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Jul 2019 · 177
Yin and Yang
Nicole Ashley Jul 2019
Your smile kills me

In good ways and bad

Now that you're free

It makes me happy and sad
It's been a long while since I've written anything. I've been in a funk and a lot of things have happened. Not sure I'm completely back, but I guess this is a start.
Mar 2019 · 183
Want
Nicole Ashley Mar 2019
What I want
Is for you to smile
What I want
Is to stay a while
What I want
Is to hold me close
What I want
Is you the most
May 2018 · 250
Scared
Nicole Ashley May 2018
I'm scared I'll be so happy
That I'll forget about you over time

But then I think

And then I remember

That you're already gone
Nov 2017 · 299
Stars
Nicole Ashley Nov 2017
It's crazy just laying here under the moon and stars. I wonder which ones are still alive or if they're even a star. I wonder which ones are dead and long gone. I find it crazy that you can still see it's light even if it is non-existent. Like it's still there. If you stare at a star for long enough you start to see colors maybe 1 or 2. Some have red tints to them. Some have orange. And some are brilliant. I don't know how to describe it. I wonder if another universe has life. I wonder if a person or something like me is staring up at the sky at the same time thinking the same thing I'm thinking. Time must be different up there so how could I even say "at the same time". It must be different.
When you look up at the sky, in the middle of no where. No city. No lights. Not even a fire. There are so many stars. It's unbelievable if you've grown up in the city and have never set foot out of it. I wonder if they're even stars. If what I'm looking at is a star or another world, another place. I wonder if they represent the people we've lost. The reason why there are so many. The reason why, on a cold and silent winter night, you can only think of them. How they used to smile and laugh and how you won't get to see it again. Except in pictures and videos you've kept. Sometimes if you really know the person you can look at them in a photograph and see their smile but pain in their eyes. Just like how you start to see colors in the stars in the sky. But there's a moment, despite all the pain, where there's brilliance. And that's when you realize that you've been staring at the moon this whole time.
Mar 2016 · 1.4k
Cotton Candy
Nicole Ashley Mar 2016
In psychology class the other day my professor said something that hit me. "When you think while your depressed, nothing clicks or makes sense. Your mind just feels like a cloud of cotton candy. The only thing that made sense to me at the time of my depression was Winnie the Pooh books." And this was the best explanation I could have ever heard.
Nov 2015 · 776
Subconscious
Nicole Ashley Nov 2015
I wish I could blatantly hear my subconscious speaking
I wonder if it's weeping
Does it yell at me to listen?
Or does it fight itself, uncertain?
Nov 2015 · 422
Thinking
Nicole Ashley Nov 2015
Burning lungs won't fix whats broken
and neither will the numbing of drugs
Neither will an amount of time
It's all up to you
What you want to do
Jul 2015 · 891
I hate the word "Hate"
Nicole Ashley Jul 2015
I hate you
but i can’t say that
because I hate the word hate
It sounds destructive
in its own way
And that’s why i can’t say
that
It’s too mean
Too loud
Screaming so many sounds
and for a girl that doesn’t want to be seen
it’s cataclysmic and obscene
I find it more creative
to think of other things to speak
For I am so meek
but when it comes it you
Maybe that’s where that word
should be
even when
*it goes against all I’ve ever believed
There are multiple people I could tell this too and no one would care
Jul 2015 · 874
It's like this
Nicole Ashley Jul 2015
Every word I speak hurts
And when thought comes to mind
Believe me, it's a train wreck

All it takes is a second
Because when you're all alone
In an empty room
with no one to speak to
and no one to hold
The silence just kills you
Like your soul waiting to be sold

