Can't get enough air
Puts a smile on anyway
Skin becomes more fair
With each breath taken away

Don't look too close
You'll see through the cracks
Sadness overdose
Hidden with a mask

Tears held in
Barely holding on
Can't let the demons win
Must survive another dawn

Can't breathe
Getting faint
Too much
Too much
Can't breathe

Can't breathe

Takes the knife
Slices the skin
Maybe now the air can get in

Smiles
A real smile

Covered in blood

A last grin of relief

Maybe now I can breathe

I am a walnut
A hard outer shell

Keeping my secrets within

Few bother to crack me
It takes too much effort
for such an unappetizing morsel

But those who do take the time
Find that once I am open
All of me has been spilled out to them

And I cannot uncrack


But he is a pumpkin
He opens for you

But you have to pull his secrets out of him
Bit by slimy bit
Until you have them laid out on a
table
and still you must sort through his insides
to find who he really is

And when you think you know
There is another secret
That he won't explain

He doesn't want you to know him

i was being carried along
by these waves you call life

i was content,
without any strife

but those waves
turned into chaos

i am thrown to and fro
drowning and lost

hurricanes approach
i'm not ready

i can't fight this battle
can't keep myself steady

i am hurled across the tide
salt burning in every pore

i'm not strong enough
i can't do this anymore

i am a movie soundtrack
in the background

i make you feel things that you never notice
that you'll never even realize

i will whittle myself into your heart
but you'll never know i'm there

i stay folded within the bonds
of your unconscious emotion

you won't remember me
you won't know my tune
or my rhythm

you'll barely know i was there

but my melodies
my undertones
the cadences
that i impressed upon your soul

will forever be in your heart

when i cease to exist in your memory

On the verge of everything
On the verge of crying
On the verge of breaking
On the verge of jumping
On the verge of pulling the trigger
On the verge of swallowing the pill
On the verge of drowning
On the verge of collapsing
On the verge of not breathing

Just a breeze will ******* over

And I'll fall off of the edge

I wear many hats
i switch them up
Turn them
                                       in          
                             side
                                     out
I wear the hat
that presents me
as the person i am
in the moment

But how do I wear so many different hats?
how can i be such a
versatile,
flexible,
changeable,
thing?

Do I Even Have A Personality?
Or AM I jusT a BundLe of PaRts?

Interchangeable pieces,
No defined course of action

am i even a person?

or just a reflection of who i think i should be?

Let's smile
To hide our pain

Let's smile
Even if it's fake
It will be real in a while

At least, that's what everyone says

But I've been smiling,
For quite a while

Is it working?
I still taste bile

Still, I have to believe
That one day I will be whole
I have to keep going
Until I'm in control

Let's smile

you are my muse
but i cannot make music

you are my inspiration
but my ideas are gone

when i write for you
the words turn sour

i cannot sing for you
the notes go flat

i love you
but we do not fit together

we are puzzle pieces
that belong
in different puzzles

we do not fit

i do not fit

sp1nning
fluctuat1ng
all around me

the 1mages never stay the same
as soon as 1 think 1 see 1t
1t changes
a small shift
throwing my percept1on 1nto a d1zzying dance

c1rcular room
m1rrors enfolding me
1n a reflect1ve embrace

1 see myself
warped
1n a million d1fferent places
a superf1c1al 1mage of me

the embrace of the m1rrors
turns strangling
constr1cting snapshots of my face

gasp1ng
chok1ng
for air

but relief does not come

1 am encased in a million different vers1ons of myself

alone
i test the word out in my mind
it tastes numb
and empty
while at the same time,
inviting pain to dance in my skull

alone
it should be painless
just void
a lack

so why does it press me from every direction
squeezing out the air
trapping me

i am in a circus
funhouse mirrors all around me
showing reflections of just one person
scared
tears dripping down her delicate nose
reflecting me back on myself
making me more lonely than before

Words have power
They can pierce your bones
The right ones devour
Your very soul
Peaceful ones flower
And make you whole

Others cut deep
Leave scars, angry red
Make you lose sleep
As they dance in your head
Your happiness they reap
Until your spirit is dead

The strong message they send
Cannot be erased
They twist and they bend
They demand to be faced
They make ideas blend
Leaving a bad aftertaste

You cannot try to forget
The things you hear
Like a cigarette
They take what you hold dear
They sing a duet
Of shame, grief, and fear

Once it is said
It penetrates the defenses
Causing joy or dread
Sometimes beyond recompenses

Words can move you
Words can ****
Words can pierce through
Words can thrill

Each time you part your lips
The words that stain the air
Can sink the finest ships
Or be an answer to a prayer

