I look at you and I know that nothing will ever happen
Yet my eyes still linger on you as you pass
They are still waiting for your eyes to answer
They search, they stay, they follow
Never getting their reply

Sometimes I remember that your heart does not beat for me
That I am not what makes your smile form
I'm not the one your eyes search for
And for just a moment it bothers me
I don't understand why I feel this jealousy

I've never known the way your arms feel wrapped around me
I've never known how your laugh feels when it's caused by me
And I've certainly never known the feeling of your lips on mine
Yet I find myself missing these things I've never known

Carefully the needle penetrates into my skin
With every new puncture the thread follows along

In and out again and again
Till it reaches the end and finally
A harsh pull, a few tugs

Then the string is snipped free at last
Its been completely sewn shut

Only after you closed me up
Did you ask me how my day was
How I was feeling

But what could I say
With my mouth sewn shut?

With every touch you turn more and more of me into treasured gold

He said he brought me a flower
I expected a rose, but he handed me a Dahlia
"Rose's aren't my type" he told me
In a garden of a hundred perfect flowers
He didn't choose some carbon-copy crimson petals
He saw in me what he didn't in them
He saw something unique, or as he put it
"Something promising a forever"

Why must we crave and long for love when we do not have it,
Only to waste and abuse it when it's in our unworthy grasp?
We search and tear the world apart for a great love
Yet we take love for granted when it is finally tangible
It's a cycle of tears
Too hard to give up
Too painful to repeat

To the next love to walk my path
I apologize for the weeds and wilted flowers
The last person to ever tend to my garden
Watered my plants with herbicide

Love is the crossroads of two garden paths
The thing about loving is that it is selfless
I will want to love you more and think of myself less
So I choose to walk your path and tend to your beautiful flora
While I forsake my own in your love and care
It is you and I who decide when we wilt and when we flourish

But will I let it wilt in the end?

I try to give up poetry
Like it is some horrible habit
Instead I find it is addictive
As I try to pull away
It breathes it's literary nicotine
Down my throat
And it seeps into my heart

Yet when I read another's art
It makes the cycle repeat
As once again I feel shame
Truly it is an addiction
Just one that I can't stop
There is no rehab
For a poet's vice

My favorite brand of cigarette, passion

"Are you alright?"
He's the only one who asks me this
The only one who reads my feelings even when I do not
"I love you."
He tells us every night
No one else has done this right

"If you want to cry, you can cry
If you want to yell, then yell
I just want you to feel better."
Never has anyone said something like that to me
Something to make me feel understood rather than incomplete

"You are such a great person."
It seems he has these words inside some secret vault
Labeled "For when they are broken"
He keeps them stored and safe
For just in case those two girls break
He sends these words in times of need

I don't think he knows
That those words are just what we long to hear
When we think we can't be complete with all our fractures
He gives encouragement and makes us feel together
He's like the missing piece to a puzzle that you almost threw out
Something that you can't live without

I crave my own fairy tale
I want someone who feels like poetry
To rid the hopelessness from my romantic heart
And share with me a happily ever after

I don't need a prince or white knight
A pauper or squire is all that I desire
I don't require a gallant quest or noble steed
Eyes that are just for me is all that I need

I'll write my own tale to fill your storybook
Every page a poem of waiting
Till one day they are no longer of longing
And are filled with ode's to my one true love

Last night I dreamt I took you back
Yet even in my dreams your heart is black
Just as quickly you turned your back
Which is why picturing our future was faded black

I thought that you'd teach me how to love
Instead I learned how to fall out of it

I've been wondering since the moment you left
What those feelings that I had meant
Did they have a name and was I to blame
Why I felt that way and how to make it go away

I know now that it was never my fault
You hold all the blame and I curse your very name
I feel betrayal pull itself through my being
As the word leaves my lips in a whisper

How could I ever love someone who mistook discomfort for fun?
How could I trust someone who's eyes wandered as they were with me?
How could I think he loved me when even after a year his closest friends did not know me?

