The way a candle dies amazes me
A strong tier of wax
Simple
With only a string within it
Dies slowly
As it gives off light
Melting wax
Drips and drips
Until all that's left is a puddle
It amazes me how
Something that gave off so much light
In times of darkness
Ended up finding itself
Sitting in the same darkness
It had tried so hard to enlighten.

Do you see him
Haunting silently in the dark.
Of course not.
He is well hidden
He only hides,
Because he fears
Everything around he hears.
He knows what he is.
He cannot show himself to the world.
It is too dangerous.
But
He will never be free
Until he just lets go.

Here I go again
To this place
I cannot escape
It is my own personal prison-
I am the one who made
This inescapable cage.
The steel bars,
The prison guards-
All my creation.
My own personal Alcatraz.

I stumbled,
And I fell down a dark hole.
I ended up with plenty of bruises,
As I hit the jagged edges on the walls.
I fell for a very long time.
But,
I finally hit the bottom.
It was the worst pain-
I had ever experienced.
But all that mattered-
Was that I was alive.

And she wrote
About the way the sky looked
At the end of the day
About the way the stars danced
When she looked at them through her telescope
About the poem she read
That made her cry
About the ocean
As it found its way to the shore
About the storm she witnessed
As it angrily shot out lightning
All beautiful things
All beautiful things

But most importantly,
She wrote about you.
About your kind eyes
And your soft smile
And the way you could talk to her
And the way you laughed
The way you would look at her
Like no one else did
You understood
All beautiful things
All beautiful things

All the words he never said
Were written in the stars
Look at me,
They seemed to say.
I'm still here
Let me guide you through the night

All the nights we used to spend
Outside the garage.
His favorite constellations embedded in my mind.
Orion the Hunter.
It would never get old.
I was an image of my father,
And together we could stare at the stars all night long.

So people always ask me
Why I am fascinated with the stars
Why at nights I look up at the sky and smile
And I tell them,
He used to admire the stars as I do,
But now,
He is up there.
He is guiding me throughout this life.
My dad is my favorite constellation.

There is a shadow looming over me.
In fact there are many shadows
That I have chosen to bear.
They vary in size and shape
And none of them are mine.
They weigh me down
Make my life seem heavier
I do not know why
I have chosen
To accept this darkness

I lose
Bits and pieces
Of myself
Every night.

I only realize
Now-
When so much
Is already gone.

She said,
I want to die
Just let me die.
And I felt her words
Throughout the entirety of my soul
Because I knew
I knew.

We sat there stroking her back
He and I.
As she kept saying
I want to die
I looked up at him
And I saw it in his eyes
And he saw it in mine
Because he knew.
He knew.

Three broken people
Sitting at a party together.
Her sober thoughts coming out
As drunk words.
I heard it in her voice,
He saw it in my eyes,
I saw it in his eyes,
And for one second,
None of us were alone
Together we shared the pain.
Because we knew.
We knew.

I am not diagnosed with anxiety,
But I know it is there.
I do not take pills,
But perhaps I should.
When I sit here with my thoughts
I know I should be doing something.
I cannot disappoint people
I cannot fail.

I diagnose myself with anxiety,
And the anxiety is you.
Instead of pills,
I reach for the bottle of liquor.
When I sit here with my thoughts,
I know I should be doing what you want.
I cannot disappoint you
I cannot fail.

Sitting in the dark
For how long?
I have no idea.
I have a plan.
Maybe if I sit here long enough
I can make time stretch out longer
I don't want another day to end
A kind of day that was meaningless
A routine
Being alive,
But not being "alive"
Been having those a lot.
Plaster a smile
Fake a laugh
Go home to be alone
Because alone is the best thing for me
Or so I think.

Maybe if I sit here long enough
I can make time stretch out longer
Maybe,
Just maybe,
Something might walk into my life tonight
And give my day meaning.

You're asleep.
And here I am laying in the dark,
I wonder to the world
How I became so lucky.

I have someone that understands me.
A partner,
A best friend,
A lover.

Your long eyelashes shade your eyes,
And your light breathing
Tells me you are at peace.
You wrapped your leg around me.

You woke up for a second.
You realized you weren't holding me,
And you adjusted
So I could slide into your embrace.

And now you're asleep.
Unaware to the words I am now writing.
You have become everything to me.
You are the before and after.

I never thought I would be this girl,
But I'm as cheesy as the rest of them-
Those in love.
Those with hope.

