You ruin me
You suffocate me
You alienate me
You taunt me
You tempt me
You devastate me
You cheat me
You anger me
You educate me
You challenge me
You change me

Life,
You have made me

You left me,
As I sat in a puddle of my own tears.
Didn't even say a word.
As you walked out the door.
And you didn't even bat an eyelash.
When the room filled up with the salty water.
When I drowned.

Today-
Reminded me of the beautiful china
In my grandmother's house
Strong, shiny, beautiful
Worth a lot
But even the best observer
Couldn't see the chips in the glassware
The many times the china had been dropped
No one could actually tell that it was broken
But I could tell.
Because even though sometimes I looked
Strong, shiny, and beautiful,
I was broken as well.

There's always that one girl.
So used to dealing with horrors
That she's learned to smile through it
She never cries
She always listens
Everyone thinks she is a great friend
But one day she will die.

She will drown in the tears
Of the people she tried to help

No one will realize,
That the girl who had helped them
Broke piece by piece
Because although she listened to everyone,
No one ever listened
To her silent pleas

She never moved
She never lived
She never existed.

She could have had the world.

Scavenging for that once in a lifetime
Four leaf clover
Heads down
Eyes searching the earth
For one small piece of luck
That may never be found
These chins need to rise
People need to see the world
Stop looking for this luck
And realize how lucky they are
To be alive
To live in this beautiful world.

I always loved the rain.
It was dramatic.
It could give you relief on a hot day,
Or flood entire cities.

I'm listening to the rain outside now
And I remember-
How I used to compare my tears to the rain
Alone in my room
So no one could hear
It was a beautiful thing
That I blamed my sadness on
Instead of accepting depression.

I'm listening to the rain outside now
And all I can think-
Is how much I want to kiss you in it-
Like some cheesy romcom.
How nice it is to be held by someone,
Someone who loves you.
I've beaten depression for a while now,
And I have been appreciative of the rain.
But you,
You make me want to go dance in it.
Jump in some puddles.
Because I am very happy

I like to give people things
I'll buy them food
Or their movie ticket
Or I'll give them a ride somewhere
Free of charge.
I like to give people things
Because I know how the world is
How it takes too much

It took my father
It took my sanity
It took my patience
It took my hope
But it has not taken away my will
I always have a choice

I choose to give.
And I will give until I have nothing left
Because then,
At least it will be my choice.
And I will know that
The world cannot take away
Something I no longer have.

It's not the voices in the dark-
That scare me,
It's the voices inside my head-
That terrify me.
The shadows that prey upon
The walls of my home-
Are nothing compared to
The shadows that live among
The deepest recesses of my soul.
So no-
I'm not afraid of a haunted house,
Or a ghost.
I'm afraid of myself.
**And you should be too.

I am weak,
But I am strong.

I am silent,
But I can scream loud.

I am shattered
But I can rebuild

I am beaten
But I can fight back.

I am many things,
But don't underestimate me.

And in all my life
I thought about
How wonderful it would be
To be a bird
To fly gracefully above the world
Above all the seas
Traveling with many companions
All the world questioning my adventures
To die a beautiful short life
But a meaningful one,
Without my knowledge of time.

If I'm not numb-
Do I go back for more?

Dying was never difficult
Living is what keeps us anxious.
We keep ourselves in chains
Even if we are unaware of this *******.
Fighting wars-
Against societal constructs
When the real battle is within all of us.
We lie to protect
We crave attention,
But our guilty pleasure is our loneliness.
We like to hurt
Because secretly,
We like the way it feels-
When there's nothing but emptiness inside.

We're nothing but dust
We're nothing but a speck
In an expanding universe.
Our lives a tiny blip of history.
Dying is the only way we add to the universe
No one will remember how we lived.
We are humans.
The scariest thing in the world-
Is immortality.

Make the most of your tiny blip.

I reached for the bottle of whiskey
Because I didn't want to feel anything.
Then I reached for the bottle of *****
Because I wanted to feel something.
Then I reached for the bottle of wine
Because I wanted to relax in the midst of chaos.
Now I reach for nothing at all
Because I don't know what's real anymore.