Save me from this battle
That I have declared
It is fierce and ******
I am trembling and scared

A knife pierces my side
An arrow reaches my heart
Please clean my wounds
Or from this life I must part

Save me from this war
This tidal wave of death
I am no longer my own ally
I'm breathing my last breath

Save me

Save me from myself

Love
Makes us
Love to be in Love

When, really
She is using us
To be Loved

You can't make a storm cloud
And expect it not to rain

Someone hands me a problem
All wrapped in distress
Packaged in pain
"Can you carry this"

I see the hurt in their eyes
From carrying everything so long
I take the parcel with a smile
"Don't worry at all"

"Can you carry this?"
Another asks
Holding out a bag of sorrow
Laced with depression

"Of course"
I say
Without another thought

They relax
As the pack goes from their back
To mine

I sink lower to the ground

"Can you carry this"
Holding out a burden of self resentment
Tied with a ribbon of anxiety

"Definitely"
A little more won't **** me

The burden is set down on my shoulders
I get a little heavier
My bones aching with the weight
My feet digging cracks in the pavement

I paste a smile on my face

Then you come around
"Can you carry this?"

I took one look in your eyes
"Yes"

Your sack was the heaviest of them all
Grief
Shame
Heartache
Anguish
Torture

My very essence trembled
Under the weight
Of your burden

I was close to the breaking point

But you needed me,
So I carried on

Pretending that I could bear it all

I have an old soul,
But my heart is still young
Treat it with care
It has not loved for very long

I am underwater
No breath to be found
Encased in liquid
I am death bound

So deeply encased in water
I think I'll just swim down
Feel the pressure build
As I slowly drown

You cover every page of my journal
That you'll never read
Your smile is in every photo on my camera
That you'll never look through

I keep you close
You will never know
I treasure every piece that I have of you
Photos and journal entries
All of it

The photos are tacked up on walls
That you will never see
The journal entries have become a blog
That you will never visit
And all the while
I'll be loving you

You burned every part of me
That you hadn't claimed for your own

Ten
     words
                 is
                      not
             nearly
                 enough
                       room
                                 to
                                    tell
                               you

My heart gets tighter, tighter
The pain gets brighter, brighter

My eyes gaze upon his receding figure
He still has such a strong allure

The tears run fast, fast
The torture will last, last

I long to pull you back
Into my embrace where you have a knack
For giving me the love I lack

But you keep going farther, farther
And my world gets darker, darker

The longing tugs at my heart
Giving me a start

The heartache
I don't know if I can take
Soon my heart will begin to break
It's pieces I will have to rake
Out of the gutters and the lakes
Hoping that I will still wake

Please
Try not to make decisions when you are sad
Tears blur your vision

I am trapped in a straitjacket
Unable to move
I may as well be in a casket

Trying to remember how I got here
Everything is so unclear
I am blindfolded and everything starts to disappear

Out of control
Out of my mind
Out of a soul

I fight against the sleeves
Thrashing, resisting
Trying so hard to leave

Doctors whispering reassuringly
But the words don't reach me
No matter how kindly

In an asylum you don't pay rent
Because you are a slave against your will
Held there just for thinking something different

Not a single letter
No one wants to talk to the insane
No one even thinks you'll ever get better

Then you lose hope in your own recovery
No one else believes it, why should you?
You forget what it is to even be free.

Alone
Forgotten
Unknown

This straitjacket gets no easier to bear
I pull and pull
But it gets no better to wear

If p-people were forms of l-language
I-I am a stutter of a p-person
I am h-h-hesitant
I can't s-seem to ex-express m-myself
It t-takes me a while t-to get m-my p-point across
People laugh in mock-mock-mockery

If people w-were forms of language
H-he is a s-s-song
He flows
He st-stirs the bl-blood in my veins
His rhythm i-is the only thing ke-keeping my heart bea-bea-beating
People s-sing along

I-I am over-overlooked
He i-is surrounded by admirers

I am st-staring at him,
dazzled, st-struck to the b-bone in wonder
He-he-he is laughing,
warmly, dance-dancing to his own b-beat

I am an un-unfinished thought
He is th-the beauty of a-a million harmonies

I
am
b
r
o
k
e
n

He
is
u
n
t
o
u
c
h
a
b
l
e

Sing, my love
As if you are whole
Sing, like a dove
With your whole soul

Let the melody carry you away
Let the harmony send you to a better day
Let the cadence fill you
Let the rhythm ring true

Sing, my dear
Let it wash away your pain
Sing, without fear
The air with music, you must stain

Let the melody carry you away
Let the harmony send you to a better day
Let the cadence fill you
Let the rhythm ring true

Sing, darling
No more crying
Sing, let your voice carry
To the end of infinity

LIMITS are all I see
Controlling who we are
And who we want to be

What are we doing?
We are making more
If we keep pursuing
One day we'll hit the floor

Where's the progression
Everyone says we're making?
Life is in session
The dawn is breaking

LIMITS are all I see
How can we be who we are
If no one is free?

