Blue sky
Green grass
Yellow flowers
White clouds
Brown bark

Gray me

Bright sister
Glowing family
Sparkling friends

Dull ***** me

When you love someone,
You each hold bits of eachother.

When you leave someone,
You lose some of those pieces.

When two broken people fall in love,
They share bits and pieces
To fix eachother.

Here,
You're missing some heart,
Let's share this piece

When two broken people
Fall out of love
You lose way more
Than you lost
The first time

So never love me.
I'm in so many pieces,
Infinity doesn't describe it

But my heart,
Or what's left of it,
Is big

And I will give you whatever I have
To fix you
Which means,
It will hurt that much more,
When you leave

If I said
"I want to **** myself"
You'd probably laugh
Walk away
And label me as overdramatic

But if I actually killed myself
You'd probably cry
And pretend to be sad
And say
"I wish I could've done something to help"
You'd say
"If only she'd let me in"

Well, I tried
Did you not hear my cry for help?
Yet you still ignored me
And you wonder why I want to leave?

You're on all sorts
Of crazy diets,
I don't see why I have to eat
But you always make me

I will try to skip lunch,
But you threaten to buy me something,
And I don't want you
To spend money on me
So I eat

I remember we were talking,
And I still hadn't eaten that day
So in the middle of my sentence
You stuffed a muffin in my mouth

Just today,
You discovered
I hadn't eaten dinner
And what your response?
You sent me 53 texts to convince me
That I should eat

So my question is:
Why do you always make me eat?

Is it a pet peeve,
Or do you actually care about me?

They say time will fix me
But you are still gone
I miss you each Christmas
Each birthday
Each day

They say time will fix me
But that is an idea for children

They say you are in a better place
But how can I be better without you
Who am I without you?
Without your smile
Without your love
Without you

They say you are in a better place
But that is a story for children

They say "sorry for your loss"
But how can they understand?
They don't know you
Know your quirks
Know your insecurities
Know you

They say they are sorry
But that is an excuse for children

They say there is a reason you are gone
But what could be the reason
I lost your beautiful soul
Beautiful heart
Beautiful mind
Beautiful everything

They say there is a reason
But that is a comfort for children

They say things like I am a child
But I have not been a child since you left
You are gone
And I am alone

At 8 I started hating myself

At 10 I gave myself bruises

At 11 I quit eating

At 12 I wanted to die

At 13 I tried to **** myself

At 14 I cut myself

At 15 gave up

By 16 I'm long gone

Because I'm tired

Because I'm lonely

Because I miss you

Because I'm a failure

Because no one likes me

Because I'm better off gone

Because I'm *done

The tears falling down my face
I gently stroke my dog's ear
And whisper,
It's gonna be okay

But I know I'm lying
To both of us
You are not okay
I am not okay

But you are my trusting puppy
And you snore quietly next to me
As I fall apart
Trusting me to make sure
That everything will be okay

If joy were a person
It'd be you
Dear sister

If kindness were a person
It'd be you
Sweet friend

If peace were a person
It'd be you
Kind soul

If goodbye were a person
It'd be you
Old friend

If hopeless was a person
It'd be me
Cruel world

Smiles that don't reach my eyes

Blood that's not accidental

Thoughts that are taking over

Tears that could fill an ocean

Fear that's filling my heart

A heart that I cannot trust

Nights without rest

A body overcome by exhaustion

And the pain it takes to hide this

No little girl,
You don't know pain
You are just a child
You say you want to die
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know stress
You are just a child
You say it is drowning you
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know anxiety
You are just a child
You say you can't breathe
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know depression
You are just a child
You say you hate living
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know these things
You are just a child
You say you speak the truth
But you are probably lying

No stupid adult
I do know these things
Yes you are an adult
You say you understand
*But you are definitely lying

SMILE
Like the world isn't collapsing around you

LAUGH
Like you aren't dying inside

GIGGLE
Like you don't have a care in the world

BEAM
Like the happy person you aren't

CHUCKLE
Like your life actually makes sense

GRIN
Like everything will be okay

LIE
Like you do every day

And no one will suspect

You know,  I've never seen you cry

I don't cry

Everyone cries

I don't

I cry all the time

Mmh

You must cry sometimes

*No

Ten years ahead,
I would still recognize your face
In a crowd of ten thousand

Five minutes from now,
And I would never recognize your spirit
In a crowd of two

*Where has my best friend gone?

