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24.4k · Jan 2019
Wonder
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
Do you ever wonder
if the painter
tires of his colors?
19.5k · Jun 2015
Light
Eleanor Sinclair Jun 2015
What beauty compares with the break of dawn
Shining like your smile, the one for which I long
To see again and again
Constantly wondering when.
The brilliance of your soul shines ever so bright
Your personality alone lights up the darkest twilight
Black Moon
The sleepless nights I spent thinking about you
Silver Sun
The mornings I spent wondering if these encounters were done
Where did you go?
I'm not sure if even you know
The light is so dim and increasingly dull
More obscure thoughts bounce around in my skull
I need you, please to save me from here
The bright light you provide and can't possibly fear
Illuminates the abyss in which I fell
Light that guides the way and makes all things well
Luminous, bright, a light pure as snow
I missed that smile of yours, you know
Your smile lights up my world
17.5k · Apr 2018
Death
Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2018
I met a friend today
His name was Death
He smiled big with pure white teeth
And minty fresh breath
I asked him what he did for a living
Staring blankly at me, batting his eyelashes
He did the opposite of giving
What did that mean?
But the closer I got to Death
The better I understood his scheme
In his sharp black suit he won me over
I felt an irresistible draw
Like to a diamond in the rough, or a four leaf clover
He convinced me of the beauty in the night
That when the moon was hidden from view
There was nothing better than the lack of light
He led me from my lust for life
Sang to me in my sleep
Whispered sweet nothings and handed me the knife
I tried to pull away from my newly found friend
But his choke hold was so tight
On him I started to depend
The world could see me deteriorate into nothing
He held me harder and closer
With shortness of breath I stood huffing and puffing
Enclosed in the lackluster of our friendship I became numb
The emotions drifted with my vitality
I tried to retrieve them but could only attain 1/5th of my former sum
The more time you spend with a person
The more you become like them
I suppose I couldn't see the situation worsen
Collar around my neck he leashed me like a dog
I cared so deeply for him
My haze filled mind ignored the dense fog
I came to terms with my life long trap
Death circled like a satellite around my position
No matter where I went he found my place on the map
Eventually I succame to this fate
Despite his control
Death, I could not hate
I loved him too dearly to notice the signs
I couldn't think clearly
His presence was odious and it wasn't benign
15.1k · Sep 2018
Grown Up
Eleanor Sinclair Sep 2018
Here I am laying, filling my head
At 3 A.M rerunning every word I have said
I suppose my tears are the blood from my soul
Happy or sad it overflows out of me and I can’t seem to feel whole
I don’t want to die anymore because things aren’t too bad
But I’m tired constantly and I miss my mom and dad
That’s the thing about being an adult
You make the tough decisions yourself and if they’re wrong it’s your fault
You choose right from wrong and no one is there to tell you otherwise
No one is there to catch you in your lies or wipe the stream of tears from your eyes
Momma isn’t there to hold your hair when you *****
Daddy isn’t there to point to the sky at the comets
It’s more like a hollow and dark lonely place
Days feel like years yet weeks seem to race
I suppose we take for granted our youthful state
We don’t know what we have until it’s a little too late
I’d give anything to go back to a day before loans
Spend a day with my family before I wanted to become skin and bones
Give my brother a hug and tell him I care
Tell my father that the things he calls my mother are wrong and unfair
Play with my dog before the cancer took him away
Show up to work with enthusiasm as though it was my first day
See my town like I did through an adolescent lens
Bike through my neighborhood to the house that once was my friend’s
Run in the yard and climb that one crooked tree
Relive the trip to the forest that ended with bees
Laugh at myself when I fell off my bike
Not take myself so seriously and be willing to admit who’s right
Tell my sister “thank you” for yelling at me to not speak English
She kept me fluent and that was her wish
Go trick or treating from door to door
“Here’s some candy, would you like some more?”
My eyes fill with liquid nostalgia as they sparkle and close
My head bobs and nods as I catch it then doze
I miss the world before it got complex
Before I had to worry about what came next
I’d live for a day at the age of ten
Before things began to hurt and I was mistreated by men
I’d watch the stars with Jessica and talk about life
I’d give her a hug after a sleepover and get back on my bike
Pedaling home in the cool fall breeze
Everything was simpler back then and I took it for granted with ease
I wish to go back to a time almost half my life ago
I wake from my sleep to realize it can't be so
10.1k · Dec 2014
Crush
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2014
I would drink acid
To get the sweet taste
Of your lips
Off my mouth
8.8k · Dec 2014
Coffee Shop
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2014
Eyes on the clock
Tick toc tick toc
Sipping a cup of coffee
Darker than the sky
