And so dawns
An age of pain
And uncertainties
And tears

But never will the great land forget
Those aches that rattle in her core
They are scars that will remain
For the grand sunrise of tomorrow

It is eagerly that I prepare
Turning out lights and *******
Setting aside the following days necessities
And brushing my hair

My heart dances when I see
The black sheets and tossled comforter
Against the matte sky peaking through my window
I sit and sink
Into the noisy springs
And flattened pillows

And almost immediately I descend into
Another bed of another life
In my desperate mind

And it is then that I forget
I'm between the sweet haze of otherworldly dreams
And among the vibrant feelings and happy ventures
The dull muted droll of my own life

And in the blue mornings
As I wake to chronic angers and patient responsibility
Inevitably the cloak of heavy unsatisfaction and disappointment
Settle onto my shoulders

And as before I carry on with my day
Counting the seconds
And blissfully dreaming
Of the bed that waits for me at home

It is eagerly that I prepare
Turning out lights and *******
Setting aside the following days necessities
And brushing my hair

My heart dances when I see
The black sheets and tossled comforter
Against the matte sky peaking through my window
I sit and sink
Into the noisy springs
And flattened pillows

And almost immediately I descend into
Another bed of another life
In my desperate mind

And it is then that I forget
I'm between the sweet haze of otherworldly dreams
And among the vibrant feelings and happy ventures
The dull muted droll of my own life

And in the blue mornings
As I wake to chronic angers and patient responsibility
Inevitably the cloak of heavy unsatisfaction and disappointment
Settle onto my shoulders

And as before I carry on with my day
Counting the seconds
And blissfully dreaming
Of the bed that waits for me at home

When I open my mouth
And words stumble out
the wrong ones
bring my pride down south

"I'm gay"
I say
every time, every day
every way

And then I speak up
and clarify
"Well, actually
I'm bi"

I hope my shame is as discreet
I hope one day I can say it clear
"I'm bisexual, isn't that neat?"
And I hope it is so this year

I strolled down Teeter Avenue
A sway in my step
A tug at my cheek
On the way to the bridge

The green fought through prison stone
And the clouds filled in my umbrellas shift
The waters below were singin'
Such a beautiful song

I took off my jacket
And set it aside
On a gay, tattered bench
An omen no one could hide

I took up a step
Into levels so free
And flung to my death
All while you watched me

It is when I lie defensless
That I reach the top - the peak
Of the only pleasant feeling.
It is that of my beautiful nightly affairs
That I do so crave each second I breathe

But as I stir
Waking to a morning
Quite the same as the rest
I chase the faint flicker
Of my sweet midnight endeavors

I struggle to cling
To the faint fading feeling
Of such wanderlust
Such joy
Red hair that I was enamored with

When I have opened my eyes in full
And let the sorrows of today
Tomorrow
And yesterday sink in
The memories skitter away forever

And I'm left to haul another day
Scraping the rugged mountainside
Overlooking the pain of collected rubble
Shoving its way under my fingernails
To reach the sweet escape

On the very top once again

He came to me
A shining man
Metallic swords
And endless chance

Paddling white horse
A silhouette in the beating sun
Golden rays brushing his shining sleeves
A dream unable to he undone

He offered his hand,
And off we danced
Twirling in the setting sunlight
Dipping and leading into the nights ascent

Under the sweet navy sky
Freckled with quivering white stars
In between the dark shadow trees
I fell in love, so hard and so high

Follows a morning sun
A valley of color and life
Noise, and time and sense resume
The perfect lovers day

But looking over
On the sweet sweet grass
He is not lying at the end of my love
He is walking to his mule

Wearing tattered clothing
His sword a gnarled rotting stick
Anything but shine
Anything but charm

"You are not my Prince"
I say to him
"I never said I was"

Squeeze my hands and pinch my cheeks
Walk me to the bus stop and take me to the park
Lets watch some movies and visit the creek
Lets talk until the sky is dark

Oh, Mommy, please don't raise your voice
Please don't say those words
Do you really think my character is ugly?
Do you really think my mind is absurd?

Oh, Mommy, please don't say I'm useless
Please give me a hug
Please don't send me to that stranger
and please don't throw our mugs

Hey, Mom, come
Listen to my teachers
the way they sing my song
listen to them brag about me
on and on and on

I'm so sorry, Mother
Do these A's need be higher?
Do I need to cower harder
Convince the world that you are not a liar?

Tell them I'm a bad girl
that I don't deserve your love?
Convince them I'm a hellchild
Or need it be more than that above?

Will then you take my hand and squeeze my cheeks?
Can we go to the park and visit the creek?
Can you walk me to the bus stop and talk all night long
Can we watch movies and pretend you didn't do anything wrong?

