I’m tired of lying that things will work out
I’m tired of telling myself that “Today will
         be the day”
I’m tired of drifting through this world
         feeling so alone
I’m tired of pretending I’m completely OK

I’m tired of learning how to be strong
I’m tired of striving to be something
         I’m not
I’m tired of putting my faith in the things
         unknown
I’m tired of hoping ‘cause hope’s all I got

I’m tired of slowly forgetting all of the
          good times
I’m tired of wondering if my chance at
          love is gone
I’m tired of waiting for someone to
          save me
I’m tired of singing, for I sing for no one

I’m tired of wishing she could love me
           the same
I’m tired of feeling as though I’ve
           forgotten how to feel
I’m tired of “best friends” that never get
           to know me
I’m tired of thinking any chance of my
           happiness is unreal

I’m tired of this world where both the
           light and the darkness reject me
I’m tired of realizing that my best is
           never good enough
I’m tired of being defined by factors
           that I’ve never controlled
I’m tired of making excuses for why all
            I do is ruin stuff

I guess what I’m trying to say is this:

I’m tired of being tired
And I’m tired of waking up

Yet another attempt to recreate our trio of faces
A red rippled reflection reminds me of the time:
Two hands up
My visage confronts me as
One bitter taste of giving up reaches my lips
So close yet again..
Just one face missing

“Where is it I must go?”,
I ask my mirror’s reflection
Is there truly something missing,
Or do I miss imperfection?
I’ve yet to wander far enough
To dull my soul’s reverberations

My body, a holy temple fueled by resounding purpose

GONGG…..GONGG…..GONGG…..

Do I truly know my calling,
Or is my longing just a comfort?
If I am grateful for my life,
Should I worry time is too short
To spend any of my days
Without some type of progress to report?

I worry I am drifting asleep. I need to wake up before it’s too late

GONGG…..GONGG…..

What if I gave it up?
I fear it might end really bad
Would the universe reject me
And crumble everything I had,
Make sure that I was forced
To fulfill some sort of soul contract?

If I knew which one was my opponent, I could be prepared to fight

GONGG…..

I wonder, will I ever make it?
Is there even an “it” to make?
If there is something I desire,
Then is it something I will create?
Do I focus on my blessings
Or on a treasure that might be fake?

I ask for a sign that I am doing the right thing

…..

Oh, long lost Melody,
Antagonize me with your cadence:
That song, dripping from the tip of my tongue
I know you- but not well enough to know how you went

How one moment we were finishing each other’s sentences
But then the very next- I never got the memo I guess-
We switched to syncopation as if I was just supposed to know
The things you loved about me would become my greatest downfall

How foolish was I to think a crescendo would lack a diminuendo
How much stupider was I to think I could still remain your friend though
For how could we have a song without our melody:
Those notes we no longer sing but still remain a part of me

As the itch I can’t scratch or the tip of my tongue-
The parts of me that realize there’s something that I must be missing..

I can only speculate it would be easier
If I never had embodied her personality
Cause in my attempt to appease her
I made her into a part of me

And maybe that was my first red flag:
That a mirror was my most alluring
        persona
If she was a spill then I was her rag
For I had no space within me for anything
        once she was soaked up

And I’m not saying I regret it
Allowing her laugh to ignite my soul
And though I’ve tried, I’ll never forget it
The best parts of her have made me whole

She made me courageous, flirtatious
She taught me the meaning of nobility
How to take every happy moment and
        own it
And how to truly appreciate my God-
        given abilities

Even though I made a handful of mistakes
Like that time I let my anger get the best of
        me
She loved me through my darkest days
And she forever cooled my temper’s heat

But perhaps the hardest thing to wrap my
        mind around is how-
How am I supposed to ever love someone
        else
When I can’t help but compare them to her
        even now
Don’t get me wrong I did this to myself

When I stole some parts of her
In order to create the best parts of me
How could anyone ever measure up
When I was literally made for her, you see

It’s harder than one might think
To ever imagine doing that again
Taking another’s personality
To create an even better me when-

She’s the greatest person I have ever met
        in my life
And after having spent 9 long years loving her
I really don’t understand how I can ever
        expect anyone else to simply be
           second best
When everyday the mirror reminds me of
        how I must live without her forever

Okay, I’ll admit it-
Maybe I don’t love you
Because when I saw how his gaucheness made you chortle-
How his mundanity carved your dimples,
I could feel every winged insect inside of me shrivel up and plunge into my deepest cavity.