I was the unbroken.
The challenge.
All the fates-
Tried to keep me down.
I always got up.
I would run-
Run away from the pain.
But this time,
It caught me,
And here I am
Trying to fight it,
But I know,
Deep inside,
I have already lost.
*I have been broken.

It was the summer of us.
Dumb decisions
We needed to learn from
Drunken nights
We barely remember
Life seemed simple
But the impending future
Glared at us with icy eyes
We tried to grasp every moment
Spend time with each other
Meaningless arguments
Deep discussions
Hidden loves
Because the fear of leaving
We knew no attraction would ever work
Some friends we have lost
We know the ending
We'll all lose touch eventually
What was the point behind all those years?
Fighting our way to the top
Only to be back on the bottom
The fear was deep within us
Make new friends
Make a new life
We were afraid to leave each other
Came to know each others tendencies
The most common phrase being
Let's make sure we keep in touch
We all know that's a lie.
Kisses behind barns
And parties in pastures
We know some will never leave this town
But we pretend to know our own futures
We all talk about out different paths
Our fears
Our hidden excitement
We really don't want to leave,
But we really really do.
Our goodbyes are coming
And we'll all cry when they do
But for now let's just pretend
We're all happy in our uncomplicated lives
Because we know our new lives begin
When we separate from each other
So let's be dumb
Stay up too late with some whiskey
Just talk about our fears
Because we are in the same boat
Live a little and have some flings
Let's make some bad decisions
Because this is our last summer
Before our lives begin,
And we want to remember it.

They ask me
Why I can't sleep.
Why?

Because I am a witch-
Wandering the night
Worshipping the moon and stars
Connecting with nature
And collecting my herbs.

It's easier it seems
To put on a mask
And hide my silent screams
Only a few have seen me without my mask
And eventually they stopped and asked,
Would you tell me your story?
It is easier in this place
Where no one knows of my face
Distorted throughout years of pain
This mask covers my past
I don't remember when I took it off last.
But here,
No one knows this is a mask
They think they see me.

I am not diagnosed with anxiety,
But I know it is there.
I do not take pills,
But perhaps I should.
When I sit here with my thoughts
I know I should be doing something.
I cannot disappoint people
I cannot fail.

I diagnose myself with anxiety,
And the anxiety is you.
Instead of pills,
I reach for the bottle of liquor.
When I sit here with my thoughts,
I know I should be doing what you want.
I cannot disappoint you
I cannot fail.

I followed you to the river
Because you promised to keep me afloat.
We stopped at the deepest point
And you let me go
And I was sinking
Sinking
And I was drowning
Drowning
The last thing I saw
Was your face looking at me
Through the ripples in the water.

I keep the deadbolt unlocked
Just in case you come home.

You don't.

You're asleep.
And here I am laying in the dark,
I wonder to the world
How I became so lucky.

I have someone that understands me.
A partner,
A best friend,
A lover.

Your long eyelashes shade your eyes,
And your light breathing
Tells me you are at peace.
You wrapped your leg around me.

You woke up for a second.
You realized you weren't holding me,
And you adjusted
So I could slide into your embrace.

And now you're asleep.
Unaware to the words I am now writing.
You have become everything to me.
You are the before and after.

I never thought I would be this girl,
But I'm as cheesy as the rest of them-
Those in love.
Those with hope.

A hunger for something
Anything
The child turns towards her mother
I'm hungry
A mother walks away from her child
You ate this morning
Because a piece of bread
At 8 am
Was supposed to be a reminder
Of what a great mother she was.
With only a baby doll and a box
The child continues playing
As her stomach slowly eats itself
While the mother goes out
To smoke the grocery money
And cry about her incarcerated love.

And again
We see why our world
Is killing itself.

I tried walking in the light
But I couldn't see.
The blinding light clouded my judgment
Everything shined
Everything was perfect.

I tried walking in the shadows
So that I could see.
In the darkness, my vision cleared
I could see dullness in others faces
The fake facade of all my favorite places
Everything was dark
Nothing is perfect.

