I'm out of words to say
other than
I'm sorry

"The sun loved the moon so much that he died every night to let her breathe"
-Spirit Science

I can't breathe
I can't talk
I can barely ask someone anything

...Just lost in thought...

Trying to say one word
All they hear is me choking
Holding back one word
Why am I doing this to myself?

They look confused now
And crowd me to ask what's wrong
...I choke on one word
I can't say anything
No matter how hard I try...

"This is not a way to live, this is a way to die"

And how would I die?...
All the words *unspoken
Words I don't know how to say
Words I'm afraid of and long to say
...all at the same time
It makes me go mad
I don't think I'll ever be sane

...How does one do this to their self?
But all I know, is that you can't choose
You don't do this to yourself
Not on purpose anyways...

It happens on it's own...

Where you choke on one word
Your heart beats so fast it hurts
It feels like you'd explode
Salt water leaking from your eyes
Your brain just overflows.....
Gasping for air
As you shake uncontrollably...
And lie there and *wait


.....It's so hard to say one word
All you hear is a squeak
Me choking on one word
Like strangling myself till I  have no more...


I am at war with myself

And both sides are losing...

I can't do my homework
I'm staring at a blank screen

My throat is closing
My body is shaking
What if I fail?
What if I get judged for this?
I'm going to fail this
That's when I fail at life

Oh.
My.
God.
I'm going to fail
Maybe I should do my homework
NO

(2 hours later)

Oh.
My.
God.
I'm never going to finish this
I might as well give up

(1 hour later)

Maybe I should clean my room
I have too many things
Why do I have so many things?
There's no point

I'm so ashamed
Why can't I do anything?
What if this is for me?
What if I go crazy?
Am I crazy?

Everyone must think I'm crazy
I should just be alone
I'm so scared to be alone
But I'm probably annoying
What if I can't please everyone?
I'm such a burden

(another hour later)

I seriously can't breathe
Why am I crying?
I'm too sensitive
People can't know about this
I should just do my homework
What if I fail?
Everyone must hate me

My throat is closing
And it's all my fault

It's so quiet
Yet crowded in my head
Why was I so stupid?
You were right there
In front of me
I could have done something..
But I didn't
Oh...
Why didn't I?
I could punch out all the walls
And scream your name
Through the windows
But..
That won't change anything
Because now I'm alone...

I'm sorry I have to do this
But I'm going to have to rip this off
It'll be fast
I promise
You'll only feel a sting
But me
I've gone through this type of thing
When it's gone
You won't see it anymore
And I hope it won't burn
But what this does to me
Is none of your concern
When this is over
I hope it feels like
*Ripping off a band aid

All I know is
I broke my rules for you
I hope you realize that too
My heart is stuck between
Dying
And
Healing

Shadows tell a million stories

Taunting and chasing underneath the sunlight
Imagine from all the glory

The right
The wrong
The thoughts so strong

There's a wall placed in the middle of all

City streets
City lights

But then it's the empty wall

That captivates us

Confusion
Delusion
A sense of non-amusement

On and on
Misguided and lost
The tears of us all

The young
The old

Here in the heart
There's hope that I feel
A memory so close

So close

To seem new
There's only a few
I don't want to lose

Love is fire
You are fire
Can't you see it in these mud-brown eyes?

My hair is
My heart is
My mind is
My body is
My hands
My feet
Arms
Legs
Knees
Fingers
Every vein in me
Even the blood that runs through them
Every pulsating second
Even my nose
Toes
And my cheeks
My eyes
The noise that comes from my mouth

all of that is fire

I am *alive

I hold this jar of fireflies
Under the moon
Stars
And wind
They float inside and wait
Sweeping across dewey grass
I count them
One by one
On and off they flicker, see?
Twilight I set them free
Don't they look so lovely?

She's caught inbetween
Heaven and hell
Born between worlds
All in a shell
But it's all just the same
There's fire
In her wings
That act as her heart
Burning out
Burning in
When did this war
Begin

She fights herself
No one can stop her

Feeling numb at the
Hands of blue fire
Watching coals of
Red and orange fire
Light up the sky
And under the crescent moon
She looks over a cliff
Right over the ocean
"Such a mess", she thinks,
"Just one more step"
Is her mindset
She takes the step

Right over the ledge
And at the last moment
Is caught by her breath

She's a fire-winged angel
Drowning in stars

Creativity
Is a mindset
Create
Create
Create
It's not a sin
Expression
Not a sin
Keep going
Keep
The creativity
flowing
Keep
Your mind
going
Because
When you
stop
It stops
Create
Create
**Create

I hate you
but i can’t say that
because I hate the word hate
It sounds destructive
in its own way
And that’s why i can’t say
that
It’s too mean
Too loud
Screaming so many sounds
and for a girl that doesn’t want to be seen
it’s cataclysmic and obscene
I find it more creative
to think of other things to speak
For I am so meek
but when it comes it you
Maybe that’s where that word
should be
even when
*it goes against all I’ve ever believed

