test me
my waters have remained constant
rippling, reaching
as far as the eye can see
into the horizon; the water surrounds me
my knowledge is useless
when drowning in these waters;
i can only flail desperately
as my movements create ripples
out into the open sea
all these efforts
all in vain
all in my vein
blood rushing out
like the sea, light then heavy
then strong
like the sea, with a strong smell of salt
this time, the waters are red
and they reek of iron

test my waters
they’ve been stained crimson
with my lifeline

After several instances
of your arm accidentally brushing
against mine,
can I assume I finally like you?

Can I finally say that
you make my heart pump blood
faster than when I
go to the gym and workout?

Can I finally say that
you lift my mood up, as high as the heavens,
and make me write poems
as sweet as artificial sugar?

Can I finally say I like you
even when you don't like me too?

A deafening silence settles,
Leaving only dust and some movements,
Rustling in the sheets, tossing and turning,
Trying to get some sleep.

But where is the peace in the silence
When all you can hear are
The whispers, an illusion,
Yet there is nothing to be heard.

Slowly, out of reach,
My hand tries to grab
What is left of my own sanity;
And every night, I wish it were over.

End me.

a poem at night

Your hands
Intertwined in mine
The feeling of warmth, safety,
And a whole lot of 'paasa'.

Your smile
Directed at me
Dimples showing, eyes twinkling
And a whole lot of 'pakyu'.

Your voice
Laughter filling the air
As your mouth speaks with sweet words and promises;
Also a whole lot of 'sino’ng ginagago mo'.

How pathetic of me
To write poems and string up words
When those same words
Are the reason why my soul bleeds.

How despicable of me
To talk to a phone
Simply because
I just don't belong.

whenever i feel empty,
I try to evaluate myself,
much like how a student evaluates
the questions before skimming for the answers.

fill in the blanks,
the tiny crevices made by sadness,
the cracks and gaps of loneliness;
help me and fill them out with human company.

fill in the blanks;
sheets of paper, empty,
an untouched screen, the faint humming of a computer,
the pens and pencils, neat and free from human activity.

fill them in; draw and draw until your mind begs to stop;
write and write until the words don't make sense;
I've been trying to do so much
just to make sure that gaping hole of pure, slow, and excruciating loneliness and depression gets temporarily covered.

I've been trying to fill in the blanks in my life since day one.
It seems like it'll never work.

My biggest fear,
I realized after drinking,
Was probably
Not being loved the same way I love.

Maybe I was terrified
Of giving too much
That people can't even give me
Even just the slightest love

Or maybe I was scared
Scared that I gave a lot of myself
To others
But they didn't want any.

Maybe I was scared of rejection.

Maybe I'm terrified of being alone
Alone, lost in my thoughts,
Unsafe with myself, and
A high risk of hurting myself.

I hate my self.

Mirror, mirror,
On the wall,
Why am I
the ugliest of them all?

Is it my teeth?
Is it my eyes?
Is it because I ****
at almost everything I try?

Is it because
I'm not as beautiful
as the other girls
when I cry?

Mirror, mirror,
On the wall,
I wish I could feel nothing
And end it all.

What am I
To a million people
Whose names are numbers
Waiting to be counted?

What am I
Other than a mispronounced name
And a character of no value
Who often becomes forgotten?

What am I
Aside from being a drunken thought
Whose name you scream
And whose heart wrenches at your drunken sight?

What am I
When I become frustrated
At how much I love you
But can't find the right words to say?

What am I
To you
When all I've ever been used to being
Is nothing?

I saw you today.
You two didn't talk
And seemed like strangers
But I knew better.

I saw you today.
You were still handsome
Attractive, oddly
And charming.

I saw you today.
I still like you.
But I know my feelings
Were nothing to you.

11:02pm

"Goodnight".
The most consistent lie I ever say
When I pretend to sleep
But all I can do is lie awake thinking and thinking.

Why am I still up
In a corner of a room in darkness,
Headphones blasting silence
My thoughts louder than the world.

Static noise filled with jargon
Nothing
A computer screen sitting quietly
And a kid whose mind is on the run.

in all honesty, i have difficulty in perceiving what is real and what's in my head.

