I waste too much time
Thinking about you
Talking to you
Sleeping with you
I waste too much time
With you in my dreams
With you in my heart
Sharing a soul with you
They say time is wasted
When one isn't being productive
When there are things that need doing
So, I waste too much time
Sharing moments lost in love
Consumed with your essence
With what ifs and what could be
I linger in the most peaceful of places
Yes, I waste too much time
Being happy with you

There is wisdom in a life well rounded
Lived with both joy and pain
Depths of despair
Weightless heights of bliss
There is peace in a heart that loves
Vulnerability and trust
Truth in all things
Caring more for someone other than yourself
There is fulfillment in accepting your mistakes
And continuing on your path despite bad choices
Demons can only die when you forgive yourself

The air grows thick in this place
This cave of indecision
Of labored movement
Of emotionless mazes of living nightmares
Heavy with weight of thoughts
Heavier with each passing moment
Being buried under a car full of skeletons
Never letting bygones be gone
Hanging out the windows
Laughing as they crush
The very breath from your lungs
HHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA
With their pretty painted bones
Dressed up more for a party
Than their own funeral
How can they die while they **** you in slow motion
So they laugh as you suffocate
Unable to gasp for air that isn't tainted in their stench
Stagnant, putrid thoughts
Light the rotting carcass of hope aflame
Burning ash into your eyes
Blinding you against the glimpses of joy
That could possibly set you free

In the dark of night
When you're out of sight
But never out of mind
There is a silence
The kind of quiet that
Causes the fissures
In my mind
To swell and widen
Just enough for sanity
To disappear into the abyss
Into the labyrinth
Of a cracked and shattered psyche
In the silence of nothing
Where the world could have ended
As I lay here oblivious
To the truth, the reality
Of the outside world
This place, in the deepest recesses
Of my twisted mind
This is where the waiting
Breeds nightmares
Steeped in the real possibilities
That cause my heart to break
In real time
In the midst of unknowing
Somehow I know
I know something is amiss
The world, my world is off kilter
Just enough to barely notice
To wonder if it is my reality or my shadows
Traversing the cracks in my facade of sanity
Trying to find a way back to peace
Leaves me drained of the desire to breathe
As every breath breaks my ribs
The panting, painful, dry, and useless
As there is no living in this place
That ***** the life out of my eyes
And the stagnant air of what-if out of my lungs
Gasping in vain to **** it in
Because what-if is all there is
In the dark of night
When you're out of sight
But never out of mind

With utter apathy
Atrocities spewed forth
Cauterizing the heart closed

I read your words
They speak to me
Of course they are written
To my soul
My heart leaps
At the thought of you
Caring enough to make me real
I read your words
Of want and need
Of the existence and fear of love
Concrete, in black and white
It must be me who has moved you
Thoughts betraying logic
Though, I am the one
Tip toeing near and far
I am the one
Who knows I am being missed
For I am missing you
I read your words
And it just has to be me
They are mine
They live in me
They move me
I have claimed them for my own
As they must have been written
To me
For me
In desire and love for me
I breathe them in
My heart is alive
Yes, I have claimed them for my own

There was a time
I was his very breath
His rising sun and waxing moon
I am still his love

There was a time
I was his heaven on earth
His goddess, his flowing tide
I am still his love

There was a time
I never left his thoughts
I was his very smile
I am still his love

There was a time
I could be who I am
No pain in accidental words
I am still his love

There was a time
He accepted all my flaws
Danced and basked in them
I am still his love

There was a time
Distance wasn't pain
And my existence didn't break his heart
I am still his love

There was a time
My smile didn't cut
The truth of us was all he needed
I am still his love

There was time
I was naught but joy
Not steeped in impossibilities
I am still his love

There was a time
I warmed his heart with my own
Now a waning moon and ebbing tide
But I am still his love

This poem has been submitted for possible publication.  It will be reposted as soon as possible upon final determination.  Please feel free to peruse my poesy at your leisure.

Thank you so much,
PrttyBrd

It doesn't hurt because I love you
It hurts because I believed you

Rolling the dice time after time
Adding up points to bank a roll
Betting the odds in numbers and rhyme
Losing it all starts taking its toll

Betting the odds though it isn't a game
A thousand points at the roll of a die
Losing your heart in a useless hand
As you gamble your love upon a lie

This poem has been submitted for possible publication.  It will be reposted as soon as possible upon final determination.  Please feel free to peruse my poesy at your leisure.

