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The ***** don't hold me no more,
Not tempted to go down that line,
Just to stop thinking and to feel somehow alive,
It was a destructive time, that's for sure
The nauseau it gave, the nerves it played
No good ever came from this game

It runs in my genes,
But it will not bring me to my knees,
I've managed better without,
Than I ever would with

I drank to gain courage
I drank to be myself
I drank out of cowardness,
that's what I did

Afraid to be sober
What would they think of me?
What would they say?
When I was drunk,
I simply did not care

I drank to feel happy
Or feel nothing at all
I drank to be promiscuous
To fill the void in my soul
I drank to meet you,
Because I was afraid to say hello

I started to drink to get by,
And felt empty when not,
I drew the line at that point,
To stop myself from selfdestruct

I've seen those paths firsthand,
From I was little to now,
I choose my life,
Not the alcohol in sight

The pain that it causes,
To both the person itself and those around,
Are worse than the agony
of keeping yourself sober...
(I wrote this poem in terms of alcohol abuse and alcoholism, not a healthy and normal relationship to alcohol. Just to be clear.)
Many times I wished for you to care
To love me,
Stay by my side,
Help me,
Encourage me,
Make me smile and laugh,
Protect me,
Make me feel special,
I've never had that

Didn't you think I deserve it?
Wasn't I important enough?
Did your own selfhatred get in the way?

While you wallowed in self-pity
And added even more regrets to your life
I was left alone, on the outside, feeling abandoned
Like I wasn't worthy

You acted cold and distant
The words I was too young to hear
You didn't care for your life,
Or to see us grow up,
You probably didn't see it like that,
But kids do,
We're not programmed to have adult minds,
You should've known,
I wanted to be loved and that's all I wanted back
To love you with all my heart

The few times you looked at me and smiled
Is all I will ever have from you
It hurts that I care as much as I do
When you've never been there for me
You were never there
I wonder if you ever wanted to

All those times you never showed up,
Made me cry,
Left all alone...
Did you even know?
Did you drink away the only hunch
You've ever had?
Was it worth it?

I get life is hard,
I get you're down,
Believe me, I do
But is that an excuse to neglect your flesh?
If someone hurt you in the past,
It was never me, never your little girl
Why weren't I your little girl?

You grew up in a distant family,
It does stuff to a person,
Just like all this did to me
I get that and try to be understanding
But my patience is fleeting
You don't value my heart
I'll still continue to **** you with kindness
That's a better way to die
Than die of the *****, old and alone

Hopefully you'll find peace and stop
This selfdestructiveness
If not, atleast I tried
A job not mine to do
Only you can make the change,
Only if you want do

I guess you're a lost case
Prove me wrong
But I'll never hold my breathe waiting,
Because if there's one thing I've learned,
It is that you never keep a promise
There are a million ways I can tell you,
show you,
and explain to you that I love you.

I can kiss you,
hug you,
squeeze you,
tease you,
and please you.

I can tell you that I love you,
in every language possible,
sing it as beautifully as I can,
and write poems for you to understand.

I can explain my love to you by holding your hand,
telling you everything I like about you,
what makes you unique,
and why you're the one,
the one I want to spend my life with.

There are a million things I can do, million things I can say and million things I can explain,
but none of them show it more than my lips as they touch yours.
I long for her touch,
Her body,
Her curves,
Her lips,
Her eyes,
Her lust,
Her hair,
Her thighs,

I lust for her,
Whom I cannot find,
anywhere at all
She is missing

I wish for her to be
On top of me,
Under me,
And most of all beside me

She is nowhere to be found,
Sometimes I have to wonder
maybe I'll never be that lucky,
maybe that privilege is not for me,
nor will ever be...

My biggest wish may never come true,
But atleast I'll be someone elses wish come true
That's the least I can do
Art doesn’t have to be beautiful,
It can be *****,
But it is still beautiful
I love the autumn leaves,
the autumn trees,
they're just as beautiful,
as we used to be.

I love sweathers,
jackets and the early darkness,
everything that's beautiful...
in the madness of autumn.
It's like you don't even know me
But you still say you love me

What do you exactly love?
The idea of me?
The portrait I choose to show you?

I know it's not the real me

I sometimes wonder if I showed you myself,
Open and honest,
Bare naked...

