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Alec Astaire Feb 10
I'm so sad. I'm so sorry.
This time unlike before.
I am absolutely certain I can't do this anymore.

I no longer wanna be happy.
There's no soul left in me to aspire.
If giving up is punishable, then throw me in the Fire.

I know Heaven's not for me,
And even if it is, I don't wanna go.
Please let me leave in peace..
That thing I've never known.
Alec Astaire Feb 2
I can't forgive you
For making me give up hope
Thank you. I am free
Alec Astaire Feb 2
I will live the rest of my life becoming the best me that I could possibly be.,
Proving every day that I could never be enough in the most glamorous way that I could ever know how to do it.
I will become a true mosaic of hopelessness.

Tell me that I matter so that it makes less sense.
Ingrain the knowledge of my true worth inside of me so that I cannot deny that my lack of love and life is outside of my control.
Inspire me to inspire you, to wring every last drop of my passions onto the fire of your fears.
Take the rest of the life that's left in me, and cherish me as the light you never knew you needed-
The light she never needed.

I will live out the rest of my days feeling loved by everyone
EXCEPT for the people who I love so much.

I will break the cycle.
They'll never see it coming.
Alec Astaire Sep 2020
History repeats
I could never be worthy
..But for you, I’ll try
Trying to love someone when you don’t love yourself is so hard.. I just want to stop sabotaging myself..
Alec Astaire May 2020
To be mundane and in love is all I could ask for,
Simple minded in my pleasures instead of always striving to get more

To be content with my shortcomings as if they never even existed,
Dreaming towards such grounded goals, so attainable I could not miss it

My one true wish is for simpler bliss- a lower bar for jubilation
So that I might have an actual chance to experience self-actualization
Alec Astaire Jul 2019
I should have learned by now that there aren’t any “signs”-
Any sort of supernatural clues that hint I should make
      someone mine
And I should have guarded myself the first night we met
We saw so many shooting stars I almost lost count of them

I quadrupled the amount of shooting stars I’ve ever seen
And we laid so peaceful next to each other while you lost your
      falling star virginity
Not a single time that night did I think to make a wish
Because feeling loved beside you brought back the feeling I have
      missed

But that feeling and I soon went our separate ways
As I slowly noticed you weren’t eager to hang out most days
That I was that call when you were drunk or lonely,
An afterthought, and I was supposed to respect that completely.

Shame on me, you said, for saying the same way you treat me is
      how I am going to treat you-
That we can continue to be “back pocket” friends, tried and true
I never wanted being true to who I am to interfere with what we
      had,
But I couldn’t stay quiet while inside I felt so sad

You made me feel stupid and clingy for asking for your time
I felt like I was the idiot for trying to make you mine-
To be more than that guy you sleep with when you want someone
      to hold you
If I wanted this all to be casual, I just would have told you

And now at times I wish I wouldn’t have told you
How begging for your time made me feel so ugly and blue
I wish I would have gritted my teeth and stayed quiet
So that maybe in your own time you would treat me with respect

And maybe that’s what I should have wished for upon those
      shooting stars
That God would’ve kept you and I together or that he would
      prepare our hearts
To understand each other and love each other and work through
      our problems-
Act like adults instead of fighting and crying when you made us
      be done

I know what I’ll wish on my next falling star
That you would miss me or call me- not change who you are-
But that you being you and me doing me would work out in the
      end
That we could be together without either of us having to pretend

I hope that’s not too much to ask for- not suppressing my feelings
Or being able to speak my mind without having you hate me
Was it really necessary that you block me after you were offended
If you ever loved me the same, it never would have ended

But I refuse to compromise who I am or what I want
I’ll never accept less from a friend whether I love them or not
I guess what I learned is to never love someone until I really know
      em
And that’s why I write yet another sad poem
Alec Astaire Mar 2019
Ready to explode
Wait a minute, don’t leave me
Things will get butter
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