Your acknowledgement, your praise
The words I've wanted to hear for years
The daydreams that put me in a daze
All the hate settled upon my mirrors

I understand that this is all owed to desperation
I understand you have never felt what I once did
And this very strange fixation
Is because; my insecurity you do rid

They may all be lies
Fibs to which I would never succumb
But, from the despair and fear, you've shielded my eyes
and I no longer feel numb

You have not healed me
I am far from this
But I feel free
From All the painful reminisce

Sadness is not just tears
And sobs
And mourning and
Isolation

Sadness is the bags under your eyes
Because you can't sleep at night
Sadness is the indifferent silence where laughter used to ring

Sadness is empty chore where
Passion used to flow
Sadness is an occupied bed
With no sleeping scheduled

Sadness is the empty glint in your eyes
Where a twinkle used to shine
Sadness is a heavy sigh at
Two in the morning

And two in the afternoon
Sadness is losing interest
In people you used to adore
Sadness is slipping

From life everyday
But still breathing
Sadness is
Not sadness

This Sadness is Depression.
And Depression is dying
While you're still alive

When I open my mouth
And words stumble out
the wrong ones
bring my pride down south

"I'm gay"
I say
every time, every day
every way

And then I speak up
and clarify
"Well, actually
I'm bi"

I hope my shame is as discreet
I hope one day I can say it clear
"I'm bisexual, isn't that neat?"
And I hope it is so this year

And the tear meets the floor
the sob escapes my lips
My body shudders
my knees give out

I am clueless on whether I should feel
afraid
or relieved

I can feel
It is a million times different than before
but its there

My heart is not stone
It beats
not rapidly
not specifically


but its alive
I'm alive
and I love you

Oh dear god I love you
I pray to any god who will help me
help me shed the feeling
I bear for those

That I
Cannot
have

It takes so much to convince myself
that it is okay
That I am not sick
That this is not wrong

But all that hard work
is wiped clean with the hand
that shall remain unnamed

because who am I to say
That being what I am isn't wrong?
They put us down
and down I go

Because there's a part of myself
that believes with every fiber
that to be what I have grown to be

is *wrong

It is eagerly that I prepare
Turning out lights and *******
Setting aside the following days necessities
And brushing my hair

My heart dances when I see
The black sheets and tossled comforter
Against the matte sky peaking through my window
I sit and sink
Into the noisy springs
And flattened pillows

And almost immediately I descend into
Another bed of another life
In my desperate mind

And it is then that I forget
I'm between the sweet haze of otherworldly dreams
And among the vibrant feelings and happy ventures
The dull muted droll of my own life

And in the blue mornings
As I wake to chronic angers and patient responsibility
Inevitably the cloak of heavy unsatisfaction and disappointment
Settle onto my shoulders

And as before I carry on with my day
Counting the seconds
And blissfully dreaming
Of the bed that waits for me at home

I can't stop moving
I'm restless but weak
I can't stop

I can't feel my legs
Or my fingers
I can't breathe

I can't see straight
My head is whirling
My stomach is empty

But I can't eat
I can't move
And I cant stop moving

I'm screaming
But also I can't speak
I'm gasping

Because again; I can't breathe
And I can't think
And I can't function
And I can't be good

And also I can't
Live
This way
I can't

Live

You're free

He came to me
A shining man
Metallic swords
And endless chance

Paddling white horse
A silhouette in the beating sun
Golden rays brushing his shining sleeves
A dream unable to he undone

He offered his hand,
And off we danced
Twirling in the setting sunlight
Dipping and leading into the nights ascent

Under the sweet navy sky
Freckled with quivering white stars
In between the dark shadow trees
I fell in love, so hard and so high

Follows a morning sun
A valley of color and life
Noise, and time and sense resume
The perfect lovers day

But looking over
On the sweet sweet grass
He is not lying at the end of my love
He is walking to his mule

Wearing tattered clothing
His sword a gnarled rotting stick
Anything but shine
Anything but charm

"You are not my Prince"
I say to him
"I never said I was"

