Three years ago today, the moment he walked through the door, it wasn't deja vu, it was a memory of a fantasy I played out in my mind hundreds of times as a little girl, as a teenager, as a woman, finally catching up in real time - a fantasy of a man I would meet someday who would be all I could ever desire in a lover, friend, and husband.

Three years ago today, the moment he walked through the door, standing 6' 14", I recognized him immediately as the nameless, faceless man I imagined for years and I finally felt alive! authentic! electric!

Three years ago today, the moment he walked through the door, I fell irrevocably in love and I never want to put myself back together again.

Like a sinful seduction, I slip off the edge of sleep,
my eyes are drawn to the darkest shadows of my room... kinetically searching...
I seem to penetrate them, my mind breathes life into them,
they begin to stir and morph into the preludes to my peculiar dreams,
bizarre at first until inevitably familiar,
as if I had lived them indefinite times in the past... and infinite times in the future... remembering... becoming... unfiltered and unaffected...
my subconscious is my truth, awakened by my dreams.
I long to remain lost in this ethereal bliss.

Every day, I am convinced I couldn't be any more in love with him, but I will be...
Next week, tomorrow, even minutes from now.
I used to feel as if love was contained solely within my heart, but not with him;
With him, I am BECOMING love...
with my entire being.

He is my ambitious sunrise
He is my blazing setting sun
He is the seduction of cobalt twilight
He is temperance undone

He is my luminous moon
His celestial eyes, the only stars within my sky
He is my world
He is my love
He is my why

There he is...standing in my doorway...
towering...smiling...glistening with confidence.
Is he real? Am I awake?
I have fallen so hard and so deep.
I no longer care where I am or who I am,
as long as he is mine.

voice in whispered tone
like breathy saxophone
I hold a longing moan
within

fingers through my strands
ruin all my plans
the way your calloused hands
grip skin

lips that taste like truth
of gin and dry vermouth
pierced by sinking tooth
and sin

I memorize your face
as I fade from this place
forgetting all that time and space
has been

I am completely fascinated by humans:
their behavior
their emotions
their desires
their needs
or at least what they believe to be their needs

So fragile and vulnerable
filled with doubt
weighed down by insecurities
finding joy in the unexpected
always surprised by their own accomplishments
struggling with experiences they thought would be easier
but miraculously solving problems
finding ways to get by
making it through another day

My nights are often filled with lucid dreams
where the whole of humanity is contained within a zoo
They are the rare and exotic creatures I came to admire
...but I feel like a human impostor
A sense of paranoia begins to seep in
like the ominous heaviness you feel before a dream becomes a nightmare
I feel as if they've always known I am not one of them
They've known since the day I was born
They've just been playing along
until someday when my suspicions of self will be confirmed

Maybe that's what death is - the big reveal
Maybe this is how every human feels
Maybe I am human after all
I hope I am

fearless tires kissing wet pavement
jokes exchanged between laughing dogs
street lights whispering secrets to severed sidewalks
applauding leaves appreciating the evening's entertainment

He's a thundercrash thorncake
Can crush you with a handshake
Juicy as a rare steak
Feeds my dreams

Owns a chartreuse shotgun
Is taller than the noon sun
Has me coming undone
Licks my pain

He's a cyanide thrill ride
A rollercoaster landside
Likes it by the bedside
Fills my ache

I am his and he's mine
Like succotash and sunshine
Exploding like a landmine
Save our souls!

Damaged goods
Hopelessly lost
My existence fading
Too tired to fight
Nothing left to cherish
Complete surrender

Hoping to suffocate my hardened heart
I locked it away in a padded box
Intentionally misplacing the key

Then you appeared...
Familiar stranger
Remembered soul
Such a perfect contradiction
Strong and gentle
Warm and cool
A serious man and a playful child

Rescued by your words
Saved by your compassion
You have awakened my emotions
From their deepest sleep

I breathe for you…I wait for you

You're all bark and no bite
How could something wrong feel so right
Wish we could've had just one night
But it wasn't in the cards

I'm alone here while you need space
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
It's the closest thing to any embrace
That I'll ever feel

Whether mountain or molehill
Tears are falling in my milk spill
I swallow down another hard pill
From my half empty glass

Vicarious atonement
Another happiness postponement
Damaged heart and stolen moments
Back to square one