Would you still love me or would that love fall to the ground?
You can't fix something that's not broken,
you can't change someone who doesn't want to change,
you can't decide how a person should be,
you just simply can't,
is it so hard to see?

You walk around and try to control everything that comes your way,
you're shocked when someone doesn't do as you say,
you think you're God and that we should all obey,
the truth is no matter how much beauty you endure,
you'll never be anything more than what's inside of your soul.

Your soul is darker than the night,
your heart is as cold as ice,
I'll never fall for your spell again,
You're just a devil in diguise
Nothing more, nothing less

If somebody here needs a change,
look in the mirror and watch it shatter.
You're broken and bruised,
and give others abuse.
You're living proof that the outside is no reflection of the inside...
Beautiful outside, rotten inside.
Would you say it again?
Those words you spelled out
But never really meant
Could you do it all again?
Use my love and crush my soul
Does it even bother you?
Or do you not care at all?

I thought we had something,
But it was all a fictional game,
You're like ice and can't be melted,
I'm naive and got disrespected,
I bet karma get's you in the end,
Because you never stop with your silly little game

One day all your lies will be revealed
And all the people you've deceived
Will get the peace that they need
I need something more than you can give me,
I breathe for something you can't bring me
Something deeper to make me feel like I'm livin'
I long for dancing, long nights of sweet love and champagne
I'm young, wild, but not free
I'm chained of own will and want to break free
I'm scared to face the truth in front of my closed eyes
I need to man up, it's time...
It's time to throw these chains away and finally live.
Be free. Be me.
Be whoever I want to be.
If you were laying next to me,
could I kiss you sweetly,
touch you gently,
and love you deeply?
My mind wanders,
As my body longs to stay put,
To sleep,
Load the batteries up

My depression stops by to say hi,
Remind me of everything hard,
Tells me I'm not good enough,
That nothing matters,
Or make sense anyway

As I try to close my eyes,
Forget the pain,
And break through the chain,
I'm chained so hard that I can't get through...

I can't breathe properly,
I can't close my eyes,
I can't relax,
I can't smile

All I can is cry,
Feel hopeless,

"What's the point?" goes on repeat in my head,
I try to make it stop
But it won't shut up,
It won't leave me alone.

It makes me wonder how you know,
How you can,
And why you always want to bring me down.
You come to me in my weakest moment,
When I can't escape,
When there's nowhere to hide,
Noone to hug,
Noone to confide in.

Why do these moments never stop?
Why will it continue in an evergoing everlasting loop?

You tell me there is so much to live for,
As I try to see it,
Try to break free,
The chain holds me captive in my own negativity,
It feeds me just more and more,
Till everything I see, feel and hear is darkness,
Everything I breathe is poison, everything I eat is death and everything I drink is blood.

Only love can save me now,
But then again, what is really love?
What is love? Real love?
How do you know?
"If you know, you know" they say
But is it for everyone?

These are the nights that ****** my being,
The nights that make me lose all hope I ever collected,
The nights that make me lose my will to survive,
The nights that **** me.

I have had better nights and probably will,
If not these nights take over,
Then I don't know if I'll be able to see the light
that awaits in the other end,
Because when all you feel, see, hear is darkness, how can you imagine to feel, see, hear the light?
And how can you be able to wait when your current state is unbearable?

Tonight I just can't sleep,
I can't shut off and dream,
I can just lay awake and feed on misery,
Just one of those nights...
Those nights that are all dark,
not just because the sun is gone,
But hope and all life too.

I need someone to come save me from the darkness.
I need to change
For myself
For my life
For my friends
For the world
To live

I will not die in vain,
I refuse
The silence didn't overwhelm me this time
It made me peaceful,
But the silence is only an illusion
All I see is darkness,
All I feel is chaos...

If I could choose,
I'd choose a better reality
She was the kind of lost that was unseen before
She was the kind of broken that's unfixable
She was the kind of beauty that's unfadable
She was the kind of love that was unforgettable

But her heart was cold as stone
Her truth were only lies
Her faithfulness was nonexistent and her love was false
But he couldn't stop
Deep down he knew it wasn't right
But there was something about her smile, her laugh and her touch...
That made it impossible to stop thinking about her, being with her, admiring her and loving her

It was painful, but necessary to feel alive
He couldn't breathe without her near
She had him on his knees, she had stripped him off his independence
To make him her needy wreck,
Filling the empty void in her heart
She loved the power and didn't care the cost
Her heart was made of stone
Stoning him alive
Until the day he dies
For all eternity
Will I sleep tonight,
And be filled with inner peace
Will I sleep tonight,
And forget my fears

Will I sleep tonight,
And wake up brand new
To come and see you?