Voices astray
Speak what the mind has to say
So what may lay here now

Is nothing

Because trying to speak
holds the same meaning
as falling asleep

*in silence
Jul 2015 · 395
Last Night..
Nicole Ashley Jul 2015
When houses are asleep
That's when I'll come seek
under the moon and stars to find you
We'll sneak away for keeps
'Cause I'm a ghost at most
In your arms under the tree
Secluded from the world
Kissing your lips I'm finally me
Like the time we were
plastered under the train tracks
The first time I saw
What you really meant to me
Like the time I cried on your shoulder
in the private room that holds our memories
But now that you're gone..
In this moment
I'll listen to the crickets
And chimes break through the wind
outside
And imagine holding you close to me
under the tree
and cry
and hope to hear the rumbles
like the very first time
Because this night was probably the last
And I wish I could relive it all..
"I know you're gone now, but I'll still wait for you" -PVRIS
Jul 2015 · 805
The Final Wall
Nicole Ashley Jul 2015
My final wall was built
And now I'm shut off
And I never want to know how to turn myself back on again
So I'll sit here and go crazy
I'll cry till all the water is gone
I'll scream my static screams
And punch my walls I don't want to tear down
Because as a shut-in
that's the best time I could ever have
My final wall was built
And now I'm shut off
I don't even know anymore...
Jul 2015 · 757
Last Time
Nicole Ashley Jul 2015
The last time I cried on your shoulder
was when I knew I loved you
But tonight there's no shoulder to cry on
when I think of all we've been through
Jul 2015 · 432
Band Aid
Nicole Ashley Jul 2015
I'm sorry I have to do this
But I'm going to have to rip this off
It'll be fast
I promise
You'll only feel a sting
But me
I've gone through this type of thing
When it's gone
You won't see it anymore
And I hope it won't burn
But what this does to me
Is none of your concern
When this is over
I hope it feels like
*Ripping off a band aid
I really hope he doesn't hate me after this..
Jul 2015 · 654
10 Words
Jun 2015 · 1.8k
The Afterlife
Nicole Ashley Jun 2015
There are trillions of stars
Whose lights still shine
Way after it's death
The light travels on forever
But what happens when it doesn't?
What happens if stars and light are a figment of our imagination?
What if we only see the light of many stars before
Because of the lives we've known
Of those who come and go?
Preexisting in the complex mind of our own beings
Subconsciously knowing
We're bound to be part of the sky
Would that be the afterlife of Heaven and the Great Unknown?
Jun 2015 · 296
When I write..
Nicole Ashley Jun 2015
I am scared
Scared that my words
Might fall off the page
Or
That I'll say too many words
And they'll just..
Roll away from me
But then again

I could never speak

So I wouldn't know..
I either say too much
Or nothing at all
Jun 2015 · 285
Back to Isolation
Nicole Ashley Jun 2015
It's so quiet
Yet crowded in my head
Why was I so stupid?
You were right there
In front of me
I could have done something..
But I didn't
Oh...
Why didn't I?
I could punch out all the walls
And scream your name
Through the windows
But..
That won't change anything
Because now I'm alone...
I just wish I did something to make you change your mind...I've been thrown into something I don't want to do..But I guess it's too late to turn back time..
Jun 2015 · 345
Time is an Essence
Nicole Ashley Jun 2015
I sit in this half darkened room listening to the clocks tick and tock. Where would I like to be? Away from here, honestly. Time is but an essence and I'm sorry. It probably felt like this room. Where your darkest thoughts crept silently in the shadows and all you could hear was that clock that ticked words of remark, down to the color of your skin. The words that weren't even mine but they still shut you in. And they shut me out at the worst time of all. But time is an essence, master of all. If never fails to watch me fall. We watch the clock from opposite sides of the door and listen to the quiet that we've both succumbed to. A door I wish I could easily step through. But I'll lay here in wait and sleep now and then, till it decides to open again. Until then, I'll listen and talk to the ghost of the girl who lit the world on fire and wishes she was anywhere but here.
I literally listened to a clock while writing this.
Jun 2015 · 2.3k
Anchor's Away
Nicole Ashley Jun 2015
We had a giant ship where we'd go for short boat rides. We'd throw out the anchor that kept time in the middle of the ocean and see the moon up ahead. Sometimes we made love and other times we enjoyed each other's company. And sometimes both. There was laughing and crying because knowing the ride was short, it made it all the more worth it. I always had to leave, I was always the first one and it crushed me. I didn't know what it did to you though. And now you were the first to leave this time. I know what it feels like. I wish I could stray away on that boat and float through the entire ocean just to find you because I hope you come back. I want to throw away the anchor to get rid of time. I want to know what it's like to fly because there's a hole in this boat that's slowly sinking and I don't know how to swim. The crack in the boat so far is only a crack. Where you could only hear a slow drip and sometimes it flows faster than others. That's when I get scared but I only have to breathe. You said you'd come back so I'm going to find tape or maybe some putty to fix the cracks. I'll clumsily fix the boat and throw the anchor away. An infinate amount of ocean surrounds me but there's only one anchor. I'll leave it right where we were so you know where to find me. But if I'm not back by the time you find it again, wait for me there so you can see me with wings.
I don't normally write in this form but I thought I'd try something different.
May 2015 · 338
Starry Night
Nicole Ashley May 2015
I like it when you hold me tight
Just because you want to
And tell me that everything is alright

