I didn't understand
because I thought it didn't apply
to
me

The disapproval that comes
subtly but surely
from the woman
who raised you

And in so many ways
Because of the person
I have grown to
be

Because I didnt become a replica
Because I didnt fall a slave
to every
silly idea or claim that bled

From her fangs.
I'm not sorry
however
for setting my own morals

For finding a part of myself
That I could not
change
I am not sorry

For growing to be the Hercules
to your
Hades
I am not

Sorry

For being the one to find and point out
the wrong
the wrong
In ever claim of your


**"Right"

I can no longer sit
and write
with ease

The stories of fear
were so alluring
I could read them
for eternity

But now they're nothing but
a tedious
chore

Reading in general
is
hard

The words lull me to sleep
and the story makes no
sense
at all

My dreams
have melted away
into a corner of my mind
that I don't dare

                                                           ­                                             touch

Nothing is exciting
Nothing brings me
smiles

I can feel the part of myself
that I was so sure of
slipping
through my fingers

Being torn away
by the cruel grasp
of
of


                                                   ­                                                  of what?


I
I don't know
but I desperately hold
whats left
with an iron grip

And I fear if I look
at what I have saved
Ill find a handful of


                                                            ­                                          Nothing

I was ready
Two years
countless single-person
arguments

Countless late nights
Dozens of dreams
and thousands of thought threads
later

I was ready
And then you waltzed
out of my life
without even knowing

That you had crushed the chances
and pushed away
a long overdue apology

I'm sorry
I was ready
and
**I'm sorry

And the tear meets the floor
the sob escapes my lips
My body shudders
my knees give out

I am clueless on whether I should feel
afraid
or relieved

I can feel
It is a million times different than before
but its there

My heart is not stone
It beats
not rapidly
not specifically


but its alive
I'm alive
and I love you

Oh dear god I love you
I pray to any god who will help me
help me shed the feeling
I bear for those

That I
Cannot
have

When life has you on your toes
snapping her fingers
and clicking her tongue
in disapproval

Too much on you plate?
no such thing
and so the pile grows
until you've stretched so thin

That your physical being
is actually
numb

Melted within the small skull cavity;
blending with the bone;
You mind is long gone
and so is your sanity

But you keep performing
because life
is cruel
and unforgiving

to any
with faults
that break the surface

Don't you ever get tired?                                             Don't
Don't you ever get tired?                                             You
Don't you ever get tired?                                             Ever
Don't you ever get tired?                                             Get
Don't you ever get tired?                                            Tired
                                                                                           ?





Of being




A *Human?

Sleep
                                                                                            Sleep
Oh how i love her so

Sleep

I drown in the beauty
of delusion
the colors
That I bath in

The smiles
That I cause

The image
That I
want

But its all in my head
because in the real world
sleep is sleep and dreams . . .

Dreams are dead
                                                                                                  Dead

I was happy
I was happy
I was happy

was I not?

I was happy
I was happy

Or so I thought?

I was happy

perhaps I'm just caught

or



No,  I wasn't happy
I wasn't

There's something
Something
Something wrong

The vocals of our winged friends
The beams
The warmth

Its all there
Everything is there
So why?

Why do I want to cry?

It is difficult now
To feel the empty woe in my chest
It is hard to imagine
My tumbling world of insignificant success

The distractions have grown
Covering and Overlapping
But theres is a faint noise in the back of my mind
Its the subtle tapping

"Here I am" It mocks
"Here I am to stay" But I continue to ignore
Hoping maybe one day it'll starve of deprivation
After all: Its food is attention

But I know It isn't gone
I know It won't just disappear
I wish It would leave me be
Things are good now, you see

Except for the little voice that whispers late at night
The one that taps
The one that mocks
I hope he knows, that I wont give in without a fight

But my fight is limited
and smaller it shrinks
I might have a chance
Or so I think

They whimper
They are scared
They swear to any deity
That they are missing

And perhaps they are
Deep in the crevices of the mind
The darkness has closed in
And no separation can they find

But it spreads
Along the walls, covering the hidden
and finding the departed
And soon it finds the brim

With a giggle and skip
Around and down they all dip
From the glass of amusement they sip
and with a squeeze, it has your entirety in its grip

Now you are truly astray
When you reverse, but you don't
When you try to return,
but it all looks the same now

That's when you know
Not when you're sad
Not when you're angry
But when feeling don't exist anymore

You are lost when you become immune

The confidence that I clawed to reach
The ideas so sure, so secure
All the concepts they dared to preach
I honestly believed it was the one and only cure

But where am I now?
In the exact same position as before
And there isn't any other way I know how
I am standing at the last door

Behind it is yet another brick wall
I have no other way to go
I've been beaten to a crawl
and forever I will dwell in such a powerful woe

The thought that flickered
The second that passed
The moment I considered
It could have been my last

It wasn't a hideous joke
Not a wicked, humorous pass
Tears escaped my eyes in an awkward stroke
Maybe that was the answer at last

I would die an exact age
Not a day too young or too old
But that would be my last page?
This be my life for all to behold?

No, not here
Not now
I will not just disappear
Nor to her I will ever bow

Freedom I will taste
Away with fear I will kiss
Under no haste
*I will subsist

You're free

Your baffling dance was my sweet giggle
Your smile was mine
In the light, or in the dark
You were here

I want to dance in the light
knowing that you're right beside me
I want to feel the warmth of your hands
I want to reach out and touch you
Just to make sure you're real

And I do
And you're not

You disappear with the slightest touch
falling into fragments of my strongest dream
Your voice only echos in my mind
And I am alone

I am broken
beyond repair

And Here I Lay
Forced to the ground
Your absence will be the end of me
If I cannot rise

These words, they echo
They've already been thought before
I decide to feel instead of think
but emptying my mind is such a chore

These tears, they burn
They've already been shed
I cry instead of speak
it's all the emotion I have bled

These feeling, they hurt
They've already been felt
But I don't feel instead of do
Under the fire I just melt

Your acknowledgement, your praise
The words I've wanted to hear for years
The daydreams that put me in a daze
All the hate settled upon my mirrors

I understand that this is all owed to desperation
I understand you have never felt what I once did
And this very strange fixation
Is because; my insecurity you do rid

They may all be lies
Fibs to which I would never succumb
But, from the despair and fear, you've shielded my eyes
and I no longer feel numb

You have not healed me
I am far from this
But I feel free
From All the painful reminisce

The only thing worse than bottling up the sadness
the anger
the frustration
and the pain

Is having many people be aware
but knowing in your heart that
not one of them really care