Jason had this penthouse apartment that was centrally located in Beverly Hills.

He was incredibly clean, but in an overwhelming kind of way.

The carpet and stuff were spotless, the cabinets were plastic, and the paint was not chipping. I felt like I was in a Doctor’s office waiting room.

He was snoring loudly, and just at the right moment he opened his eyes.

"Ha! You are dead! This is a dream, right?"

I felt a bit offended, as I was obviously the one snoring.

"No, no!"  He pointed at the clock. "It's 4AM!" (Lucky number 8!).

"You're a zombie! You're dead and you're dreaming!”

“I’m a zombie, alright!" I yawned and started to hack up zombie gore.

"Watch out!" He screamed and jumped out of the bed.

"All right, you monster! I'm dead and I'm dreaming! I'm dead and I'm dreaming!"

He chased me around the room.

"You're not dead, you're a zombie! You're a zombie, that's just what you are, a zombie, so it's a dream!" He threw up his hands. "You can't win!"

“I can't win, yeah? That’s right, I can't win. That's my luck, ha-ha!”

I hope you like midnight horror flicks." His face crinkled with confusion; the zombies smile that I was always afraid of flashing on.
"Well I didn't say I was a horror movie person. Oh, that's right, but you said, I'm dead and I'm dreaming, so that's a horror movie, right?"
I thought about it.

"Okay, I guess it's more like...like if a zombie comes to my door..."

:: 09.24.2020 ::

i met a poet  just today

he greeted me  with much

laughter   as foreplay

(we seized each other

from brim to toe)

one cried  the other sang

a hymn

and at the end  we shook

our head   contemplating

which the queerer

and stepped away

from our mirror.


:: 09-12-2018 ::

I am the sea. I am the clouds.  And the dirt you carry within your dreams.  i am the pain.  i taste the blood.  Even though it’s 2 o’clock in the mourning and time to go home.  To the nothings and the peculiars of an emptiest life.
   i am the child who once painted lipstick
on a pet / the grimmest hour I stood alone /  i wanted to die / and now i’ve grown up without the hope of a warmer house I could call my life ||
i am the tea.  i am the cup.  Of no particular taste and i want to throw up / and it’s always the last one who calls me hon / you should get a better life. |||

:: 09-06-2018 ::

NUMB(Land) came ashore near the boat house
where i last saw my precious kitty cat.

And upon the edge of sea and skies
i see a brewing storm and i fret for her.

How i want her and I need her although
she acts as though she never loved me.
i saw inside her eyes last night
that she cries all for me.

I stayed home all week and now the storm
past but my heart aches | i won't forget her.

Today i found a soulless mouse next to my door.
How she breaks my heart because she shan't
cry for no one any longer but I believe in her.

::  11.16.2021 ::

Eyeball god in mouth

Ostara?…Dio?…Luna? …

Is light as hunger for colors?

Eros the god of eyes and the hidden feelings
shameful man with ***** **** — sighing ***
in his heart — a crack, deep and wide!

Black Hole!

Punk rock for a Black Hole!

Rainbow and jubilee exploded in flood!

Like a ***** universe all of our pornographic desires
moments of starving stars and **** stars!

An eyeless god living in a glass tube with hearts
like hot flashes in heat-blasted rooms!
Pulsing pimples — swirling while a midnight sky
brings forth a cacophony of cosmic screams!

More impassioned raw-animal! More barking!
more vibrations — more imminence!

More sinewy limbs on show — ***** I’m looking at —
lifeless grey body but voracious pink face!

It licks and whimpers, suckles and *****!

Shall I become a statue again? — glazed face with eyes
sheers-white in precession of Venus?

Hey! Taint! Milk it!

:: 11.12. 2020 ::

AND if you go -- love goes away?  No, it's understood.
My love stays as freedom is a breakfast food
as if love can live with right or wrong (undestood)
or rolly-pollies are from frightful mountains made---
long enough just for you and me.

As though pain can pay the rent
regardless of genius please the talentgang comes
to collect the fallen minds and hearts upon
the sidewalks of understanding.  Everywhere.

So as it is;  my whole life:  as my coalwood eyes
burn wint-air oh waiting (my love) for spring ?(y)(w)ou(w)
un-air-stan?me
crazy
me like

evry-ting
we can do it for just Me and You.  So bring it (with love)
for a landing -- without misunderstanding -- as there is no
end what we can do together without end.

see shebert lips of babies and their beating exploding Love-hearts
: with a little luck we can help it out.

:: 10.24.2021 ::

DO-liciously said i   fell in Love
be()()Tween your most'ist gloriously
grand trait Oars swiftly guided my
strong and long co AWK went the
swallow chasing her boyfriend
and babies are beautiful in
Spring.

:: 03.11.2020 ::

FOREVER is not a given thing ~~
it is a memory

what is love but not eternity?

how love can build and destroy
cosmos alive?

as flesh wastes away
after death ~~

love stands strong astride

with intact personality.

:: 10.25.2023 ::

THE PRECIOUS terror is realizing
most adults are dead children
or like a day that folds itself into

a basket of reborn night.  That long-
necked geese and stiff necks are
either pretending giraffes or self

consumed souls; ignoring the mirror's
reflecting thoughts introspection
devours it's own mouth.  

