I saw the butterfly,
Fluttering in the wind.
I wanted to know its story,
So I followed nature's gift.

I knew it intended for me to follow,
And I did.
Into the sun's bright rays, I did.
It went almost no where, that spirit.

But then I knew it.
It was my butterfly.
My angel.
There to make my day better,
And it did.

The walls have never been taller,
But we are at war
Are you friend or foe?
Are you something more?
I only ask because-

The way your eyes shine
When you talk to me,
Fills me with a happiness I've never felt-
A sense of fullness-
A feast of butterflies.

The goofy smile you make
After you make a dumb joke,
Causes me to smile even harder-
But the laughter truly ensues,
When you laugh at my dumb jokes.

The ruffled hair look you have
When you've been working,
Makes me notice you even more.
A goofy smile on a good-looking guy
Another feast of butterflies.

So, tell me,
Are you friend or foe?
Because these tall walls
Are slowly coming down

This one's for you.
My free spirit up in the sky,
I know you are watching me.
My toes in the sand
My eyes on the crashing waves
Beer in my hand
As the jazz blares in the background.

So this one's for you
Because I know that if you could be,
You'd be here too.

Tonight I am 26
At a concert
Standing so close to the girl in front of me
I can smell her perfume
And coconut shampoo-
I am swaying with the crowd
And the person next to me
Has an expression of pure joy across her face
Vibrant lights race across the room
Revealing hundreds of people
Who are feeling what I am feeling.
We throw our hands in the air
And allow ourselves to escape reality
For just one night.

Tonight-
I am alive.
We are alive.

I'm locked in my own prison.
Stay away.
I cause myself and everyone else so much pain.
Habits need breaking,
Emotions I've been faking.
You will never really know it's me.
Because my body has me trapped.
And I will never be free.

How scary it is-
To realize
None of this is truly mine.
Not these things,
Not this life.

Time is my master,
She owns it all.
I cannot keep any of it.

Losing something you love,
Or someone, rather,
Gives you many emotions.
At first you are sad,
For no longer having,
Then you get angry,
Because your love was taken.
Later, depression sometimes sets in,
Because you have been without.
It may seem these emotions
Will never end,
But, it does.
It may take days, weeks, or years
When you begin to feel nothing.
Empty.
And you realize,
A part of your soul
Had been lost too.

I remember the feeling.
Like I was getting rid
Of every foul thing inside me.
I would feel so-
Empty.
But at the time
It was better than feeling everything.
And sometimes I would just lay there
And I would cry.
I was so ashamed
Of my bathroom coping mechanisms.
Brush my teeth
So the acid wouldn't make them yellow.
Appearances seemed to be important.
Had to be thin,
Had to be empty.

I didn't realize then
That I was wasting away
That there was another way
To purge my feelings.
But I know now.
I know now.

You saved me.

They are blind
They only look with their eyes,
But they do not see.
They can't witness-
The beauty of something,
Without a picture

They are deaf
They only hear with their ears,
But they do not listen.
They hear their cellphone ring
But never do they listen-
To the beautiful songs of birds

They choose to be disabled
What they think is important is not
They refuse to observe the world-
It's beauty and all its greatness.
They choose to die without knowledge.
They choose a life without living.

You are etched on my bones
Ingrained in my soul
Locked in my mind
Still residing in my heart-
I cannot wash you
From my skin.

When will I be free of you?
Do I want to be?

All these lost memories
Gathering dust.
Important things.
Forgotten.

So easily thrown into piles.
What used to be you.
Is long gone.
What happened?

The memorable pictures.
The ones you just can't throw away.
Lie in the back of the drawer.
Until it is time to clean again.

Maybe it will be easier next time.
Throw away these memories.
But deep down I know.
I never will.

I didn't know who I was
Until I was gone.
Wasted.
Intoxicated.
High.
That's when I found myself.
Outside of the realm of worries.
I sat there,
And I contemplated
And I realized,
I was happy
Even through all the sadness.

Sometimes-
I feel too much.

Sometimes-
I feel nothing at all.

She downplays my emotions
I may be sad,
But she's depressed.
I may be stressed,
But she's been running around all day.
I had a long day,
But hers was even longer.

I am unhappy,
But my emotions aren't as important
As hers.

