Why
tiny sparks of electricity
I grab your arm
you turn to me
"Maybe we should walk"
maybe we should talk
You mean so much to me

Push my shoulder blades together,
Force my chest open
To breathe cold, frigid air.

Remove the collar from my shirt,
Suffocating me,

Keep me on the porch tonight,
To air out uncertainties,

Have the cold air dry my stinging tears.

My body shaking from the cold,
Or maybe my lack of breath.

"Come inside now! You will freeze!"
My aunt yells to me,

But out here,
I can breathe.

We faked till we fought,
Then we fought and we fought.
We broke,
Trust.

It happens to the best of us.

We both have twin holes in our walls
From when we were feeling a little too broken and we wanted something else to crumble and get ripped open from all of the wrong

We get angry
Our mothers agree
Its not healthy
But you're just like me
And I haven't met many people with that similarity
And you miss me
When I'm gone
And you like to write songs
But I don't know how to sing
Poetry is just another outlet
But maybe it's not a good thing
And your body on mine
It was far more then fine
And I made you ask before every touch
You love my hair
I fell for your everywhere
But neither of us are any good at love

So I said no
To the dates and the roses
And everything that comes with teenage commitment
I don't want any of it
But I don't want you kissing

Anyone other than me

I know
I know

I'm so selfish
Yeah its true
Plenty of people that know me
Could
Tell
You

It saddens me to feel the rift
Drifting towards indifference
When the soaking anger dries
All that is left is nothing

you were never in bounds
so many reasons
but i still want you
for so many more

"Stop"
face inches from mine
"Do not do something you will regret"
you back away
"That's what I thought."

I smoke **** because it makes the headaches go away
My brain pounds against my skull
And the lights flicker and
The sharp pain follows me home
The drugs made everything dull
I mean, can you blame me?
A life full of sharp
Stabbing
Pain
Washed away with an inhalation of smoke
The tramadol didn’t work
The codeine didn’t work
But the smoke

Worked.

Last year I was addicted to caffeine
I used to call anxiety spicy energy
Espresso shots and soft drinks tore their way through my veins
The year before that
I was addicted to you
I used to call the sadness inspiration
I used to call you
And you would always ignore me
I used to be addicted to writing
But people go through phases
We mimic nature
The moon is dark and darker and then it’s light again
Your heart is warm and warmer and then it’s cold
And friends
Will change and leave you behind
And you will cry in your car all night
After eating one too many edibles

This poem’s a mess
And so is my head

This year I don’t have any addictions
This year I am free
And I found that there isn’t that much in my personality
I tied myself to people and things
And being alone is scary
But I guess it’s better then being a slave
I guess it’s better to be ordinary.

Everything  I want to say
Settles with our touching skin
I missed you
I want you
Holding and having
Finally
Again

I am not confident
I am just naive

I say I hate them
The boys
All of them
Really I hate me
For letting them treat me
The way that they do

He loved her the way people love the rain

They say do

Until they get caught up in it;

And then their opinion changes for a moment
Because how could they know
It was this cold.

"I don't have a good answer for you, really"
You kiss me
"I don't get involved"
I run my fingers through your hair
"People are too messy"
I fell for your everywhere
"I think friends is best"
You kiss my neck
"I don't get too close"
I take off your shirt
"Lets take this slow"
Hold my face don't let go

We are both messy
We both have messy pasts, presents, and futures
We both fell too fast
We both still aren't over our exes
We both needed casual
We both craved intimacy

You were fun
But you couldn't trace the sky on me

Oh how clever thought I!

To climb so high!

So far!

And reach for the stars!

So high!

To touch the sky!

Branch after branch!

Climbing away from fear!

And towards opportunity!

Oh thought I!

I leaned on the top branch!

Looking out upon the cloudy sky!

Wind whipping through my blonde hair!

What a beautiful day!

What a beautiful sky!

What a perfect moment,

To learn how to fly!

