I woke up
With a clear head
For the first time in two months
Misplaced longing not hiding underneath my pillowcase
For once
I knew what I wanted
And it wasn’t you
For once
I knew I couldn’t keep doing this,
Seeing you
Promising pure intentions
And ending with you curled up naked beside me

You can not make love where there is no love

And I no longer desire you.

For the repercussions have finally pushed me over the edge

I know what I want
One good night of sleep later

And it isn’t you.

POINT YOUR TOES!
Lift one foot high up In the air!
Sashay left,
Sashay right,
Make sure to keep you legs up high!
SPLIT REASONS LIKE YOUR LEGS,
FOR GODS SAKE LIFT YOUR HEAD,
POINT, HEEL,
TUCK your ribs,
LETS GO ACROSS THE FLOOR,
QUICKER THEN WHEN YOU TRIED TO RUN,
COUNT.
one, two, three,
Hands around me.
Sunken faces,
You weren't drunk,
Just a water,
Was just enough.
LIFT YOU LEG OVER YOUR HEAD,
KICK IT HIGHER!
Try to kick away the pain,
Or set you memories on fire!
Burning hotter then your limbs!
Keep your form tight!
Keep your feet just right!
If only it would have stopped,

Him.

There is determination
Longing
And finalization
Between your lips
Skin tastes so much sweeter when its forbidden
the last thing I want to do is embarrass you
But I have longed for this for a while too.

Will I be,
A prima ballerina,
Will I get that far,
By 19?
Will the world be my stage,
Will I dance every day,
Will I be strong.
Will my feet be blistered,
From the point shoes?
While the lights from the stage,
Warm my dead soul.

Will I be,

A prima ballerina.

I know you're laughing at me right now
I can feel it
It makes me hate you
Which is what I needed

What are these roads?
We've walked them before

Your love is a pain,

I wish to endure

Sacred bodies
Broken galaxies
Breath on cold
Windows
Happy dreams
And confusing feelings
Talking to you
Every night


Chilly walks
Serious talks
Boots
Coffee

Sleepy haze
Dark green eyes
Pointed toes
Our work shows
Definition
Define this
This is a
Nice
experience


Excitement
This isn't love
But it's a nice teenage experience

On bad days you count the estimated days for my disappearance from your life
On good days you count the stars with me.

I find comfort,
In numbers,
The curved edges,
Displaying the amount of people,
You pushed away,
I find safety,
In numbers,
The cold night,
You hugged yourself tight,
Begging to get away,
I find frustration in numbers,
The same way you find frustration in feelings,
But they just don't go away,
Far to many,
Far to often,
Has it always been this way?

if my fingers could scratch past the glass,
to reach your bony hands,
i would never stop trying,
to hug your thinning body,
to rub warmth to your fingers and your soul,
you have shown me love like i have never known before.
i wish i could break the screens,
to get to you,
so that i could somehow save you,
i could be there for you no matter how bad things got,
we could stop fooling with i miss you's
i really want to see you,
if only,
i could get past the
SCREEN

OH GOOD GOD
trays of empty cigarettes lay displayed,
I find happiness in the strangest of places,
I'M NO GOOD AT INTRODUCTIONS,

So I'll make this sweet,
Sweet,
And well,
Brief.

DON'T GET ME WRONG!
I love to speak,
Shaky hands,
What was that equation?
WAIT!
That's not geometry!

HOLY SWEET WINE!
I'm running out if time!
****..
does this have to rhythm?!
****!

I can feel water between my toes,
Filling up my ears.
I'm in bed?
Is that normal?

I have this theory,
That normal doesn't exist..

CUZ WE'RE ALL CRAZY...




right...?

The shadows on my wall don't frighten me.
As much as my own hands before the screen.
You worry me.
A pill,
You say.
I will,
You say,
You scare me.

I have seen your scars.
I know your demons.
Your past your present .
I know your secrets.
Why this though?
Why,
Suicide?
For once,
My best friend made me cry.
The wall was broken.
My fist was bleeding.
For I knew who was at fault.
She's fine,
They say
Do you know her?
I ask
Because I don't believe you when you say you do.
She would,
I cry,
She will,
I scream,
Heaven please help me.