I know love isn’t self seeking-
But is it so wrong to feel cheated when I once owned the patent to your smile?

To be mundane and in love is all I could ask for,
Simple minded in my pleasures instead of always striving to get more

To be content with my shortcomings as if they never even existed,
Dreaming towards such grounded goals, so attainable I could not miss it

My one true wish is for simpler bliss- a lower bar for jubilation
So that I might have an actual chance to experience self-actualization

Is this normal-
How I feel
When I’m thinking of you and your pictures with him on Facebook?
Is it nomal-
How it fills me with rage when he gives you that little look
I don’t think his heart drops the same way when
He looks in your eyes-
Butterflies can’t compare the way I feel

I promise my darling
That it hurts
When he’s holding your hand and his smile carves your dimples
Yeah, it hurts
That you can’t love me the same
Why can’t it be that simple?
You own a piece of my soul so I
Could never be whole
We all have a pain,
Mine has a name because it’s you

And I can’t stand to be that man
You only call when you’re lonely that
He don’t have the time to spend on you-
Or almost anyone..
And I don’t think my heart could be more numb than when I’m with you babe
We all have a pain-
Mine’s got a name.

Ain’t it crazy
How I’m still
Hung over in love that we coul’ve had but missed it?
Yes, it’s true
I’m fighting a battle you’ve never known existed
You’ve got your problems you deal with
And I do too
We all have a pain-
Mine has a name because it’s you

I wonder if there’s still a chance
For future mutual romance
Maybe time could be the key-
Or pull the rug so then you’d fall for me
And I wish that my three words
Could charm your lips to return the phrase
“I love you the same”..
But that’s just not our fate

I know it’s true
It’s only you-
The one who’d tear my heart in two
Once piece that longs to be happy
And one that morns eternally
Altogether I know I’m better off forgetting my worst mistake
My number one pain
Has got a name

My pain has a name
And it’s insane
That it’s you

And for the night,
I smiled as I sipped the drips
from my sorrows' tourniquet.
But, if only it were easier in the morn
To wrestle with the darkness-
Or perhaps the light..
At least my darkness isn’t conveniently pocket-sized

And I’m still not sure how I would’ve better inveigled your affection:
If I would’ve been a little less like me
Or if I would’ve been a little more like him

And I’m certainly sure I could’ve come to a perfunctory conclusion by now if I were dealing with a dichotomy
But some things just aren’t that simple
And I guess if romance were rudimentary, I wouldn’t have spent my life whole life searching

And I sure would love to wonder why it’s inevitable that everyone who pronounces their attraction to me for my personality ends up leaving me in the dust for a cheap doppelgänger
But in order for me to wonder, I’d have to truly believe that my personality beckoned attraction..
Perhaps my insecurities have been the silent assailant of my dreams all along

I’m sure I could learn how to be strong and love myself
I’m sure that if I embraced rejection I could find someone who would give me a real chance
But I just don’t have that kind of strength in me today
And when every day is the same **** struggle, I really don’t know if I’ll ever truly have any “tomorrows”

I will live the rest of my life becoming the best me that I could possibly be.,
Proving every day that I could never be enough in the most glamorous way that I could ever know how to do it.
I will become a true mosaic of hopelessness.

Tell me that I matter so that it makes less sense.
Ingrain the knowledge of my true worth inside of me so that I cannot deny that my lack of love and life is outside of my control.
Inspire me to inspire you, to wring every last drop of my passions onto the fire of your fears.
Take the rest of the life that's left in me, and cherish me as the light you never knew you needed-
The light she never needed.

I will live out the rest of my days feeling loved by everyone
EXCEPT for the people who I love so much.

I will break the cycle.
They'll never see it coming.