Even when I'm blue,
I sure miss you
It's all true,
I need you

Where are you...

If I close my eyes to sleep tonight,
Will you be there to hold me tight?
Will you kiss me goodnight as I lay my head, and kiss me goodmorning as I wake?

Or will you just leave and make me feel dumb,
Stupid to have done the things that I've done,
All alone, without you there
All despair, without you here

Do you really want me to come undone?
Look at his face,
Look in his eyes,
Hear him scream,
Watch him bleed.

Could you really do that...?
Over and over,

I guess that's why you keep your eyes closed,
mind locked and heart cold.
Nothing calms me more down
after a long day
sleepless night
stressful hours
than my favorite cup of coffee

and sweet
fulfills my every need
She sat with smoke in her hand,
holes in her heart,
blood on her wrists,
and pain in her chest.

Noone understood,
noone tried,
noone cared,
atleast that's what she thought.

She had given up on it all,
life itself.

She was broken and bruised,
simply confused,
lonely she cruised,
day to night, night to day
all by herself.

"What will the future bring",
she thought for herself,
searched for answers she never found,
moved from cigarettes to the needle,
all she needed was one hit, just one hit
maybe everything would go away
It didn't go away...

One hit turned into many hits,
homeless and sick,
cold and hungry,
on the ground,
she was never found,
in time...

The girl who had given up,
soon became a body so cold,
started to rotten,
and now her body reflected how she felt all along,
she was dead, dead to the core.

The girl who had given up,
and everyone gave up on her too.

She simply crossed the border,
the border from life,
and into the grave...
Dear beautiful flower in my hand
I know you want to blossom
And for me to water you
Nurture you
But I can't help you
Even if I want to

Truth to be told,
I can't even help myself
Definitely not love myself

How can someone who feels unlovable,
Create something so lovable?
So beautiful and so peaceful?
I have no peace inside
I'm sorry...
but you have to die
Dear society,

Don't tell me how I should think,
Or look
I'm not a reflection of your perception
And I won't ever be

You can't decide someone elses identity,
personality or style
It's their own to define
Don't take that from us

I'm sick of feeling like an outcast for trying to be me,
We should really celebrate each others differences,
Those are what makes us unique

You can stop trying to dictate my life,
My way and my being,
I'd rather be outside of your ideal,
Than be repressed under your glorification

My creative soul dies held captive,
And it blooms in freedom
I don't feel free under your judgement,
But I don't live to please you either...

One day I'll be gone,
And if I die suiting your reality,
I've been dead all along
If I die creating my own reality,
I've never been more alive,
Even on the day I die.

So dear society,

Don't tell me how to feel,
Or look,
I'm done being a reflection of your perception
And I won't ever be that again...
Death has knocked on my door
Many times before
It lurks in the corner
Longing to take over
Over my soul
Crush it in half
Bring me to pieces

I hold on to the little ounce
Of hope that I have
Death has knocked on my door
Many times before
I try to decline
But nothing can stop the death
When it has set it's mind

I am the target
Like I've always been
From I was little to now
I've carried this sin
The sin of feeling inadequate
When death's on my door
To take me away
And crush my soul

Death has knocked on my door
Many times before
It's like it wont stop
Till it has reached it's goal
The goal is my bottom
My undoing
My end
It's getting closer and closer
For each and every day

What should I do?
Was I born to live feeling dead?
Die not having lived?
Death has knocked on my door
Many times before
There is soon nothing left to do
But to give in to temptation
And relieve this sin

Or should I not give in?
Can I pursue and win?
You took something from me,
something you were not allowed to take.
You walk around like it was nothing,
when it was everything.
Your carefree persona provokes me,
you gave me nothing not to care about.

All you gave me was fear, anxiety, worries and doubts.
All you did was make me lose my trust.
All you were was just a demon,
a demon disguising yourself as an angel,
to get what you needed.

you didn't care the outlook,
you didn't feel my pain,
you just felt your urge,
your urge to release your *****.