My feet left the branches,
As I jumped and then soared,

But my soaring was short.

Don't ask me why I'm not sure,

I flew yes I swear,

For a moment at least,

Then I was snatched out of the sky!

By a bear,
By a beast!
And his name,

Was gravity.

If,
They,
Kissed me,
Right here,
On my face,
My,
Objections,
Wouldn't,
Exist.

I want you to prove me right
secretly
I want you to confirm all the horrible things I think about
I want you to leave me
deem me unlovable

You feel a lifetime away
And now so does he
I wonder if this one is next
I’m trying to keep him close
But I’ve done close before
And I know how it ends

If you say I will get through this
I will spit in your eye

No one survives life

I associate you with a feeling

I shouldn't do it but I do

I'm only human and so are you

We both are spinning on this tiny planet

But we are worlds away

You could read my palm

And tell me that my heads ****** up

Or you could start a conversation

That would be enough.

You have to laugh
Otherwise it isn’t funny
Teenage sobriety
Turns into a joke.

I want to be done in the way that isn't final

Maybe just be in a coma for like
Three years

And not have to worry about anything
Or see anyone
Or go anywhere

People get exhausting
Work piles up
Money becomes not worth it

Emptiness make you wanna give up

Drowning in homework
Or your own blood

A constant headache
A steady job

I feel like I'm withering away

Even though I'm so young
And I really shouldn't complain

My life is pretty okay

But the more friends I make

The more tired I get
The more they wanna talk
The less I do
And I can feel myself pushing away
Because they're "normies"
They'd never understand

And I'm trying to plan my whole life out in front of me
Even though obstacles keep delaying me
And people keep disappointing me

I have to remember
Again
And again

The world doesn't revolve around me

Your hand is where happiness sleeps
And I held it

I wish that I could love myself
The way I love you
Maybe then
I would stop getting disappointed

You used to use it against me
You used to say
“You’ve changed”
“You aren’t the same person I fell in love with”
The pain
The blame
Of changing with your growing age
You used to smirk
After you flirted
After you insulted
After you won
I used to imagine what it would be like to kiss your thin pink lips
I thought I could predict the way you would kiss
The way the knives prickled off your tongue
Sharp
I am surprised they are not
Red with blood
You used to do a lot of things
You used to play god
But you kept forgetting your own rules
I
Was scared of your inconsistency
I
was scared of how much it took to get you to love me
I
Was always scared of something
And that something changes constantly

I
Used to
Be scared of you

I used to send you messages littered with
“I’m sorry”
And
“I love you”

We

Used to do a lot of things

But we don’t anymore

All the memories
All the ticks
Melted
With our friendship

Suger kisses
Silly crushes
Candy hearts ask
"Will you be mine?"
Wandering eyes
A glance at her thighs
Thorns on the roses in the bouquet you bought yesterday
Two things that can pierce
And in between
Two things that bleed
Heart shaped cardboard boxes
Filled with chocolate
And caramel
Walking through target
Commercialised, consumerisim
And everyone likes talking about how
This holiday is what it is for more sales
Than romance
And its true
Sugar hearts do not equal ancient love
But we love to spend
Money and time
On someone we love
Or someone we are saying sorry to
Maybe its the same one
Humans are so cute
Making cards
Red and pink
And surprising with favorited
Chocolate things
But today is take out
The girl your 'one true' doesn't know about
Or maybe they do
But choose not to mention it
Because maybe they
Really

Love,

You.

Lacy black things
Long receipts
Long nights
Not at the office
Where you claim to be
Let me ask you
Were the flowers for her

As large, and as beautiful,

As the flowers for me?

Tears roll down her face
Hand tapping an uneven pace
Click, Clack, clack, click, click
123 124 12345 1236
Uneven
Unwanted
unknown
One two three
Yell, scream, break,
Yell, yell, break,
Scream, yell, break,
One two ten
Mind whirring
Stirring all the emotions
Inside
One two break
Two three yell
She stands now
Thinking
One two
click four
five clack
yell seven
scream two,
i don't need you.


