will never leave you.

Never forsake yourself my friend and never doubt your ability. There is a world of wonder and understanding and I know you can do it. You will always write and you will always flourish. Nothing can tear you apart and nothing can pull you down. The universe is at your fingertips.

“Do not go gentle into that good night” - Dylan Thomas

Sincerely,

You

The future holds
A story untold
Happy release
A love at least
Deep desire
Inside burns a fire
For a love so rich
To savor a kiss
Two lives forever
Joined through every endeavor
The future unknown
A happiness, grown
In the end it's the same
Through the sun or through rain
I love you now more than ever
We'll always be together
Stay by my side
And I'll never leave you behind
Love me, I pray
My shining ray
Your shimmering eyes
Look deep into mine
You're my start
and end
My love
and friend
A lot is too little
Let's meet in the middle
My emotions soar
Fortissimo, roar
Feelings that never go away
I'll love you tomorrow
And more each day

You take my breath away like a Degas on the wall
Every time you look at me, deeper and deeper I fall
Your transcendent eyes are a mystical blue
That draw me in like a mysterious clue
I can’t resist, you’re like a bright red button that says “do not press”
And you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, I would not settle for less
When choosing my outfits I dress to impress you
I never thought I’d hit a point where my love for you grew
I compare you to the sun not because it’s easy
But because you light up my world, especially when you tease me
Then I see you smile and I can’t help but grin
Every time you laugh, for me it’s an internal win
My simple metaphors mean little to people
But they’re the best way I describe you and hold you higher than the steeple
The beauties in life are encapsulated inside
Like a perfectly cooked dinner, all evenly fried
Or a little purple flower growing through cement
Or even a flawless apple with not a single dent
You are the reason that life continues
You never leave my mind and you fix most of my issues
Please stay beside me like a swan with its mate
I hope my deep love for you isn’t too late

I can’t say I’m taking my heart into my own hands
Despite all the ifs buts and ands
I have no heart left
Somehow sneaking in to get away with the theft
Everyone bites off a piece for themselves
Like wild animals or greedy little elves
and no one considers the pain it causes me
Whether or not the caged bird can fly free
There’s nothing left of my heart
Everyone got their share and tore me apart
And I have nothing left to give
I’m a hollow shell with no reason to live
My rib cage is empty and the door is opened wide
With each “I love you” I know they all lied
I’m empty now like the once full sky
Laying here wondering when and how I’ll die

For some time
I thought I was the work of art
And that you were one of the spectators
Watching me as you passed by
As they always do
But you caught my attention with yours
You stood and stared and inspected each part of me
My rounded frame
The subtly crumbling interior and slight scars plastered about
You looked with unparalled fascination
As though I was something you had never seen before
Unlike the other artwork in the gallery of the world
The corners of your mouth lifted into a smirk
As I watched you stay by my side
I understood
You are not a mere spectator
Instead you are the artist
Marveling at his work
The beauty of what he knows is his
What will be his forever
You brought me into an existence far more colorful than anything I could have imagined
And you stared at me as though I was from another planet
Like the stars had fallen all around illuminating just me
Time passed by and I worried you'd grow tired of me
Yet you stayed
With the same sparkle in your eyes
Accompanied by the comforting smile on your lips
Exponentially time continued onward and still you reveled in the magnificence of your creation
I came to realize you were not going anywhere
So I embrace your presence and welcome you with open arms
The immortality of our connection brightens even the dullest pastels
Art is eternal
And doesn't the saying go "love is the spirit that motivates the artist"
Because in that case we can conquer anything

I miss the smell of you in bed
I miss the way you kiss my head
I miss your hand on mine
I miss the way you‘d say I look fine
I miss your hugs and their encapsulating safety
I miss the way you made my mind act crazy
I miss our laughs and emotional talks
I miss the days we would go for short walks
I miss sitting with you in close proximity
I miss the way you looked at me in a certain vicinity
I miss your smile most of all
I miss your voice echoing down the hall
I miss your eyes and their gorgeous luster
I miss my inability to find words to muster
But I think about it now and I miss none of that
Instead I just think how I want you back
Because I don’t miss your worldly qualities
Instead I miss your quirky little oddities
Everything about you is beyond this existent
I’ve hit the point of full on admittance
I’m in love with your soul and your being
Of course I’m also in love, sweetheart, with what I’m seeing
But I want you for you and not what’s outside
The day you left me part of me died
I hope to see you again in my dreams
That’s all I have left now, so it seems