A deep breath.
A final plead.
I fall to my knees.

Exhaustion.
But you are breathing.
and I may carry your life in my hands.
Again maybe,
You never know.

Maybe
At the beginning of the end
Of a slew
Of bad dreams
And night terrors
I will discover
The darkest caverns
Where you learned you could hold her hands to silence her
Where did you learn you could hold her hands to silence her
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO HOLD HER HANDS TO SILENCE HER
In the middle of a conversation, she was animated, she was young, and she would talk as much with her hands as her mouth
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO HOLD HER HANDS TO SILENCE HER
WHERE
DID YOU LEARN
WHERE
DID YOU SEE
DID YOU WATCH IT OVER AND OVER
ON A SCREEN OF *******
AND THEN TRY IT OUT FOR YOURSELF

IF YOU HOLD HER HANDS SHE WILL GO QUIET  
AND
WHITE LIKE A SHEET
Was it behind closed doors
Was it upstairs in the crevice of a horror story


IF YOU HOLD HER HANDS YOU WILL SILENCE HER
BUT
WHERE DID YOU LEARN
That
WHERE DID YOU SEE
That
how could you know?
You showed us all
Like you had practiced
In the middle of a conversation
You would grab her wrists
And she would look back
Mouth sewed shut with a rusty needle
Covered in blood
  
That’s why I believed her
I mean god, how could anyone not believe her
When she said
You’d stolen her voice
I saw it
I watched it
Different context
But the action
Haunts me
The truth is
When my sister and her boyfriend broke up,
I was waiting for her to tell me.

I want it to be summer,
And I want to be in love,

But I can't just skip to that part,
And it's starting to depress me.

sleep,
Sleep,
      Don't eat away,
  At my,
        Dreams,
   Don't let them fade away,

    By all means,

Don't forget to forget your face,
The way,
      
        HOME...

Love,
   Love don't,


    Eat away at me,

       ...please...

  Sleep,

     Keep my soul,
          My soul to keep....
Cause I can't fall asleep......

    Pain,
     Please try to refrain,
  

          From breaking,



      My bitter heart,
And time it's taking,
      
     To breathe,


Heart,


      Please don't let me,
                   Fall apart,
                                Catch me,
Before I


                  D
                     R
                        O
                             W
                                  N

Cause I might drown...

The snap of twigs under my feet,
Makes me remember to crackle of lighting,
That one night.
The wind is harsh,
Fall colored leaves,
Fall to the ground,
Slowly they whip back and forth,
Slowly I block up my past,
Slowly I attempt to become unchained,
Slowly.....
I pretend I am just tired from lack of sleep,
Not from lack of love,
Of comfort,
I pretend I am just sad,
Not chronic depression
That keeps coming back...
It's getting dark out now,
I'm walking down the trail on the property
We can barely afford.
I climb trees and stay at the top,
Attempting to see,
Me
Beyond my depression,
Beyond my obsession,
Of being ok..
I have to go back,
I say.
I have to climb down,
Out,
From the pit I have dug for myself,
I have lists of people who gladly handed me the shovel,
But it's my choice to climb out,
I breath in and slowly ascend out of my
Pain,
Down from my tree,
Head back to the house...

I'm ok.

Laughing kids,
Each smile painted on their face,
In whitening toothpaste,
Beautiful girls and,
Athletic boys,
And you,
And me,
The two from ****** up families,
Talking about our shared anxiety,
A party,
I will find the one most broken,
And talk to them,
Because everything they say is just,
So **** relateble,
You tell me you've broken fingers,
Punching things,
And everyone laughs and says:
"He totally has!"
And I tell you that my fingers never broke,
But my wall did,
On several occasions,
You tell me your dad,
Is always drunk as ****,
And I tell you mine didn't need alcohol to hit,
You tell me you never go to school because of your anxiety disorder,
And anger issues,
And depressive episodes,
I tell you: "oh my god me too!"
Because you're just,
So **** relateble.

