Dear Lord,

I don't ask for much
It's a simple request

You see,
All I want
Is to smile again

But not a fake smile
One that's for show

But a genuine smile
For all the world to know

Amen

This poem
Is for anyone
Who feels as if
Wave after wave
Is crashing down on them.

This poem
Is for anyone
Who lost their
Very best friend
And is in the depths of despair.

This poem
Is for anyone
Who crashed
To the ground
And doesn't know if they can get up again.

This poem
Is for anyone
Who can't breathe
At times
And doesn't know why

This poem
Is for anyone
Who is standing on a cliff
About to fall
With a strong wind at their backs

This poem
Is for anyone
Who wants to write
About real things
But can't force them into words

This poem
Is for anyone

Listen
Listen closely
Carefully

If we're quiet enough
You might hear it
Just maybe

You could hear
The reason for my tears
The reason for my cuts
The reason for my exhaustion

Maybe
Just maybe
You could hear
My heart breaking
And my soul falling apart

Put on your costume,
And throw on your mask.
You've got to fit in.
It's your life's only task.

Don't ever be yourself.
That's far too lame.
You're simply too strange.
Let's all be the same.

Cut slits in your arms,
And starve yourself thin.
No matter the cost,
You have to fit in.

No one cares about you.
Who cares about joy?
Just make sure you're pretty,
To get the right boy.

Listen to their taunts,
And correct your mistakes.
Pretend you are smiling,
Ignore the "small" aches.

And when you are done,
Just go find a rope.
For we live in a world,
Where no one can cope.

I'll probably start my night on here
Reading these words
Right here on hellopoetry
Then around 2 am I'll be too tired
And the words will blur
And make no sense

Next I will replay
Everything I did that day
And criticize it
What did I do wrong?
How many mistakes did I make today?

I may fall asleep
Stay that way maybe an hour
Maximum

Then I'll have a nightmare
Wake up tears streaming down my face
I'll probably sneak out then
Just to get away

Then I'll wait till morning
The images playing again and again
Through my mind

And when morning finally comes
And my mother asks me,
"How did you sleep?"
I'll smile answer,
"I slept fine"

Don't say,
"I'm ugly"
You'll insult nature

Don't say,
"I'm a mistake"
You'll insult God

Don't say,
"I'm sad"
You'll insult your parents

Don't say,
"I'm lonely"
You'll insult your friends

In fact,
Don't say anything
You'll insult something

You can think it,
But even if it's true,
**Don't say it

You know that you are growing up
When you realize that

"Be strong"
Really means,
"Don't bother me with your problems"

"It will be okay"
Really means,
"It will never be okay, but just tell yourself otherwise"

"I'm sure no one noticed"
Really means,
"Everyone noticed, but was too nice to mention it"

And that
"No one likes you"
Really means,
"Just leave us alone, nerd"

"You are so stupid"
Really means,
"You will never fit in"

And finally,
"Why are you even here?"
Really means,
"Just go **** yourself already."

Calm
Breathe
Release

Inside your head
      It's war.
Inside your heart
       It's pain.
Inside your soul
       It's death.

Outside your body?
It's calm
(Breathe)
(Release)

Don't let them know
Don't let them see
A poker face
Strong and cold as a mountain

Calm
Breathe
Release

Float above
Somehow one and two
Aware and unaware
Watching...
The body stays...

Calm
(Breathe)
(Release)

Inside your head
Outside your body
It's too much to stay
Panic rising then gone
You are one but
You are two

Calm.
Breathe.
Release.

How is it,
That a mere thought
Cuts deeper
Than the sharpest blade?

And how is it,
That the sight of you
Hurts more
Than the deepest cut?

She seemed nice
I stay away

He was funny
I stay away

They were friendly
I stay away

Keep your distance;
That's my rule

Keep them far enough
Away
That they
Will never hurt you

You were kind
Nice
Funny
Friendly
Sweet
Smart

I should run
I should hide
Keep away
Stay safe

My feet don't listen
I stay
Now I'm stuck

*Crap

You tell me to grow up
To stop being a child

That I am being weak
I don't actually hurt that bad

Well news flash:
I am a child
And I do hurt that bad

Go ahead,
Break your promises
Destroy my smile
Laugh at me
Tear me down
Make me cry

Go ahead
I don't care
It's what I'm used to
Everyone else does it

So go ahead
**** me
It's what you wanted
Right?

Don't bother to help me
Don't waste your time
I'm a lost cause

Don't even talk to me
Don't try to sympathize
I'm a goner anyway

Don't pretend you care
Don't tell me I matter
I'm long gone already

But most of all,
Don't get close
Don't get attached
Because I'm a lost cause

And I'll leave you far behind

Dear old best friend,

I am fine without you
Things are going well
I'm fine
Really I am
I don't need you

Sincerely,
Nicole

P.S. Everything above was totally a lie

P.S. I'm so not fine

P.S. I miss you

P.S. I need you

P.S. This pain is killing me

P.S. I loved you

P.S. When I said goodbye I meant it

P.S. Tell the world I'm sorry

P.S. I'm leaving now

P.S. Please stop me if you care

I'm sorry world
I didn't mean to burden you
I know I shouldn't be here
But I'm here anyways
And I'm sorry

I'm sorry world
I know I only mess things up
I know I don't belong
But I'm still here
So I'm sorry

I'm sorry world
It's not like I want to be here either
I didn't have much choice in the matter
But I wound up here
And I'm sorry

I'm really really sorry world
But no worries
I don't plan on sticking around much longer
Anyway

You're welcome

Tonight is one of those nights where
I don't know if
I will never sleep again

Or if
I will soon fall asleep
Forever

Feelings and weather
Have more in common
Than first meets the eye

It can be sunny
Rainy
Cold
Hot


You can feel joy
Sadness
Despair
Love

Mist could fill the sky
Obscuring your view

Life does the same
And laughs
As you stumble around
Like a fool

There can be winter
Cold numbness

Or summer
Happy and powerful

Then there's spring
Innocence and peace

And finally is fall
Sadness and death

Each is beautiful,
In it's own way.

