I've always wondered "why"
Why can't I write
Fluffy and warm poems,
Making me happy?

Why can't I write happy poems
Without hating myself?
Why can't I write about falling in love
Without cringing and deleting it?

Why are my friends
So good at writing poems
And making people feel
All these good emotions?

I want to be happy.
I want to be truly happy with whatever I'm doing.

When the sun sets
And the skies are painted
In light orange streaks and hints of pink,
It signals the end of a day.

And when a warm bluish purple
Transforms the night sky into
A yellow sunrise, warming the Earth,
It signals another start of a day.

But why am I filled
With a desire
To only see a sunset
To signal an end to me as well

remember
how the sun barely peeked into his apartment,
the way your curious face greeted me,
the way his entire apartment was ours for a few hours.

the way you held on to me,
your hands around my waist,
your head slightly tilted, just barely resting on my shoulder,
and before we knew it, we were sprawled on his bed, basking in each other's warmth.

the way you stroked my hair,
telling me everything might not be alright,
telling me I'll find someone like you, probably better,
telling me to find someone like you,
but you're the only one like you.

telling me to move on,
telling me to be happy,
telling me to find someone to love;
i guess we both know we'll only be happy if it weren't us.
i guess we're never really meant for each other.

Attempt 1,
7th grade.
I was ridiculed for self harming,
Since my "cuts weren't even deep."

Attempt 2,
8th grade.
I tried swallowing everything that said "Do not eat"
Hoping I'd lose consciousness.

Attempt 3,
Still 8th grade.
You made me feel like whatever you did was okay; it wasn't.
To this day, I continuously beat myself over it.

Attempt 4,
9th grade.
I tried looking up harmful effects of overdosing on iron,
But it only left me with scarred intestines.

Attempt 5,
10th grade.
I tried to hang myself, hoping I'll succeed.
My mom came home.

Attempt n.
I tried cutting myself, hoping I'll bleed to death.
I tried asking for help, but I realized I was just doing it for attention.
Maybe this sadness isn't real, they said, and I believed them.

Attempt x.
In between these mentioned attempts,
There were still too many attempts unnamed.
But who cares?

Attempt y.
Today.
I tried killing myself again today.
But maybe if I did, will my classmates joke about me hanging myself?

I don't want that.

Maybe my depression and never-ending self hate aren't real.
Maybe I'm just assuming I have depression.
Maybe I'm just overreacting.
Maybe I should end my embarrassing self.

I'm sorry.

minsan ang sansinukob,
minsan ang namamagitan sa ating dalawa.
minsan ang kalawakan,
minsan ang hinihingi para makahinga.

I've been so used to being lonely and self loathing that I end up pushing everyone away, hoping that it'll all go away.

This nasty feeling inside me needs to stop.

But something's telling me the only way I could ever do that is if I make myself stop.

Stop, halt. Ending.

why is it that
every time I get home
from interacting with other people
i feel exhausted?

it makes me feel like
they took all my soul and happiness
i succeeded in faking,
and now i want to end all of this.

it's a mindless cycle;
i fake and fake all of what i could give,
and by the end of the day, i'm gone;
used up, and fake it for another more day.

being home completes the cycle.

If I were to die tonight,
Will anyone ever wonder
Where I go
Or how I went?

If I were to die tonight,
Will my research
Be finished without me
And my friends graduate?

If I were to die tonight,
How will I ever explain
Not going back to school, or passing my requirements?
Will my teachers even care, or will they fail me?

If I were to die tonight,
Will a seat be empty
During the college entrance test
At the testing site?

If I were to die tonight,
Will a classroom ever notice
How one student is gone?
Or will they simply dismiss it as me being late?

If I were to die tonight,
Will all my bad memories
Dissipate into the air,
Or will people still talk bad about me?

If I were to die tonight,
Will all my mistakes vanish
Or am I taking all of them to my grave,
Dying with humiliation?

If I were to die tonight,
How will I be remembered?
Am I simply a stupid kid,
Or am I just dust of the Earth?

If I were to die tonight,
Will my family ever realize
How much I've been asking for help
But they simply dismissed it?

when the wind blows,
ever so strong, the trees shaking in their roots,
the little grasses holding on to dear life,
i simply shut the door.

but eventually, i've learned
to embrace the wind, the rain;
i've learned to flow along with the wind,
and cry under the rain.

but now, i guess
it's time to stop trusting the wind and the rain;
it's time to shut my heart out once again,
and hide in my own closed space.

To You

Shade and spiteful
How carelessly I thought
You were better than
Them.

I shouldn't have written this poem
In fear that they think I still think about you
You were a memory, long forgotten
And one I'd rather not recall.