You lied to me in my most vulnerable state,
to get what you wanted and not what I wanted,
when I suddenly said no,
you took it anyway,
because demons don't listen,
demons don't care,
for demons ''no'' doesn't count,
demons call the shots.

I hope you're happy,
because I am not.
People may not know my name
That's completely fine
I'll die for everyone who died in vain,
Anyone who died nameless and unknown,
I'll die for you
To let you know
You're time here meant something
You mean something
You were loved
You are loved

I'll die for you,
Then someone will die for me and you,
For us,
For them,
For us all,
For everyone that
noone knows who are
Die for each other.
Do I belong in your heart
Or my own?
Unaffected by your love,
wisdom and words,
Or filled with your love,
us forevermore, side by side
Till death do us apart?
Speak now or forever hold your peace
You're telling me what to do,
Bossin' me around like I don't have a clue,
Force is the only weapon you choose,
Can't relax in this noose,
Physical abuse.

My inner demon gets loose,
Fills my brain with it's bruise,
I need some good news,
But seem destined to lose.

In a fight with you,
You'll always win,
It's such a sin,
But it's how it's always been,
I want to make your head spin,
Spin till you lose that grin.
I look up to the sky,
While begging myself to stay sane,
I won’t let my thoughts wander to the extreme
Just don’t bring my mind down to that state

I lay awake in my bed at night,
Staring into the darkness
As I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks
Just don’t bring my mind down to that state

I stare at an empty plate,
As I ask myself what I want
I feel the hunger wants to prevail over me,
While my insecurities make me prevail right back
Just don’t bring my mind down to that state

I feel alone the moment you leave,
Like I am never enough all on my own,
I need someone else to make me feel worthy,
So l fill the emptiness I feel with my phone
Just don’t bring my mind down to that state
Why did you bring me to earth?
To break my soul,
Stamp on my heart,
And crush my dreams?

Why don't you believe in your own daughter?
Just put her down,
Break her spirit,
Even make her lose her faith...
In herself, everything and everyone around her?

Why will you let your own flesh and blood,
Be discouraged,
By you?

What are you?
What are you really?
Family don't do that,
You're not my family any more.

You don't deserve to be called my mother,
You're nothing more than a dreamcrusher...
You don't know how I feel
The endless chaos in my mind
You think everything is okay
The outside hides the war inside

I feel pain in my chest,
I smile my best
I feel weak as I wake up,
I struggle to cope

My head is aching
From anxieties and endless fears
Worries, doubts and bad memories

Being alone is torture for me,
Tears fall down my cheeks,
As my gun calls for repeat

You simply do not know,
I simply do not show

That I am dying slow...
I've always liked the unpredictable,
the stranger things,
always had a scent for weirdness
Normal is horrible, mainstream is not for me
I like crazy and crazy likes me

If I'm mental,
the world is my hospital,
my friends are my doctors
Being different for me,
is being myself,
open and free,
in a world that is filled with plastic...

Your strange self captures my wicked heart
You're one of my own,
let's go together into the unknown
Do you even try
to understand the battle I'm fighting inside my mind?
Do you even understand
it's not because I want to, but it feels like my only option?

Do you even bother
to try to see it from my point of view?
See that my fear is eating me up inside,
that I'm also trying to starve it,
but the fear doesn't easily starve,
it takes what it craves
and it craves my soul

It's not like I want this,
but sometimes it feels unstoppable
my heart pounds crazy in my chest,
as my hands shake of distress,
it feels as if I go against my fear,
My life gets ruined,
I get ruined,
I'll wind up dead.

It's like the fear never gets satisfied,
it want more and more,
till there's nothing more left,
it never get's full,
just keeps on eating on my insides

I hope for the day I'll find my cure,
**** this fear
and just live my life again...
I want to find someone

Someone I can look at and feel complete,
Someone that fills me up with peace,
Someone that makes me forget the whole wide world

As long as we're together, it's just me and you,
Everything is fine,
everything is safe,
Because I'm in your arms

After a long day,
Just come home to you,
Is the highlight of my day

Come and find me,
I'm growing more impatient by the day,
Come here and kiss my fears away...
Your curves speak to me in ways I can't ignore,
Your eyes tempt me so bad it's hard to look the other way,
Your mouth seduces me,
Whenever you open it...
All I can think of is closing it,
Because I lust for a kiss.