It didn't register to me that I was angry or that I was sad
I thought we parted on mutual terms
But you weren't satisfied by my lack of suffering
So you came back to make it clear that no part of you is capable trusting

All you've ever told me
All the "I love you's"
All the "You're my world's"
Hidden inside every word
Was a lie

He is afraid of his future
Unsure what path to walk
Upon his tightrope of pressure
He walks without a safety net

If he looks down he falls
If he looks up he becomes dizzy
His only option is to look straight ahead
Eventually he will reach the other side to safety

But it isn’t about the start or the end
It is about the journey and the adventure in between
It will work itself out
If he keeps a level head and his balance is set

He will see his future fall in place before it's met
And kiss the thin rope he had tread
As it took him on the path that showed to him
The meaning of destiny, fate, and chance

If you find your passion then there is no limit
Whatever anyone tells you about it doesn't matter
It is an irreplaceable part of you that they can't take away
Even if they are jealous because it can never be a part of them

Her eyes are full of poison
I take them in large thick doses
I can't seem to tear away from her stare
She hypnotizes me with every glare
I long to linger in her gaze
But the poison seeps into my veins
Straight to my heart I feel the lasting effect
Of her lovely venom flowing deep within
I trust her not to strike me with more than I can bare
And I let her poison me while I’m well aware
I’ve become like a snake charmer, I've tamed her stare

Come here
Taint me with all
Of the empty promises
You keep stored within
Your eyes
Your heart
And behind
Your lips

Come here
Tell me something that
I may not know
About myself
Because clearly you know me
Better than I do
My fears
My passions
My hopes
And my regrets

Go ahead
Fill my head
With dreams
That you say we
Could share
That we
Could hold
Within a gentle grasp

Go ahead
Crush those dreams
Within your
Deadly clasp
Destroy the
Beauty
That we hoped
Could one day be
The glue
That would hold
Us together

I can feel your eyes as they bare into my back
I know you are looking without checking
And without thinking I know I'm looking too

I catch you sometimes in reflections
The whiteboard, my laptop screen, the window
I'm not a fool, you can't hide from me

And I suppose neither I from you

We always talks about putting our broken pieces back together
Or we speak of mending another with tape and glue
Like stitches that won't undo
But putting the pieces back together wont make them new
Why don't we ever think about picking up each others broken parts
And placing them where ours once were
Instead of fixing a puzzle with missing pieces
Why don't we become art
And fill each other with beautiful parts?

All that you find broken about yourself
All that I find rotten within my hollow shell
Are colorful pieces to complete a work of art
If you take some of me and make it beautiful
Then perhaps one day I too could see the beauty I betray
I'll do the same for you as I collect these magnificent additions
To the masterpiece that I make of myself
One day we will become Mona Lisa and The Starry Night
Not only will we be the art we will become the artists
As grand as DaVinci, as unique as Van Gogh
We will fill this world with our broken art
And make others learn that there is beauty in every splintered part

There is a bus stop I stand by everyday
Around me is every person who has ever hurt me or let me down
They stand here with me day by day
When the bus comes I'm the last to get on every single time
I stand awkwardly as all of the seats fill
As usual there are no empty seats left for me
I must pick the lesser of my evil's and choose one each day
The heaviness of the fear and panic sink into my core
As I place myself beside one of them once more

Today however as I stood with the others as I stand everyday
I felt their hollow eyes burn into my back
As the bus arrived I saw it load with all these people that detest me
With all the memories that they carry
All the memories that weigh like dumbbells on my being
And for once I just stand there
I do not get on
And I watch as the bus full of all these things I hate
Drives away as another appears

It stops before me and the door opens as the driver beckons me to get in
It isn't my bus, but I still drag my feet forward
As if pulled by an invisible force like a magnet I can't pull myself away
When I enter I see other passengers
Not all of the seats are full, in fact many are empty
But it still feels full, yet not stuffy
I feel welcome as I stand in the aisle of the bus
I'm dragged down by a brown eyed beauty
And I feel like for once I've found my place
Within this bus filling with the things I love, with people I trust