Your sorrow is my sorrow
Why is it so difficult to love another?
I've seen more hurt in love than love
A relaxing day-
Turned into world war three
I just want to drink my wine
And maybe live my life
But your problems come first.
And you wonder why,
It is so hard for me
To love another human.

I've seen the pain of love.
I do not want that yet.

All those friendly people
The smiling people in your life

The ones who hold you
When you need it.

The ones who listen
In your silence.

The ones who understand
Your outbursts of anger

The ones who realize the meaning
Of your absence.

These are the people
You need in your life.

But don't forget,
Give it all back.
Be the same person they were to you
Remember,
Behind every great person
There is a great shadow.
This shadow grows every moment.
Give back,
Give sunlight to their lives
As they have done for you.

You were the one
That taught me to
Love myself.

You were also the one
Who made me feel
Like I wasn't enough.

I did not expect-
To mourn you.

It feels like you died.
Maybe you did.

How could I have
Been so blind?
To not see the explosion
Happen before my eyes?
It all happened so fast.
Didn't hear the bang,
Didn't even see the light.
Didn't even know it happened,
Until my skin got tight.
And I got burnt.

In the search of something more-
Several doors I closed
Only to be left
Locked in a room on my own accord
All entrances blocked
Telling myself I will escape one day
Except I do not accept reality-
Destined to be isolated from the world.

Sometimes-

I wish I had never
Known romantic love.
I have been chasing a high
No substance can fulfill
Ever since.

I cannot tell if
I am being brave
Or if I'm a coward
By choosing to stay.

How long before
Even the strongest soldier falls
In this war-
How long?

Maybe one day
I won't
Go back for more.

Sometimes when I feel sad
I go outside-
And I look at the stars.
I can always trust in them,
For they will always be there
Day and night.
The billions of diamonds in the sky.
As I lie on the ground and hear what they have to say,
They tell me beautiful and heroic stories,
And sometimes if I listen to them long enough,
I forget why I'm sad,
And tell myself to be brave
Like the stars.

Yes, I believe you.
I always believe your stories.
You would never lie to me.
You always tell the truth.
I trust you with my life.

Wait, what is this?
What are they saying?
I don't understand.
You are a liar?
What is that pain I feel?
Why have you stabbed me in the back?
Friend?
...Friend?

Time has lapsed
Things aren't any different from before
But I am.
Do you want to see me now
Now that I'm not with the new
Because now I tell the truth?

*I'm not the same
But you play the same game
This world is unchanged
I hear different music now
Even though the same song still plays
I can't even count how many days
Things have been this way
How long have I been different?

They say there's stages of grief
But I don't remember-
Making it through those
When did looking at your picture-
Become unfamiliar?
Who is that man?
What is the sound of his voice?
How much did he love me?
What was he hiding?
I don't remember going through
The stages of grief.
But apparently,
It made me forget you

Maybe coping is overrated.

I looked at the world around me,
I could see the future clearly,
So perfectly laid out.
I would be successful,
I wouldn't be alone.

I knew I had to jump,
Had to fall.
So I picked the deepest ocean I could find,
And I dove in
Thinking it would be easy to swim back up.

When I hit the rock bottom,
The last thing I saw-
Millions of people just like me,
Drowning and clawing towards the sky
For just one more feeling of life.

And even though we were together,
I had never felt more alone.

Looking for a way.
To see the day
When everyone finds
The mask to your disguise
The day of your freedom-
The release of your demons.

I am an addict
I smoke, I drink, I gorge on food
The things the doctors tell you not to do
I like when my mind floats in nothingness
I am finally myself

How much more
How much more-
Does it take
For me to feel something
In this nothing

Warm and sunny am I
As I stay happy
The sky stays beautiful
As I lay down for a nap.

Quite suddenly, things change.
The happiness is gone.
The dark clouds roll in.
The storm consumes me.

Oh, how quickly times change.
Sunny and bright.
To dark and dull.
As the times change, so do I.

Be very careful
With your flaws.
They can be something
To love about yourself
Or they can be something
People hate you for.
Your destruction.
Be very careful.

A simple book I have chosen
My world has changed
Summer becomes winter-
I become someone else,
I live a new life.