Rain sliding down the windows
Pitter patter pitter patter
Watching people come in and out
Sitting at the table
"Order up!
Two Vanilla Blonde Roast Coffee's!"
Yelled a man,
But all I could hear was the music
Chiming around the room
And bouncing off the walls
Multiple conversations
I sat there
In that room
Writing stories
And Tales
Like no other had done
Such where the hero was the villain
Stories that could only be deciphered
By those who have felt the pain
Of the lonesome characters
That these stories depicted
4.1k · Apr 2016
The Grapes of Wrath
Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2016
Migrants on highways-- hunger and need
In their eyes,
No argument, no system,
Need
Men fought for wage
Work for thirty--
Twenty-five--
Twenty
I’m hungry for work--
The kids see
They can’t run aroun’
They bloated up
--I’ll work--
for a little piece of good wages
Prices up
Great owners
Glad they bring more people in
Wages went down
We’ll have serfs again
*--Blackout Poem Chapter Twenty-One--
3.8k · Dec 2014
Rain
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2014
The sun doesn't need to shine
Its rays don't need to glow
I'll be locked in my room anyway
Sitting at the window
Watching the clouds gather
The first drop hits the ground
Does it even matter?
Look,
It's starting to pour now
The drops crash down
And my window pane is soaked
The earth fades to a muddy brown
Where did the sun,
And the happiness go?
Eleanor Sinclair Jul 2018
So it all fell apart again
My search history is full of numbers to overdose on
Maybe now it's the end
After all, I'm the irrational one
The world "revolves around me"
I think this time I'm done
The shattered pieces of my life slice deep
No one cares anymore how I feel
Every night recently I've cried myself to sleep
There is no point in trying to "prove them [everyone] wrong"
My heart has grown heavy and I see nothing to smile about
Regardless they'll still play my Funeral March song
And as they carry me away and into the ground
There will be music and my voice will ring in their minds
I will hear the cries screaming so loud
Mom, dad, brother, sister, boyfriend, mon ami, did I ever make you proud?
-
The beauty of Chopin and Beethoven in their minor keys is that the chords on the piano or the harmonics of the violin soothe my sorrowful soul with singing symphonic melodies that capture my sadness in a sometimes simple tune
-
To those who see this, will you tell them I never left a note?
I couldn't devote the time or bring myself to write to them a final goodbye
I want them to hang on to what ever words I last spoke to them
I want tears shed over my cheap gravestone that my parents didn't want to spend good money on
Especially for someone who was dead
Because they knew I couldn't complain if I never saw it
I want the "annoying" songs I used to play for them on the piano to fill their hearts with pain every time they hear them
I want the nostalgia and longing for me to linger in every lucid dream
I want my straight A report cards to receive a mere "good job" even if posthumously
-
There is pain in the most beautiful things in life
My eyes sparkle the most when I cry the hardest
The vibrant green becomes even more vivid with each swelling crystal drop
-
Tell them I was finally able to do something correctly
That I was finally able to succeed and go through with it
Tell them to wipe their tears with my lavender scented t-shirts
Tell them my love of pink and black was the weirdest thing about me
Although we know that wasn't quite the weirdest
Tell them whenever they see a butterfly or a flower or an animal crossing the street, that I would've shed a tear for its natural beauty
Tell them I tried my hardest to keep up with the rigor of life
Tell them that eventually every car runs out of gas
Tell them that the song, even if on repeat, will always end the same
Tell them to read my favourite books and try to understand why I loved the literature so much
Tell them not everyone is cut out for life and that sometimes people break and can't do it anymore
-
Towards the end my heart only struck dissonant chords
My fingers bled trying to pull the piano wire back into its proper position
I just wanted to be happy but the major chords and the consonance were out of reach
With my stick straight back I tried to fix the broken keys but nothing seemed to stay in place
-
I wonder what will happen now when I close my eyes and enter a deep sleep
Will I meet God or the Devil himself?
Or will it be just that... sleep
-
So many thoughts and so little time for me to complete them
The hourglass pours the sands of time too quickly now
The blurring ceiling sways in patterns, then up and down
I reach my hand to the sky as I lay on the ground
My tears cascade into the watery red pool around me
-
I don't want to bring this to an end
You who read this are my only friend
-
I said I'm tired and I should sleep
But you didn't know I meant I'd forever be done counting sheep
The moment I slip into an unconscious state
Saving me will already be too late
-
Play on repeat Chopin
Tell me how the song makes you feel now versus then
-
And only silence remained
As her tears still rained
And her last fleeting breath was drained
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
I used to feel stress as some others do
I’d cry and pout and usually eat the stress away
Gaining 5, 10, 15 pounds in the process
But at what point does stress become too much?