When we're in the car
After we had an argument
And I know he's stressed
When he doesn't understand why our sister is on medication
Or why somedays I don't get out of bed
Or why we're back in court
Or why our parents are divorced
Or why my mother cries
Or why sometimes I have to parent him
Take care of him


Sometimes
On quiet nights
I hold my brothers hand
Because when I was young
I would've done anything
For anyone to tell me anything was okay
That I wasn't going crazy
That sometimes people just hurt
Sometimes I hold my brothers hand
Because when I was young
I would've done anything

For someone to hold mine

How do I tell you
That the thought of your hands on me
Once where comfort slept
Suddenly sickens me
How do I tell you
The apologies weren't enough
That I don't forgive you
That I'm still angry

That I just don't love you anymore

For a thousand
Tiny
Unfair reasons

You hurt me
So I became disconnected
And I don't know how to connect
Me to you

Again.

Maybe I don't want to.

I've got planets in my ears,
Stars in my eyes,
Black on my body,
And a heart full of lies.

Swim through
Darkness
Cling to stars

Swim through uncertainty
To a frozen lagoon on mars

Blue tails with
Silver scales

Pink hair
That drifts lazily

Eyes like diamonds that rain on Saturn
Fingers like Milky Way's
Rings like Jupiter

Hearts
Like the black holes
We're all afraid of

Vast
And terrifying
Unable to see
The inside
Without getting ****** up
Into mystery

my darling,
tonight we are not broken

tonight,
we are stars

and even though,
we have died,
hundreds of years ago

no one on earth needs to know

tonight,
we burn bright

forget about about the past,
forget about our fight,
because tonight,
*we burn bright.

Pull on my,
STARSUIT
Let the silvery fabric,
Engulf me,
Let your eyes swim in the patterns,
Night after night,
I capture your eyes,
Keep my gaze for,
As long as you can remember,
My,
STARSUIT,
Is sure to dazzle you,
Even if it isn't a dress,
Because a dress,
Would get caught in my satin tresses,
My obsessions,
Like the night,
Gleaming down my double breasted bow,
As my shiny black shoes walk over to you,
It's my STARSUIT,
Memorable,
Don't you see?
The way my body holds it,
Or,
It holds me,
It's my,
STARSUIT.

"Why do you only wanna talk about the problems with public school and suicide?"

Because the blood in the restroom stall,
And the ghosts that walk the halls,
Are only increasing in numbers.

We're both jocks
We come home from practice achy and tired and raw
We both shower and I go to your house smelling like lavender body wash
You spray versace on your chest and your hair is still wet when I get there
I laugh at the bruises on your neck
From me last time
I say hello to your mother and your dogs and complain about how hard I worked and we compare exercises
And how bad they hurt
Then I sit on the couch
Next to you
Your mother is watching some show but she's going to bed soon
Your house is warmly lit
And laughter keeps our faces wide
My family wonders why I love to be here all the time
Your mother offers me food
Like she always does
And I politely decline having just eaten dinner
You put your arm around my shoulder while you ice your knees and we talk about how we **** our bodies up for our passions
But we wouldn't change it for anything
We talk about how we don't want school to start
How we can't believe summer is over

I leave
Usually
Too late
Or too soon
To me and you
Wrapped in one of your hoodies and smelling like your cologne

Then I brush my teeth wash my face and go to bed

Wake up
And do it all over again.

Bring me along!
To your road trip of fun!
I'll hop In the backseat,
Unbothered by the summer heat,
And we'll drive till your fingers blister on the steering wheel.

I can ride along!
S'long I can pick the music,
Ain't really nothing to it,
But we might hit some old superchic,

Oh! Bring me along!
My skin itches to touch the hot air,
Blooming through the window,
At 60mph.

Oh won't you let me tag along?

