I’ve written
Countless words
To you
Attempting to relate
The extent of my feelings
For you
Only to throw them
All away,
Inadequate
Lacking
Empty.

Those words couldn’t
Make you feel
The way my heart races
When I hear
Your voice
Or the ache at the
Back of my throat
And the salty sting
Of tears
Overflowing
When you tell me
You’re in pain

Those words couldn’t
Make you see
All the times
I’ve laid awake at night
Hoping that maybe
You would call
Or all the days
That I’ve spent
Staring through windows
Wondering how I could
Make you happy
When your days turn gray.

Those words couldn’t
Bring you
Any closer to me,
Though I desperately
Wish that they would
And they
Could never, ever
Tell you how
I love you
The way that I could
Show you.

I want to say,

I don’t care–
I don’t care if
You feel nothing
For me

But I do,
And it tears
My heart
In two.

I will not fall
                     down
                             down
                                    down
                                           Into that deep, impounding darkness.
                                 That sinking, violent pain that once consumed me.
                                             I am no longer a shadow of myself,
                                        A broken, sallow creature, lingering alone
                                    In the ashen wasteland of its everlasting night.
                                                          ­     I am not weak,
                                                           ­  I am not broken,
                                                         I am not insignificant.
                                                  ­        I am infinite in Him.

In losing you
I left behind
A love
That was never
Returned
And a heart
That wasn't mine,
Yet gained
A lesson learned.

In leaving me
You lost
A love
That was
Invariably yours,
And obtained at parting,
In my wake,
The pieces of my heart
You once promised
Not to break.

You were
My excuse
To stay awake
So late,
3AM and
Losing sleep
But still
I would wait

Now you're gone
At the feeble
Faded light
Of dawn,
And I can no longer
Justify
The shadows
Underneath
My eyes.

You are like
Smoke between
My fingers,
Like drops of
Liquid gold,
A love that my mind
Knows so well
But my hands
Can never hold.

The colors start to fade
Just as quickly as they came
And the light that lit my eyes
Is dimmed with dark shadows.
I'm holding on so tightly
To this fragile orb of hope
But I can feel it begin to crack
Beneath my fingers,
Growing smaller with each
Grain of sand
That falls in the hourglass.

This lethargy I feel
Breeds sadness in
My soul
And with nothing
To distract me
From the shadows
Creeping in,
I am smothered
By the weight
Of their increasing
Gloom,
Sifting through
These restless hours
In the silence
Of my room.

Tiny, shredded
Paper hearts
And flimsy
Cardboard
Feelings
Bitter aftertastes
On tongues,
Licked wounds
That are not
Healing.

Souls
Like quiet,
Vacant rooms
And minds
Screaming in
Silence
Aching chests
That long for love
Stranded on
Lonely islands.

Can you see beneath this smile i wear?
Look past these cheerful eyes.
Do you recognize the sadness there,
Concealed by this disguise?

I'm drowning in a flood of tears,
That no one seems to see,
Troubled by my silent fears,
That withhold sleep from me.

Can you hear the waver in my tone,
When i say "I'm doing fine" ?
Truth is I'm scared to be alone,
In this secret world of mine.

I thought I saw you
Yesterday
In the face of a
Stranger
As he stood
By the sea,
And the breath
In my lungs caught
Like kite strings tangling
In the boughs of trees

He had your smile
Almost,
From far away
But it wasn't
Quite the same
And I felt
The old wound
In my chest begin to
Open up again
With that familiar pain.

I used to think that monsters lived under my bed,
Hiding in the darkness, with eyes of ruby red.
I'd hide under my blankets, as if they were a shield,
And hope that in the shadows i would be concealed.

But then one day i realized that i had been mislead,
The real monsters i had, were the ones inside my head.
They quietly creep and crawl in the corners of my mind,
Whispering words that make me weep 'til I've gone blind.

They shatter my happiness and suffocate my dreams,
And make my ears ache with the shrill sound of their screams.
They wrap their cold fingers around my worn out heart,
And inside i feel as though they are tearing me apart.

I never thought that what I wanted wasn't you.
That the truth of this illusion
was that I was infatuated
with the idea of
being loved.
That someone could attach themselves to
one so flawed and scarred as I
with shadows cast deep
In the recesses of my mind;
What a silly dream to conjure.

Filled with electricity I floated,
Eyes clouded by the smoke of the sparks that you lit before me
And in the haze it wasn't your face that I saw
It wasn't your hand that I felt in mine as you pulled me in
To this accidental web of ours.
It was the face of an idealized daydream
the hand of a whispered wish
that I hoped had come true.

Naïve dreamer
Blind wanderer
The masquerade was ending
But I needed you
To be the one that I saw
behind the smoke.
Desperately I tried to shape you into him,
But you stood before me
An imperfect sculpture
That I was determined to fix.
But what right had I?

Truth broke the surface of my withered hope and shattered me.
Thousands of fragments of glittering glass dreams littering the floor
You were not mine to change
Not mine at all
And I was never yours.

The air in this room
Is asphyxiating
But the sunlight is
Too bright outside
And I am far too sad
Inside
And this feeling
Is like cold hands
Grasping
My heart.