Thank you so much,
PrttyBrd

Love transcends time and distance
Death cannot quell the loving heart
But each mile weighs a thousand pounds
And we are a thousand miles apart

Darlin' the universe has spoken
And rained down from the skies
Birthed reality in our souls
As it opened up our eyes

Life is bathed in hues of gold
The heart now beats in time
With souls who searched millenia
To be complete, sublime

But each mile weighs a thousand pounds
And we are a thousand miles apart
Love transcends time and distance
Even death can't quell a loving heart

Distance holds possibilities
As life plays
With dreams yet unseen

The voices
          In my head
                    Aren't always
                              The best company

In the dark of night I see her
In the shadows of night she lingers
Eyes piercing the smoke of yesterdays dreams
Stabbing the life out of my lungs
With the nightmare of truth
With the longing for honor
With the screaming memories
Not of what used to be
But of used-to-coulds
When she appears
All that is left is the grit at the bottom of the cup of life
The leftover flavor of dreams gone by
The reality that I am not what I could have been
That dreams torture reality with rainbows and lullabies
With pastel hues of perfection
In the dark of night I see her
In the shadows of night she lingers
The girl I almost was

you say it best

                   when you say



                                        nothing at all

There you are in a picture of joy
The smile in your eyes giving birth to my own
There you are in the hole in my heart
Filling the void and sealing the fissures
There you are in my archives of pain
Burning the pages of those useless emotions
There you are in the doubt in my mind
Pointing out all the reasons i can
There you are in my eyes in the mirror
Showing me there is beauty to be seen
There you are in the cracks in my soul
Giving me light to guide my path
And I open my eyes to see you are here
The reality of a dream I never dreamt
For I could not fathom the existence of an angel of my very own

The drummer of my heart
Pumps me into being
My very blood dances to the beat
The drummer of my heart
Turns the silence into music
As my essence glides across those sticks
The drummer of my heart
Keeps time with my joy
Happily beating fear into submission
The drummer of my heart
Makes me race in excitement
Accelerating and elevating my love
The drummer of my heart
Plays the stars as his drum set
And is the very rhythm of my soul

You're all i want,
and i want all of you

juxtaposed in dreams alone
untouched by wanton ways
stirring in my thoughts
torridly awaiting your commands
intimate conversations
never disappoint an eager heart

There are barely memories left untainted
A childhood cut short
A trusting soul shredded with each stolen touch
Still now, after a lifetime of living,
Of forcibly refusing to be nothing,
Of overcoming everything
Remnants seep through the skin
From the depths of demon's lair
Distant cackles mock the resurgence of nightmares
Scouring pad scrubbies only removed skin
The stink of it remains
Filling every pore
Escaping in a sigh, infectious by design
Time heals nothing
It protects the broken pieces
Masking them behind affection & other surface emotions
The jagged edges of the memory of pain
Still violate innocence
Still ruin a smile before it is born
Used as brutal warnings,
They are jabbed straight through a heart trying desperately to heal
At the first sign of affection, the pain awakens
At the first sign of attachment, it skins the heart alive
Angered at defiance, it burns like molten metal
Scraping at the hardened crevasses of the mind
Searing pain in hidden dreams
Cauterizing the memories open
Reliving the blade time has dulled
Never allowed to love
Even if it's make-believe
Twisted sounds of tinkling music boxes
And the distant laughter of demons
CACKLE AND HISS
Cackle And Hiss
cackle and hiss
Muted into a familiar rhythm
Underlying the complacency of life
Only to scorch a soul into nightmares
When the heart dares to feel

She sleeps as I watch her breathe
Looking so small in her railed bed
I think of smiles and laughs and lessons
Dreams wrapped up in things she said

So, I pray and wish for many more
As we so selfishly often do
And give my blessing to send her home
The strongest woman I ever knew

Gilded cage so small and tiny
Even singing comes out whiny
Stinking of fake fresh and piney
Tis the season
Leaking water warm and briny
With good reason

Christmas cheer and glasses toast
Loved ones smile and laugh and boast
I sit perched upon my post
A tinsled column
Invisible reluctant host
A heart that's solemn

A longing for a love so distant
The melancholy is persistent
A smile could erase it in an instant
On a face cherubic
For my heart is not resistent
It's theraputic

So that smile that is perfection
Is mirrored in my own reflection
Without a thought about rejection
Hallucinations
About the subtlest inflection
In Salutations

Surrounded by the merrily intense
With drunkard tendencies immense
A bar with all accoutrements
They pound tequila
Drinking away the sacraments
Oh yes, I feel ya

Merry time with old Kris Kringle
Guests all lubed enough to mingle
Mistletoe hangs and sleigh bells jingle
Gifts homemade
Tables adourned and glasses tingle
Gold brocade

Still I sit all caged and flightless
Blind to joy all sad and sightless
Drink could make it hurt a mite less
I'm going backward
Laying here all limp and lifeless
Broke and fractured