Every word I speak hurts
And when thought comes to mind
Believe me, it's a train wreck

All it takes is a second
Because when you're all alone
In an empty room
with no one to speak to
and no one to hold
The silence just kills you
Like your soul waiting to be sold

Voices astray
Speak what the mind has to say
So what may lay here now

Is nothing

Because trying to speak
holds the same meaning
as falling asleep

*in silence

When houses are asleep
That's when I'll come seek
under the moon and stars to find you
We'll sneak away for keeps
'Cause I'm a ghost at most
In your arms under the tree
Secluded from the world
Kissing your lips I'm finally me
Like the time we were
plastered under the train tracks
The first time I saw
What you really meant to me
Like the time I cried on your shoulder
in the private room that holds our memories
But now that you're gone..
In this moment
I'll listen to the crickets
And chimes break through the wind
outside
And imagine holding you close to me
under the tree
and cry
and hope to hear the rumbles
like the very first time
Because this night was probably the last
And I wish I could relive it all..

The last time I cried on your shoulder
was when I knew I loved you
But tonight there's no shoulder to cry on
when I think of all we've been through

I'm scared I'll be so happy
That I'll forget about you over time

But then I think

And then I remember

That you're already gone

Sometimes
I want drugs
But I like you better sober

There are too many words
But I can't stop writing
I  can only write poems
Just like these

Nothing else

I like it when you hold me tight
Just because you want to
And tell me that everything is alright

Because on this starry night
With music blaring in the distance
Being encased in your arms
In that backseat of the car
I can finally look at you

I'll tell you I love you
And you will tell me too

Everything is alright
Just on this night
On this lovely starry night

It's crazy just laying here under the moon and stars. I wonder which ones are still alive or if they're even a star. I wonder which ones are dead and long gone. I find it crazy that you can still see it's light even if it is non-existent. Like it's still there. If you stare at a star for long enough you start to see colors maybe 1 or 2. Some have red tints to them. Some have orange. And some are brilliant. I don't know how to describe it. I wonder if another universe has life. I wonder if a person or something like me is staring up at the sky at the same time thinking the same thing I'm thinking. Time must be different up there so how could I even say "at the same time". It must be different.
When you look up at the sky, in the middle of no where. No city. No lights. Not even a fire. There are so many stars. It's unbelievable if you've grown up in the city and have never set foot out of it. I wonder if they're even stars. If what I'm looking at is a star or another world, another place. I wonder if they represent the people we've lost. The reason why there are so many. The reason why, on a cold and silent winter night, you can only think of them. How they used to smile and laugh and how you won't get to see it again. Except in pictures and videos you've kept. Sometimes if you really know the person you can look at them in a photograph and see their smile but pain in their eyes. Just like how you start to see colors in the stars in the sky. But there's a moment, despite all the pain, where there's brilliance. And that's when you realize that you've been staring at the moon this whole time.

I can't be brave
I'm not that smart
My thoughts are zombies
And I'm never good enough
I've lost enough
I won't lose you
So I will keep working
I will keep living
Just to keep you safe and loved

My final wall was built
And now I'm shut off
And I never want to know how to turn myself back on again
So I'll sit here and go crazy
I'll cry till all the water is gone
I'll scream my static screams
And punch my walls I don't want to tear down
Because as a shut-in
that's the best time I could ever have
My final wall was built
And now I'm shut off

Stars are old light
But they still go on
Like the sun and moon
Just like how every night
The sun dies for the moon
To let her live
It happens everyday
Every night
I'm drowning in my own galaxy
At my own hands of destruction
In my own wings made of fire
While my own heart eats me alive
While my mind splits me in half
And make my eyes watch it all
In a mirror at the bottom of the ocean
While the moonlight trickles down to me
And tells me it's okay
Because the sun will come again
The sun needs the moon again
It can't be right without her
Because every eclipse relies on her
Relies on him
It can't be right without her
And every darker night without the moon
Is a day where the skies are the darkest greys
And where silent drops of rain are the loudest tears to cry
Back into the ocean to create a flood
An arch for the piano to play
Every wave
Every raindrop
Every tear
Colliding in collisions of notes and sounds and rythms
I'm drowning in my own galaxy
An ocean filled with static white noise
Where the sun asks for the moon every eclipse and day and night
Waiting for the moon to spark the stars
And bring daylight on the darkest days
Because stars are old light
The sun reminds the mirror at the bottom of the ocean to tell me
Wrapped in my own fire wings
That they are still going on
Upon galaxies
And that I should too
But there's always that fear....

What I want
Is for you to smile
What I want
Is to stay a while
What I want
Is to hold me close
What I want
Is you the most