So I'll wait and I'll fade
Into the night
A slight figure
In the fog
And walk under the
Sallow light of street lamps
Pretending that my darkness
Will fade into
the black of the sky
If I allow it to slip away

I think I’ll
Die inside
Tonight,
Cut words into
My flesh
And watch
The verses bleed
Until my veins
Are drained
Of any remnants
Of this sadness

Or maybe
I will drift
Into a serotonin sea
And drown
Under the swells
Of tablets white
And sea-foam green
To feel the ease,
The quiet hum
Of my heart
As it goes numb

She is a ghost
In her own home
Drifting from
Room to room,
A phantom
Rattling chains
In the early
Morning gloom

She wrings her hands
And curves her spine
And spends
The night alone
Watching time
As it passes by
In a world she's seen
Yet never known.

I'm terrified that you
Are falling in love
With the idea of me,
That the masterpiece
Your mind has painted
Far surpasses the reality
Of its subject.

When you see each
Glaring imperfection,
The incongruent lines
That shape my body,
The speckled skin
That litters my frame,
Perhaps you'll realize that
This canvas was flawed all along.

Past the impressionist blur of color
So thickly laced with
Your dreams,
There am I,
A harsh form
Captured in still life.
An incomplete charcoal sketch.

It could be that
You've simply
Never been one for realism
And I'm just
"The Girl with a Pearl Earring"
When you always wanted
"Starry Night"

I’m so afraid
That I
Will always be
The one
That loves
More.

Somewhere along the journey
Through the forest dark and deep
We gave away our faces
And our souls were lulled to sleep,
Now we are reflections
Of everything we see,
Replacing who we are
With who we're trying to be.

Sometimes
Sadness is strange
It can come along
So quietly
You don't realize
The heaviness
Of your own heart
Until you
Try to lift it
And find that you've
Somehow
Lost your strength

Do not tell me
What I am to you,
For words
Have lost their
Meanings
Voices forming
Hollow sounds
Without minds
Intervening

Show me
What I am to you
In the way
You warm my skin
And look at me
With eyes
That hush
The pain that
Stirs within

The water
From the faucet
Cleanses the dirt
From my pores
But it cannot sink in
Past my skin
To purify
My soul.

I'm not sure what this feeling is
Blossoming in my chest,
But I know this for certain:
That I want it
To stay.

My hands search
For a grip
That won't falter

My arms stretch
To find warmth
Where I lay

My eyes burn
With a past
I can't alter

My heart aches
For a love
That will stay.

Somehow
You found your way
Into my heart
And lit a flame
Within it
That I thought
Would never burn.

It roars
So bright and hot
Inside my chest,
Igniting even the
Loneliest corners of my soul
Where it was before so
Dark and desolate.

And yet this warmth
Remains inadequate
When the distance
Yawns between us
Like an abyss,
Taunting me with only
The semblance of nearness.

We're sitting on separate sides
Of a great divide
Where Time is wearing thin
But I'm still reaching desperately
To feel, just once
The gentle heat
Of your hand
Holding mine.

How strange it is to see
The Passers-By
With schedules scrawled
Across their minds
And clocks
Like ticking time bombs
Latched onto their wrists.

Overtaken in the static
Of their individual worlds
With all its never-ending
Numbers and plans,
Their heads are buried
In the sand
That falls from their
Hourglass skies.

So hurriedly they shuffle past,
Pulled by the pressing chains of
Expectations,
Straining to ignore
The hushed voice
That lives within them all
As it whispers its constant plea:
"Look up
And break free."

The door to my heart
Was always left ajar
In hopes that some lovely soul
Would make himself at home.
I should have had
The foresight
To keep it closed
And lock it tight
When you arrived;
A charming thief
In the dead of night.

The sun was rising overhead,
It shined its gleaming rays
Then said the moon, just playing dead.
“I simply cannot stay!”
The sunshine softly said goodbye,
And brighter by the second,
She ascended to the rosy sky,
And to the birds she beckoned.
The silvery stars were now long gone,
Nocturnal beasts were sleeping.
The night was like a distant song,
Shadows ceased their creeping.
As the day wore on, the sun grew tired,
Her rays were gently fading,
Between her lips snuck out a yawn,
She knew the moon was waiting.
She’d had her turn to light the world,
To warm each living thing,
But then Moon said, as night unfurled,
“I am the Twilight King”.

Is this feeling too premature
To say the three words
That dance on the tip of my tongue?
I can't help but wonder
If this same phrase lingers
Behind your lips
Like a timid child,
Simply waiting to be sure enough
To emerge from its hiding place.

I gave you
My heart
So quickly
And without
Hesitation
That I never
Bothered to ask
If you wanted it
To begin with.

And now
As I stare at
All the messages
I sent to you,
Each one left
Unanswered,
I wonder if
Maybe
I should have.

I say so many
Stupid things
I am ridiculous and
Impetuous,
I am unarmed and
Unyielding.
When you decide
To scar my heart
Or let it sink
In the wake of
Your absence
I will offer it up to you
Without hesitation.
Why do I wear it
Bare around my wrist,
Embedded in the fabric
Of my sleeve?
Why do I foolishly persist
When I know that
You will leave?

3:00 AM
A darkened room
I shift under
Smothering blankets
The wind howls
Through cracks
In the window pane
Like a chorus of
Grief stricken souls
In the midst of their
Threnody

I am drifting in and out
Of this unrest
The heaviness of
Doubt and disappointment
Leaden on my chest
I wonder if perhaps
These lungs
So inconstant and frail
Were always meant
To bear the task of
Struggling to inhale.