My heart yearns for a thousand butterflies to be released from this cage that was meant for
A single demure bird

It's chained to the bottom of a twisted, lonely, teneberous abyss
As it is trapped inside
A single crooked verse

When it should be soaring high above singing songs of a thousand lovers love, instead here it sits
A single broken part

You can never look more beautiful
Than you do through a poet's eyes
Especially if that poet only looks for you

A poet's eyes see the truth
We see what the rest of the world ignores
Every seemingly insignificant detail we turn into a whole other world

A broken piano
A speck of dust

A missing sock
A single staple

A shrunken sweater
A fallen feather

The world is full of wonder
But none like they are
To a poet who takes in all that is offered

You will never see how beautiful you are through a poet's eyes
You will find it in their words as they try to describe
The indescribable perfection they see before them

A speck of gold hidden by coal
The kind of magic that tears your soul
Released from the fingertips of someone bold

He spoke to me of Heaven and Sin
But he knew I didn't believe in Heaven
So he left me with Sin and prayed for my soul to believe again
Instead I wallowed in those seven demons engraved within
Not Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, or Pride
My demons go by different names
Lonely, Anxiety, Fear, Judgment, Hate, You, and I
For within myself my own sins lie

I long to take his hands in mine
"You are more than enough."
I'd tell him everyday.

I wish to gaze into his eyes
"Your love puts all those songs to shame."
With that he'd understand just what I'd meant.

On my heart I'd tattoo his name
"You feel like home, you give me a place."
Regardless if he stays he has a space.

The things I'd say to him, if only he were mine.

I was doing above and beyond moving on
I wasn't sad when you were gone
I was doing fine pretending you were never mine
I wasn't scared to have you erased

When your eyes that I once described as a pulchritudinous blue
So deep and true they turned the sky green with envy
Stared at me across the room
How was I supposed to forget the lies they failed to hold?

I was happy till you came into my life
I wasn't perfect, but I didn't mind
I was a vibrant color in the spectrum of life
I wasn't meant to turn so dark as I was mixed with you

We all hide behind the glass cages of our mind
Through the transparent jail we keep the order

I long to shatter the glass with a perilous thought
Yet none so far have been quite strong enough

So I continue to hide deep inside
These parts of me where no one can find

I'm not so shy, you'd see
In the deepness of my mind

I'm not so great, so organized
My thoughts would show that I am disheveled, in utter disarray

There is chaos here within my brain
You'd never know as I conceal the calamity on the surface

All these things going on inside
I hide within a pre-payed smile

I see them, the others like me

I see their eyes in search of others searching
The lonely, the longing, the temptation
I see it all because when I look in the mirror
I see it in my reflected eyes as they stare back

I'm so lonely i'm invisible as the other eyes around glaze over me
I am pellucid to the open world around me, cloaked by fear
I long to reach out to those who also shy away from the crowd
Who have those eyes empty and heavy with the desperation

Yet I tremble as I take those steps towards them
I smile and ready my hands, but pull away before I reach them
Before I get the chance to tell them that I see them
Because this feeling inside tears my hands away from those I long to grasp

Why do we say "Penny for your thoughts"?
If thoughts were so cheap
I'd have bought them all by now

I hate fate
All it's secrets
All it's uncertainty

Ask for flowers
You get weeds

Ask for love
You get regret

Ask for strength
You get weaker

Ask for patience
You waste time

I hate fate
All it's tricks
All it's games

The anger
The saddness
The loneliness
The fear
The anxiety
The depression
The embarrassment
The regret
Its all temporary
But the story is permanent
Don't lose sight of who you are or who you want to be as you try to fight through these feelings

Although I can't change the words you said
I can change their position in my head

What once was
'Your sparkle becomes a shadow in her brilliant light'
Will become
'Her sparkle becomes a shadow in your brilliant light'

If soothing the pain of his dull blades takes believing in those lies that shift the truth
Then so be it

Its not the words we say,
Nor is it the words we write
That tear our heartstrings,
That make us ache

Its the order they appear,
The time it takes them to disappear
From our minds,
From our lives

'I will never love her the way I love you'
Contains the same words it takes to become
'I will never love you the way I love her'

The same words,
The same definitions
In different positions,
With different intentions

I often ask myself why I spend so much time learning another language
Why do I obsess and stress over something by my own will?
What do I have to gain, why do I want to teach and translate this foreign tongue?