This is my safe haven
This new world.
I stay for as long as I can-
Before returning to reality.
But I do not wish to return.

My book is now over.
What am I to do?
Reality does not call my name.
Perhaps I do not belong in reality.
Perhaps I need a new story.

You would never know
By my silence
And my smile.
That I hate myself
And I hate everyone else, too.

You would never know
By the way he drinks his alcohol
Every night,
That he wakes up early every morning,
To water his daughter's memorial flowers.

You would never know
By the way she laughs at others
That she is afraid.
That one day,
She will receive the laughter.

You would never know
By the exposing clothing she wears
That when she was younger
Her stepfather
Taught her a lesson.

You would never know
By the way he bullies others
That when he goes home
His father,
Bullies him.

You would never know
Just by looking at us,
That we are all messed up.

But,
What if we have it all wrong?
What if reality,
Isn't what we think?
What if our dreams were reality?
A world where we can fly,
Lounge above the clouds
Have super powers,
Fall in love with no complication,
Always beat the bad guy.
Why do we always-
Have to accept that we are stuck,
In such a horrible world
When we have the power to go other places?
Why can't sometimes,
We just dream?

There was me-
The girl who listened
And watched,
The girl who never did,
But never told.
The box of secrets
I held inside
Bursting at the latch
Never tell what's not mine to tell
But never admit to my own endeavors
I am the girl who has seen it all
In my short life
Without saying a word
Without anything to prove
Without trying to be
Like everyone else.

I broke my own heart
Trying to be enough for you
And always falling short.

Maybe I've lost myself
I'm still stuck in your brain
Since the last time you saw me
I need you to give me back

Maybe you've lost yourself
You're still stuck in my brain
Since the last time I saw you
I don't want to give you back

Maybe we've lost each other forever
Left with only a piece of you
And a piece of me
Lost in the darkness of each others hearts
We had tried to enlighten.
The last time we saw each other
Only a glance,
Only a whisper.
*Goodbye

He said,
"It's not you, it's me."
And I agreed.

I am who I am
I live how I do.
Because the one moment in my life
That changed me.
There was a before and an after.

Before;
I was her.

After;
I have become this.

Before, you knew me.
But this is who I have become.
Try to understand.

This is the end of the childhood road
Wish I could turn around
But they say I can't
Why would I want to anyways?
*** holes and collapsed bridges-
Behind me.
Ahead of me-
A freshly paved road.
I want to go back though
Fill up those *** holes
Rebuild the collapsed bridges-
But it's too late.
It's already too late.
Why do I dread this road ahead?

I see you everywhere.
I see you in the sky-
As a big plump, curious cloud.
I see you in the ocean-
Along with the dolphins and the sunset.
I see you in the mountains-
Because you loved them so much.
I see you in the night sky-
For you are now one of the stars.
I see you in the meadow-
Because the flowers remind me of your colorful eyes.
But most importantly,
I see you in myself-
And I would not care to be anyone else.

You won't understand it
Until it happens to you.
The day when your stomach drops.
It's the day your eyes become a void.
You want to cry but you can't.
When everything becomes clear.
And it's okay
To hate the world.
To want to die.
To hate all the people you once loved.
It's okay.
You'll get through it.
I promise.
But I can also promise this.
You will never be the same again.

I made it
I lost loves
But I made it
I lost my friends
But I made it
I lost my old life
But I made it
I lost my social abilities
But I made it
How does one make friends
When they make it
To college?

I looked in the magazines
And saw beauty.
So I changed myself
So the world would think I'm pretty
Because I thought everyone found me ugly.

But then I looked in the mirror
And I realized
It was me
Who didn't think I was beautiful
It was me
Who needed to accept myself.

In all my life
The suns rays
Never broke through
The thundering storm clouds

I'm the drop of water that doesn't quite make it off the leaf.
The shadows the sun's rays don't reach.

I'm a puddle in the rain that no one wants to play in.
The stain that never goes away.

I'm the grave with no flowers on it,
The reason your life is in disarray.

I'm the lightning that starts a fire,
The nail in your blown-out tire.

I'm the dark circles under tired eyes,
The sogginess to your fries.

I am all of these terrible things,
But you are the worst-
You are the reason why I cry.