How strange it is
To bear witness
To see inside
Someone's mind

But how stranger it becomes
When the mind
Has stagnated
In one single place

For so long

After a battle
I lie
Fatigued
And fearful

That this is only the beginning
Of the long war to proceed
That I will have to fight
So much more

For my sanity
For my right
For my happiness
For everything

But at that moment I cannot move a muscle
I can barely bat an eye
My heart is numb
My throat dry

My drive - absent
And my will
To keep fighting
So small

It's scary when you find
These thoughts
These emotions
So extreme

And you've seen them represented
You'd think you would recognize them
But you don't
You don't

And then you start to think
Thoughts that aren't rational
Things that aren't real
But you think them anyway

And you start to wonder what blood
And death
And true peace
Tastes like

You wonder

A phantom throb
Through a pumping vessel
And I wait

Wait

Wait for the surge
But it doesn't come
It's only the ghost of what was

And the unborn fetus of what is to be
But in this moment
There is nothing

No throb
No surge
No twitch
No sob

Just an *****
That sits still
Moving naturally
In gentle ease

A dangerous feeling that lures
To the metallic shine
Of otherworldly deeds
That I would never consider otherwise

But when the stillness passes I am reborn again
Through with waiting for the moment of truth
Until we meet again

I can't stop moving
I'm restless but weak
I can't stop

I can't feel my legs
Or my fingers
I can't breathe

I can't see straight
My head is whirling
My stomach is empty

But I can't eat
I can't move
And I cant stop moving

I'm screaming
But also I can't speak
I'm gasping

Because again; I can't breathe
And I can't think
And I can't function
And I can't be good

And also I can't
Live
This way
I can't

Live

Don't tell me to breathe
Don't tell me its okay
Don't stay but dont leave
Don't say there's a way

Don't act like I'm fine
But don't hover and brood
Don't tell me I'm the star shine
But don't tell me I'm ugly or rude

Don't tell me anything at all

There's nothing you can do
Nothing you can say
To slow or brighten or stop
This ******* day

Unless you can fix me
Don't say I'll be okay

I died that day
And have been dead since
Dead and alive
Rotting inside
Crying every second
With dry eyes

And no one cares
It's ok no one can fix it anyway
And even if they could I wouldn't let them
But I wish they wanted to
I wish

I want the sweet kiss that ends it all
I want cold fingers to take a tight grasp
And snap my life
In two

So that I can crumple to the ground
With a smile and resting eyes
Happy
Because I'm finally at peace
Finally I am at peace

Finally
If only I'd die
Finally I'd be
Finally

A thin white sheet
Flimsy and irrelevant
To everyone but me

Because behind its elegance
I sit trapped
And every joy beyond the flowing curtain
I am never to meet

It's silly to think
Such fragility could be
What conquers and captures
The every feeling and fiber of me

But so it does and so I try
Every brooding day and ghastly night
To thrash and stop and fight
Though I do believe it'd be fairly easy
To just quit

And die

The sentences never flow the way I want them to
Much like my life never goes as planned
Just as my feelings never yeild to mind
Just as I never bow to pain

Don't stop fighting

The moment the conscious mind wakes
but the haze is still thick
clouding your morning thoughts
where all the tumbling feelings tremble and shake

just before reality takes its hold
and the whole body rises
right before all your fiber realizes
fibs are what youve been told

That is the moment
That is the blissful second
Where I can see your face
adnd hear your voice

And feel your skin under my fingers
and faintly taste you on my lips
that is the second where your smell still exists
That is the time where together we are alive

And then it slips through my fingers
like loose sand
like running water
like old memories

and away you fade
back into my head
back into my soul
back into a place where

you exist

and though I go on about the day
although i still eat and work and play
and talk and laugh and smile
You are still there

Under my searching fingers
on the horizon of my sight
oh so faintly in the air
oh so subtly on my tongue

You are everywhere

Sadness is not just tears
And sobs
And mourning and
Isolation

Sadness is the bags under your eyes
Because you can't sleep at night
Sadness is the indifferent silence where laughter used to ring

Sadness is empty chore where
Passion used to flow
Sadness is an occupied bed
With no sleeping scheduled

Sadness is the empty glint in your eyes
Where a twinkle used to shine
Sadness is a heavy sigh at
Two in the morning

And two in the afternoon
Sadness is losing interest
In people you used to adore
Sadness is slipping

From life everyday
But still breathing
Sadness is
Not sadness

This Sadness is Depression.
And Depression is dying
While you're still alive

Heavy eyes
Reluctant compromise
Ordinary routine lies
That tear and vaporize

I want to know the why's

I can feel
Every popping seam
And every tearing stitch
in the fabric of
our intersewn lives