Phase 1- Normal
A little stress
But less than should cause concern
Take a quick pause and breath
Till you feel fully awake and ready to handle the whole deal that is worrying you
Eating pattern: Normal

Phase 2- Intermediate
More substantial stress
Quite the mess inside the mind
Especially in an unkind situation
Eat a little more than normal for the sake of taking away the thought of the problem
Make a list and stick to it to reduce the impact
Don’t place the fist to the wall yet
Eating pattern: Calories increased by 25-40%

Phase 3- High
Stress has reached its max
Like a leach ******* the life away
Mind trying to stray from the food or the situation
But somehow falling pray to both
Like a host for a parasite
Eating pattern: Compromised. Calories increased by 60-75%

Phase 4- Immense
Stress too high to handle comfortably
Functional human abilities begin to cease
Like a paralyzing disease
Lies like not feeling well begin to find their way into play through each and every day
Not only is the issue stressful but the thought of eating becomes impossible
Now more problems creep in with the deep dive swim of an eating disorder side show
Eating pattern: Crippling loss of appetite. Calories decreased by 90%

I digress to address the source of my stress
A world I thought I knew and had nothing left to do but ride the wind with my sweetheart
But things fall apart yet the world still spins and at the end of the day the side I’m fearful of wins
And now I’m alone and scared of what’s next I just sit here with empty stomach rumbles hoping for your text
I miss you and it hurts and the stress is a burden. I feel like I’m dying from the inside out and I doubt I’ll make it out of this
2.3k · Aug 2018
A Moment
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
A letter to a love that is not my own:

In the darkest nights I only saw your face. When I closed my eyes the images of you came flooding in and even though I tried to drown them with my tears they refused to go away. You could have been messaging me or ignoring me. It wouldn't have mattered, because I would miss you just the same. Miss everything about you. Like the times we'd walk past each other in close quarters and we'd barely touch, but we'd both look at each other and I would always apologize, because that's just who I am. Those moments were electric. Sometimes those would be the only words exchanged between us. Every second without you is a second wasted. Melodramatic? Maybe. But in my heart, deep down... No matter how long I have tried to deny it I know that I have strong feelings for you. Even if you don't care for me the same way, I will always feel this way towards you.
I'm the gambler. I give everything I have- play the cards when the odds are 1,000 to 1 or 1 to 1,000, I put my heart on the line and honestly, I would give you anything. I would do anything for you just to see you smile at me. I don't mean smile with your bright white teeth I mean really smile. The kind of smile that makes even your eyes seem alive. I saw that look from you once. Some time ago you looked at me and I knew. I knew that you would hold your breath around me like I do for you now. I would willingly hand you my soul, my heart, every last part of me and even if you crushed it all in your firm hands I wouldn't cry. I would just pick up the pieces and put them right back into your hands again because that way at least I would feel like I am with you. Do you ever notice the silence between us? Not the silence when you read my messages and don't respond, but the silence when we are in the same room? I hang onto every waking moment of that hoping that you will break the stalemate so that I don't have to. For you to end the solitude between us. 'Ya know,  I envy that glass of water that gets to kiss your sleepy lips each morning and that luminescent moon that you spill your heart out to each night, because I want that kind of closeness to you.
When you pray to God do I ever come up? Do you ever ask Him about me? Do you ever pray? Do I even cross your mind at all? I want a love so deep the ocean would be jealous, not a one way mirror where all I see is the reflection of a pathetic me who is mourning over the loss of a love that was never intended to be my own. I have contemplated telling you how I feel. Hell, I've even written it all down word for word ready to click that send button, but I'm not ready for it yet. I'm taking a risk writing this up as it is. If I had to tell you in person oh man trust me my voice would shake, crack, and I would stumble over words. I would feel as though 32 bits of glass had become my teeth and that they would break each and every time I tried to speak only so that I would choose my words even more carefully, but I would do it, because why spend your entire life wondering what could have been.
I can't call this love. It may be or may not be. Everyone has their own definition of it. Some think that love is two people spending their lives together watching sunrises or the star painted skies at night, others think it is waking up at 2 PM next to that special someone after a heck of night laughing at how both of your heads are pounding and how your ears are still ringing from the music. I've never been sure of what my definition of love is or how to even begin to rationalize such a strong feeling, but now I know.
My definition of love, is you.