"what demons?" i hear you ask, and i simply smile back.
"want me to describe them to you?"

these demons,
these wretched, dark, indecipherable beings
clawing their way inside my brain,
and making it to the depths of my innards,
they're never really gone
and it will always be a struggle
to remain calm,
despite everything.

it feels like
swimming in a pool
6 feet deep
and as a 5'2 kid,
it has been a constant struggle
to try and stay afloat;
try and stay alive
because suddenly the world morphs
and the pool is no longer a pool
but an ocean, a stormy night
out on the open sea,
waves crashing, violently slapping the boats and ships sailing through the vicious currents
shipwrecks here and there, floating debris,
a havoc; hands and feet, cold, dead, floating,
and as you float there,
your legs get numb from the cold water,
helplessly moving your arms and legs to try and keep yourself up,
trying not to feel the dark, murky waters of the night
trying to entangle its menacing fingers
and grab ahold of your dangling legs.

yet suddenly it becomes a pool once more.
the debris floating around you
now become floating devices,
calmly riding the ripples made by your own movement.

yes.
these are my demons,
the ones that turn a whole world into a nightmare
but in a snap,
makes me wonder what reality am I in.

It's all normal.
And I wonder if it's all in my head.

let me out from this augmented reality
a nightmare so surreal
let me out
i am terrified

let's lose sleep
thinking about how hungry we are, craving for each other,
hands rushing towards each other like waves,
greedily filling each other's void, fingers intertwined.

let's lose sleep over
thinking about the endless possibilities,
the world, even; almost anything, really,
as we lay there, the silence engulfing us.

let's lose sleep over
feeling the cold breeze of the night,
a tint of alcohol and blush on your rose dusted cheeks,
as we struggle to feel each other's warmth and heat.

let's lose sleep over
the fact that
this will only happen
in my dreams.

Maybe it's the alcohol
Running through my veins
Seeping through all of my pores
Invading my skin, crawling,
Leaving a trail of heat and numbness.

Maybe it's my mind
Trying to twist myself into
A wringing mess, unconscious,
Undesirable for the current society
Whose words weigh millions.

Or maybe it's just me.
Overthinking, in a dark room.
Laying there, paralyzed.
Contemplating. Typing. Thinking.


Tap,
       tap,
              tap.


I'm tired.

What am I to you?
Ugly. Insecure.
Disgusting. Pathetic.
Exists only when you need me.

Flowers grow where she walks
But you grow thorns and thistles
I don't hate you.
I just miss the 'better, kinder' you.

These are some of my
Almost-midnight thoughts,
Lurking under dimly-lit surroundings,
Trailing behind as if shadows.

These are the thoughts
That resurface from the pitch-black bottom,
Much like how bubbles make their way
Up to the sea from the depths of the oceanfloor.

These are the thoughts,
The ones I've been struggling to put down,
Much like a crazy person flailing about
While the doctors and nurses try to restrain him.

Almost.
I almost ended it.
Almost.
But then again, here I am.

Trying to make things work.

Hold on.

Hold on for as long as you can,
Because this pain won't go away easily.

Hold on to whatever you can grab,
Because the sliver of hope I'm holding
Is slowly becoming out of reach.

Hold on to whatever makes you happy
Because the things that mattered
Slowly faded into the background,
Simply out of focus.

Hold on to me please.
Because I'm losing myself in the process
Where I'm trying so desperately
To find a reason to keep going,
Despite my mind screaming to stop.

Hold on please.
There's something I still need to do.

Please help me.

Strange
How the outside world
Makes such a blaring, disturbing noise
Yet only the silence settles between us.

Strange
How I'm right beside you
Sitting straight,
Yet I don't seem to even be here.

Strange.
How simple the world can be,
How simple we could be,
But you don't even exist.

"I quit."

The times I uttered these words
Were the times I doubted
Anything that happened,
And everything that could happen.

I quit.

I quit trying to lead a life
Where I feel insignificant,
Almost as if unwanted,
And endless thoughts of how to end this.

I quit.
I want to end this.
Make it stop.
I quit.

I've had a sudden realization,
while sitting in the corner,
staring blankly at a wall,
my mind running amok.

My daily train of thought consists of
overthinking about situations,
anxiety brought about by simple mistakes,
and staring off into space, while people passing by think I'm looking at them.

My train of thought mostly revolves around
endless ways of trying to better my situation, or,
endless ways of trying to **** myself and end everything;
but most of the time it's just a random blur, dissolving into nothingness.

