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Alec Astaire Jan 22
I never was yours
So love me how you used to
Hoaxing my daft soul.
She really did fool me.
Alec Astaire Nov 2018
I finally tracked him down: the person within me who could live without you
So I made him a cup of tea and he began to prattle
About the demonic conductor of my symphonic heartbeats,
And the chthonic tranquility you once deposited into my life stream.
He sniggered at how, even now, I still attempt to draw from that diluted reservoir
In an attempt to discover anything more glorious that a utopian delusion,
An unwarranted euphoria derived from what someone might call the “good times”-
If I gave you the benefit of the doubt and admitted there really was a time your love wasn’t fictitious.
But, I digress
Because I wish you the best
Even if the good times discarded are times I should regret
There was a time when you uncovered my covert capacity for unexpurgated bliss-
The likes of which I had dismissed
As myth or at the very least unrealistic to attain.
Even if all of the solace I find in our memories is disingenuous,
I still thank you for way you fooled me.
And that’s why I screamed at him.
After the nightcap, I chased him out of the house for even flirting with the idea of his own existence.
For I have not the fortitude to meet with him for more than just a few moments.
Right now, I choose to cherish our memories until I forget that I love you,
Until the day I’ll be ready to unite with my harbinger of recovery.
Alec Astaire Nov 2018
God, why does nothing make me feel alive anymore-

I’ve nothing to wile me into contentment-
The way existence seemed so zoetic as I’ve chased after lovers through a garden of futility

I just wish I could trick myself into happiness.. even if it were temporary.. even if it would destroy me....

Because everyday I rediscover living is so dark and so cold and ever so lonely
Alec Astaire Sep 2018
Oh, long lost Melody,
Antagonize me with your cadence:
That song, dripping from the tip of my tongue
I know you- but not enough to know how you went

How one moment we were finishing each other’s sentences
But then the very next- I never got the memo I guess-
We switched to syncopation as if I was just supposed to know
The things you loved about me would become my biggest downfall.

How ****** was I to think a crescendo would lack a diminuendo
How much stupider was I to think I could still remain your friend though
For how could we have a song without our melody:
Those notes I no longer sing, but still remain a part of me

As the itch I can’t scratch or the tip of my tongue-
The parts of me that realize there’s something that I must be missing
Alec Astaire Sep 2018
I can’t look into your eyes anymore
Because they don’t lie
the way that I could
When I realize I’m irrelevant
And how you are moving on I guess
I have to pretend that I’m over you too

But how could I just let this die
And leave you behind
When you’re all that I’ve wanted
That mystery
Of what we could be
Resonates with the parts of me that still dream

I won’t look into your eyes anymore
But oh how I covet your stare
That hellish gaze
Reminds me for days
Of how I was passionately nothing more than your fleeting memory

And I’d love to stop wishing every night
For my dichotomy of fantasies:
That love might give us another chance
Or that I could stop hearing the melody behind our memories

How can I just let this die
And leave you behind
When you harmonize with my soul
Your every note
Are songs I wrote
Long before they had names or I even knew yours

I’ve never wanted to look into your eyes any more
Than when I think of the love we should’ve had
If I had set aside my pride,
Or if you had really tried
To breathe so my love didn’t smother you

Do you think that I could let this die
And leave you behind
If I channeled my heart into moving on?
If I listened to your enemies
Maybe then a part of me
Wouldn’t forfeit the battle of forgetting your face

I know that I should really try
To say goodbye
To the ghost of the idea of who you are
But I think it’s my will
For her to haunt me still
So there’s a chance I might unite the ghost with your body
..So that one day you really could love me.
Alec Astaire Apr 2018
And I’m still not sure how I would’ve better inveigled your affection:
If I would’ve been a little less like me
Or if I would’ve been a little more like him

And I’m certainly sure I could’ve come to a perfunctory conclusion by now if I were dealing with a dichotomy
But some things just aren’t that simple
And I guess if romance were rudimentary, I wouldn’t have spent my life whole life searching

And I sure would love to wonder why it’s inevitable that everyone who pronounces their attraction to me for my personality ends up leaving me in the dust for a cheap doppelgänger
But in order for me to wonder, I’d have to truly believe that my personality beckoned attraction..
Perhaps my insecurities have been the silent assailant of my dreams all along

I’m sure I could learn how to be strong and love myself
I’m sure that if I embraced rejection I could find someone who would give me a real chance
But I just don’t have that kind of strength in me today
And when every day is the same **** struggle, I really don’t know if I’ll ever truly have any “tomorrows”
Alec Astaire Apr 2018
It’s 3:09
And if everything was fine
Then I would be sound asleep by now wouldn’t I?

But just like my potential
I’ve ignored my sleep schedule
That I might collapse wide awake to ponder ”Why?”
Just wanted to write another before attempting sleep
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