Please, I beg you
With all my strength
And all of my will
Don't touch me

Your hands touch me
In places where it shouldn't be
I'm terrified yet no one can see
I can't speak up, help me

One cold, dark night
As I lay there, my mind running,
Screaming in agony, the silence shrouding it in,
I remember your question:

"Why do you inflict pain
When I can't even imagine
Hurting myself?
Why do you cause yourself harm?"

The answer is that I'll never seem to find a way
To ever represent how much
I hate myself,
and how I wish I never existed.

And this is the only way,
Truly the only way
I'll ever manage to express myself
Without anyone ever making fun of what I think.

The sight of myself truly ******* disgusts me.

the first time i did it,
my neck didn't break, the rope fell,
and the ***** simply came off;
it couldn't support me.

the other attempts,
I've been trying,
but I always kept telling myself there's still
some reason out there for me to try and fight this.

I guess tonight isn't one of those days.
Here's to hoping
the superglue on my ceiling
gets to hold me nice and tight.

i love you. and i miss you.
though only the clicking of the keyboard can hear
and the silence of the night can tell,
this distance makes the night grow colder.

i want to melt in your embrace,
and no longer will i fear protecting my soul
from my demons wanting to inhale every inch of my soul;
i no longer have to fear being alone.

through glass sheets and LED screens,
i no longer have to fear to start over again
when giving away a little part of me;
i no longer have to fear opening up and letting my heart out to you.

through airplane rides and bumpy roadsides,
i no longer have to find solace in the warmth of a blanket,
or the voice over a phone,
or the presence on a screen.

love, i'll meet you soon.

For some reason,
The nights get colder,
The days get hotter,
But we weren't getting better.

For some reason,
You weren't happier,
We saw each other lesser,
And you found someone better.

It was always like this, anyway.
I was alone with my thoughts.
Anxiety, doubt, worry.
But all you said was 'Sorry'.

I don't miss you.
I just think of your voice.
I just think of what could've been.
I don't miss you, I just long for you.

there's always this kind of unsettled feeling,
right at the pit of your stomach,
growling, restless.
nauseating, even.

it makes you lose appetite, interest,
for the things you love the most
it makes you feel like
you'll never even get out of bed.

in times like these,
all these nasty thoughts kick in;
what hope should i have?
what am i left to do?

A sad song is playing,
And I'm here,
Lying on my bed,
Thinking.

They always tell me
That they're there
But why does it feel like
Whatever I say won't make sense anyway?

I never really succeeded at anything;
not even suicide attempts,
not even anything memorable.
I've just been unfortunate enough to be unlucky at everything.

Face the mirror,
Insecurities.
No one sees it
But I gained weight.

'You're thin enough'
But not for me
I'm terrified of all the fats
I have left in my body

Sit-ups, planking, I am never good enough.
I'm scared, always scared
Of those digits that show up
Whenever I weigh up.

For some reason,
I'm never good enough.
My biggest enemy
Is just me, and myself.

i'm deathly afraid
of falling, gravity embracing me,
and continuously feeling adrenaline
coursing through my veins.

i'm deathly afraid
of falling, crashing hard,
my feelings all placed in one bet,
risking it all as i keep falling.

i'm deathly afraid
of heights, the wind blowing,
my legs shaking, my body unsteady,
the ground seemingly a thousand miles below.

but what if
i jump off
to, as they say,
'conquer my fears'?

I'm too tired
Too tired to open my eyes
To a world
Where peace remains an ideology.

I'm too tired
Too tired to argue
And share my opinions
Because I forgot it didn't matter.

I'm too tired
Too tired to walk in a life
Where I constantly battle myself
Myself, and all these wounds and scars.

I'm too tired
Too tired to try and speak up
When people around me tell me my problems are nothing
And I end up melting ever so painfully from the inside.

And I'm too tired
To even wake up and start the day
Despite everything that has happened
Because why would I matter?

The thing is
Will I matter
Even if
No one sees me?

The thing is
Will I be heard
Even if
No one chooses to hear me?

The thing is
If I let myself be drowned
By my own thoughts
Will anyone save me?

My vision, slowly losing focus,
the bright lights fading into
bright circles,
the world eventually fading away.

My hearing, drowning in the silence;
oddly enough, there's a
loud buzzing, screaming,
telling me to stop.

My breathing, quiet, sniffing every now and then,
the movement of rib bones going up and down,
the feeling of a knife tracing my chest,
the way it poked me and made my heart bleed.

My mind, my heart.
Filled with feelings, yet almost none left for myself.
I'll always love other people,
but there isn't enough for me anyway.

What's the whole point, then?

let's take a walk
alone
under the night sky
as comforting as that seems,
it never is;

it's always
empty
the skies pin onto themselves
dead ***** of gases
deceased light years ago

yes, let's walk along Grove
leave false stars in the form of phones
back at home
let's walk alone
get lost