My train of thought is simply
me, talking to myself, and reflecting
on what my friends said;
nah, I can't say they're my friends; I don't want to assume and get hurt again.

And I have lost my train of thought.
Everything fades into the background,
and everything just feels empty.
I should be doing a lot of stuff but I just want to end myself.

I'm alone again.
Not literally,
But mentally alone.
Trying to battle my thoughts.

I'm lost again.
Not literally,
But emotionally lost.
Staring blankly, dejectedly, at my reflection.

I've always been
The rock
Underneath the gems;
Nothing but a barrier to others.

I'm always the ugly duck;
An eyesore
But follows the group
Even if I don't belong

I'm never special
Nor unique,
Nor interesting.
And yet I pretend to be.

I'm too scared to say something
In case the world hears
How pathetic I sound
And criticizes me again.

Maybe I promised myself
To never say
"I have no friends"
Because then I'd sound selfish.

But sometimes
I'd rather not call them 'friends'
Because they seem happy
Without the need to drag me.

Sometimes
I wonder what their life
Would've been
Without me.

Would it have been better?

Maybe I'm too heavy. I'm sorry, then.

I tried suspending a heavy object
from my ceiling,
testing a hook ***** I found
lying around in my room.

As soon as it fell,
I took some superglue
and squeezed it onto the *****'s threads,
hoping it'll stick into the ceiling well.

Superglue advertisements often endorse
their superb sticking ability;
let's see,
can it properly hang me?

I'm sorry
For breaking my promise
Of not hurting myself
Ever again.

I'm so sorry
For being the blade
That cuts through
Myself, bleeding, thoughts whispering

I'm so sorry
For not being
The perfect person
You've always wanted.

And I'm sorry
For existing
If all you ever wanted
Was for me to vanish in the first place.

As I step out into the world
A starry night sky greets me
And for some reason
I bump into you

And there, you apologized
Thinking you did something
That I would've been mad about
But no, all I wanted was affection

And there, you told me
How you asked her how she felt
And if she could reciprocate your feelings
And if you had a chance

And you pretended I was her
As you told your story, back hug
As you gently face me, another hug
And then and there, I felt confused

Please
Talk to me
Save me from the monsters
Inside my head

Please
Talk to me
I don't want to die
Trying to fend off my thoughts

Please
Talk to me
Because I can't seem to say anything
Because my mind is louder than my own voice

Please
Talk to me
This is a desperate cry
Begging you to save me from myself.

Why am I sad?

I ask myself that question all the time,
And I never seem to have a definite answer
Besides the occasional
"I don't know."

But what if the reason
Was that there were actually too many reasons,
And they somehow merged into one big mess,
And so I could never really identify which was the actual problem?

Why am I sad?

Perhaps I will never really know.

Until then, I'll be drowning in this sadness.

We wake up, opening our eyes
And basking in the sunlight
Or not; burying ourselves out of sight
And the silence replaced with sighs.

And despite a horrible morning,
We end up chanting a mantra hoping
That somehow the day gets better
Or negativity a tad bit lesser.

As we reach school, we face
Numerous formulas and boards
All with problems in hoards
And an anxiety that stays.

And as class ends our eyes meet
And a smile creeps up to my face
And of course, you never missing a beat
About the heat on my cheeks

But I pretend I feel nothing
Because by the end of the day
I pretend we were something-
No, I’m just another idiot today.

The day you told me
You believed in me
Was the day my brain thought
“I guess I’m not that flawed”

Because you were the guy
Who everyone painted as dangerous
And to be friends with you,
I couldn’t get myself to buy.

I gave you what I thought I could give you:
Thoughts, words, promises
And yet I realized now
How stupid I actually am.

I believed in an us:
Something we could’ve been
I believed I was something, somehow significant
And unfortunately I was wrong.

I can’t write poems
Or sing good enough to be acknowledged
Or draw pictures of what we could’ve been
Or have talent, simply because I can't be your type.

I can’t write poems
Because I’m a complete failure
In typing and scribbling out words
To even create something comprehensive.

I can’t write words
To string up to create a poem
Because I can’t even think straight
Because I can’t think of anything.