Because on this starry night
With music blaring in the distance
Being encased in your arms
In that backseat of the car
I can finally look at you

I'll tell you I love you
And you will tell me too

Everything is alright
Just on this night
On this lovely starry night
I just wish we didn't have to worry about time. This could just last forever and I'd be okay.
May 2015 · 7.8k
Eyes
Nicole Ashley May 2015
Love is fire
You are fire
Can't you see it in these mud-brown eyes?
May 2015 · 471
Anxiety Pt.2
Nicole Ashley May 2015
I can't do my homework
I'm staring at a blank screen

My throat is closing
My body is shaking
What if I fail?
What if I get judged for this?
I'm going to fail this
That's when I fail at life

Oh.
My.
God.
I'm going to fail
Maybe I should do my homework
NO

(2 hours later)

Oh.
My.
God.
I'm never going to finish this
I might as well give up

(1 hour later)

Maybe I should clean my room
I have too many things
Why do I have so many things?
There's no point

I'm so ashamed
Why can't I do anything?
What if this is for me?
What if I go crazy?
Am I crazy?

Everyone must think I'm crazy
I should just be alone
I'm so scared to be alone
But I'm probably annoying
What if I can't please everyone?
I'm such a burden

(another hour later)

I seriously can't breathe
Why am I crying?
I'm too sensitive
People can't know about this
I should just do my homework
What if I fail?
Everyone must hate me

My throat is closing
And it's all my fault
May 2015 · 640
Spasm
Nicole Ashley May 2015
There are too many words
But I can't stop writing
I  can only write poems
Just like these

Nothing else
Apr 2015 · 1.2k
Upon Galaxies
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
Stars are old light
But they still go on
Like the sun and moon
Just like how every night
The sun dies for the moon
To let her live
It happens everyday
Every night
I'm drowning in my own galaxy
At my own hands of destruction
In my own wings made of fire
While my own heart eats me alive
While my mind splits me in half
And make my eyes watch it all
In a mirror at the bottom of the ocean
While the moonlight trickles down to me
And tells me it's okay
Because the sun will come again
The sun needs the moon again
It can't be right without her
Because every eclipse relies on her
Relies on him
It can't be right without her
And every darker night without the moon
Is a day where the skies are the darkest greys
And where silent drops of rain are the loudest tears to cry
Back into the ocean to create a flood
An arch for the piano to play
Every wave
Every raindrop
Every tear
Colliding in collisions of notes and sounds and rythms
I'm drowning in my own galaxy
An ocean filled with static white noise
Where the sun asks for the moon every eclipse and day and night
Waiting for the moon to spark the stars
And bring daylight on the darkest days
Because stars are old light
The sun reminds the mirror at the bottom of the ocean to tell me
Wrapped in my own fire wings
That they are still going on
Upon galaxies
And that I should too
But there's always that fear....
And all I could hear
Was the frost wind from another dimension..
Apr 2015 · 16.3k
Mirror Mirror
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
After I cry, I'll stare at myself in the mirror. That way my mind can tell me that when the red leaves my eyes,  it'll be the same thing as healing.
Apr 2015 · 520
Suicide Mind
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
I feel like one day I'll finish all my work
I'll make amends and fix my life
And on that day I'll say goodbye
I don't deserve it
I never could
I hurt too many people and feel guilty everyday
I walk these same halls and wake up the same way
I don't deserve it
I don't deserve life
I don't deserve it
I'm living wrong
And one day I'll fix it
But on that day I'll say goodbye
I don't deserve this
**Nothing at all
Apr 2015 · 8.0k
White Noise
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
I'm in a vulnerable state of mind
Static screams in heavy machinery
A screen of the world in a room of thousands of sounds and lights
It's black and white
It's silent and noisy
It's dark and light
I'm in a vulnerable state of mind
But all of it is white noise
Apr 2015 · 932
A Performers Motivation
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
At least for people like me
Need to make the blind hear emotion
And make the deaf see emotion
For the mute to make noise
A smile through tears
Hits home for thousands of years
I don't think I could ever stop performing in my life. It's my heaven and hell.
Apr 2015 · 3.3k
Lonely
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
"When I can't sleep at night
I stare at the empty side of my bed,
and wonder about the things
I would tell you
if you were laying right
Next to me"
          -Unknown
Apr 2015 · 987
Fire-Winged Angel
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
She's caught inbetween
Heaven and hell
Born between worlds
All in a shell
But it's all just the same
There's fire
In her wings
That act as her heart
Burning out
Burning in
When did this war
Begin