Wisely, briefly, and truly,
Eleanor Sinclair
2.3k · Jan 2019
Mama
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
Through and through my mother is anorexic
You would be too if your environment was toxic
I can’t help but be sad when I come home late at night
And she’s asleep on the couch with tear stains from a fight
I bring back food from the restaurant I work at
She says she can’t have it because she’s too fat
Eventually she caves and I get her to eat
Fish, broccoli, fries, and red meat
She tells me it’s too late at night to eat snacks
Although she’s a normal weight her bones still sound like they crack
It’s now 1 am and I go to turn off the tv
She quickly wakes up and stairs blankly right at me
“Leave it. And turn the heat on”
She says to me, fighting a yawn
Before I leave I notice the wrappers
A caloric binge had clearly trapped her
And tomorrow I’m sure the cycle will repeat
As the image of my mother withers and retreats
1.9k · Jun 2015
Time
Eleanor Sinclair Jun 2015
Time is an illusion
A mindless exclusion
The best and the worst
The last and the first
The past was a risk
Does the future exist?
It travels one way
All day
Clockwise
Then comes sunrise
Time and space
An endless race
Seconds go by
But why?
Time will end
Space will bend
Perception unravels
The mind, it travels
The thought it takes
Make no mistakes
A theory until
With adequate skill
Proof is found
The truth, unwound
We now know
How it shall go
Always, forever
Through every endeavor
Time is present
Space is pleasant
A partner, a friend
Joined till the end
(Can it exist?
The thought is dismissed)
How does it pass?
1.9k · May 2015
True Night
Eleanor Sinclair May 2015
No one sees true night
Everyone's ignorant
Towards all except light
1.9k · Jul 2018
Missing You
Eleanor Sinclair Jul 2018
No matter how many words I write
I can’t get you out of my head tonight
Or out of my dreams in my bed, alright?
I try to write you away
Yet you stay

You make the sun slowly rise
I see my world in your eyes
1.8k · Oct 2015
Black Hole
Eleanor Sinclair Oct 2015
In the crevice of conflation the planets watch,  
In awe as the worlds collide
Each solar system fusing as one
To create a world unlike any other
Being pulled into a hole in the universe
Darker than the empty night sky
And the lack of stars
The constellations pulled apart
Like strings being snapped
When in an instant
It all stops
For a few mere seconds everything is calm
Until BAM
The self destruction of the colliding worlds
Was a beauty to be marvelled at
Each system seemed to explode
And paint the dreary sky
Creating an array of colors
Forming new strung stars,
Reshaping the old ones
And starting a new life for everything
That once was
Space, the final frontier
1.8k · Apr 2022
Spinning
Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2022
When you've been burned by an old flame
You'll never treat the next the same

Less affectionate
Less intimate

Decathect and fear that I'll end like the last
So you don't try as hard and go rotten from the past

I'm scared to love you the way I loved him
You're the best I've ever had though my psyche is grim

My soul cries to stay but my mind pays the price
Why after it all burns down does the heart become ice
1.7k · Aug 2018
Sunshine?
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
I miss my beam of sunshine tonight
My tears on the pillow reflect penetrating moonlight
Howling and wailing like a rabid creature
How did everything happen to break away so I could no longer reach for you
O’ my sunshine where did you go
My plagued dreams are now full of woe
I miss you more than the winter snow misses the land
The same way I miss the smooth touch of your hand
My days are dark without you around
I still wail to the moon like a lonesome hound
I fell for you harder than I should have allowed
Now instead it’s reversed and at your feet I have bowed
I miss you too much and I’m in so much pain
1.7k · Jan 2019
Gone
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
I have a dilemma in heart and mind
My brain to me is so unkind
Do I suppress my evil thoughts
With a measly prescription, store bought?
I’m staying strong for him
But some days depression wins
And my anger bubbles up
So instead I wash it down with a cup
Of water and a little nauseating pill
It’s blue and powerful, it often makes me ill
I worry to start again
Because I could barely stop back then
It’s not worth the toll
So I flush them down the toilet bowl
1.6k · Jun 2015
Baroque in Stature
Eleanor Sinclair Jun 2015
When the timing's right
As the violins ring
We will all delight
As the angels sing
And the end draws near
With a timeless Ode to Joy,
But there's nothing to fear
O' when the beautiful
End is here
Baroque state of mind
1.4k · Aug 2018
You’ll Be Okay
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
Life is strong and life is tough, but sweetheart so are you