I can’t write poems-
No, I don’t write poems
Because I can’t tell you-
No, I love you, I love you, I loved you.

instead of the late afternoon sepia,
darkness fills my window,
with bits and pieces of scattered light from outside
trying to come in this late at night.

instead of the warm oranges and reds
trying to envelope me in its embrace,
it's the black sky, littered with glittering stars
and soon, as the morning comes, blue washed skies.

instead of afternoons with friends, it's late nights
talking to myself, alone;
being alone isn't a bad thing, but I've been
so used to being alone that I've had too much time to overthink.

instead of coffee, it's milk.
I can't force myself to stay awake via caffeine;
wouldn't milk help me sleep?
but I can't sleep, and now I'm plagued with these horrible thoughts.

It's a wonderful thing, really
To be able to wake up
To be able to get up
To be able to do anything, actually.

Because when it hits you,
Yes, "It",
The dark entity forcing you
Down on your bed,
Its entire mouth, drowning you
As you try to breathe and stay afloat
All to no avail.

It never used to be like this.
It somehow,
managed,
To pull me deeper into the crevices.

And the worst thing is,
No matter how much you try to explain to people
How bad your situation is, trying so hard to float on that dark sea called your thoughts,
They'll simply dismiss it.

But what if
I hadn't called
For help
At all?

No matter the spotlight and attention
Or the sea of applause
Or the congratulations from everyone
You still think I don't matter.

No matter what performance I do
Or show I make
Or the difference it makes
I still do not matter.

No matter
What talent I have
If I wasn't him
I'll never be good enough.

Hello, death?
Yes, uh, hi. Calling because I wanted to clarify things.
When I said I wanted to die, I meant alone,
not with friends.

I don't want them to get caught in my selfishness,
Nor do I want their families to feel loss.
So yes, at least keep them safe; I'm fine with dying, I guess.
Anyway, until next time, death.

"Do you love me?" No.
Because the sun's still shining
And the Earth is spinning
I did, but now I don't.

"So much that it hurts?" No.
Because I finally managed
To move on
Past the things I used to hold on to.

"That it's scary?" No.
Because I've let go of everything
That included you, me,
And every little thing in between.

"I loved you." That's great.
"You rejected me." That's fine.
"I gave up." Congratulations.
Because I'd hate to have toxic people around me.

How stupid of me
To push people away
Afraid
They might pretend to care but actually don't

How stupid of me
To isolate myself
Destroying an avenue
Where I could've been helped

How stupid of me
To be like this
Attempt to ask for help
But too scared to speak up once helped.

What is this feeling
Of longing for
Your presence
And the safety that comes with it

What is this feeling
Of wanting
Everything and nothing
All at once

What the actual ****
Am I doing
Writing out how I feel
When I'm too afraid to tell you honestly

Why do I
Fear the risks
And hide myself
Despite knowing how much I feel?

truly,
what is there to lose
when all has been said and done
when all that is left is a shadow?

what more do i have to lose
other than the sliver of hope
i so desperately hold on to;
what else do i have left?

truly.
what can i do
when even the happiest days have gone by
and time kills as the seconds pass by?

Why is it that whenever someone tells me
to speak up about my problems and open up to them,
all of a sudden, they just become this
uncrossable barrier, so difficult to talk to?

Why does it feel like
they never really meant what they told me
when they said,
"I'm here if you need to talk to anyone"?

And for the past few months,
it has been increasingly lonely.
I don't want to disturb anyone
whenever I want to talk to them.

It was 3 am,
The darkness still covering the skies,
Except this time, I wasn't alone
With my thoughts.

3 in the morning,
And i hadn't drank or eaten anything,
I felt sick,
Not just physically but mentally.

And in that unholy hour did i feel
The unpleasant rush of emotions,
Waves of overlapping thoughts,
And all i ever wanted was it to stop.

It was 3 in the morning,
The noise of alcohol drowned
In a sea of probably my consciousness,
And the only help i was able to ask for was

"I want to die."

But a poke on my forehead
was all i needed to tell myself
That maybe, just maybe,
They understood my call for help.

For an audience
Of hues and shades
Of a sea of black and gray
Don't devour me

For a mind
Of palettes that tear mentally
Of violent reds and loud violets
Don't scare me

For a piece I'll never perform
Because of how scared I am
To battle myself and the world
Don't forget me

The week hasn't even started,
And yet I feel like
My arms have been torn, limb by limb,
And my mind eternally wandering into space.

The only thing keeping me alive
Is the requirements in school,
Loans I have to pay,
And compulsory attendances.

I don't know.
I find it utterly sad
To lose reason and will to live,
But what can I do?