I can feel the dividing powers
Not quite separating evenly
But taking and leaving
pieces of each other

As we go our own ways
Perhaps not in the physical world
Maybe not mentally either
but the implications are as clear as our once pronounced coexistence

Soon we will part
Turn and walk away from
a piece of our dying heart(s)
not feeling much but numb

And the apathy will even out
our gains and loses
so that we dont feel anything
as we break what once was

And despite the strange estrange
Given the warm memories
That leave me now frost with tears
or sadness that it should insinuate

That is not what squeezes me
Thats not what troubles me
It isnt whats left me puzzled
But what is

Is the fact that I am not as
grief-stricken
or heavy-hearted
anguished
as I'd presumed to be

And oh how much
How much that worries me

If you wish
You can wait.

Patience I ask
And understanding I plead
I know how enormous the task
So I won't blame you if you leave

I'm sorry I'm confusing
I'm sorry that I love(d?) You
I'm sorry for choosing
Your ears to bear me too

I know that you care
But subelty is not enough
I need someone to declare
Not hearing those words is tough

Im invasive
I need to know the how and why
I may seem abrasive
And I apologize for when I persistently try

But that is who I am
And if you cannot see through
If you cant seem to accept it, well ****
I'll sure miss you

Painting in different directions
Striving towards a painted goal
The chaos works as a nasty infection
In the pure health of the knitted souls

And all because half cannot
Make up her mind
Its seems all her training she's forgot
And her logic nowhere to find

And with each hesitant word
Comes a falling painted chip
To think of its demise would be absurd
How so much damage come from one lip?

Nothing but sky and earth clashing
Winds of desperation thrashing
Calming waters come out lashing
And everything I've ever known seems to be
Vanishing

Fabricated Moon
If only I'd seen it soon
Fibbing.  Dance.  I swoon.

Stop I tell you
Leave me to the ebony that is my home
Give me to the hungry
Curling fingers that bekon I say
Only a smaller ways, Iris
Only a little more

Just give us your whole
Give us the hope and we will give you peace
Give in to the thoughts that thrash
For attention
Give in the the shadows that are aching
Aching to hold you

Nobody cares
And that's okay
Give in
Stop fighting
Stop trying

Because you cannot win

I can feel the end
Ripping a new hole in the line of tragedy's
That have made my heart their home
I can heart its steps

As it stomps closer
Threatening my moon
Threatening the ease
And I can do nothing

But sit by
In hot tears
And watch it Pierce my life
With another absence

But it doesn't stop there
It binds together
My stolen treasures
And gives them my joy

Time for the pain
To eat me alive
One again

I just hope this time
I do come back
Breathing

You know how you know
you're gone?

When the art you once indulged in
The beauty you once created
The things you once loved

are now things you can't stand

With fear
that stems from the anxious shivers
That drives cold chills
though my skin

And into my head

Water and Oil
Science and Faith
Tradition and Contemporary
Pride and Anxiety

My mind
A selfish melting ***
of nothing and everything
Trying to scream at the same time

I want to devote
but I know it'll bring nothing but
pain
that I don't care to feel again

But how do I live my life
without the affection
that I spend everyday
craving

Tell me
Tell me
Oh, any deity that will come with open ears
Tell me

How

It takes so much to convince myself
that it is okay
That I am not sick
That this is not wrong

But all that hard work
is wiped clean with the hand
that shall remain unnamed

because who am I to say
That being what I am isn't wrong?
They put us down
and down I go

Because there's a part of myself
that believes with every fiber
that to be what I have grown to be

is *wrong

A moon to me, was brought
A glowing persistence that illuminated
the blithe of my world

And oh did I cherish that moon so
Oh how I cared for it
Oh how I

Loved it
with all that was left of
me

But the brilliance
that poured from its surface
faded

to nothing
to become only a dark
cold rock

I am sorry, Moon
I am sorry you were not enough
I am sorry I do not love you so

I can feel
I can feel
I've felt the sun
I know it's real

I know how to care
how much I do
all for you my dear
all for you

Oh how intense this pain will be
oh how long this hours dread
Please spare me, unknown deity
Forgive all that I've said

Let me slip
into the bottomless void
Let me fall
Please let me avoid

Save me
Don't let me relearn
What I know
Don't let the fire burn

Put it out
with the coldest of waters
replace it with even
the evilest of inner monsters

Just please
I pray
Don't let
Me float too far in stray

Please don't
let me sway

I'm aware my gift lives really
as a hopeless bane from above
so please oh please don't leave me to


*love

Was Strange
singular
queer
unsuspecting
extraordinary

frightening
­
but mostly strange

very very



*strange