The words were in my heart
But they could not reach my mouth
That's the thing about taboo
When it's tied
To an "I love you"

The Bird is never still
Flying from one topic to the other
Her chatter loud and uncensored
Her friends twittering at her to be quieter
The Bird has many friends
But Birds always sleep alone
And cold
With their hollow bones

The Fox is the Bird's friend
The Fox is tricky
Weaving in and out of conversations
Gorgeous
And sleek
The Fox makes rabbits fall in love with her so she'll have plenty to eat
The Bird and the Fox are unconventional friends
Friends no one would think would click
But the Bird will chatter and chatter and the Fox will quietly sit
Listening to everything
Retaining information

The Chameleon is the Fox's and the Bird's mutual friend
When with the Fox they match their red
When with the Bird they match their blue
And so on
So no one really knows the Chameleon's true colors
Whoever you are
They'll match you
Blending in
A social camaflouge
That they think keeps them safe

And when together they are quite
A sight
Wandering loudly
Through the night
They are a strange group
And when together they're tight
Exchanging advice
Or judging each other

But never outright


You'll never catch the bird
But be careful if you do
If not gentle with your touch
Her bones will crack right in front of you

The Fox puts on a face
Bearing teeth and changing mates
But under all that glossy fur
She's scared that you won't want her

If you catch the Chameleon off guard
You might be surprised
What you see is never what you get
But if you look real hard
The chameleon will freeze and fall down to their knees
please, please, just like me

......

if you were right,
and i was wrong,
i swear to you,
i'd write a song,
before  our love,
went,
to ****,
just goes to show,
emotional,
is not the best to describe a fist..
no,
so here it goes,
i'll soften the blow,
just so you know,
i've let it go,
and i see your
smiling face once again,

but oh,
you let me cry it out,
you stayed up in your head to pout,
you claim the bruises on your brain,
were from me,
and not the rain,
that falls with tears,
i must admit it,
as it appears,


you still blame me.

All the card holders are empty,
ABUSED? PLEASE CALL!
****** ASSAULT SURVIVAL HOTLINE!
SUICIDEL TEEN HOTLINE!
These cards fill the library restroom,
(Library? REFUGE)
It's great these organizations exist,
Yes help,
More please!
What's more disturbing to me,
Is the fact that we need them,
Or even more so,
That the holders are empty.
The victims are,
Only increasing in numbers,
people are just becoming numbers,
And teenagers,
Are just statistics anymore.

I'm older now

You told me you loved me tonight


I cried

I'm older now
I held him and kissed him goodnight

I'm older now
I went to a restaurant and my mother handed me a glass of wine

I'm older now
Kept quiet in the face of violence

I'm older now
Helped make breakfast

I'm older now
I'm the age they thought appropriate for me to love fiercely

The age they thought okay for you to want me

The age we always talked about like some distant memory

The one we used in all our arguments
All our reasons

Now

I am here

And I don't know what to do with it.

Almost scared to want it

Almost.

I loved all my presents
But they weren't what I really wanted
Despite asking for them

What I want
I am scared to want
What I wanted
Once,





Was you.

pick, take, place, return,
repeat,
no more,
I promise.
I return.
I pick, I take, I place, I return.
constantly.
I pick the life, I take their time, I place it back on the counter,
a week later,
and then I return.
to the wisdom creator.
the power,
to relieve me of my woes,
of everyday life.

she, the one with the computer, and the scanner,
has the power to give me other lives,
or to make me love mine,

a little more

The girl you met at a party
And bonded with over how your father's are *******,
And which year you wanted to **** yourselves.

Who, you would laugh with
But never date
Not just because she's gay,
But because her anxiety is crazy,
Like yours.

You will talk about beer
And she will notice that boys with drunk families either love
Or hate the stuff

She will see you growing older
Becoming a drunk like your father
And watching your potential
Go down the drain

Because you tell her how you missed 80 days of school
And they can't technically expel you
Because you had a doctors note for your anxiety
She tells you how she didn't learn anything in 6th grade
Except which pills to take
To numb her brain

She will hold your hand while you run down a hill
Away from the other 'normal' kids,
For quiet.

She will grab your shoulder when you tell her you punched a brick wall till your fingers broke
And tell you "buddy, get some better coping mechanisms"

You'll talk about beer again
And she'll talk about how flowers make her angry

You'll play truth or dare
With normal kids
And you will get defensive of her

Why did you get defensive of me
So quickly

Is it because I was vulnerable with you?