Chin up. You will be happy soon
1.4k · Aug 2018
Stop
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
I'm sick and tired of every liar that crosses my path
Give me a break
And for your own sake take a wooden stake and drive it through your blood thirsty vampire heart
I know you like to see me bleed with each crooked deed I do for you and I fear that I’ll fall into your trap but I’m already wrapped up in those arms
The arms that I once called home
The arms that kept me safe in every place I went
The arms that bent my stick straight spine into a frayed piece of manipulated twine
Which time after time has formed my mind into a cynical beast that can do nothing but feast on the negatives it hears
While also being all ears to the positives that appear
I see the good in everyone except me yet how can it be that I shouldn't get that drink for free
I think so low of myself and my health suffers from it but I get offended when I'm rejected and another pretty doll faced girl is selected over me
You smile when I fall and crawl to your feet like a little puppy after being beat
I scamper and whine for a savior or something divine to intervene and help me find the green light out of here
But it’s dark with no color in sight despite the flicker of my imagination
I go back to fear because that’s all I know now and there are few emotions I can show so how will this work if you constantly irk the angry part of my lying brain
I'm going around round round insane
I'm literally going insane and it's vain for anyone to think they can tell me how to feel or how to heal because if you're not living this battle you have no say so on any given day I have a right to be sad and a right to be mad and if that makes you upset then my best bet would be that you should flee because I'm going to keep being me
I can't live my current life and I don't see any positive end in sight but I'm hanging on tight for you and those who care and even those who just sit blankly and stare
I see you
And you see me
But neither of us say a thing until we've passed
Then the whispers begin and yeah envy is a sin, but I wish I was like you
Normal and happy not constantly sappy waiting for another day to go by so I can pop my pill and get my mental fill for a few seconds before being empty
I'm numb when I'm on drugs and it's hard for me to find pleasure in even the lovely lightening bugs
I used to smile and chase them with bare hands and feet
Now I sit idle and my eyes follow them, glazed over in defeat
I feel like the thoughts seep from my brain and although it sounds lame I often find myself repeating, "What was I going to say?"
I forget how to hang onto a thought or a phrase and I can't even raise an insightful question anymore
I'm only part of me and who I used to be but it's better than constantly being angry
I take this medicine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Hoping one day it'll make me thinner yet I know deep inside that once again I have lied
To myself and my friends and that regardless in the end
No matter what I say there will be someone I offend
Because I'm rude and ruthless and wholly disrespectful
I'm a mess on two legs and dude to tell you the truth I'm a handful
I can barely handle myself or suppress my mean mental health
Oh well, but it ***** being told that you're kind of a bad person
But it's okay because everyone see's it and acknowledges it, so it must just be the way you are
Less than sub par and far from ideal I struggle with what to say and how to feel so it'd be better if I just stopped talking
Yeah, drop it all and stop talking
1.4k · Dec 2018
Just Disappear
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2018
Do I dare say that I wish I was invisible
That people didn’t look at me and on the streets I could walk peacefully
No shady eyes or stares
Perhaps it’s my paranoia and perhaps nobody cares
The thing that gets me the most about life
Is the insurmountable amount of hype
I get it’s a gift and believe me, I’m grateful
But this distasteful existence I lead is starting to get to my head
Like the smell of cigarettes in my mothers car
No matter how far the drive I would hold my breath and hope to survive
I kind of feel like life is this way
