he told me we weren't afraid to die
we wouldn't
not if we believed in heaven
and i'm trying so hard to believe right now

and they say your life
flashes before your eyes
but all i can see is the water
getting closer and closer

i wanted to die, i wanted to die
all until i stepped into the air
then the river no longer welcomed me
and fear flooded my veins

i wanted to die
but when i reached death
i didn't

you raised me from hell
an angel by my side
there, even when you fell
a soul in which to confide
you knew me well
my thoughts, i could not hide
secrets you would never tell
the ocean of my tide

words run like a river
from corners of my lips
they run into rocks and trees
of the people before me
but they're just people
they do not understand
the whispering words of a river
all they hear is the constant mumbling
and incoherent cries

i long for damp gold tears
from the dying trees
for me to inhale the summer's death
and exhale the winter's birth
when the air is hangs low with drowsiness
and cinnamon settles in the wind
what more can i want-
than cold nose and warm chest-
so loosely wrapped in ochre wool?

melt away my skin and bones
you'll find my burning heart
blackened coal and ash dreams
strucken with a poisoned dart
tear apart my pale blue chest
you'll find my heaving lungs
strung close by deadly ivy
my broken ribs are rungs

disgust, saddening disgust
let me wrap myself in bandages
and turn my soul to rust
my self-loathing ravages
as i feel lost in my skeleton
i don't want to be changed
and i can't be undone
they call me deranged
for being born wrong
every second is aching
but my song won't be sung
for happiness is not mine for the taking

the voice of the dim cathedral
haunts my bones
its slim fingers wrap around my neck
and through my skull
a voice from many
releases dawn on the backs of my eyelids
and sets fire to my ribs
a boy beckons us to hail true body
freeing me from earthly restraints

twelve strikes calls the river
to run on the peach silk beds
to pool on white cotton covers
one strike calls the gut-punching
the anger and the screaming
to burn the sins of the day before
two strikes calls the dark haze
slowly beckoned
by the tiring tirade against my soul
three cents to bet
that i might wake up the next day

spill your glowing grace over me
let it bask my shoulders in golden light
i want to ascend to your mighty mountain
let rest a thorny crown upon my head
then must great kings kneel at my sight
and forever live in heavenly youth

when my eyes close under weary stars
i see a field flooded with dawn
my feet tickled with dew-pearls
and surrounded by delicate fawn
i see not the bitter tragedy
that strikes my open eyes
just the peaceful grazing
i could only hope to memorize

here's to the mistakes i will make
the people i will trust
and those people who will push me farther
into myself
to the people who manipulate me
and to the ones who are just not worthy
here's to all the people who
will make my life worse
so maybe here's to you too
it's only your choice

we walk with faces to the sky
the goddesses on earth
our words from a breathless heartsigh
we appear with old grecian beauty
and not such modern masks
it comes in hand with our ancient virtues
true to our everlasting tasks

hera; dark curls and flaming passion
striking down all who cross her
thin and wary is she

artemis; earthy flesh and midnight coils
gentle to the wild and bow-weilding
athletic and kind is she

demeter; flaxen tresses and tenderness
protecting her wards
mothering and calm is she

athena; thick legs and honey hair
raising blood-soaked war flags
wise and fearless am i

so weak, so fragile
my gossamer ghost
sickly yellow
true, sick i am
bird-bone hollow
pray, stay
i have been alone
for such time
to leave
would be crime

i know what they did to you
i know you still hurt
i know you're losing it
i'm losing it too
and i'm the only one
who knows what you feel
and i'm the only one
who will be there for you

insanity isn't beautiful
insanity isn't poetic
insanity isn't heartless
insanity isn't optional

the core of your being
slowly disintegrating into a continous abyss
is not dainty or flowery or romantic
it is pain and suffocation
it is not glass bottles of pills
or poems by willowy girls

