I own myself
I create myself
Fell in love with myself
And oh how it felt.

someone notice
i'm wearing this little black dress.
want someone to see my lace set.
need eyes not a compliment.
  
someone feel this.
lets slow dance
grind my hips.
pretend that its pleasant.

grab these thighs
get aggressive with soft hands and slow grinds.
make me feel that first time
'i'm high' sigh tonight.

someone notice
i put on this little black dress.

Nervous.
Frightened.
Caring.
Space.

Words.
Smiles.
Memories.
Hea­rts race.

Feelings
Break
Hands
Shake

One
Gives
One
Takes

One
Destr­oys
One
Creates

One
On time
One
Always late

Trust
Begins
But trust
Always fades

come a little closer baby
i feel like letting you in.
and i feel like telling you everything,
that i held so deep within.

all those little secrets.
all the those times i was shy
and here i am open arms,
and i'm ready to explain the fright.

and i'm ready to tell you the *****.
the clean, the boring, the new.
i'll tell you what you want to hear,
i just feel like talking to you.

come a little closer baby.
i feel like letting you learn.
the ropes and maze to my heart,
but i won't lie i'm still concerned.

i don't know how much it'll last,
so lean in while you can.
i've got things to whisper baby,
so lean in, just take my hand.

It wasn't just a spark
It was fire and it roared
It wasn't just a dribble
It was heavy rain that poured

salty air,
not by the sea.

inches like miles,
and choked back tears.

i cried and then i thought about it
i thought about it and then i laid in bed.
i laid in bed and then i poured my heart out
into a sea of words left unsaid.

and i whispered every word,
every confused and unmarked letter.
and then i cried some more,
even though i knew so much better.

i laughed and then i smiled.
the smile faded way too quick
and i would've cried some more,
if the tears didn't make me feel so sick.

my head is numb from the knowledge,
i knew it was coming too fast.
and now my heart is learning,
but this concept.. it just can't grasp.

i cried and then i shivered.
i thought this feeling would fade so much quicker.

Disappointed
I had high hopes for this
And now I'm sighing heavily
And I'm feeling reckless.

Avoiding
Detour
Pretend
Ignore

Silence the
Truth
And ignore
The lie

I tried to surrender
But you needed better
And I couldn't ever
Just give you forever

But I tried to give all
And I tried to fall
And now I can't sleep
As I'm weak in the knees

And I choose to please
But it's never for me
And now I will dream,
You surrender to me.

facing forward and leaning back
i'm in the moment, and i'm on track.
i'm living for tonight, but i'm breathing for tomorrow
and i'm screaming tonight, but i'll be whispering tomorrow.

theres nights where i can't feel you,
no matter the rhythm i breathe.
and some nights i can't shake you,
no matter what demons i feed.

i can't escape the feelings
of torture from the past.
and i'm running towards tomorrow,
but i'm gripping my hand-held flask.

I looked into the sky
And I thought of all those times
We had our moments that we thought meant we'd last forever.

And I looked into the sea
And felt all of those feelings
We had when we thought we would last forever.

proving
misconstruing.

hearing
sneering

fearing
weary.

i could tell you i'm devastated
i could tell you i scream in pain,
as i fall asleep as night
but what would i really gain?

i could tell you i physically ache.
i could tell you i'll never love no one else
but at the end of the night,
i'm saying all these things to just myself

every unanswered question
I cried out when I was in pain
I think back to those heartbreaks
and find the answers in your name.

every weak moment was a lesson
it taught me strength to carry through
karate kid' my toxic traits

who knew I was just preparing to love you.

my pen used to only know paper
when I was gray and cold inside.
but your kindness inspires writing,
you've got me addicted between the lines.

I still check my phone,
and I still search your name.
and I can't stop scrolling,
because scrolling is pain.

if people knew
the thought you have when they are away

do you think, they'd contemplate
the idea of staying?

do you think it'd change their mind?

do you think it'd change their heart?

even if it didn't..

do you think it'd be a start?

Life is strolling along
Just wish I knew which road to take
I could take it to the ocean
But what if I miss the lake.

Dreams are meant to be envisioned
But I don't paint myself into any picture
And I'm trying to find the signs
But I just sit here and I linger.

You used to leave your door unlocked
And I used to throw back the shots
Climb into your bed
And remove my socks
Then you’d undress me
Caress me
Make a mess of me

I’d wake in the dawn
Before light I’d be gone
Sometimes we’d grab food
If I needed a ride from you

Used to hit my cell up
Whenever you were still up
I used to be the girl that picked you up from the bar
Cuz I was too young and you were always so far

Used to be the one you came to
When you were feeling lonely and needing someone to come clean to

Someone you relied on
But only in the ways you allowed
Now I watch as you found happiness
And i couldn’t be anymore proud

You found your something
You never could find in me
And you would think that I’m sad
But I’m genuinely happy

Happiness looks good on you two
And on all of those nights i knew what they meant to you

Friends in the sheets
But not on the streets
Not in town
Just when nobody was around

Just us,nothing to tell
But man how I miss when you’d drag me through hell.

Intimate
Isn't it?

Lovin it,
Making it.

Intuative
Into it.

ignore it
pretend it,
didn't happen.

forget it.
hide it.
avoid it.

you've had me, you've had me
and you've had me not
so you think that by now
you'd know what you want

you had me, you have me
and you're losing me now
you can either pull me in
or you can let me down

I was yours, and I am yours
but I'm not like before
you've not giving what you've given,
and I'm heart aching for more.

you want to explore
want to know through and through
but I gave you every inch of me,
I have nothing left to expose to you.

let me in, let me in
or let me go, let me go
I'm in this, and I'm willing
how could you not know?