Your beauty is relentless, you bring me to my knees...
Oh, I hail to the almighty queen.
I know it isn't right,
but sometimes I feel it might be alright.
The urge is too severe,
like a curse...
I ruin all that was beautiful with us,
just for my own egotistical reasons,
maybe I'm not worthy of your love no more,
maybe it's time to move on to the open shore.

For both of us.
It doesn't matter how much time
That passes me by
I still can't seem to stop to cry
I never felt alive
Why is it so hard to try?

Will you ever come back to me,
Tuck me in and wipe my tears?
Or will you just stay the illusion
That you've always been?

I will fight alone,
From my birth to my grave,
Always have and always will
Used to the pain, suffering and ache
That's inflicted on me in everyones sake

I won't say no,
My heart is good,
So I can't let go

Forgive and forget is what they all say,
Even when it's not earned in any way
I can't stop thinking about you,
wishing it was us two,
hopelessly in love with you

your smile make my knees weak,
your beautiful eyes bright up my life,
hair like a goddess, long, light and bright,
gosh, I wish you were here tonight

you're sweet and kind,
your heart is made of gold,
you speak to me in ways I can't ignore

My brain is occupied by your perfection,
my heart is captured by your essence,
my soul is longing for connection,
this is more than just infatuation

In this world,
in this moment,
right now,
right here...
there's nothing I wish for more than to have you
Honey, I love you

You're my golden princess
Will I ever be good enough?
I keep finding flaws,
Keep comparing myself to others,
It's not the things that matter in life,
But I still obsess like crazy
Am I really that shallow...?

It's just too much pressure,
Too many selfies,
Too many models,
And too much makeup
Being yourself doesn't feel enough,
Being real feels like being wrong,
Being wrong feels scary,
But in this case, it's right to be wrong,

I don't want to be one of many,
I want to be one of a kind.
I've built walls in front of me for decades,
Protected my mind for centuries,
And all it does is destroy me.

Nobody get's through,
Nobody really knows,
I'm all alone.

I may feel safe, but I don't feel happy.
Just about this persona I put on to disguise the real truths that make me vulnerable. Getting hurt can do that to you because you get too scared to be open again. Probably many of you relate.
I have to go to sleep now,
Before I give in any more to my sins.
I have to rest,
Before I collapse of distress.
I have to dream,
Because reality is a nightmare.
I have to fall asleep,
Before my mind turns into a battlefield.
I have to relax,
Because my body is going red.
I have to go to bed,
Because my soul has already left.
I have to go to sleep now,
Before I give in any more to my sins.
I light a candle for everything I've learned,
Everything I have yet to learn,
Everything I've seen, been to blind to see and will see in the future

I light a candle to restore myself,
when my candle wants to burn out
I light a candle for life,
when all I see is Death

I light a candle to survive
This Godforsaken world,
while every inch of me
is struggling to get through
yet another day, hour, minute, second
of all this misfortune I've seen,
not only towards me,
but an endless amount of destinies,
is this ever going to stop?
Or are we doomed for living?

I surely don't know nor wish to know
Because I've learned that a lot of times,
the truth hurts more than lies ever will be able to...
I need you tonight,
Please come to me,
I've never felt so alone,
Longing for someone I don't even know,
It's like a large piece of me is missing,
And you're the missing piece...

I don't know who you are,
Or where you are,
But I hope with all my heart that I'll find you,
So I can feel whole,
For the first time in my life...

I believe we all deserve to love,
And to be loved back,
You must be out there somewhere,
Waiting for me,
Just like I'm waiting for you...

At times I feel like giving up,
The thought of you keeps me going,
It would be so beautiful to feel like one,
With you,
My dear,
My love,
My uknown,
I want to find you,
And get to know you...
Can I?

Let's pray for us to unite,
Because I know life's so much harder,
Without you there by my side...

I love you
I don't want this anymore,
it brings me to tears,
fill me with fears.

I scratch myself from desperation,
it hurts my body and mind,
gives me an ache that I'll never find.

My heart has been shot by a ruthless gun,
now filled with a large hole in the middle,
hole that matches the hole in my soul.

