I finally tracked him down: the person within me who could live without you So I made him a cup of tea and he began to prattle About the demonic conductor of my symphonic heartbeats, And the chthonic tranquility you once deposited into my life stream. He sniggered at how, even now, I still attempt to draw from that diluted reservoir In an attempt to discover anything more glorious that a utopian delusion, An unwarranted euphoria derived from what someone might call the “good times”- If I gave you the benefit of the doubt and admitted there really was a time your love wasn’t fictitious. But, I digress Because I wish you the best Even if the good times discarded are times I should regret There was a time when you uncovered my covert capacity for unexpurgated bliss- The likes of which I had dismissed As myth or at the very least unrealistic to attain. Even if all of the solace I find in our memories is disingenuous, I still thank you for way you fooled me. And that’s why I screamed at him. After the nightcap, I chased him out of the house for even flirting with the idea of his own existence. For I have not the fortitude to meet with him for more than just a few moments. Right now, I choose to cherish our memories until I forget that I love you, Until the day I’ll be ready to unite with my harbinger of recovery.
Oh, long lost Melody, Antagonize me with your cadence: That song, dripping from the tip of my tongue I know you- but not enough to know how you went
How one moment we were finishing each other’s sentences But then the very next- I never got the memo I guess- We switched to syncopation as if I was just supposed to know The things you loved about me would become my biggest downfall.
How ****** was I to think a crescendo would lack a diminuendo How much stupider was I to think I could still remain your friend though For how could we have a song without our melody: Those notes I no longer sing, but still remain a part of me
As the itch I can’t scratch or the tip of my tongue- The parts of me that realize there’s something that I must be missing
I can’t look into your eyes anymore Because they don’t lie the way that I could When I realize I’m irrelevant And how you are moving on I guess I have to pretend that I’m over you too
But how could I just let this die And leave you behind When you’re all that I’ve wanted That mystery Of what we could be Resonates with the parts of me that still dream
I won’t look into your eyes anymore But oh how I covet your stare That hellish gaze Reminds me for days Of how I was passionately nothing more than your fleeting memory
And I’d love to stop wishing every night For my dichotomy of fantasies: That love might give us another chance Or that I could stop hearing the melody behind our memories
How can I just let this die And leave you behind When you harmonize with my soul Your every note Are songs I wrote Long before they had names or I even knew yours
I’ve never wanted to look into your eyes any more Than when I think of the love we should’ve had If I had set aside my pride, Or if you had really tried To breathe so my love didn’t smother you
Do you think that I could let this die And leave you behind If I channeled my heart into moving on? If I listened to your enemies Maybe then a part of me Wouldn’t forfeit the battle of forgetting your face
I know that I should really try To say goodbye To the ghost of the idea of who you are But I think it’s my will For her to haunt me still So there’s a chance I might unite the ghost with your body ..So that one day you really could love me.
And I’m still not sure how I would’ve better inveigled your affection: If I would’ve been a little less like me Or if I would’ve been a little more like him
And I’m certainly sure I could’ve come to a perfunctory conclusion by now if I were dealing with a dichotomy But some things just aren’t that simple And I guess if romance were rudimentary, I wouldn’t have spent my life whole life searching
And I sure would love to wonder why it’s inevitable that everyone who pronounces their attraction to me for my personality ends up leaving me in the dust for a cheap doppelgänger But in order for me to wonder, I’d have to truly believe that my personality beckoned attraction.. Perhaps my insecurities have been the silent assailant of my dreams all along
I’m sure I could learn how to be strong and love myself I’m sure that if I embraced rejection I could find someone who would give me a real chance But I just don’t have that kind of strength in me today And when every day is the same **** struggle, I really don’t know if I’ll ever truly have any “tomorrows”