Is it because I hugged you when you left and told you

If your father ever hits you again

Call the ******* cops.

Is it because you see you in me?

Is it because I am the healthy now you strive to be

If she could keep you alive a little longer
She would show you all the songs she wrote for you

"I wish I knew you in 8th grade
Because I would've never let you near that belt in the first place"

You say you're happy you didn't **** yourself, because now you have her.

She talks to you everyday
And her dark comedy flies through
Stupid movie quotes

With her
You talk about the future
Like something you look forward to,
Not like a fairy tale your mother told you,
Before you knew what scars looked like,
Before you knew the color of your blood.

At my core
I am just a small, crocheted girl
Laying in the bottom of my childhood treasure chest
In the same pink dress
With only half of my blonde hair
Sewn on to my head
A blank cotton face
Only blue eyes stitched in
And Momma always said:
“I’ll get to it”

I’m sorry
she said

I hope that she meant it.

My brain feels like something
I am constantly trying to get away from
Unresolved trauma lays
And grey matter doesn’t stay
I’m in pain
A lot of the time
And I can’t stand being alone
Because of this
Distractions keep me occupied
But they don’t allow my issues to get fixed
I tried to go back to therapy
But my doctor hung up on me
And I am alone in the shallow end of the pool
Again
“Just stand up”
Is what I think
Is what I cry
All night
“Just stand up”
Is what everyone tells me
But what they don’t see
Is this pool is full of tar
And while it is shallow
It is drowning me still
It is holding me still
“Just stand up”
Do I create my own problems?
Do I hurt myself?
Am I the only reason that I still feel like this?
“Just stand up”
Molasses
“Just stand up”
A crisis
”Just stand up”
My limbs are numb
“Just stand up”
I stand
And my older brother stares at my naked body like he’s hungry
And I am 7 years old again
I stand
And I can see my father slap my mother across the face
I am 6 years old again
I stand
And I see the boy that manipulated me out of my body like a murderer who says “I love you” before shooting you
If you love me why are you doing this
Why are you violating me
I’m 16 years old again
And no one ever told me that my body was mine
That I could say no to the men who want to hurt me
That not everyone wants to love me the way I want to be
Loved
I stand
I spin
And I’m back down again.

I am somewhere
Just left of breath
With winding trees
And knobby knees
And knuckle breaking
Soul punching
Regret
I am somewhere
East of guilt
North of normal
South of sensible
You were just west of everything I ever wanted

But alas I was never good with directions
And my maps are always upside down
Or I'm always in the wrong town
The map reads:


Lonely
Population: Me


I am never exactly where I want to be
Second star to the right and straight on till morning you traced the sky on me

My world was almost broken
When I found out i was nothing but a token rifle in a gun cabinet loaded with your lust for human decency

You never did find any in me

I guess we're even now

Because I've been doing a lot of that lately

Getting even
I just never thought you were competition
But you played these games
And you ran the race and I followed you
Blindly
I believed you were the one person
Who didn't wish me to be less of me

But there you go
Pining after me
After I've already told you
I will not kiss your ****** fists
And I ask you,

I ask you how your girlfriend is.

And the conversation ends.

Because you know what you're doing and I know what you're doing

And when the GPS said road work ahead

Because you are so broken,
And you refuse to stop choking
untrustworthy out of unknowing girls

I took the detour
Because I knew it
And you knew it too


I don't think I can be his friend

Conversation can't be innocent with you

"Having someone doesn't mean ****"

"The loneliness doesn't go away with someone sitting next to you"

"If someone says they 'love you' it doesnt make you love yourself"

This is what the storm took out
you ******* ******* *****
Look out
Because right now I am calm
And that's the worst that this could get.

This song is car rides,
And bedrooms,
It's 4am,
It's tears,

This song is night,
This song is my childhood,
This song,
Played for so many,
Parts of my life,

Mostly the divorce,
Mostly the pain,
This song,
Brings me back,
To my,
'Scary'
Days,

This song is old friendship,
And old people,
Lost.