Left my opinions at the door
No one cares what I think
There could be more left in store
But I'm standing on the brink

The brink of losing
Losing all that matters
I take my time choosing
But everything is in tatters

I'm at the brink of falling
All it takes is a breath
I'm only really stalling
My spiral into death

When I was younger,
My temper had run out
So I took a small piece of metal
I believe it was from our fencing
I took the slender stick of metal
And I hit the tree
Again
and again
Trying to release this monster of anger that consumed
There were lines in the tree from where the metal had clashed with it
The bark split where I had hit it
I felt bad about what I had done to the poor tree
But other than that I didn't think much of it

That is until I saw it today
It has been years since I abused that tree in anger
The bark is white now,
It healed over the scratches
But you can still see through the bark where it was split
Where it was broken

I am jealous
For that is not how my scars are
My scars cannot be seen
No matter how deep down you look
My imperfections lie in my very soul
I have covered each blemish carefully
They are not visible even with the most complex microscope
The most advanced magnifying glass couldn't catch a glimpse of them

My scars will forever remain unseen

The warm liquid traces down my face
A deep ache follows wherever it travels
They flow like blood
Relentless
Drip
                        Drip
              ­                                               Dripping
and
Slip
                        Slip
                                                             Slipping
Salty
Like sweat
But not

Sweat is a sign that your body is getting stronger
Tears are made of your body breaking down

I wonder when all my tears will run out
When I will simply cry dust
Because the pain is too much

I wonder if one day I will drown
Suffocate
Choke
On the liquid agony that leaks from my eyes

Sadistically speaking
You're out of time
The world is shrinking
You've lost your last dime

Sadistically speaking
You've played your last round
You should stop seeking
For the approval of the crowd

Sadistically speaking
We are all dead
Or breaking
Just a group of empty heads

But if we're speaking sadistically
What's the point of anything?

If you can't look at the bright side
Why look at all?
Does it hurt your pride?
Is negativity some kind of protocol?

I put myself together
Over and over
Bruised, bent, and broken
The damage I cannot reckon

I fix myself everyday
Always broken a different way
Pretending I'm okay

I am a broadway star
My acting is steallar
I never miss a cue
In anything I do

The lights come on
A smile I dawn
Impressing the crowd
Their cheers grow loud

Time for the finishing act
This requires wit and tact
I take a slow, careful bow
I see a girl in the crowd mouth, 'wow'

Just when we think everything has been said
Someone says something new
When we think everything has been done
There is something to do

We don't fully comprehend the meaning of everything
We use the term so casually
But really we don't undersatnd
Everything happens gradually

Looked into my eyes
You said, "I will be okay"
I don't believe you
          ~
Worried myself sick
I am tired of these lies
Just let me help you
          ~
You don't say a word
I just see it in your face
Sadness spreads from you
          ~
I am here for you
Please, please, please remember that
My heart can't take it

My head is filled with voices
Each have something to say
Telling me to make different choices
Each wants to get their way

I am trapped in a box of confusion
Inhaling water of a million oceans
My broken parts have suffered complete immersion
My heart has dealt with a thousand erosions

The voices chew through my nerves
Like acid
Their tone of voice swerves
Their faces placid

I have a gift for pretending
Keeping this smile on my face
As if my world was not ending
Even though that is the case

I miss the way things used to be
I miss my old reality
I miss the way we used to sing
We'd sing about anything

I miss the smiling
The old laughter
Now there is only whining
Among the chatter

But the old days
Have come and gone
The old ways
And the old songs

I'm left with the pieces
The shattered remains
Can't hear what anyone says
Just broken refrains

I wish that I could take it all back
Return to the past
Slip through the cracks
Make everything last

But the old days,
The old songs,
The old smiling,
The old laughing,
The old dancing,
        
               It's
                                     all
                                                         g    o   n    e

I used to dream but now I know
Dreams are just ignorant nightmares
Just ideas with nowhere to go
And no one who really cares

I want to have hope
I wish for a light
But depression says, "nope"
I'm left in the darkness of night

I cry alone
So no one hears
I'm on my own
To face my fears

Suffer in silence
Let no one see
This became my guidance
And then my reality