My heart was a mountain
So glorious and mighty
Towering above the clouds
Majestic and beautiful-
At least
That's what it used to be.
The wind and the water
Came along one day
Began to weather and wear it down
Slowly my heart was diminishing
As it eroded
And traveled elsewhere.
No longer majestic
No longer mighty
My heart is now only a hill.

I found myself
Getting lost in your eyes
The same way
I've looked at the stars
Since I was 7

And every second
Feeling like a million years
Heavy with time
I sink deeper and deeper
While you raise me up

I found myself
In your eyes
Through your darkening gaze
This must be love-
This intoxicating feeling.

My heart brought happiness
Back to my life
And my mind
Made it go away

It's 12 am
And you're at my door
My chest says yes,
But my brain says, "no more."
You walk away confused
While I stand in the doorway
With my heart in my throat
And the pain coursing through my veins
I'm thinking, "My God, this is insane"
I whisper, "I'm sorry.
You deserve better than me.
You're too pure for this darkness*"
I hope one day you will see
Why I had to make you leave.

I guess I will never understand
Why it was so hard for me
To say hello to you.
The hello that would allow us
To open doors,
To figure each other out.
But now,
It is so easy
To say goodbye.
To close those doors,
To never want to see you again.
I guess I will never understand.

You're the book
I've read many times before.
The one with the protagonist
Who does all the wrong things
Who doesn't see the wrong things
Others are doing to them
Behind their backs.
All I can do is scream at them
Even though they will not hear me.
I become so frustrated,
Yet I continue to turn the page
To see what will happen next
Even though
I already know the ending to this book.

It was her smile
That could light up a room
But a single frown
That could shatter everyone near her
She wore the crown
Encrusted in jewels
And even then
We all shattered more than we shined.
A lonely life on the throne
Catches up
To even the greatest of rulers

It was her illness
But it was everyone else
Who suffered

I walk through these days
In a blur
I question reality.
Feeling timeless
Although I am a creature of time.

And sometimes-
I wish I were an animal
Because they truly live without worry.
And then they die
But death doesn't stop them from living.

And I want that.
I want to live without the thought of death.
I don't want to die in a hospital bed like those before me.
I want to rage against the dying of the light
As Thomas once said.

And I want to love
And love deeply
And together there will be no time,
Just us.
Just until we are no more.

Oh she had found the loveliest place
Where the sun shined
And the grass grew tall
People were friendly
She fit in well.
Oh she loved it
She loved it so.
But she couldn't connect
She made acquaintances
She never made friends
It didn't take long
For a place where
The sun shined
And the grass grew tall
Where people were friendly
Oh it didn't take long
It changed to a place
Where even the brightness of the moon
Couldn't brighten the shadows in her heart
Where the green grass grew
More than her happiness
Where all the friendly people
Couldn't even get her name.
Oh she couldn't care less
She couldn't care less.

But all the words she threw
To all the people she knew
Only got a reply one time
They might have well just said
*Goodbye

You grabbed the rule book
And ripped it in half
Then you blamed
The other players of the game
For your own misery

You never did like rules.
You created your own as you went
But when things didn't go your way,
It was the fault of others.
And now you're alone.

Cheaters never win the game.

The sun bore onto my back
As I walked the street alone.
It burned.
It really did.
But I needed it.
I had taken this walk away from happiness.
And I was beginning to die inside,
But the burning on my skin,
Kept me feeling alive.

When I was little,
A year seemed like infinity.
I had time to run around
And do what I wanted.
But now,
I am older.
And a year from now,
I will face new challenges.
But I'm not ready.
The time is going by too fast.
And I just can't seem
To run fast enough.

We whispered into the dark
Stories of life
Because we didn't think-
Anyone would hear us.
But somehow our lost voices
Found each other in the darkness,
Embraced.

For once we didn't hear an echo
Of our pasts.

For once,
We could look towards the future.

Fallen from grace
An angel wakes up in a field
Questioning its origin
Who am I?
She finds the road
And meets some nice people
Who weren't so very nice.
Battered and bruised
On the side of the road
She decides who she wants to be.

**I will be the STRONG
I will never again be weak.
Although I cannot remember my past,
My future will be great.
If anyone shall try to beat me,
I shall **** them where they stand.
Because I am no longer filled with light,
In this dark, decrepit land.