Yet every night I force new words into my mind
And it makes me feel so calm and distracted
All my fears and concerns fade away as I take this information into my brain
I see nothing but beauty in every character I write so much so that I often write in the wrong alphabet
To me it's the most perfect and beautiful script
It's like riding a bike for the first time everytime I translate in my mind
The culture and language has found its way into my heart

I've fallen in love with the language like you do a person
Slowly, then all at once
Without understanding at first but slowly uncoiling the wonderful beauty before my eyes
I've found my passion and my saviour all at once
There is power in words which spawn from language
Every new term I learn makes me feel just that much stronger
Enough to feel invincible

The wheels collide with the jagged ground (As sometimes so do I)
Smoothly gliding across as if sailing through a calm ocean
The wind wrapping me in it's safe and calming embrace
Cleansing me of the worst parts of me
All the anger, anxiety, and sadness is left behind
As I roll over them on my magic board
In those moments I feel free, safe, and certain
I'm not confused or mistaken
I know for once what I'm feeling and what I'm doing
Although it may not be true
I feel as though this little wooden plank with wheels
Could take me anywhere
Across the sea or to another galaxy
For once I'm simply free

It didn't go as I'd expected it to, neither good or bad
I remember it very clearly
It was a day before the worst day of my life
The day before my sixteenth birthday
But that's another story

It was just the four of us that day
So many fond memories then
Like how we played our favorite songs as we judged and danced
From pop, rock, and rap, we didn't care

But as things came to an end the others left and it was only us
Upside down
That's what it was
No he didn't flip my world upside down
I was laying half off my bed playing my guitar, a song for him
He leaned forward, it was quick and sweet

From that kiss I felt nothing
I knew it was meant to be endearing
But from that kiss and all the others after
I felt nothing
And that's when I realised it's because that's exactly what we were

An empty kiss for a loveless couple full of nothing

I don't need a man who wants a princess
I don't need those expectations
I won't paint my nails or wear high heels

I want someone who will understand
That some days are just for sitting indoors
Playing video games and ordering takeout

Sometimes you just want to hang out
Watch a horror movie or write a poem
I want someone who can understand some days are slow

I also want them to know that some days are fast
Sometimes you just need the rush of riding a skateboard or throwing a frisbee
Sometimes you just need to feel the notes of a guitar till your hands are numb

I don't want someone who thinks I am only silent and reserved
Because I will crush you in your favorite games
I will tire you out with my favorite things

I don't want someone who thinks they are temporary
I will write about you and immortalize you through my art
Keep your expectations away and I'll surprise you every day

5 years is too long
It's a habit and I took too long to grab it
I let it slip through my fingers into the deepness of my sleep
The parasite ****** it dry and stole the sandman, father time
I can no longer tell reality from this sideways world in front of me

I could cure this horrid habit
Instead I stay silent and pretend I don't have it
I am weaker these days, far more than before
I used to be able to feel the freedom in the sun
Now I'm blinded by the light of a raging dawn

Hallucinations
Paranoia
When did this begin?

Dizziness
Nausea
When will this end?

I can't eat
I can't sleep
When will I say "I can" again?

