I should have learned by now that there aren’t any “signs”-
Any sort of supernatural clues that hint I should make
And I should have guarded myself the first night we met
We saw so many shooting stars I almost lost count of them
I quadrupled the amount of shooting stars I’ve ever seen
And we laid so peaceful next to each other while you lost your
falling star virginity
Not a single time that night did I think to make a wish
Because feeling loved beside you brought back the feeling I have
But that feeling and I soon went our separate ways
As I slowly noticed you weren’t eager to hang out most days
That I was that call when you were drunk or lonely,
An afterthought, and I was supposed to respect that completely.
Shame on me, you said, for saying the same way you treat me is
how I am going to treat you-
That we can continue to be “back pocket” friends, tried and true
I never wanted being true to who I am to interfere with what we
But I couldn’t stay quiet while inside I felt so sad
You made me feel stupid and clingy for asking for your time
I felt like I was the idiot for trying to make you mine-
To be more than that guy you sleep with when you want someone
to hold you
If I wanted this all to be casual, I just would have told you
And now at times I wish I wouldn’t have told you
How begging for your time made me feel so **** and blue
I wish I would have gritted my teeth and stayed quiet
So that maybe in your own time you would treat me with respect
And maybe that’s what I should have wished for upon those
That God would’ve kept you and I together or that he would
prepare our hearts
To understand each other and love each other and work through
Act like adults instead of fighting and crying when you made us
I know what I’ll wish on my next falling star
That you would miss me or call me- not change who you are-
But that you being you and me doing me would work out in the
That we could be together without either of us having to pretend
I hope that’s not too much to ask for- not suppressing my feelings
Or being able to speak my mind without having you hate me
Was it really necessary that you block me after you were offended
If you ever loved me the same, it never would have ended
But I refuse to compromise who I am or what I want
I’ll never accept less from a friend whether I love them or not
I guess what I learned is to never love someone until I really know
And that’s why I write yet another sad poem
Ready to explode
Wait a minute, don’t leave me
Things will get butter
Darling, where are you?
I have so much love to give
If I could find you.
I never was yours
So love me how you used to
Hoaxing my daft soul.
She really did fool me.
I finally tracked him down: the person within me who could live without you
So I made him a cup of tea and he began to prattle
About the demonic conductor of my symphonic heartbeats,
And the chthonic tranquility you once deposited into my life stream.
He sniggered at how, even now, I still attempt to draw from that diluted reservoir
In an attempt to discover anything more glorious that a utopian delusion,
An unwarranted euphoria derived from what someone might call the “good times”-
If I gave you the benefit of the doubt and admitted there really was a time your love wasn’t fictitious.
But, I digress
Because I wish you the best
Even if the good times discarded are times I should regret
There was a time when you uncovered my covert capacity for unexpurgated bliss-
The likes of which I had dismissed
As myth or at the very least unrealistic to attain.
Even if all of the solace I find in our memories is disingenuous,
I still thank you for way you fooled me.
And that’s why I screamed at him.
After the nightcap, I chased him out of the house for even flirting with the idea of his own existence.
For I have not the fortitude to meet with him for more than just a few moments.
Right now, I choose to cherish our memories until I forget that I love you,
Until the day I’ll be ready to unite with my harbinger of recovery.
God, why does nothing make me feel alive anymore-
I’ve nothing to wile me into contentment-
The way existence seemed so zoetic as I’ve chased after lovers through a garden of futility
I just wish I could trick myself into happiness.. even if it were temporary.. even if it would destroy me....
Because everyday I rediscover living is so dark and so cold and ever so lonely
Oh, long lost Melody,
Antagonize me with your cadence:
That song, dripping from the tip of my tongue
I know you- but not enough to know how you went
How one moment we were finishing each other’s sentences
But then the very next- I never got the memo I guess-
We switched to syncopation as if I was just supposed to know
The things you loved about me would become my biggest downfall.
How stupid was I to think a crescendo would lack a diminuendo
How much stupider was I to think I could still remain your friend though
For how could we have a song without our melody:
Those notes I no longer sing, but still remain a part of me
As the itch I can’t scratch or the tip of my tongue-
The parts of me that realize there’s something that I must be missing