When the timing's right
As the violins ring
We will all delight
As the angels sing
And the end draws near
With a timeless Ode to Joy,
But there's nothing to fear
O' when the beautiful
End is here

The birds chirp free
Leaves rustle in the trees
The bunnies hop and play
The days slip away
The insects buzz and fly
The flowers wilt and die
The sun goes down at night
The darkest creatures fight
The day begins anew
On grass a drop of dew
The wind whistles strong
The days last too long
The summers turn to fall
Time moves fast or not at all
Winter into spring
Life, what a wonderful thing

In the crevice of conflation the planets watch,  
In awe as the worlds collide
Each solar system fusing as one
To create a world unlike any other
Being pulled into a hole in the universe
Darker than the empty night sky
And the lack of stars
The constellations pulled apart
Like strings being snapped
When in an instant
It all stops
For a few mere seconds everything is calm
Until BAM
The self destruction of the colliding worlds
Was a beauty to be marvelled at
Each system seemed to explode
And paint the dreary sky
Creating an array of colors
Forming new strung stars,
Reshaping the old ones
And starting a new life for everything
That once was

My love for you is patient
My love for you is kind
I want to write you personally
I hope that you don't mind
I can't live here without you
It would be like blank dark death
There is no me without you
You are within my every breath
I want to leave this place
And go live on our own
Believe me when I say this
You shudder through my bone
I need you with me always
Otherwise I might die
Every day without you
I quietly sit and cry
Please stay with me my sweetheart
And don't leave so soon
I write about you daily
And think from sun till moon
So please my lovely flower
O' won't you stay in bloom
I see our petals growing
Don't let them be our doom

What the hell is the matter?
Life's going,
It's good
Grades are my way
Go out? I could
My friends love me dearly
Be happy? I should
Not that simple, merely
Like verbose dialogue, streaming
I hear nothing outside
Except, in my head I hear screaming
Right left, right left
The day-to-day struggle
My tears block the view
Of the tasks I must juggle
Things are okay
And yet, they're not fine
The pain I am caused
Is nothing short of divine
Comedic indeed
Like Dante foretold
Hell's where we end up
Who knew, it'd be cold?

I want my body buried in a bed of roses
So that you may envision the beauty I once encapsulated
So that every time you see a flower blossom, you can imagine me in awe of it’s allure
So that you may pick it and hold me once again like you used to

A world unraveled by sorrow
A sun that will not rise tomorrow
A tear soaked pillow and sheets
A bright bubbly smile for every person she meets
A life full of pain
and dread

Her heart full of stains
and her brain all but dead
The anxiety rips her to shreds
fed up with the woe
Through the thick haze she treads
Many miles a minute
her mind races
In her own silly way
herself she disgraces

Autopilot set on repeat
the verbose emotion chills her
Down to her feet
Heavy limbs hang at her sides
as the long days go by
Her willingness subsides

When the clock strikes the hour, she abides
the torment and exhaustion she feels
keeps her pensive in thought
As she reels

Another day gone by in a flash
hidden emotions
Stored in the cache

Meet me in the deepest reaches of my heart
Past the hushed voices in my mind
North of what others whisper
Just a few miles from sanity and sense
Meet me in the deepest reaches of my heart
Enter through the gate of No Return
And kiss my lips like it will be the last time
Drink my body in like I'm part of you
Look into my vacuous eyes and tell me how you love me
Compliment me the magnificent way you do
And give me something to adore about myself
Meet me in the deepest reaches of this heart of mine
Continue into the void that will be our existence
I whimper goodbye
Painfully clandestine

Eyes on the clock
Tick toc tick toc
Sipping a cup of coffee
Darker than the sky
Rain sliding down the windows
Pitter patter pitter patter
Watching people come in and out
Sitting at the table
"Order up!
Two Vanilla Blonde Roast Coffee's!"
Yelled a man,
But all I could hear was the music
Chiming around the room
And bouncing off the walls
Multiple conversations
I sat there
In that room
Writing stories
And Tales
Like no other had done
Such where the hero was the villain
Stories that could only be deciphered
By those who have felt the pain
Of the lonesome characters
That these stories depicted

In moments of weakness I’m like a hermit

In moments of strength the lion emerges

I would drink acid
To get the sweet taste
Of your lips
Off my mouth

Nowhere to go

Nowhere to be

Nothing to do

Nothing to *see

It was the darkest time of the night,
the moon was shrouded by clouds and hidden from view.
The cemetery was as silent as the bodies it held
yet in some way the mist seemed to sing a sad tune as I walked in between the tomb stones
of those already taken to a world beyond this one.
Time was a thief in the night for those lost souls
now stuck here, unlike the lucky ones
who got to escape to a better place than the one we live in now

The heavens are waiting, do you deserve them?