She fights herself
No one can stop her

Feeling numb at the
Hands of blue fire
Watching coals of
Red and orange fire
Light up the sky
And under the crescent moon
She looks over a cliff
Right over the ocean
"Such a mess", she thinks,
"Just one more step"
Is her mindset
She takes the step

Right over the ledge
And at the last moment
Is caught by her breath

She's a fire-winged angel
Drowning in stars
Apr 2015 · 375
Halt
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
Creativity
Is a mindset
Create
Create
Create
It's not a sin
Expression
Not a sin
Keep going
Keep
The creativity
flowing
Keep
Your mind
going
Because
When you
stop
It stops
Create
Create
**Create
Apr 2015 · 3.1k
Liar
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
I tell myself lies everyday
I smile

Even when I'm not okay
Apr 2015 · 866
Stripped Bare
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
I can't be brave
I'm not that smart
My thoughts are zombies
And I'm never good enough
I've lost enough
I won't lose you
So I will keep working
I will keep living
Just to keep you safe and loved
Apr 2015 · 901
If I Died...
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
I'll float in space alone
And *
stare at the world
from above
Among the twinkling lights
I'll sit on the moon
It'll be cold and quiet
And lonely but peaceful..
No breeze
No sound
Not even my own thoughts
Would disturb me
I'd stare at the world and remember the little things
The things that gave me life
The people that would miss me
But who am I kidding?
No one would

When I'm done with goodbyes
When I'm done with my tears
I'll fall off the edge
So no one can hear
There would be a place waiting
My love ones of the deceased
All waiting for me..
I'll cry tears of joy and look back one more time
I hope I was loved..

Then into a field of grass and the trees
Magnificent cliffs at the beach of bliss
The wind in my hair and blue skies above
I'll grow wings and fly with bravery
Bravery I've always wanted
With a heart of fired passion
Just as smooth as watery ice
I'll spark light in your days
With all my eccentric ways

A single cloud resting away
This place does what it may
The light of the sun, dancing with warmth on my skin
It tickles me down...
Down to the ground
Into the ground

My tears become rapids
They follow the creek
I think of fireflies and ghosts
And trains and bus seats
And car rides and laughter
So much laughter
And music so lovely
All it is
A lullaby
That taps me to sleep
And when I am calm
When I close my eyes for the last time
I hope you remember I **smiled
Apr 2015 · 1.5k
Whispers
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
There are too many voices

Inside my head and out

They follow each other

They follow me down

I'm alone in the dark

Screaming to shout

No one is there

"Please get me out"...

They all want to change me

I don't know who I am

This mirror can't help me

There's nothing to see..

Please mute these voices

Please turn on the light

All I want is the moonlight

The sun and the stars..