I don't want,
To fight my way to the top.
To get pushed and shoved,
Hoping I may stand at the top,
For all the world to see.
I don't want that moment of pride,
For it is only a moment,
Before you get pulled off
By someone stronger.
The cost of that pride and joy,
Is to either fall to the bottom,
And lie there,
To battered and bruised to move,
To climb back up,
Or to fall to the bottom,
And begin the climb again,
And get the same result.

I want to walk away from the struggle,
And keep my peace of mind.
I'll walk till I find,
The tallest tree alive.
I'll climb to the top,
With the greatest of ease,
No struggle you see?

And as I sit on my perch,
I'll look back where I left,
See the struggle and mess,
And laugh when I see,
I sit above them all now,
And as they bicker and fight,
I am content,
For now,
I am on top of the world.

If you get a cold,
Everyone is concerned
They ask if you're okay
Is there anything they can do?

If you are literally dying
From the emptiness inside you
No one cares
"...But you look healthy..."

Why am I
Still awake?

I should be sound asleep,
Having happy dreams
Not lying here
Awake
Dreading sleep
For fear
Of my nightly visions
Nightmares

After all,
I am still a child
I think
Maybe

Why am I still awake?

If a tree falls
In the forest
With no one around
Does it make a sound?

If I fall
In a crowd of people
But no one cares
*Was I ever alive?

I look at pictures
From years ago

Even then
I thought I was
Ugly

Yet when I see the pictures,
I see a beautiful stranger

I don't know who she is,
Except people say
She is me

But she looks so bright
Radiant
And happy

And she is beautiful

She looks innocent
Young
And lovely

Surely,
This girl is not me.

I was never that happy,
Or innocent
Or bright

Was I?

I compare the girl in the picture,
To the girl in the mirror.
How is it possible,
That these are both me?

Hi,
I'm Nicole
I'm still young
Only
16 going on 60

I've seen so much
I can never go back
I got more regrets piled up
Than stars in the sky

I've been told
My eyes look older than my body

And
My soul seems older than my age

That's because
I'm just
16 going on 60

Put me six feet under
Away from all the noise
Where no one will hurt me again

I know a lot
More than you'd think
It's because I listen
And remember
And you speak freely
Not caring if I hear

Because no one ever notices
The shadow of a girl
At the back of the classroom

Sometimes I think
I'm empty inside
Like there's a black hole
In my chest
Where my heart is meant to be

Sometimes I feel like
It's ******* the life out of me
It's stealing my energy
It makes it hard to breathe

Sometimes I wish
I was normal
And I had a strong beating heart
Where all I have is a evil black hole
That stole the innocent me

Sometimes...
No.
All the time

What is a question,
That elicits a thousand answers?
That is more complex than,
The story of the universe?
More confusing than,
The mystery of religion?
Yet a question that,
Is asked all the time?

The question is:
"How are you?"

I am not afraid
Of the great lakes

Despite their vastness
Despite their coldness
Despite their power
Despite their deepness

I don't know why
I suppose it's because

I already know my insignificance
I already know I don't matter

My heart is already colder than the water
It cannot hurt me

This pain I feel
Is more powerful than the strongest waves

And I am not afraid of drowning
In their depths
In fact, I hope for it sometimes

So no,
The great lakes don't scare me

Do you even bother
To look for the signs?

I play my music louder
These days
I don't listen
For joy
But to drown
The world out

I'm never without long sleeves
These days
I don't wear them
For warmth
But to protect
My secrets

I feel ill more often
These days
I don't feel sick
Because of a physical illness
But a
Mental one

There are thousands of signs
That I am dying
Yet you never notice
Do you even bother to look?

You are smart.
You are nice.
You are friendly.
Don't forget it

I am here for you.
I will not turn on you.
You can trust me.
Always remember that

You are great.
You are wonderful.
You are amazing.
This is true

You don't have to be perfect.
You are already awesome.
You will not always win.
Just keep going

Finally,
I want you to remember,
I am here for you.
*I am your friend

Straight A's
Tall and lovely
Big bright smiles

She is a poster child
Happy as can be

Always polite
Never interrupts
Answers sweet and quiet

She is a poster child
Never in the way

Very mature
Speaks quite eloquently
Sharp as a tack

She is a poster child
Gives it her all

Cries herself to sleep
Works far too hard
Never eats, to keep her figure

She isn't a poster child
But hides it all away

So nervous she can't breathe
Pushed far past her limits
Just wants to escape

She isn't a poster child
But doesn't let it show

She is done with the world
She'll never be perfect
She can't do it anymore

She is a monster child
She let her true colors show

I saw you again today
At the store
I was expecting boredom
Just saying hi to you again,
Made it much less boring