I met a friend today
His name was Death
He smiled big with pure white teeth
And minty fresh breath
I asked him what he did for a living
Staring blankly at me, batting his eyelashes
He did the opposite of giving
What did that mean?
But the closer I got to Death
The better I understood his scheme
In his sharp black suit he won me over
I felt an irresistible draw
Like to a diamond in the rough, or a four leaf clover
He convinced me of the beauty in the night
That when the moon was hidden from view
There was nothing better than the lack of light
He led me from my lust for life
Sang to me in my sleep
Whispered sweet nothings and handed me the knife
I tried to pull away from my newly found friend
But his choke hold was so tight
On him I started to depend
The world could see me deteriorate into nothing
He held me harder and closer
With shortness of breath I stood huffing and puffing
Enclosed in the lackluster of our friendship I became numb
The emotions drifted with my vitality
I tried to retrieve them but could only attain 1/5th of my former sum
The more time you spend with a person
The more you become like them
I suppose I couldn't see the situation worsen
Collar around my neck he leashed me like a dog
I cared so deeply for him
My haze filled mind ignored the dense fog
I came to terms with my life long trap
Death circled like a satellite around my position
No matter where I went he found my place on the map
Eventually I succame to this fate
Despite his control
Death, I could not hate
I loved him too dearly to notice the signs
I couldn't think clearly
His presence was odious and it wasn't benign

Some days life's a mess
You cry more and smile less
The nights are dark and long
Death circles 'round singing a song
You feel worn and cold
Now reserved, those who were bold
An illness is not a game
Once you come out you're never the same
It gnaws its way to your core
Like you're trapped behind a heavy metal door
The light is unattainable
The joy is less sustainable
The laughter turns to tears
Caught in depression for many long years
Social turns to panic
The extreme anxiety then becomes manic
A world with no hope
The illness helps me tighten the rope
The chair beneath my feet
Quivers to my rapid heartbeat
In one fellow swoop I will fall
Then in the end, nothing matters at all

Drip drip drip
The blood paints the floor
Pupils shaking at the sight of the gore
Crimson crater diverging further
Before you know it the news will exclaim "******!"
I guess it kind of is, me killing my former self
By releasing my demons I gain insurmountable wealth
Say what you want, I've heard it all before
From "heartless *****" down to "***** *****"
I know I'm better than those hurtful words you spew
Yet they still hit home and taint my already clouded view
The mirror is a trick and I don't believe it for a second
You taught me not to love myself and with false data you reckoned
The bandage on my wrist is precautionary at best
I don't care who comments on my relapse filled quest
Drip drip drip
The red soaks through and everyone assumes
"Oh she's the attention seeker" fills rooms
Sorry I guess for wanting control
It's never been my place and I never play that role
I'm passive and submissive in every other aspect
I need some grip on my world even if indirect
The scars are tempting and the blood is addicting
I always slice more, never restricting
It stings like crazy but I have to push harder
If the beads don't rise next time I'll be smarter
Technique is key in the process
Like a well thought out game of chess
Drip drip drip
I can't help but sign in relief
Another successful session, however brief
My pure fair skin bears more scars than it should
I want to stop but I don't think I could
Can't say I care at all anymore
Waking up in the morning is in itself a chore
Blissful sleep is my one escape
Only in my dreams can a happy life take shape

Dreaming of outer space
The beautiful boy
Visited a beautiful place
Immensely vast
He floated through stars
And then at last
He began to fall
Through nebulas and dust
Like a heavy ball
He fell and fell
For what seemed like forever
Then awoke shouting, "never, never!"
He panted and sighed sounds of relief
He knew the pills had worn off
And in disbelief
Laid back on his pillow
And shut his eyes
Like a wilting willow
His pain he disguised
Another handful then
*"Let's try this again"