The wind and the rain

Take me there, wherever you are

I'm alone in a corner

In the dark with my heart

My mind might be broken

But my soul is so stark

Just take my heart for a token

And silent
These whispers*...
Apr 2015 · 1.5k
Standing
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
He didn't know where he stood
I'm walking backwards on a tightrope
Upside down and around
I asked
Can I stand with you?
I'll be your
Strength
Home
Bravery
We could stand with the stars and the moon
I knew where he was all along
Apr 2015 · 473
Black Heart
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
All I know is
I broke my rules for you
I hope you realize that too
My heart is stuck between
Dying
And
Healing
I honestly confused myself even more by writing this
Apr 2015 · 719
Anonymous
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
"The sun loved the moon so much that he died every night to let her breathe"
-Spirit Science
Apr 2015 · 1.8k
Sobriety
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
Sometimes
I want drugs
But I like you better sober
I wish I could help him be sober. I wanted to be his drug, but I guess that's what choices are for..
Apr 2015 · 669
10 Word Story
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
"Just remember, even your worst days only have twenty-four hours"*
-10 word story
Apr 2015 · 9.8k
Fireflies
Nicole Ashley Apr 2015
I hold this jar of fireflies
Under the moon
Stars
And wind
They float inside and wait
Sweeping across dewey grass
I count them
One by one
On and off they flicker, see?
Twilight I set them free
Don't they look so lovely?
Mar 2015 · 315
Just Thinking: Part Two
Nicole Ashley Mar 2015
We were brought to this destruction
These broken houses you see
That's me
Abandoned to wither away
That *was
me
A different war, gone to this day
I must say
Inside you
Inside me
War and destruction  kept at bay
Because here inside this abandoned place
Love was made
Fire in a fighter, adjacent
These crumbling walls for art to display
Of creative minds with something to say
War and destruction left to wither
"I am not afraid
I will be okay"

This is a sanctum
A private place of broken glass
Of broken walls
Of broken ceilings
All these broken thoughts and feelings

We were brought to this destruction
It shows innocent strength under all corruption
A war full of meaning
In a place where peace is seeming
Through it's artful colored walls
The air still stiff and quiet and all
My love was fed with fire to feed
Under the sun from the holes in this ceiling
I need you to know we have a meaning

This place is me
A fire in a fighter
I will not stop my war
Unlike all these abandoned houses
You won't be forgotten and useless
From even before we came to this destruction
This apparation
I always knew there would be more
For you and me
For our eyes to see
**My fight had more fire when we walked out that *door
Mar 2015 · 472
Testimony
Nicole Ashley Mar 2015
How do you react
When there's cops at your door
Because your mother has called them
And it's the *last thing
you think she'll do

How do you react
When the house is full of screaming
And your baby brother crying
He doesn't understand
He doesn't even know how to talk yet

How do you react
When anything you do isn't enough
Yet you try with all your power
With all your heart and will
It just seems lost for nothing

How do you react
When you feel a whip burn in your leg
Or your head smashed into the wall
When you're bleeding and broken
And alone

When you did nothing wrong

How do you react
As a child around drunks at a party
Who should be in bed
Was almost laid in bed
By a man who smelt of liquor

How do you react
When everyone is laughing
Not with you but at you
At the way you look
At the way you talk

How do you react
When your arms and legs are full of scars
And you've bled out everything but these things
And when people ask
You're too ashamed to admit it

How do you react
When all the pain you have went numb
When the pills take it's toll
And you've gone numb

How do you react
When the one closest to you dies
And you didn't say goodbye
And the world feels lost without them


How do you react
When salt water leaks from your eyes
You don't know why
And you can't say why
Because all you do is choke on your own words
Every night

It's numbing

And that's all it is
Because all of it has chipped away
Everything is numb
My reaction went numb
I've felt
Anger
And sadness
And loss
And helplessness


I've felt

Nothing

*But it's okay, you see
There are people that care
There are people to love
People that love you
Sometimes it's not their time in your life
Those people come and go
I've felt *happiness

Even though I'm scared
Even though I don't know how to react
Even though I'm insecure
Even though I know I don't know everything
It's all a process

I am stronger
I am capable of being loved and giving love
I am open to life
I am open to it's struggles
I will be brave
I will be selfless
I will be kind

I am me

So let me ask you this,

*How do you react?
Feb 2015 · 571
Anxiety Pt.1
Nicole Ashley Feb 2015
I can't breathe
I can't talk
I can barely ask someone anything

...Just lost in thought...