Just remember,
Feelings,
Like the weather
Will change
When you least expect it

*This will not last.

I want to write my soul out
To pour it on the paper
To ease my breaking mind

But I am too confused
The words refuse to flow

Since the feelings
Won't come out as words
I want to release them with tears
But I am not allowed
I am supposed to be strong

Since the feeling
Won't come out as tears
I want to release them through blood
But no one can ever know
About this excruciating pain

I want to put this
Horrible pain in words

But it refuses to come out

And holding it in
Is making me want to die

This is what happens
When I meet
My old friend
Writer's block

If most
Is is the highest
Above all
Greater than anything else

Then how is more
Above the thing before it
One step ahead
It's on top too

Is most
The greatest,
Or is more
Greater than most
Making it the greatest?

And then there's the same problem with
Great and greatest....

For some reason my account is telling me that I got a message but when I click on it, it doesn't show any. So, if you sent me a message and I didn't reply, this is why. Sorry.

"The heart is deceitful
Above all things
And beyond cure
Who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:9

The bible says this
And I agree

Help me

I'm dying

I'm drowning

I'm freezing

I'm falling

I'm burning

I'm suffocating

I'm something

So please, please
*Somebody help me

I was talking
To a little boy

"Do you want a story?"
I ask

"Yes,"
"Something that's not real"
He replies

"Like what?"
I answer

"About a world,
Where everyone is happy"
He states

The boy was only nine years old

Okay, fine
I lied
I'm not okay
I haven't been okay
Not for a long time

I don't remember what joy is
Or what it feels like
I thought I had
But then I watched them laughing
And I realized
That what I was feeling was not joy

And then I heard the teasing
The mean words
I saw the treatment they gave me
They think I'm stupid
And so do I
That's when the cuts started

Now I want to cry
No one cares
I don't care
Do I?
Should I?

I want to die
I want to **** myself
I think
I wish, in reality
Should I?

It's not that bad

It's just like when you were little
Jumping off the diving board
Yelling, "Daddy, catch me!"
And feeling scared
But knowing you were safe

Except, you know
There isn't any water
No one is there to catch you
And you feel anything but safe

Okay,
It is that bad

I'm screaming
But you can't hear

I'm hiding
In plain sight

I'm running
But getting nowhere

I'm dying
Yet I'm still alive

And most important:
**I want to die
Because you don't care
But won't carry it through
Because I'm afraid of hurting those who care

I can't
I just can't
Moving on is just something
I can't do

Every memory haunts me
I replay it in detail
Would have
Could have
Should have

*Didn't

Is it bad,
That I no longer
Play my favorite games,
Simply so I don't have to see the word
FAIL
One more time?

I knew it would never work out.
When I first said hi,
The weather man inside my head warned,
"There's a storm a'brewing, be careful."
I ignored him.

A few weeks later, we became friends.
The weather man was back,
More urgent this time
"The storm is  coming in fast,
Best to take cover,
Or your chance will be past."
I fired that weather man.

A new weather man now,
He gives me a warning:
"The storm's overhead,
Take cover, now listen!"

I count the time between
Loud rolls of thunder,
And sharp streaks of lightning.
I have plenty of time, I think.
Just a bit longer.

The weather man soon calls,
"Your time is now past,
I wish you had listened!"

The rain begins to pour,
The lightening overhead.
I cower in a corner,
Why didn't I listen?

I look up to see,
Some lightning strikes ground.
It illuminates you,
Waving goodbye.

I knew it would never work,
I had all the warnings.
Oh, and I wonder,
Why didn't I listen?

Now the weather man's gone,
And so are you.
Today I still wonder,
Why didn't I listen?

Thanks,
But no thanks

I don't want your wings
I don't want to fly

I've been dropped on my face
Too many times

So thanks,
But no thanks

I don't want to soar
I don't want to own the sky

I'm scared of heights
You see

So thanks,
But no thanks

I don't trust you
And I never will
So just leave

Why couldn't you have stayed
A random kid in the hallway?

Words are amazing

You can use them,
As weapons
You could **** a man,
And no one would ever know.

You can use them,
To raise the dead.
Give a word of encouragement,
And suddenly someone
More dead than alive,
Becomes more alive than dead.

You can use them,
To inspire
Give someone hope,
And they will go great places

You can use them,
To gain power
Lie, cheat, and steal
You'll rise in the ranks

Words are amazing

Why are the tears
So close tonight?

Why is it
That every thought in my head
Is killing me?

Why do I want to die?
Why do I want to cry?
What the heck is wrong with me?

Why are the tears
So close tonight?

Turn the music up louder
Shut your eyes
And pretend the world doesn't exist

I smile all day
So no one asks if I'm okay

I've learned to be a fake
For everyone else's sake

I've learned to not cry
So no one asks why

I laugh a lot
She's happy, people thought

I have learned so much
Too bad it's from the devil's touch

I want to be happy
But I stay feeling ******

Maybe I will learn true joy,
*Someday.....

WWND
What would Nicole do?

I've changed so much
There is sadness in my eyes
But I can't let it show
It can never show

So for each and every decision
I ask myself,
WWND
What would Nicole do?

I don't want to do that
I'm too frightened
I don't want to get up
I'm too tired

But I'm not allowed to be me
So I ask myself,
WWND
What would Nicole do?

I build a mask
And let no one in

WWND
What would Nicole do?