It only takes one second
For me to become attached
And it only takes one second
For us to come apart.

Ripped at the seams,
This attachment.
Something that started so small,
Ended so devastatingly.

How is it that you don't think I know?
Acting completely different,
This isn't you.
The more you do this,
The more you get under my skin.
It makes me angry.
You are only looking for attention.
I have only one thing to say.
Be careful,
My friend,
For you will eventually find
The attention you were looking for.
And it will be different than you thought.

They ask me
Why I can't sleep.
Why?

Because I am a witch-
Wandering the night
Worshipping the moon and stars
Connecting with nature
And collecting my herbs.

How easy it would be,
To cry myself to sleep
After a bad day.
But I won't.
Even when I'm all alone.
I tell myself I'm too strong to cry.
But the truth is,
I'm saving these bad day tears
For a special moment.
The day the dam will burst.
The worst day of my life.
The day I lose you.
And it has not come yet.

She trained for years
Mending mistakes
Accepting the mind of a fighter
Archiving past learned lessons.
Her body bearing the scars
From all the times she had fallen.
So much failure turned into strength,
So much success turned into pride.
And one final battle loomed in the distant future.
She was thoroughly prepared
Been ready for this day since she was 10
She was ready to fight.
She was ready to win.
But once the battle began,
She got hit and turned to dust.
Just like that.
Over in an instant.
Years and years of training.
Gone.

Losing something you love,
Or someone, rather,
Gives you many emotions.
At first you are sad,
For no longer having,
Then you get angry,
Because your love was taken.
Later, depression sometimes sets in,
Because you have been without.
It may seem these emotions
Will never end,
But, it does.
It may take days, weeks, or years
When you begin to feel nothing.
Empty.
And you realize,
A part of your soul
Had been lost too.

I am who I am
I live how I do.
Because the one moment in my life
That changed me.
There was a before and an after.

Before;
I was her.

After;
I have become this.

Before, you knew me.
But this is who I have become.
Try to understand.

I wish to go back to the day-
When we first met.
It was the day I let my guard down,
And I let you into my mind.
That was my first mistake.
One I will never make again.
Trust nobody,
I should've thought
To let me know to turn around.

Because maybe then,
I thought you were a friend.
But you were just the beginning to an end.

And when I said,
"Beware of those who pretend",
It was a warning,
Because you should never-
Trust someone who tells you that,
Because they know
How to pretend
All too well.

The surprise
As the cake comes toward me.
The amazement
As I gaze at the number.
Sixteen. Sixteen candles.

The embarrassment
As people surround me and sing.
The disappointment
When I make the very same wish
That never comes true.

The wonder
As my mother stares at me
The sadness
As I know I feel
Without my father here.

I did not expect-
To mourn you.

It feels like you died.
Maybe you did.

Always put a smile on my face
Under every circumstance
These wonderful children
I've been blessed to be around
So much they've taught me
Mostly, love does not always need words.

She used the fall and winter
To **** off
Any unnecessary leaves
So that when spring came,
She could bloom again.

I reached for the bottle of whiskey
Because I didn't want to feel anything.
Then I reached for the bottle of *****
Because I wanted to feel something.
Then I reached for the bottle of wine
Because I wanted to relax in the midst of chaos.
Now I reach for nothing at all
Because I don't know what's real anymore.

Tread lightly on this path
Walked a long road from depression
To almost happiness.
Why?
Why must you come and ruin it
You've thrown boulders
Into my path
You've made me turn around
Heading back to the dark place.

The metal chains clanking loudly
From her cage-
Where she has been imprisoned
In the darkness
All these years

She is trying to break free.

I was the unbroken.
The challenge.
All the fates-
Tried to keep me down.
I always got up.
I would run-
Run away from the pain.
But this time,
It caught me,
And here I am
Trying to fight it,
But I know,
Deep inside,
I have already lost.
*I have been broken.

Today-
Reminded me of the beautiful china
In my grandmother's house
Strong, shiny, beautiful
Worth a lot
But even the best observer
Couldn't see the chips in the glassware
The many times the china had been dropped
No one could actually tell that it was broken
But I could tell.
Because even though sometimes I looked
Strong, shiny, and beautiful,
I was broken as well.

The sun bore onto my back
As I walked the street alone.
It burned.
It really did.
But I needed it.
I had taken this walk away from happiness.
And I was beginning to die inside,
But the burning on my skin,
Kept me feeling alive.