insanity is staring with eyes glazed
and it is thoughts and thoughts and thoughts
it is not a choice
or wanting to be the devil
it is disgusting and burdening
it is not knives or guns
or ****** sprees

soft light lips
just hanging from a stem
easy smooth rips
from their fresh new hem

why am i dead?
i ask
no,
not dead
just really close to it
my lungs are failing
and every light
is too bright
and every noise is too loud
or too quiet
and i'm seeing things
that aren't there
and i confide
in friends that don't
exist

i'm not dead

i don't know what is real
and what is not
convincing myself that death only comes
once my heart stops beating
it's dumb
you can die when you are wide awake
you can die when you are breathing
but i'm dead and its all just
definitions in some student dictionary
sitting in an old library
keeping me believing
and it's okay

i'm not dead

i lie
a lot
i never pick up the phone
i'm scared of talking on the phone
i don't like my friends
they don't know anything about me
they don't know that i'm afraid of stairs
and bicycle riding
and crossing the street
and medicine
i'm afraid of everything
my hands won't stop shaking
i think that means i'm not dead
because my hands are moving
right?

i'm not dead

it takes me hours to fall asleep
and i usually wake up a few times
after i do
and i wear sweatshirts in the summer
because i think it's always cold
even when it's not
my hands are always cold
like a corpse
and i'm always angry
but i don't cry
i wish i could
but i can't

you're trying to focus on the image
but your eye only catches the dust
floating a foot in front of it
you're either focusing too hard
or not focusing at all
your eyes are broken camera lenses
and your brain is melting plastic
you can't function
and you're pieces are falling out

this heart is so dead cold
running from place to place
burning lovers like hotel matchbooks
toss them in the building fire
it's my funeral pyre

a cold ache
radiating from my hollow chest

i was told to hate you
i was told that what we were
was disgusting
i was told that you were repulsive

that was months ago
and months ago
i told you i hated you
i hated us
we were disgusting

but it was a lie
and now i am missing you
i miss what we were
i miss your words

my chest is weak and heaving
each breath
more exhausting than the last
i can't breath without you

is it so wrong?
that i used someone
that i liked using someone?

is it so wrong?
the lies, the manipulation
was my pleasure?

is it so wrong?
hurting you
was amusing?

is it so wrong?
that all i am
is a monster?

it hurts
forcing myself to move on
to another who will never love me
i don't know what hurts more,
missing you or loving him?

i want you to know
i loved you
and it's okay
because he will take care of me
even if he doesn't love me
the way i love him
and he will never be you
and you will never be him
but i will love fading memories
of you
while i hopelessly love him

i am but beams of light
softly grazing lover's hands
the tips of dawn's outstretched fingers
caressing dark silk hair
who am i to speak?
to warn the aimless people?
i am just a seer
a viewer
an eye
i am to tell their stories
and to see them undone

i am screaming
so loud, screaming
heart pounding, head throbbing
i didn't choose this
i didn't choose
i didn't

make it go away

make it leave

let me sleep
i just want to sleep
but the ringing
the screams
forever three two one zero
never goes away
echoes and echoes

make it go away

make it leave

stop stop stop
stop i said
three two
it hurts
one zero
go back to start
maybe it will end faster
three two
if i count
one zero

make it go away

make it leave

how do normal people
do this do that
is it easier for them
run here run there
don't think just follow
who is the leader

make it go away

make it leave

one three
focus is a lie
two zero
it's unordered
zero one
you never know
three two
when it ends
one day it just ends
you never

it smells like books
and the colours, oh the colours
yellowed and faded
it's all sadness though
everything is despair
i wish i could find light
in a lover's arms
but i cannot love
i don't know how

i'll keep speaking
even if it's a whisper too soft
like screaming my thoughts
when i'm alone

and i'll keep writing
even if no one reads my poetry
and nobody likes it
because it's honest and ugly

and i'll keep thinking
even if i can't form words
out of my head
except in the dark

my lungs are filling
seawater is pouring down my throat
bitter and cold
and like waves
memories flood back in
screaming and thudding
hiding my face in my pillow
rain on my window
like the tears on my cheeks
from numb ears
after the screams
mother, father, son
you can't see the cracks
they hide but they are still there
just don't talk about the cracks

love, do you see like me?
the glass we look through
is it the same?
look around like few do
do you care
how curtains look in the dark?
can you feel the air?