Because despite my actions day to day I still wonder why I’m here and what is it that I walk on the street and fear
Is it the people and their perceptions
Or is it me and how I view myself
Fearful of astral projecting it onto everybody else
If they thought of me the way I think of me then holy hell what a different world this would be
I can’t understand why I float about here in space
But in case you were wondering I’m here for love and it doesn’t matter if you call me a disgrace
I think the man I’m in love with is from heaven above
And yes it’s unconventional, after all we live in to separate worlds
But he sees me for me and not my childish comments as a girl
For a second can you think what it would be like to not exist?
That’s a crisis all in itself and scientists are always ****** when you ask them what comes next in life for the dead
They can’t wrap their head around not being here
So they discount the new studies that come out every year
I don’t know what to believe and I really don’t care
Just get me away from this place so I can leave and be fine
I want to disappear like an erased pencil line
1.3k · May 2019
Melody
Eleanor Sinclair May 2019
You were mine
You were my words and my thoughts
The whisper in my ear
Singing to me a song only I was blessed enough to hear
But the melody faded,
Dissipated into nothing but a hum
Now I dully strain to make the song remain
Yet it has grown so quiet
That when I try, all I hear is rain
1.2k · Nov 2018
Written for me:
Eleanor Sinclair Nov 2018
I told my love recently that he never writes for me
He claimed it was because of his insecurity
The English language is complex
I agree, but it requires thought and what comes next
So my love then began to think
And with his words he made my heart sink
In a way that was full of emotion
And it renewed my everlasting devotion
He wrote for me
A piece of poetry:
"Your eyes sparkle,
Sparkle like a thousand fireworks,
and I marvel like a little kid,
Looking into your beautiful green eyes
like a lushes forest.
Hoping to get lost with you in the wild"
1.1k · Aug 2018
Searching
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
When the lights dim and the music gets loud
I search for your face that I lost in the crowd
I sway back and fourth to the sound of the beat
My hips constant motion matches the rhythm of my feet
And I survey the dance floor looking for a suitor
But I know you’ll dance with me no matter what and not her
The music penetrates my soul and mind
You’re the only body I want to find
Pull me close and never let me go
Take me out to every late show
And I’ll dance with you from the night till the dawn
And we’ll never have a dull moment or the faintest yawn
We’ll party like it’s 1983
And at the fading of the music I’ll get to take you home with me
And if I’m lucky you’ll spend the night
We’ll wake up together from the sunbeams of light
And we’ll do it all over again
When we can
Because honey your body pressed up again mine
Is nothing short of blissful, divine
And feeling your heat radiate through me
Is better than a sedative or a tranquilizer at subduing me
I call your name in my head in the club
In anticipation of seeing you my thoughts blow up
And I can’t wait till our eyes meet once more
I knew I wanted you the moment you walked through that door
Dance with me under the moon and the sun
Come on baby, the night is still young
1.1k · Feb 2019
Droplets
Eleanor Sinclair Feb 2019
The waves crashed as my knees buckled so straight
I could hear my inner thoughts screaming “it’s already too late!”
The water, so jagged and blunt with force
Threw me and my mind fully off course
The amplitude had ceased yet the water remained
No matter how hard I tried some parts were not drained
I suppose to me you’re like the droplets of water
Those little bits that aren’t really a bother
But no matter what I know that they’re there
I really feel them when my soul is quite bare
And no matter how I try to dry them
They have become a part of me like a flower to its stem
1.1k · Jan 2019
Hurtful
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
Anger brings out a side of people
Perhaps one that hasn’t been seen
But then again it’s useful
It makes the slate start clean