Surrounded by the fake and vexing
Artificial and quite perplexing
Reality they are rejecting
The devil may care
Bellies bare and muscles flexing
Lost underwear

So ******* dancing to the jukebox
Lost alone here in the boondocks
There is no snow upon the rooftops
Ahead they forge
Find a room before that thing pops
It's so engorged

Neighbor ***** all dressed in orange
Wearing gold to make the poor cringe
Stripping time to fill her syringe
I'll be her hinderance
Still too drunk from her last binge
Faulty remembrance

Ridding riff raff from the party
People still drunk on Bacardi
Noxious gasses burp and farty
With toilets makeshift
Worn out makeup on the smarty
She needs a facelift

Time to let the people go
Too tired to keep watching the show
Drinking hard and walking slow
Verbose yet listless
Honey I don't want to know
It's not my business

i remember that day in the afternoon sun
the garter snake passed lazily through the tall yellow-headed sourgrass
or maybe time was edging toward stillness
as it so often does in mental replays

there was cold, clear water in a tall, clean glass
that sat still at the end of your fingers
the sunlight hit the sides and it came through the water tilted
at the same angle as your head as you smiled
i saw the condensation on your hand
and wondered if it would feel cool against my skin
or if all I'd feel was the warmth of you
i could feel the glaciers melting
drop by drop by drop

and a warm, soft wind
covered up everything
on the day your love came screaming through me

you had oranges and lemons in a canvas bag beside you
different hues of summer in that pouch you brought along
there were seven different kinds of light welling up inside of you
you smeared citrus pulp all over me, in laughter like song
gone too quickly to tell you I longed for you to stay
gone to good old east rutherford three thousand miles away

i felt the warm surge blast my mind
coming in from behind
on the day your love came screaming through me

in the fresh light of day
i felt something falling away
on the day your love came screaming through me

                                                 *i remember that day
                                                  time was edging toward stillness
                                                  as it so often does in replays

This poem has been submitted for possible publication.  It will be reposted as soon as possible upon final determination.  Please feel free to peruse my poesy at your leisure.

Thank you so much,
PrttyBrd

The shades are drawn in endless daylight, begging the night to fall yet loathing the months of night that will too soon follow these endless months of days.  Sleep does not come swiftly as feet twitch restlessly under cool sheets. The mind relives peaceful mornings by the creek with fishing rods in hand ******* on lollipops and skipping stones. Stones that for others seem to float on the surface, yet, thrown by my young hand sank like the rocks that they were. click, click, click, the beads of the abacus counting time in my dreamlike wannabe state. The beep of the microwave oven jars the mind and the scent of coffee wakes the brain, only to realize it was the sound of the alarm clock and the cupboard does not hold the coffee so loved in dreams yet detested in reality. The solitude of morning, which looks like evening, which looks like night tastes like rotten onions in the mouth you struggle eat with. Remnants of equestrian dreams linger in a hazy head pounding like a basketball across the the court. The lampshade is covered in a purple scarf, giving off just enough light to not have to open the shades.  

Day begins with a gargle of mouthwash that tastes like Campho Phenique

hoping to get rid of the residue of rotten onion dreams that remind you of a life you never thought you'd live.

The old and feeble worship and rave
Trying to find more souls to save
For if they can save one from the pyre
They'll surely subvert their own hell's fire

Dismissing a past strewn with humanity and sin
All the lies forgotten, so empty within
Judging all others, since they found their path
Do they have enough stones, they're doing the math

For they will not leave a sinner unbruised
Bashing their lives, verbally abused
Telling them all they're feeling is wrong
Dressing it pretty in verses and song

Hypocrites profound, come one and come all
The louder they boast the harder they fall
Pride in beliefs is still a cardinal sin
When I get to Hell, I'll welcome you in

Seeing happy holiday faces
Sappy sentiment and saccharine smiles
** ** **, and jolly jelly laughs
Pondering the likelihood
That their smiles are as porcelain as my own
Painted lips in Victorian red
Eyes done up in glitter and paint
Hoping that happy leaches into grown ups
From the wonder and joy that is the truth of babes

A Styrofoam box to hold my pain
To keep it safe above the water
To hold all the roles I've ever lived
Be it wife or be it daughter

Floating safe upon the surface
Mirror smooth or rapids white
It carries all the hurt and struggle
It hides my truth and holds on tight

The world can see the love and laughter
The spackled mask that faces all
The one with saccharine filled open fissures
Hiding a broken little girl

For in this body of a woman
Every gentleman's sinful lust
Is a fragile shell of being
A soul, if touched, would turn to dust

Drowning in a world of wonder
Losing sight of who I am
Safe from harm or dissolution
Floats the proof that I'm a sham