Looking at the clock has become a challenge
Trying to catch it before another hour passes
12
1
2
3
4
5
Just how much longer can I survive
6
7
8
9
10
11
Right back to where I began and so it repeats
This cycle I'm stuck in like Groundhog Day I can't escape

Selfless people are always the ones who believe they are the most selfish
The selfish consume the selfless and take their place coveting their glory

I think I've finally realised why I don't feel right
I've spent so much time and energy worrying about everyone else
That I ignored the problems within myself

I have always had a solution for their troubles
But when it comes to what I need I never have an answer
I wish I could help myself like I help them

But my mind has become so paper thin
Rummaging around for a distraction again and again
I never have a moment to stop and save

myself from all these problems within
These days it seems the conflicts never end and never will
So long as I focus on them and forget

myself once again

She's shattered into a million fractal pieces
This woman made into a mosaic
This goddess, this queen
The one with the golden heart that turns others green

It breaks me too when I find
That I can't replace all the missing pieces
And put this ethereal beauty back together
Not back to the state she was before she was fractured

The sun, the moon
The stars, the sky
The dusk, the dawn

She is everything in life that is right
A beauty gift wrapped in insecutity
How many different ways can you tell her she's perfect,
Before she finally looks in the mirror and believes it?

She believes that life is only work, anger, and hatred
She believes a man can only lie, harm, and detonate
She doesn't see life for the spectrum it is
Full of a million gradients coveting all the glory

Some days she believes it
She tells herself and everyone around her
She is confident and beautiful, capable of love and happiness
Until the next day comes and once again she's in pieces

I'd like to see the day a smile is on her face
Not drawn or molded
Like magic it appears and never fades
The day the beautiful mosaic is once again

Complete

You've gotten worse, dear

I thought perhaps if I ignored you
If I denied you
Then you simply wouldn't be

Alas it's not so easy to tear you away, dear

I've stayed up till 5am only to wake again at 10am then repeat
This cycle has lasted all month
You used to torment me from 2 to 11am

I see business is tough these days, dear

For 5 years I've pushed you away
I have denied you
I have punished myself in doing so

I apologize so please forgive me, dear

I've been irritable
I've been slow and depressed
My thoughts and focus have dispersed

What are you doing to me, dear?

I liquidate my words with love
As I drink and dine with you
To poison you with my perfect drug
The only stable cure for a world of webs
While you may be caught in mine
I'm no spider but a simple butterfly
Meant to drink the nectar bleeding from your genuinity

In your arms I long to stay forever
Because when you take my hand in yours
I become someone better

In your mind I stay and linger
Because when I look at you
Your heart skips a little

Within this lifetime we become immortal
Because when we are together
Time is just four letters strung together

Why did it take us a year to fall apart?
Did we ever fall in love in the first place,
Or did we meet each other just to replace
A lonely void we dreamt to erase?

Had I known you were that sort,
I'd never have let you hold my hand.
I'd never have let you make me smile.
I'd have never allowed you into my heart, into my mind.

Had I known you'd laugh and lie
With the same lips that used to kiss mine,
I'd have never let you near
To all those things that I held dear.

It took looking at your pictures today
To remind me why I deteste your name
Taking them before I didn't know they'd linger with pain
Curse the digital world
Where I can't watch you turn to ash in a radiant flame

If I act as if the world is ending tomorrow it may as well end today
A stress filled day prepares me for a stress filled future
I will be my own undoing as I continue to pull my own strings
And cut the cords between working hard and working well
As they mold together and I no longer know the difference
I forget that tomorrow is not today as both become one and the same

You know that feeling when you look up at the sky
The clouds, The sun
The stars, The moon
And in that moment there is no breathing room
Everything just feels so bizmol

Looking at the vast and wonderful world
The people, The places
The flora, The fauna
I lose my senses and sink into a defenseless thought
Like hey, why the hell am I so small?

I could be a millionare
I could be a movie star, a singer
I could be on every bilboard
But I'm not
I could be a beggar
I could be starving, homeless
I could be drowning in poverty
But I'm not

Yet I always want more
Than what life seems to have in store for me
This life so plain and simple
I hate it but I can't escape it
I try to shake it but it's impossible to do
When it simply won't let go and let me face my doom

You know that feeling when you cry yourself to sleep at night
The thoughts, The torture
The past, The future
And in that moment there is no breathing room
Everything just feels so bizmol

Looking at the vast and wonderful world
The sins, The judgment
The cruel, The demented
I lose my senses and sink into a defenseless thought
Like hey, why the hell am I so small?

If all it took was a look from you to take my breath away
Then I fear what power your words could hold over me