I have a motto now
I’ll live each day for me
I’m done trying to satisfy the thirsty man
And portraying what he wants me to be

Let’s be honest I should’ve seen this coming
After all he wasn’t mine
But God it shouldn’t of hurt like this
And I shouldn’t be silently crying
987 · Jun 2015
Lost?
Eleanor Sinclair Jun 2015
One cut here
A single burn there
No one will notice
No one will care
Ignore the pain
The scars we bare
The sorrow filled thoughts
The stories we share
But ask for help?
No one would dare
Suffer in silence
The world is unfair
A happy person?
The sight is rare
Maybe a deceptive smile
Warning, beware
If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. You are not in this fight alone
984 · Aug 2018
Recurring
Eleanor Sinclair Aug 2018
Then with all her strength
And all her might
She attempted again
To take her life

But to no avail
Again she failed
Sorry it’s short
984 · Mar 2019
Lovely pain
Eleanor Sinclair Mar 2019
How can the thing that brings me joy also bring me pain?
You’re like a new toy but every time I touch it my skin gets stained
I wish I could cut my heart out to numb the hurt
But I know you’d shove my wound full of dirt
You still pull my strings and I listen to what you say
I’d do anything for you just to make you stay
Why do I still love you this intensely?
Why do I still hang on to something that was never meant to be?
934 · Dec 2018
Water
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2018
Your eyes are like the ocean
Your words are like the sea
I can't help but fall in love with you
As your waves wash over me
Eleanor Sinclair Mar 2019
You once wrote of life without me

You mentioned, "our eternal love for one another"
And yet some how eternal was far shorter than expected

I was upon the water when I was with you
Now I drown beneath the waves
With low tide no where in site

I was far more in your reach than you knew
But I suppose we will never know what could have been
I forget what it is like to breathe above the liquid loss I feel without you beside me
And no matter how many times I tell myself that I will be okay and I will move on
There are still times that my heart breaks and shatters and I shriek into the endless sky
Far more endless without you

What we had was infinity and now it is so finite
The further we got the more it crumbled in my hands
And I am so sorry
And I am so sad
And I am so stupid for letting my emotions take control and ruin what we had

We were the future
And we were the Omega

Now we are the past
And now we are history
857 · May 2015
Life and Death
Eleanor Sinclair May 2015
Everything
Will be okay
The end will come
Just not today
The strength you show
You can't let go
You have to fight
To win tonight
I love you. Stay strong
813 · Feb 2021
Crack
Eleanor Sinclair Feb 2021
"Just remember when you think you're free, that crack in your heart is me"

But I'll never be free from your company
My mind circles around you aimlessly
You know, Manson seems to know a thing or two
The crack in my heart will always be you
801 · Dec 2018
You feel like the sun
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2018
The way you wash your hands makes me wish I was between them
I don’t profess to know the future but for it you’re my stem
My bed seems empty unless it contains your light
And when I sleep with you I’m sure I will forget the night
The words you speak are unlike others and I know they’re always true
In the end no matter what it will always be me and you
I only feel alive when I see you in my view
But when you’re not around then my thoughts will have to do
768 · May 2018
Disorder
Eleanor Sinclair May 2018
She hung by a thread to her sanity
Constantly staring in the mirror she realized her vanity
But if what they call her is "vain"
Then there must be more than one definition to that name
Because her sense of self is "skewed" and "inaccurate"
But to her it's all she knows and she's quite aspirant
Ready for change and to be a new version of herself
Hardly caring about her deteriorating health
Walking into the health club already exhausted
Not understanding how much it has costed
Not with money or credit but with physical wellbeing
Not heeding her body's warnings or in the mirror seeing
Her hair is thin and no longer growing in places
She compares her pale skin to the other people's faces
She puts ******* down her throat in the hope to purge up a candy bar
Convinced her calorie count was taken too far
Her nails chip far too easy
And the thought of eating makes her queezy
Yet the stress encompassing her life pushes her to binge
Hundreds into thousands the floodgates unhinge
Never for sustenance, always for taste
Each and every calorie is a ginormous waste
She collapsed on the Stairmill and in embarrassment and rage
Exited the gym floor as though it were left-center stage
With poise and a smile she laughed as they stared
She grabbed all her gear and left as they glared
When she got to the car she was nothing but angry
Pushing too hard her body sat blankly
Breathing was difficult and by speaking she was pained
Every ounce of her life force felt utterly drained
Her skin can no longer take the lack of nutrition
And her eyes are wavering as she tries to focus her vision
She used to be a student with straight A intent
But all she can think about is the next meal and its scent
Forgetting the most basic things about her day
She forgets how to write and takes a derivative the wrong way
People look puzzled as she waves off their concerns
While in her stomach and throat a deep hunger burns
She stares once again at her monstrous reflection
Grabbing and poking at her bulging midsection
Now huddled on the ground she stares at the ceiling
Entering a loose dreamy feeling
On the brink of unconsciousness she extends her hand skyward
Only then realizing that down to her soul she is tired
766 · Dec 2014
Run Away, Baby
Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2014
As she walked through town
She looked around
Only to realize
She was alone
Incased in her sadness
Looking for a way out
And by abandoning sadness
She would have nothing left
752 · Jan 2019
Waiting
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
I miss you like the wind does the leaves
But when spring comes, once again they will meet
744 · May 2019
Save me
Eleanor Sinclair May 2019
It is on the nights, when I can think,
That there is nothing left for me to do
But drown, panic, sink
This music around me changes the scene
I can't figure out how to feel
My mind is so mean
Please save me from what I am fighting
I miss your warm touch
Please save me from dying
Please be my crutch
739 · May 2015
Je ne sais pas
Eleanor Sinclair May 2015
Like the mysterious ocean
A life without a price
The water a potion,
Like evil, entice
When stripped of emotion
To veins they splice
The mindless devotion
Hearts made of ice
Ingrown commotion
Stuck in their vice