love, see like me
can you see the wind?
if you try you can see
waves and wakes
have you ever looked at the moon?
have you seen the pages of an old book?
look at me, my love
see like me

oh body, set me free
i want to be a whisper
anything but me
let me roam
just clouds on lilac skies
let me breathe gardens
and stars 'till the red sun rise

i hear them whisper it
whispering like a death-wish
as an insult, hard hit
right in my ears
they don't even know
they mean me

some places i'm illegal
some places i'm free
shame me for love
that's what they do
they hate me for lust
and their gods hate me too

she's a poet
in a traditional way, eccentric and mad
looking for her own epithet
something longing, something sad
the only love she will ever feel
is her addiction to pain
her final chapter contains ****** and a kissed seal
until her eyes are drenched in dark rain

let me kiss your blood-stained lips
and breathe a last goodnight
let me caress your cold milk skin
and close your hollow eyes
never love a sick child
never let hearts run wild

i've lied my whole life
writing love poems
and pretending to fall in love
and pretending to care
just to hide this

sociopath

they say i'm a monster
they call me the devil
i didn't ask for this

just because i can't feel for you
doesn't mean i can't feel.

a thousand can love me
that is not a cure for loneliness
it rages beneath my skin
until someone can understand me

and with every exhale
stars spilled from her lips
and with every tear
clouds covered her eyes
and with every quiet word
oceans filled her throat

lavender bruises pool beneath his silvery eyes
as reminders of being struck by sleepless nights
he hides beneath hooded view
and speaks unwavering truth
he spares no words for the sake of your tears
before thrusting a rusted foil into your heart

strands, loose from the north wind
of my honey hair
fleetingly brush these lifeless cheeks
my death for all to bear
sink me down through east shore sands
funeral attendants are rare
all i have to show is sin and misery
for those few who care
hoping my lips would twitch to life
though they stay so fair
and blood shall never colour my face again
nor glint shall my eyes wear
eternal darkened are those glass walls
death so sweet to that pair
and i accept with nothing to object
never a kiss did i share
except with my sweet love death

a thousand spirits wail
outside these castle walls
a thousand unhinged faces so pale
do they cry for me or of me?
from hazed kingdom of the moon king
or from bitter enemy are they sent?
no harm do i bring
all i wish is to cloak land in silver glow
why hate me so?

my hands won't still
and i'm covered in uncomfortable heat
i'll be set off by the quietest trill
some dark punching beat
it will soundtrack me
chewed nails can't comb my damp hair
slick with sweat from a lark unfree
wrapped in sheets, i still feel bare
every fear trickles to my feet
a tremble, by doubt marbling my blood
nervous laughter sickly sweet
i'm such a deadly flood

versailles has been waiting for your return
this time you will be reborn
out of bitter tears and infant screams
you have been baptised
and now the light of apollo will be in your eyes

the squinting girl will return
but now you are a lion-heart boy
and the twelve years that have passed for them
is twelve hundred for you!
versailles has been waiting
and you will go back

a million sets of eyes passing by
and your's are the only ones i saw
they made a home behind my eyelids
and i, like a bee to honey raw
could only hope to get close enough
to start to know your mind
what wildflowers make you?
they must be sweet, for a face so kind
and soft, for a voice such as that
you are a creature so new
and you created a spark in me
of interest for you

his hands in my hair
lips desperately feeling lips
hysteric fear in the air
and thumbs pressing hips

secret kisses
or i'll be dead
my love hisses
so i can keep my head

his wide fearful eyes
please don't cry
we all tell lies
we have to try