I'm not going to let this happen.
You will not ruin this day for me.

There are people out there that actually care,
And I don't care if you aren't one of them.
Not anymore.

I wish...
That I could find happiness
That someone will see me for who I am
That you will see what you've lost.
You've lost me.

We should all look to the stars for advice
They know how to live.
Been sitting in the sky for so long
Shining for the world
Eventually dying in a beautiful explosion
That we on earth cannot comprehend
When a star dies,
It is never the end
A beautiful dwarf star can take its place
Beauty is neverending in space
So maybe we should take note-

Shine bright
Inspire others
Die beautifully

It really was always that simple.
Be happy.

There is a shadow looming over me.
In fact there are many shadows
That I have chosen to bear.
They vary in size and shape
And none of them are mine.
They weigh me down
Make my life seem heavier
I do not know why
I have chosen
To accept this darkness

The metal chains clanking loudly
From her cage-
Where she has been imprisoned
In the darkness
All these years

She is trying to break free.

Do you feel what I feel?

When you touch me,
Do you hear my sharp intake of breath
The way I shudder beneath your fingertips

When you're not looking,
Do you feel my eyes on you
The look of adoration and admiration

When you talk to me,
Do you notice how I catch every word
Your conversation never bores me

When you kiss me,
Do you feel me gravitate towards you
As if there was distance between us

When we're together,
Do you know I love you?
I love you.

Do you know what I know?
You’re a wonderful human being
Angry, but with a heart full of love.
Mutual hearts together
Giving and giving
The gift of your love neverending

And who am I?
I’m the lucky girl.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I can't be the person
You need me to be.
I tried so hard for you,
But now I know for sure
There's only one person I know how to be
And that person is **me

You started the spark
In my heart
But you never thought
It was a good idea
To put out the fire
So here I am
Left with no heart
Because you let it burn
Until there was nothing left

How long have I been
Nothing but a shadow
In my own life?
Dwelling in the darkest of places
With little light.
The old me tries to chase shadow me down.
But it means nothing.
I am stuck in a world
That even I do not understand anymore
It is a world filled with shadows.
But I can do nothing,
Until
I find myself again
In the light.

You told me not to go back
Alas I did not listen.
Into the past I went
Both fears and bad memories
Staring at me in the face.
Things I'd wish I'd never seen
Heard-
Or felt.
They want me to stay.

Forbidden to leave
And lost in the past
I should have listened to you
I shouldn't have gone back.

I poured my heart out
With a pen and paper
Until there was nothing left
An empty shell holding a journal.

I used to be happy.
I used to know what it was like
To feel joy course through my body.
We all did,
At one time.

Then there's the loss
And none of us are ever the same.
Pretenders, I'd call us.
We can fool the lucky few who don't know the darkness.
The oblivious-
They do not know what the world is.

The world is a beautiful, devastating mess
It takes, but it doesn't give
Mounds of dirt viciously colliding and collapsing
To make canyons and mountains.
And yet, some people only see the beauty
Not the destruction

You cannot see the destruction
Without having been destroyed
And to be destroyed,
Is to be lost forever.

*And we just keep on pretending

And the tower I built
Standing strong for many years
Went tumbling down
And I was falling
I was falling

Hit the ground broken and ******
I don't know how
To put myself back together
Pieces of my life strewn everywhere
Where do I begin?
*How do I rebuild my tower?

Sadness was only a muse
And now it has gone away

Anger came in second
And it no longer has use

I'm left without muses
In my new happy, little world

Nothing to write about
No hurt, no pain

I thought I'd be happy
To see happiness again

And that is the conundrum,
My friends.

A poet thrives on it,
The sadness, the anger.

They love writing about the hurt and the pain
What do they do when it has left?

I've lost that sense of feeling-
Of home.
Was told it was never a place,
But the people.
But something inside me brings me back
To the place that brought me pain and suffering
And it's almost funny
Because under all that pain,
I know I was happy for part of it.
I must leave this place behind for me to move on
It has almost become foreign to me
But I still feel the war when I stay inside
Darkness vs. Light
At least I knew then who I was fighting

Without a home,
What or who am I fighting now?