Trying to say one word
All they hear is me choking
Holding back one word
Why am I doing this to myself?

They look confused now
And crowd me to ask what's wrong
...
I choke on one word
I can't say anything
No matter how hard I try...

"This is not a way to live, this is a way to die"

And how would I die?...
All the words *unspoken

Words I don't know how to say
Words I'm afraid of and long to say
...
all at the same time
It makes me go mad
I don't think I'll ever be sane

...
How does one do this to their self?
But all I know, is that you can't choose
You don't do this to yourself
Not on purpose anyways...

It happens on it's own...

Where you choke on one word
Your heart beats so fast it hurts
It feels like you'd explode
Salt water leaking from your eyes
Your brain just overflows.....
Gasping for air
As you shake uncontrollably...
And lie there and *wait



.....It's so hard to say one word
All you hear is a squeak
Me choking on one word
Like strangling myself till I  have no more...


I am at war with myself

And both sides are losing...
Feb 2015 · 390
The Lost One
Nicole Ashley Feb 2015
Last night for good nights
He stopped sputtering words
He stopped and she took flight
But now she stops and thinks
"What's right?"
Staying high
She saw him gone
So quietly
Gone so fast it's hard to believe
Turned back on time
Just back
Only one chime
Or maybe two
And now it's 3
She just wants to see
She remembers the bed
The sleepless nights
The long afternoons
Huddled in tight
The smell of the sheets
And his blankets
Sleep drunk
But in her dreams
She waits until
He catches up and makes a deal
She can't hear him now
Only the beats of blood
Covered her ears
The blood that courses through her veins
She's angry now
She takes her time
And makes a bow
To make her exit
Off the land strip
Off the blankets
While she awoke
She turned back on time
Maybe one
Or maybe two
And now it's 3
She looks at me
I look at her
That's a mirror doing it's work
So can I be sure?
I know I'm sure
I don't miss him
All it was is experience
She looks at me
I look at her
That's a mirror doing it's work
Feb 2015 · 8.6k
Bug in a Cup
Nicole Ashley Feb 2015
I am blue
I am black and white altogether
I can tell today is not my day
Not my day
Not even with you
Not my day
I feel trapped like an insect
Under and inside a glass cup
I am the insect and cup altogether
Transparent but unseen
From the inside
No one can hear me
I'd rather that so
I'd rather them not hear me
All the white noise
Clicked off from the world
I shut down
I'm under and inside the cup
Squirming yet staying still
Never moving evermore
I am blue
I am black and **white altogether
I can tell you this
Today is not my day
Even as I write these words
Not my day
The world's noise was clicked off
As I was put under and inside this cup
Not my day
I hate being in and under
Bug in a cup
Not my day....
Jan 2015 · 563
Well..
Nicole Ashley Jan 2015
Well
  I'm broken

        It's complicated
It always is
            
                      And well...
Jan 2015 · 624
Fire
Nicole Ashley Jan 2015
My hair is
My heart is
My mind is
My body is
My hands
My feet
Arms
Legs
Knees
Fingers
Every vein in me
Even the blood that runs through them
Every pulsating second
Even my nose
Toes
And my cheeks
My eyes
The noise that comes from my mouth

all of that is fire

I am *alive
Jan 2015 · 704
Blue Hair and Amber Eyes
Nicole Ashley Jan 2015
The whips of her hair flew
A spew electric blue
His wings encircled her
And he looked at her with his fire amber eyes
The devil's child from below
She didn't know
The wishbone would make her remember
A devil's child
From the life of hers before
Struck from smoke
She began to remember
How fobidden their love was
The devil in angels wings
Where both flew
To end the war that never ended
To make life anew
The book I'm reading made me want to write that. It is called The Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor.
Jan 2015 · 387
Take Care of This Child
Nicole Ashley Jan 2015
Take care* of this child
She is useless
She is hopeless
She is worthless
She is mindless
There are no manners in her
There's nothing in her
Worthless

Of course there is nothing in her
You took everything from her
She's done all of these things
Invisible in your sight

Someone please take care of this child
There is nothing more she can *give
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