I should have learned by now that there aren’t any “signs”-
Any sort of supernatural clues that hint I should make
      someone mine
And I should have guarded myself the first night we met
We saw so many shooting stars I almost lost count of them

I quadrupled the amount of shooting stars I’ve ever seen
And we laid so peaceful next to each other while you lost your
      falling star virginity
Not a single time that night did I think to make a wish
Because feeling loved beside you brought back the feeling I have
      missed

But that feeling and I soon went our separate ways
As I slowly noticed you weren’t eager to hang out most days
That I was that call when you were drunk or lonely,
An afterthought, and I was supposed to respect that completely.

Shame on me, you said, for saying the same way you treat me is
      how I am going to treat you-
That we can continue to be “back pocket” friends, tried and true
I never wanted being true to who I am to interfere with what we
      had,
But I couldn’t stay quiet while inside I felt so sad

You made me feel stupid and clingy for asking for your time
I felt like I was the idiot for trying to make you mine-
To be more than that guy you sleep with when you want someone
      to hold you
If I wanted this all to be casual, I just would have told you

And now at times I wish I wouldn’t have told you
How begging for your time made me feel so ugly and blue
I wish I would have gritted my teeth and stayed quiet
So that maybe in your own time you would treat me with respect

And maybe that’s what I should have wished for upon those
      shooting stars
That God would’ve kept you and I together or that he would
      prepare our hearts
To understand each other and love each other and work through
      our problems-
Act like adults instead of fighting and crying when you made us
      be done

I know what I’ll wish on my next falling star
That you would miss me or call me- not change who you are-
But that you being you and me doing me would work out in the
      end
That we could be together without either of us having to pretend

I hope that’s not too much to ask for- not suppressing my feelings
Or being able to speak my mind without having you hate me
Was it really necessary that you block me after you were offended
If you ever loved me the same, it never would have ended

But I refuse to compromise who I am or what I want
I’ll never accept less from a friend whether I love them or not
I guess what I learned is to never love someone until I really know
      em
And that’s why I write yet another sad poem

It’s 3:09
And if everything was fine
Then I would be sound asleep by now wouldn’t I?

But just like my potential
I’ve ignored my sleep schedule
That I might collapse wide awake to ponder ”Why?”

Isn’t it comforting to think that we are all connected by these same stars?
Though some of us may be may be separated-
      by distance
      by heartbreak
      by death..
when we look up into the night sky, we all see those same divine stars
                      that same glowing moon
         That same lurking darkness that has NEVER been able to withhold from us the purity of the heavenly bodies which it contains

Think about the people we once were
The brilliance of these stars reaches even across time itself in order to craft a bridge connecting who we were with who we are and who we ever will be
so that- as long as we remain underneath these timeless stars, we are united by the efforts of 10,000 selves
United by all sixty-seven times our hearts      
                        are shattered
             by every passion or desire we         
                       will ever discover
United by every existential silence that
         reveals the world to us in a new light

Perhaps the night sky is truly the greatest
         Present that time has given us
In this world where every moment has no    
         other destiny but to be swept away
          by the tide of time,
The night sky remains the one constant we may study in order to connect with the entire genealogy of human kind

While I lay underneath these stars,
     though I may be lonely
I find comfort in the fact that I may never
      truly be alone

There's times I think of her and want to burst into tears
Waist deep in nostalgia where I recollect the years
And strain myself to think upon just how far I've come
But the closer I get to her, the more she seem to drive me away.

Just when I think I'm able to see into her very soul
And find a meeting ground for her destiny and mine
Life becomes an intersection where there she dare decide:
Walls up, shut out, can't let anyone inside.

This recurring question keeps festering on my mind:
Who am I to her that she may cast me aside,
Throw me into the dust, and move on with her life
Without even hurting a little inside?

Everytime I gaze into her eyes,
A piece of me crumbles before her feet
And with her smile she stomps out the sparks of anything that had potential.

Every moment that passes by
I fear I lose more than just a best friend,
But parts of myself are locked into a box
And burried deep beneath the ocean of her eyes.

Where does one find rest when every hope has been slain,
Your body emptied of all its contents
Leaving nothing but tears and pain?

Do I raise a dagger with the intent to try and cut away
The parts of me that cannot live without my friend today?
Or tie a noose so I may hang to dry
The tears that soak my wrinkled shirt
Could I beckon death with an open hand to come and halt this hurt.

Or do I stay and watch from afar
As agony posses this cadaver,
Brings him back to life and forces him to trod bruised up this mountain we call life?