A Fix
Burn
Comforting
Fluttering
Itching
Need
Pain
Piercing
Pressur­e
Stabbing
Tingling

-still-

It's either euphoric or revolting,
what some would call love.

From the moment of conception i kept you safe inside me for nine months. After your birth you slept on my chest so you were near my heart. The bond between a mother and her son is made of steel for never to be broken. All through your childhood I've picked you up and wiped you off over and over again. You've made your mistakes as we all have. Yours ended in tragedy and you lost your best friend, now you are in that cement cage all by yourself , my fears are unfolding , I got your call today, you were stabbed eight times it was six against one , now my body so numb yet hurts to move , my worry increased as if there was room for that . You say your ok but son I'm not . I can't get to you to protect you and it's killing me slow, God please place a hedge around my baby boy keep the evil away from him bring him safely back home .

They said when I go to college
My bubble will burst

At first, I didn't believe them
The parties and the alcohol were always out of site
The gangs and drugs too far for me to smell

Then one day it burst
I didn't feel it, like I thought
I thought, it would feel like cannonballing into a freezing pool
On the first day of summer

It was silent
Still
Like the moment after an inhale
Or a scream

After a student cries out
There's an active shooter
I didn't feel him knocking on my door to let him in
Instead, he crept around, found the hole in the fence

In that instant, my fragile walls
After years of carefully building
Crumble

The stranger sitting next to me
Now my brother, sister, in my home
Their faces of shock forever etched in my brain

The school is in lockdown
The blue bubbles of worries sent into space
Hoping something other than bad news will return
I could hear all the prayers being sent to heaven

I was sitting in the back row
Of the largest lecture hall on campus
I do not know if this killer wants to go out with a bang
If he did, this would be his target

Filled with eager, or bored, biology students
I never got this manuel
I do not know how to protect myself from a  machine gun

The mass of officials reporting words that used to feel foreign
They would never enter my world
But here they are, next to my forgotten socks
And broken promises
Shooter. Gun. Death. Blood. Knives.
Unsafe.
Unsafe.
Unsafe.

My brother is still asleep
Across the country
Full of turkey and thanks
Never of shock or horror

Once the news comes out, that it was
Just a car hitting people
Just a knife stabbing
Just injuries
Just hospital visits
Just one death
Just the culprit

Why do I feel relief
When my classmates were hurt
Yet I am releasing my breath
Somehow a car running over students
A knife stabbing friends
Was a relief to me
Because these deeds done by a monster
Are less than a gunnman
Why

If he had waited
Got stuck in a traffic light
Two minutes more
It would have been me

Every day I count my blessings
My bubble is still healing
It will reopen again soon
The memories will always be fresh

It is days like these that I am reminded of why
On that day back then
I was so scared to be in one of my favorite places
A school should never be a memorial

I wish I could reach through my LED screen
Tell the victims
I know
I know
I feel your feelings
I recognize those silent prayers
I too, have sent them myself
I too, will never forget the fear

I know this day will forever haunt you
It's pain will never cease
I hope I can help you rebuild your bubble
To make you a little more full

My thoughts are scattered in a million places. I feel my chest constrict with every single breath that I take. The constant stabbing in my heart coincides with every beat that it takes. The stabbing is consistently getting stronger and stronger as time goes on and becomes so overwhelming I feel as if i should cry out in pain.

I feel the ever present black cloud hovering over me at all hours of the day. It ***** the energy out of me. I can’t seem to tell if that black cloud is just my past, or if it is you.

When you left me standing in my drive way that cold rainy evening in April could have collapsed from the feeling in my chest and the pit in my stomach. As you drove away it was as if I was unraveling. The memories started pouring through my mind like a bright light. Flashing before my eyes like segments and scenes of a movie. The smiles danced past my eyes, and your smile seemed to be seared in my memory. Thinking of all of the time and secretes we shared. I had let you in and knew I handed you a knife, that you now lodged in my heart, and now it is threatening to rip me apart.

The only time I get relief from this is in those moments I open my eyes in the morning. For those few brief seconds I am light hearted…. for those few brief seconds I am actually okay…. but you ruined that for me because mere seconds later I feel everything crash down on me and start to crush me. The pressure is so painful that I shed silent tears and come to terms with the fact I can’t do it. My heart is more than aching and I feel my insides begin to press against my bones as they start to swell in panic. As I stare at the blankness of the ceiling I think of the vastness of the world, and the emptiness I feel in myself. I tell myself I can’t face the world… then a miracle occurs and I find something to whisper hope in my ear that I need to leave my bed and face the world.

After fighting with myself to stand and go outside. I move. I put on my mask to endure the world, and take what it throws in my face. I pretend it rolls right off of me as it leaves large ugly bruising diffusely spread across my body.