This song,
Is pumped up kicks.

I am depressed again.

I'm not mad at myself for it.

I realized because things that don't usually bother me
Are starting to eat away at me like invisible cancer
That doesn't show up on the scans
But I can feel it in my chest
An illness only I can see

I am diseased
Mentally

My brain has been infected with bugs lately
Everyone of them attempting to convince me I am not worth the work or the money or the hurt
That maybe none of this matters
That maybe I miss them

That maybe
It still makes me sad
To wonder about.  

I started staying up late again
Feeling sad and alone into the early hours of the morning

Depression is so frustrating because everyone around you has no idea what's happening so you just stand there talking nonsense trying not to let them peek but some part of you wants them to understand so badly

But how could they?
After all

Depression lusts after lonely
Depression sweeps isolation up in his arms and twirls her
Romantically
Depression loves that I love how I write when he's here
Depression doesn't have a name
But when he visits me I am split between angry and nostalgia

Because I know sad
Well
It is familiar
It is like family
It visits me
And I cannot decide how long it will stay
But I can brave conversations

I cannot run away.

Some girls get personally offended that I don't wear thongs to hip-hop class
Girls
girls
Girlworld

I live in a small town with even smaller minded people
Where the women never blossom into swans
Just fairly racist chickens
And the men stick around long enough to wean their boys on alcohol and guns and then they leave with the son's respect for women
And their daughters hope for men

I want to paint my room
Yellow, or gray, or blue
Anything but this purple
I want to paint over the galaxy I wrote for you

I wear boxer shorts to bed
They're stolen from the first time I laid my hand on a woman
The first time I tasted alcohol
She was wearing them when I tasted her
I took them to remind myself
These things actually happen
That I am allowed to feel
That my wild side need not be confined

When I was young I fought so hard to be living
At least, I thought I did
But I didn't really
It's impossible to fight smoke
Or cigar ash
Or shoelaces
Or the rainbow liquid dripping out of the bottom of the blue suburban

The truth is
And has always been
I'm not sure of what I am supposed to be fighting
Is it the girls?
The money?
The standards?
The lonely?
There is only one thing I will ever be sure of about life

And that is that now,

I enjoy it.

Once you've grasped it throw it up,
Toss it higher, and higher,
When it comes back toss it back up,
Throw caution to the wind,
Once you know that they're bad news,
But you choose to love them anyways,
You throw caution to the wind.

Let the wind push it farther from your grasp,
The closer you get,
The more you let yourself dream,
The less it all means,
Throw caution to the wind.

I look a little bit like a drug addict
(Old hoodie, bags under my eyes)
In a days mascara,
And last night messy bun.
My hands are shaking,
But not from drugs.

All black is normal,
Less then semi formal,
I guess you could say my out matches my in today.

To
Hold
A
Moment
In
Your
Hand
Is
Like
Trying
To
Hold
Sun
Dried
Sand

Escaping
Through
Each
Wrinkle
On your
Palm


To
Sing
A
Song
In
Your
Heart
Is just
The
Same
As
Pulling
One
Apart
Each
And
Every
Symphony
Waiting for its
Destiny
To change
A
LIFE

Your hands
Feel nothing like his hands
And it scares me
Your eyes
Look nothing like his eyes
But somehow that excites me
Everything about you is
Unfamiliar and new
You are dark where he was light
Your skin is caramel
And your hair comprised of tiny tight curls
That I just want to tug on softly all day
Unravel you
You have no strong opinions
About anything
Relaxed, laid back,
You make me laugh so hard it makes me a bad driver
And you hold the dashboard dramatically
You didn’t say anything as I drove miles under the speed limit on our way back to your house
Only us on the road anyways
And I wanted it to just be us for
A little longer
A former lover no longer lingers in our conversations
They are only ours
And you are different
And yet we are so good together
And yet

And yet

Any moment
A glance
Or a cologne
Or a break in our shared laughter
And the ghosts
Of our past loves
Settle between our knees
Not touching but so close
Keeping me away from you
And you away from me.