You got an earring,
And as always,
I'm suprised by your height.
But your hair isn't purple yet,
So I guess it's alright

It was only five seconds
Not long at all
But it made my hands shake,
And I didn't stop smiling for hours

Yet soon anxiety comes to visit,
You did this wrong,
You did that wrong
For goodness's sake,
You did EVERYTHING wrong!
I know,
I know

But then you text me.
I did not text you first.
I was so happy,
But I don't know why.

In all my life,
I've never met someone like you,
Someone who makes me ignore my flaws,
Who makes me shake something awful.
Who I trust so much.

I know this isn't a poem,
But it's just a story,
I wanted to share.

If you ask me
"How are you?"
You'll get one of two answers

Either,
"I'm fine",
Or "Same as always"

Well "always" *****
And I'm not fine

So don't bother asking me
"How are you?

Because 'always' is not okay
And I'm not fine

An empty road
It's 2 am
Petal pressed to the floor
Hands off the wheel

The lights flash by

Faster
Faster
Faster

The thoughts spin around
Faster
Faster
Faster

To go or to stop?
To live or to die?

Too late now
Too fast now

The lights are a blur, her mind is numb

Spinning
Spinning
Spinning

Out of control
Pain hits, the car starts to crunch

Louder
Louder
Louder

And suddenly:
Silence



Tears are shed but she is gone
Is this peace or is this pain?

Now we are spinning  too

How did I get here?

I have a
Knife in my heart

Sword in my soul

And a bullet in my head

Yet I'm still going

How does that work?

The flashing lights
A dance of your life

Spinning
Spinning
Don't stop spinning

The music thrums
Your body twirls

Around
Around
Can't stop moving

The drinks are sweet
Your mind begins to slip

Falling
Falling
Just let it slip away

The flashing lights
A dance of your life

Does living
So you don't disappoint anyone
Count
As a will to live?

Nah, it's cool
I'm fine
You didn't stab me in the back
You'd never be that cruel

All you did was
Steal my spine
So I can't feel
Or stand up by myself

But here I am
I'm getting up again

And let me tell you
I can definitely feel
I hurt

But it's cool
You're fine
I hope you're happy though

Cuz I'm not

I'm always shocked
Walking past mirrors
Because there is a stranger in them
Looking back at me
I don't even know her

She's happy
She smiles
She laughs
She's not me

I used to see
Myself in the mirrors

Now I see a stranger
Looking back at me

I'm not the girl
Smiling in the mirror

Would I love that?
Well,
I don't know
I'm not trying to be rude
I honestly don't know

What does loving something feel like?
I forget
I don't even know if it's possible for me
I forget
I'm sorry

So would I love that?
I don't know
I honestly don't know
I'm sorry
But that's the only answer I can give you

Life burns out like
The ashes of a cigarette
Bright flame
To grey dust

&nothing is very much fun anymore

Life gets harder like
A rusting bicycle wheel
Shiny joy
To dull pain

&nothing is very much fun anymore

Life gets sadder like
A tree loses its leaves
Vibrant green
To empty, dark branches

&nothing is very much fun anymore
(Will it ever be?)

I have been asked,
Why we aren't friends anymore
Time and time again.
I have thought
Long and hard
On this question,
And today I realized the answer.

We became friends,
Because we sang the same song.

But as we grew older,
We changed a word here,
Sentence there,
Phrases everywhere.

Till we were singing
Entirely different songs,
That simply have the same rhythm

So from a distance,
All you here is the tune,
And you think we are fine.

But as you get closer
You realize,
They are entirely different songs.

Now you are gone,
And even the rhythm
Of our song
Is different,
Lost,
And gone forever

My heart is so broken
I'm so totally worthless
So my heart is for sale
Half-price only

I think it still works
I know the pain
And fear section does

The bit for joy
Is long out of use

And the piece for love
Is quite broken

But it mostly still works
So,
I've got half-price heart for sale

There was a time

When I couldn't climb a tree
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be to
"Slip"

When I couldn't cut potatoes
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be
To slit my wrists

When I couldn't take a swim
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be
To stop swimming

There was a time
When I couldn't live
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be
*To give up