I didn't understand
because I thought it didn't apply
to
me

The disapproval that comes
subtly but surely
from the woman
who raised you

And in so many ways
Because of the person
I have grown to
be

Because I didnt become a replica
Because I didnt fall a slave
to every
silly idea or claim that bled

From her fangs.
I'm not sorry
however
for setting my own morals

For finding a part of myself
That I could not
change
I am not sorry

For growing to be the Hercules
to your
Hades
I am not

Sorry

For being the one to find and point out
the wrong
the wrong
In ever claim of your


**"Right"

A thin white sheet
Flimsy and irrelevant
To everyone but me

Because behind its elegance
I sit trapped
And every joy beyond the flowing curtain
I am never to meet

It's silly to think
Such fragility could be
What conquers and captures
The every feeling and fiber of me

But so it does and so I try
Every brooding day and ghastly night
To thrash and stop and fight
Though I do believe it'd be fairly easy
To just quit

And die

I was ready
Two years
countless single-person
arguments

Countless late nights
Dozens of dreams
and thousands of thought threads
later

I was ready
And then you waltzed
out of my life
without even knowing

That you had crushed the chances
and pushed away
a long overdue apology

I'm sorry
I was ready
and
**I'm sorry

Was Strange
singular
queer
unsuspecting
extraordinary

frightening
­
but mostly strange

very very



*strange

It's scary when you find
These thoughts
These emotions
So extreme

And you've seen them represented
You'd think you would recognize them
But you don't
You don't

And then you start to think
Thoughts that aren't rational
Things that aren't real
But you think them anyway

And you start to wonder what blood
And death
And true peace
Tastes like

You wonder

If you wish
You can wait.

Patience I ask
And understanding I plead
I know how enormous the task
So I won't blame you if you leave

I'm sorry I'm confusing
I'm sorry that I love(d?) You
I'm sorry for choosing
Your ears to bear me too

I know that you care
But subelty is not enough
I need someone to declare
Not hearing those words is tough

Im invasive
I need to know the how and why
I may seem abrasive
And I apologize for when I persistently try

But that is who I am
And if you cannot see through
If you cant seem to accept it, well ****
I'll sure miss you

I can feel
I can feel
I've felt the sun
I know it's real

I know how to care
how much I do
all for you my dear
all for you

Oh how intense this pain will be
oh how long this hours dread
Please spare me, unknown deity
Forgive all that I've said

Let me slip
into the bottomless void
Let me fall
Please let me avoid

Save me
Don't let me relearn
What I know
Don't let the fire burn

Put it out
with the coldest of waters
replace it with even
the evilest of inner monsters

Just please
I pray
Don't let
Me float too far in stray

Please don't
let me sway

I'm aware my gift lives really
as a hopeless bane from above
so please oh please don't leave me to


*love

After a battle
I lie
Fatigued
And fearful

That this is only the beginning
Of the long war to proceed
That I will have to fight
So much more

For my sanity
For my right
For my happiness
For everything

But at that moment I cannot move a muscle
I can barely bat an eye
My heart is numb
My throat dry

My drive - absent
And my will
To keep fighting
So small

I only see the gray
of the rainbow stained skies
Every hour of Every day
I can only improvise

In the past it was easy
since the laughs were sincere
and in the moment briefly
there was no such thing as fear

And now I sit indifferent
but in anguish all the same
seemingly irrelevant
with nothing and no one to blame

Squeeze my hands and pinch my cheeks
Walk me to the bus stop and take me to the park
Lets watch some movies and visit the creek
Lets talk until the sky is dark

Oh, Mommy, please don't raise your voice
Please don't say those words
Do you really think my character is ugly?
Do you really think my mind is absurd?

Oh, Mommy, please don't say I'm useless
Please give me a hug
Please don't send me to that stranger
and please don't throw our mugs

Hey, Mom, come
Listen to my teachers
the way they sing my song
listen to them brag about me
on and on and on

I'm so sorry, Mother
Do these A's need be higher?
Do I need to cower harder
Convince the world that you are not a liar?

Tell them I'm a bad girl
that I don't deserve your love?
Convince them I'm a hellchild
Or need it be more than that above?