Captain Nemo who thought,
The truth.
And Fontaneda who sought,
The fountain of youth

Like moths to a flame
Envisioned
The same
734 · Apr 2019
Passing
Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2019
Today I am at peace

I released a few crippling thoughts
and the apologies I finally wanted to give
It brings a smile to my face how each day felt like a race up until this moment
I feel calm and serene
For once I don't want to shout or fall down and scream
And I thank you for being willing to listen
728 · Jan 2019
Blue
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
I think about you daily
Perhaps too much, maybe
Do you think of me as I do for you?
I’m lost without Us and my days are blue
710 · Mar 2019
Wonder
Eleanor Sinclair Mar 2019
My tears are liquid ice
Cold to the touch and full of vice
They symbolize what we had
And the way we were so good yet so bad
I loved you with all my being
Now I am stuck here daydreaming
Of a time when it was your hand I was holding
Before my mistakes stepped in and it started molding
Into something different than before
I don’t know what the future has in store
But oh how I hope to God we can be Us again
I guess I’ll just continue to wonder when
709 · Mar 2019
I Say
Eleanor Sinclair Mar 2019
I tell myself not to love you
I say I'm done for good
But then I think of you
And to forget you, I wish I could
I've loved you for so long
And so deeply and so fond
I always seem to lose myself when singing to our song
I often imagine I'm with you in my waking time
It's even better in my dreams
Your presence feels real, sublime
I kissed you two nights ago at a quarter past 3:00
And when I woke to find your lips weren't there on mine
I sighed and felt my heart was heavy
708 · Feb 2016
A Love So Great
Eleanor Sinclair Feb 2016
The future holds
A story untold
Happy release
A love at least
Deep desire
Inside burns a fire
For a love so rich
To savor a kiss
Two lives forever
Joined through every endeavor
The future unknown
A happiness, grown
In the end it's the same
Through the sun or through rain
I love you now more than ever
We'll always be together
Stay by my side
And I'll never leave you behind
Love me, I pray
My shining ray
Your shimmering eyes
Look deep into mine
You're my start
and end
My love
and friend
A lot is too little
Let's meet in the middle
My emotions soar
Fortissimo, roar
Feelings that never go away
I'll love you tomorrow
And more each day
705 · Jan 2019
Lovely
Eleanor Sinclair Jan 2019
There were cracks of light through darkness
But the rain it still came through
There’s no more need to worry
Because now my light is you
704 · Apr 2022
Seattle
Eleanor Sinclair Apr 2022
I moved to Seattle for the rain and the clouds
The water drenching my window
And the dark nights filled with wind so loud

I moved to Seattle to experience changes
To watch the grey accumulation
Slowly form over the mountain ranges

I moved to Seattle for it's predictable weather
So when the rain hit the windows
The sky and I could cry together
677 · May 2019
I miss you, my Swan
Eleanor Sinclair May 2019
Some days, the pain without you
Exceeds what I can handle
Honey you were the light of my life
My eternal burning candle
And the flame grew dull with every thing I added
I was stupid to do that
And to be honest, relationships? I'm bad at it!

I often feel a slight pain on the surface of my heart
Who am I kidding, it runs deeper than that
Where do I even start?

I wish I could be with you each dusk and dawn
To see you there with me, beside me
There you were, and now you're gone
668 · Feb 2021
Endless
Eleanor Sinclair Feb 2021
You stole my heart with your silver tongue
with a voice so sweet from your crimson lungs
I beg for a day when my dreams don't consist of you
I lose sleep looking into your eyes, light blue
What's worse is the feeling that you'll never be mine
so I drown my heart in a bottle of wine
No liquor can remove the taste of your lips
or the warmth of my cheeks when your hands touch my hips
Maybe I'll forget how you laugh and you smell
but they pain you brought me... I'll take that with me to Hell
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