Pause it stop it don't need it
Shut up, shut up, shut up,
Shut it
Pause it stop it
Don't need it.

It does not matter where we come from
When we enter this studio we are equals
So do not act like you are better then me
Just because I live on the 'scary'
Street
Because when it comes down to it
We are only as good as we create ourselves to be
And you are on the same level as me
But we are
Different
In one way
Your dancing is polished
But unpassionate
And mine the opposite
You are on this level from experience
I am here
Because I love it
And it shows
And I work towards it constantly
My brain is messy
I spend long nights
On the cement floor in my living room
Getting bruised
Working till my muscles are too sore
To move
Or i am simply taken over by too much emotion
Because I'm laying on the cold floor crying softly
While the music I am supposed to be stretching to plays
You are in your
Thousand dollar bed
Sleeping peacefully
That
Is the difference between you and me.

Everybody has a dream,
Though we might not understand what they mean,
We leave are hearts open,
To be ripped from chests,

We can't be the only broken ones,
This can't be the end,
Because,
Tomorrow is another day,
We'll fall inlove again, for God sakes,
I'm not sure any more,
What we're fighting for,
Everybody has something they're battling,
Whether or not it has to do with us,
Everyone has something that they're thinking of,
And I know this,
Just because,
I can't be the only one,
I can't stand alone,
in this battle with myself,
We can't be the only ones,
That are battling ourselves,
Pinned against the only things we know,

We all grew into our ears and our teeth
Our opinions and our feet
Our clothes and chubby cheeks
We grew out of our music tastes
And other peoples mouths
Learned what it was like to love and be loved
Learned what hate looks like
What scars on hearts instead of arms looked like
We grew out our colored hair
And washed career dreams like astronaut and superhero
Down the drain
With someone else's sweat
Got used to sleeping in someone else's bed
Burned our memories of them
We grew into our faces
And out of our blind faith
We lead more then we follow
We fall in love with the concept of tomorrow
We learn the ability to bully instead of being bullied
And finally learn to rise above it all
We learned where we come from cannot change
But we can
We learned the city isn't always beautiful
That there are problems and trauma in silence
That sometimes the most peaceful thing you can do is scream until it makes sense to you

What happens when its quiet?
When there's nothing left to say,
When woods, and fields,
Aren't miles away.
When roads are quiet and footsteps are the only thing interrupting your thoughts?
Which,
Are always louder alone.
Birds always sing louder when they're  alone.

Anxiety likes to stand on my chest.
And cool breezes, and sunsets,
And quiet roads,
seem to be the only thing,

That reminds me,


I'm me.

Back when,
My converse were brand new,
I had starry nights,
With you,
Back when,
Holding hands,
Wasn't taboo.
I long to go,
Back with you

And you didn’t hold the kittens
They held you
In the upstairs of your barn
Behind one of the hay bails

Where summer was endless
lake days
holding hands
Climbing trees
And exploring

All of it made us feel like we never needed anything else
But we didn’t know anything else
Where even in the winter
The wood stove was there to help us keep our sunshine
Warm
And
Excited
Who could run the fastest
Who had the most secrets
We were
Terrified
Of the neighbors dog
And how he tore at our heels
If we weren’t fast enough
We were terrified of our older brothers
And how much our bodies didn’t belong to us

Both our fathers were too loud
And our mothers too meek
We
Were each other’s only escape....


There were red ones
That grew just out of the deer’s reach
Behind the best climbing tree
Littered with pots and pans as high as the eye could see
But the special ones
The yellow ones
Required some adventuring
We braved the feared boundaries by your neighbors where that Rottweiler could reach us
Just for something a little sweeter than what we had
But it was never as scary as going home
We would rather risk the snarling demon
Than go home and hear the screaming
Than go home and go to sleep
Only to wake up
And try to convince ourselves What happened in the night

Was a dream.