I’m not saying bye this time
Won’t be the first to say hello
Because I’m tired of feeling so high
Only to feel so low

Tired of the dissatisfaction
Tired of my minds replays
Tired of your words
Just tired of being tired all day.

Maybe it’s good
And maybe it’s bad
Maybe it’ll happen
But I’ve detached myself from that

What happens will happen
Let’s just see how it goes
Just want to see how it plays out
You see, I finally let go of the hope

I don’t love like I used to
My heart doesn’t give as much
I blame it on them
But it was your touch.

It was your moves
The way you made me frozen in fear
Beg for your love
But your love was too near

Too close for comfort
You are breaking her heart
In her eyes lies sadness
And she doesn’t even know that part

I wanted to write you a poem
I wanted it to be sweet and full of light
But catch me alone with pen and some paper
And the vibe is everything but right.

The pen will start to wander,
Just as far as my head allows
And I'm trying to make it loving,
But my creativity doesn't know how.

I can describe the uneasiness,
The back and forth, or even the pain
But ask me for the sweetness
And it just isn't the same.

See when they ask me about love
I answer with words of heartbreak
It's hard to describe a feeling
When it's always been a mistake.

I could write a poem,
I could rhyme some words together
But would it really mean anything
If it was just small talk like the weather?

I wish I knew how to talk about it
Or what I even need to talk about
It's not that I'm avoiding
I just literally don't know how.

Words used to come easy,
I over shared and I was burned
And now I just observe my thoughts
And I swallow all the words.

It's hard to expose myself
I've done enough of that in the past
So I'm quieting the noise
But the silence doesn't last.

I find myself fighting to hang on
Some days it's easier said than done
But I'm answering all the calls
In hopes that you're the one.

I'm spending time alone
But don't think that I am lonely
I'm enjoying my peace
And just waiting for you to come hold me.

I watch the phone all day
I thought it was bad before
But I'm glued to my screen
In hopes I get to hear that voice some more.

I got that grind
I ride
not another 'I'm fly'
or 'hot' reply.

I don't mess around
I was born for this
up and down
forward to back
now you're holding your breath
but it's time to relax

enjoy the motion
this ocean of explosion
I'm taking in the tide
more than once tonight.

I fell in love with the way you made me feel safe.
I fell in love with the way your arms made me feel small.
I fell in love with the way your laugh sounded with mine,
I even fell in love with the sadness, the roughness.. fell in love with it all.

But you don't make me feel safe,
You make me feel on edge.
And im in your arms
But im stuck in my head.

And im swimming in my own sadness now,
Because i can't help but playback our memories,
And even though most were good,
The name calling gets the best of me.

I've always done this thing,
Where i spell words inside my head
And usually at night
Im finding letters to lies that you had said.

Forgiving is easy,
But forgetting I cant.
I wish it were different,
Like what we first had.

I dont want to argue
And i dont want either of us broken hearted,
But sometimes fighting comes naturally
When my little heart is so guarded.

Its hard to see a future
When I cant see past next month.
With every fight I lose my faith,
And i dont know if love is enough.

I've spent a lot of time
wasting away my days
And i can't help but wonder
If this is just another case.

I never wanted perfect.
I wanted raw and real,
But now I dont even know what this is,
And i dont even know how to feel.

Its like before a bruise has healed,
Here comes another round of hurt.
And im trying to tend to the pain,
And then you give me just one more burn.

Its like I'm sliding down a rope
And my hands are burning on the way down
It would be easier to just let go,
But im scared to fall 10 inches to the ground.

I cant let go of the idea
That you planted at the start.
Yeah you keep on breaking it,
Why do you even have my heart.

I feel out of control.
Because you define my feelings more than I do.
And sometimes I try to take the reigns,
But my heart belongs to you.

mmm

1
2
maybe 3

mmm

rubbing
mmm
inside me

collide in me
sigh with me
enjoy the ride with me

I'm climbing
the timing
it's here
tick
tock

POP
I stop.

Tonight I realized
What my muse was
And it hit me hard
Kind of like how I used to be hard headed
And you used to be a kid
And I was a kid
And we were just kids

I told myself a long time ago
I only write when something hurts me
Like the pain builds up inside my head
Until the words find a way to bleed.

I haven't written words in a while
I thought I finally closed my notes
And then I opened a new entry
And we know how this story goes.

I'm pouring every letter
That has been stuffed inside these days
And I can't stop even if I wanted
Because inspiration always has its way.

I wish I could finish a chapter
And finally close a book
But happy ever after
Hurts more than it looks.

Time consumes me most days
But nothing makes time more slow
Than stuffing the words and feelings
Inside where no one goes.

Pieces never came together
They would fit but only with force
And even when I think im close
I find more pieces on the floor.

I don’t really think that anymore
I used to believe it to my core
And sometimes I wonder
What I am even wondering for

Less wondering
More remembering
Replay replay again and again
Less wondering
More remembering
Replay the end again and again

Daddy
I whisper
Dare I say it loud
Baby,
You  grab me
And you turn me around.

Who am I?
You lean in,
Your teeth on my neck
Daddy,
I whimper
And now I’m down on the bed

Back to you
Back up
Face down
Shut up

One
Two
Three
Four
Mmm
I lost count
Punish me
More.