I guess I never noticed
The loneliness in her eyes
A burning blue fire
That burned her insides
Is there anything to save her?
Maybe,
But it's up to her to decide.
Does she want to live,
Or does she want to die?

I saw the butterfly,
Fluttering in the wind.
I wanted to know its story,
So I followed nature's gift.

I knew it intended for me to follow,
And I did.
Into the sun's bright rays, I did.
It went almost no where, that spirit.

But then I knew it.
It was my butterfly.
My angel.
There to make my day better,
And it did.

Tell me-
What happens when you cage a wild animal?
Does it forget what it is meant to be?

Does it forget to hunt,
And gather food,
And search for its prey?

Does it forget that it is no longer free,
That it can no longer reach-
Past the glass enclosure?

Does it forget its instincts,
Its defense mechanisms,
How it protects itself?

Does it forget the family it once had,
Its home,
Where safety came easily?

Tell me-
What happens when you cage a living being?
It forgets what it is meant to be.

I JUST WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE
She screamed out,
No one in the void seemed to hear her.
I MISS YOU
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
Oh, but she knew
She knew.
There was someone out there listening.
But they didn't think the screams were important.
They didn't see her screams as what they were-
A cry for help.
CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?
PLEASE ANSWER*
Please...*
The shouts turned to whispers
The whispers turned to sobs.
Then,
Silence.

I feel it in my bones.
I need it.
I want it.
But I know I can't.

The urge is so great.
Will I falter?
I know I must stop.
But it seems to make me feel better.

The thought of it
Tapping against my thick skull
I must not falter.
But I always do.

They are blind
They only look with their eyes,
But they do not see.
They can't witness-
The beauty of something,
Without a picture

They are deaf
They only hear with their ears,
But they do not listen.
They hear their cellphone ring
But never do they listen-
To the beautiful songs of birds

They choose to be disabled
What they think is important is not
They refuse to observe the world-
It's beauty and all its greatness.
They choose to die without knowledge.
They choose a life without living.

Welcome to my island.
It is my home-
Where I've separated myself
From those I've known.

Be careful not to drown in the waters,
Or get eaten by the sharks-
Better to stay close to the shore,
Like I've done to protect my heart.

You can build me a boat,
But I cannot promise I'll leave-
I've lived here too long,
Lost out here in the sea.

Everything is falling apart.
The roof is caving in,
The flooding waters from above
Weighing it down.
My strength is no more
There is no way
I can keep the roof from crashing
Down on me.

Will today be the day?
When I try to be better,
Do better?
When I become who I always was
The person I am supposed to be,
And not an empty shell?

I can remember,
How good it felt-
To be the old me.
How I wish I could go back,
Will today be the day?
The day I change?

All these lost memories
Gathering dust.
Important things.
Forgotten.

So easily thrown into piles.
What used to be you.
Is long gone.
What happened?

The memorable pictures.
The ones you just can't throw away.
Lie in the back of the drawer.
Until it is time to clean again.

Maybe it will be easier next time.
Throw away these memories.
But deep down I know.
I never will.

I scrubbed
And I disinfected
Leaving no stains
On me
On my past

The best nights of my life
Have been on cold, bleak nights-
My breath a cloud of smoke
And my face numb.
The nights when the stars and moon
Would look down upon me
As I laughed and danced for them.
I could never feel my body,
But my soul was alive.
On those nights,
I never felt alone-
Wrapped around a lover
Or laughing with a friend.
The sounds of silence never unnerving-
Because how could it truly be silent
When the stars wove such beautiful tales?

College is like being a bird
You jump out of the nest
You have two choices
You either fly
Or you die.

Why Mom?
Why do you compare me?
To the other children,
To my sibling?

Don't you understand, Mom?
I don't want to be them.
I am me.
I will always be me.

You will never understand, Mom.
You won't take the time to understand.
You won't know me.
I am who I need to be.

These feelings engulf me,
But yet I feel nothing
I pretend I'm okay,
But I just want to explode.

I need to know-
Am I crazy?
Different?
I'm a "good" kid

If only they knew-
These thoughts I've had.
Barely hanging on
Losing the grip on reality.

I keep the deadbolt unlocked
Just in case you come home.

You don't.

They tell me not to define myself by
My height
My weight
My skin color
The color of my eyes
The state of my clothing
The money in my pockets

But how am I supposed to love
Everything on my insides
When everyone else defines me
By what they see?

Depression is like
Being on a sinking ship.
You see another boat
Out on the horizon,
But you are not sure
It will make it in time
To save you.