Will then you take my hand and squeeze my cheeks?
Can we go to the park and visit the creek?
Can you walk me to the bus stop and talk all night long
Can we watch movies and pretend you didn't do anything wrong?

A phantom throb
Through a pumping vessel
And I wait

Wait

Wait for the surge
But it doesn't come
It's only the ghost of what was

And the unborn fetus of what is to be
But in this moment
There is nothing

No throb
No surge
No twitch
No sob

Just an *****
That sits still
Moving naturally
In gentle ease

A dangerous feeling that lures
To the metallic shine
Of otherworldly deeds
That I would never consider otherwise

But when the stillness passes I am reborn again
Through with waiting for the moment of truth
Until we meet again

There's something
Something
Something wrong

The vocals of our winged friends
The beams
The warmth

Its all there
Everything is there
So why?

Why do I want to cry?

I can feel the end
Ripping a new hole in the line of tragedy's
That have made my heart their home
I can heart its steps

As it stomps closer
Threatening my moon
Threatening the ease
And I can do nothing

But sit by
In hot tears
And watch it Pierce my life
With another absence

But it doesn't stop there
It binds together
My stolen treasures
And gives them my joy

Time for the pain
To eat me alive
One again

I just hope this time
I do come back
Breathing

The thought that flickered
The second that passed
The moment I considered
It could have been my last

It wasn't a hideous joke
Not a wicked, humorous pass
Tears escaped my eyes in an awkward stroke
Maybe that was the answer at last

I would die an exact age
Not a day too young or too old
But that would be my last page?
This be my life for all to behold?

No, not here
Not now
I will not just disappear
Nor to her I will ever bow

Freedom I will taste
Away with fear I will kiss
Under no haste
*I will subsist

I strolled down Teeter Avenue
A sway in my step
A tug at my cheek
On the way to the bridge

The green fought through prison stone
And the clouds filled in my umbrellas shift
The waters below were singin'
Such a beautiful song

I took off my jacket
And set it aside
On a gay, tattered bench
An omen no one could hide

I took up a step
Into levels so free
And flung to my death
All while you watched me

And so dawns
An age of pain
And uncertainties
And tears

But never will the great land forget
Those aches that rattle in her core
They are scars that will remain
For the grand sunrise of tomorrow

It is when I lie defensless
That I reach the top - the peak
Of the only pleasant feeling.
It is that of my beautiful nightly affairs
That I do so crave each second I breathe

But as I stir
Waking to a morning
Quite the same as the rest
I chase the faint flicker
Of my sweet midnight endeavors

I struggle to cling
To the faint fading feeling
Of such wanderlust
Such joy
Red hair that I was enamored with

When I have opened my eyes in full
And let the sorrows of today
Tomorrow
And yesterday sink in
The memories skitter away forever

And I'm left to haul another day
Scraping the rugged mountainside
Overlooking the pain of collected rubble
Shoving its way under my fingernails
To reach the sweet escape

On the very top once again

The moment the conscious mind wakes
but the haze is still thick
clouding your morning thoughts
where all the tumbling feelings tremble and shake

just before reality takes its hold
and the whole body rises
right before all your fiber realizes
fibs are what youve been told

That is the moment
That is the blissful second
Where I can see your face
adnd hear your voice

And feel your skin under my fingers
and faintly taste you on my lips
that is the second where your smell still exists
That is the time where together we are alive

And then it slips through my fingers
like loose sand
like running water
like old memories

and away you fade
back into my head
back into my soul
back into a place where

you exist

and though I go on about the day
although i still eat and work and play
and talk and laugh and smile
You are still there

Under my searching fingers
on the horizon of my sight
oh so faintly in the air
oh so subtly on my tongue

You are everywhere

When life has you on your toes
snapping her fingers
and clicking her tongue
in disapproval

Too much on you plate?
no such thing
and so the pile grows
until you've stretched so thin

That your physical being
is actually
numb

Melted within the small skull cavity;
blending with the bone;
You mind is long gone
and so is your sanity

But you keep performing
because life
is cruel
and unforgiving

to any
with faults
that break the surface