I am sick of trying to get through,
in ways that doesn't do me no good.
Set me free,
I won't continue to ****** my soul.
Have you ever had that feeling of being inadequate?
Feeling like nothing is ever going to change? Same old, same old.
You want things to change, but they never do.
It makes you sicker and sicker for each passing minute.
That's exactly how I feel, and how do you keep you hopes up, your mood or anything for that matter?
Of course there is a lot to be grateful for, but when you are feeling so down, so hopeless, so alone and like such a failure... it's hard to appreciate anything at all.

It's all my faulth, because there is so much more I can do.
I just feel like I don't have the energy,  guts or confidence to try, and feeling like that only backfires on me.

How do I get the strength to be who I am, do what I want and live as I lust, in a world that tells us who we should be, how we should look, how we should think and tells us how we should live?
People who are able to do that, are one of the courageous people in the world.

We're lucky enough to be able to live as good as we do, and then we make stress for ourselves on things that don't really matter.
You have to do this or that to look pretty and stay young as long as possible.
We create needs that weren't even there to begin with.
We make them life essentials, when they're really far from it.

It's a ****** up world that kills the freespirited mind and makes us all live in cages.
Cages where everything is already decided, and if you don't measure up, then you fail as a humanbeing.
The truth is you fail more following the norm. You fail more not following you heart.
You fail more not seeing the world as it is, and doing what you can to make a difference.
You fail yourself being a coward. You fail your life. You fail the world.
You fail.

If you really feel like a failure, reflect upon how you are living your life and analyze if you are living for you, or for those who want to hold you captive...
The minute you stop just blindly following the crowd, is the minute you stop failing and start succeeding.
You may think
''Maybe I should do something''
You still don't do it
You may think
''It's not fair''
You still don't help
You may think
''Poor person''
You still don't say hello
You may think many things,
but it doesn't matter,
if you never act.

One of the problems in the world today,
is indifference,
It's like we make small problems of luxury into worldproblems,
just to forget about the real big ones that are right in front of us,
it's too painful to think about.
Closing our eyes to the real problems doesn't make them go away,
doesn't make them any less real
and doesn't make them any less fatal for those they affect.

Take action.
It matters.
It makes a difference.
In her eyes...
you see her sorrow,
you see her pain,
yet you can never explain,
you can never feel
exactly as she feels,
but you can't unsee it,
when you have seen it,
it's obvious.

Her eyes are the windows to her murdered soul,
Her murdered soul is the door to her broken heart,
Her broken heart is the key to her mind,
and her mind is what in the end is going to **** her.
When you have felt inhuman,
such a long time,
in so many different ways
It's hard to be human again,
on the verge of impossible
I'm filled to the edge with grief,
let alone pain, will this ever end?
Is this my destiny, my only possibility?
Tell me now,
It's hard to be kept in the shade of my own existence
I can remember how it felt when we last touched,
I can feel the warmth like you are laying beside me,
I can taste the sweet kiss from your lips,
As I move my fingers across my own,
And dream of all the things I used to feel known.
They tell you that when you know, you know.
I don't know how I know when I know.
I still don't know.
Isn't mystery and excitement what we all want?
It's what I want

I want to laugh till my tummy hurts,
Kiss till I can't feel my lips,
Fight till all we have to do is make love

I want a piece of passion every day,
A piece of love,
And a piece of chocolate

I long for power and loss of power,
Games, but still safety
I long for openness and honesty,
Authenticity and approval,
***, lust and pleasure,
Love, passion and betrayal

I want opposites, yet the same
I want both, and still just one
I want him, but her too
If I'm making any sense, is up to you.
I write because it's all that I know,
It's been my comfort all along
When I had noone else,
My pen and paper was there,
Holding my hand...

When I was young and vulnerable,
All alone and confused,
I could write down my thoughts,
And feel less darkness consumed

I found calmness in my writing,
And peace in my room
I found clearness in my mind,
As each word got dribbled down

I found love in my books,
When it was nowhere else to find
I found hope in these stories,
Because my life had no hope to find

I found nurture everywhere else,
Than where it truly should be
I seeked for guidance,
In places a child shouldn't be

I was sad and lonely,
Afraid and worried.
Naive and trustworthy,
Stupid and young.

I couldn't know...
What have I done?
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