  Surrealism is hickey upon my heart
that bests freezer burn sunlight any
now.  Kiss me you brilliant stupid
fool.

:: 08-30-2018 ::

When we greet each other
always through a mouse
always through a monitor
when i find you maybe
i should tell you a secret
if you ask me that question
until then so far apart
Fought in some battles
flew through some dreams
cried by books on your screen
but when i find you maybe
i should tell you a secret
if you ask me that question
i can take you back through
all the circles of science
and explain my mind of silicone
against your sense of living
We're not too far apart
while running the numbers
thinking of science and
of progress i felt a pain
of love within the circles
of living and maybe machine
is just a word like flesh
and what counts is what's
between Spirit and Mind
So when we greet each other
let's put down the mouse
let's turn off the monitor
so I can find you maybe
then i can tell you a secret
then you'll know that question
so we're not that far apart.

:: 10-15-2018 ::

What spirit imbues that flesh! A love like that of a mother's best,
with twinkling eyes and a heart of gold, that mystical flair that balances dew upon the soothing green blade, touching your father's heart too!

And you tend to good deeds that love and life bequeath to all,
a fiery and tender twinkle that brings joyous tears to your father's eyes, with the moon and bird-songs following you forevermore!

Your lovely grace in turmoil will make his heart always beat for you,
the world and all its gifts of gold and position are not as valuable
as that tender spot where angels dance, the room where I first met you.

That spot must have the best cot that shall forever remain my home,
you are a fair bloom of sweet beauty, fairer than roses bringing the bright noon-day, more valuable than grass, rain, or the cold kiss of a winter's night, because it's what's inside of you, not your fur or appearance, that's dear, it's the bloom that comes from the heart, and that's what I keep.

What soft breaths of wind, what autumn songs from the skies that day, and what beauty was not lost, comes from the cleft of the heart,
the heart that I hold in mine, to your father, who now with silent eyes fixed, weeps tears of the heart for you

From Heaven above have come

THE ROSE AND THE FLOWER.

(rev) 03.19.2023

PICASSO where do you draw the line!
     disjointed reasons
etched across my mind
a
  proverbial t hou ght
o  n
hinge
what say you my man - so abstract!
     rejoicing voices
love s hare s  bisecting angels
and pleasure di verge across
p o in ts
a fissure in creativity moves!
     you  c r a w l e d  out
punching real ity  in the jaw

shattering concepts --
creating new law!

:: - ::

MY adventure began no less than upon this chilling night when homes of many lower their shades and **** the light. As sullen souls lay down for bed and fall into their dreams some common sense was telling me I ought to follow;  but my heart stood firm and I – in place of fear!

While conviction (that solid and shiny compass) melted color-pale and heavy fright that night my plan was nothing more than this: to find the house of EROS to cure my heart of alder blight! After Chaos, Gaia, and Tartarus he was born but for I — as I for him this night, my ambition over fear.

EROS, the God of Love and sexuality could show the path for that enduring love of my bride to be … my writ of right! Nothing more to keep me still so I fled into the frozen hills upon a whirlwind. Yes, me the mere mortal like EROS I sped beating glittering golden wings upon my hidden fear.

Heavy a burden of knowing what must be, that fate of me. As my beast passed through the mist and soared in height she bravely carried on across barren wasteland and icy bog as sad and frozen waters gravely sang to me, “CHAOS …” and my eyes were slightly hidden – Monmouth and fear.

And it seemed to me that humanity might have just begun as we moved by wood and sullen hill surging forth in might. Oh! Pity us as EROS must feel the greater that his bride was no less than CHAOS!

Soon I came upon a chasm which has no name but keeps a flame the light of Luna burned – to see the truth of life this night.
The dance of light upon the night stirred a feeling within my soul.
Soothing my beast I released the burden of my weight and there she fled into the night like burning crystal – who eased my fear.

And within the gaping chasm of this slightly twisted **** of soil I faced my future fate by gently carefully moving forward into that dim light.  And into the night like oil each footstep soaked inside my soul; the fear within this slice of time grabbing my throat so fierce and I, like EROS, felt as one with love, less that burning fear.

My mind a fever beating like a raging river I slowly seeped into the porous night like some hungry ravenous creature who only wishes blood and bite.  But soon that moment of decision as I met that ancient door of lore.  And with my hand so cold and gray I took to knock upon the legend no less EROS.  In retrospect I must confess: seconds felt as minutes – minutes like hours, all in fear!

The sane and stable heart might wish to judge the fool I am but the need for love is stronger than the shame of fools or mortal smite.  To those who know the pain and silence of an empty life tonight compels the heart to find one’s lover and to face one’s fear and fright!

:: || ::

EAT me maniacal mannequin
kiss my wishes.  i am a broken
misunderstanding that only you
can understand AND SO the sun
Falls down across the erecting
Moon --the movers fell into
gracious love with the shakers
  so lick me maniacal mannequin
  and hold me until my skin turns
  porcelain-blue like your heart.

:: 10-05-----2018 ::

No longer a thought
within my brain,
the mortician lay me
down to sleep

a scream i refrained
surfaced as white
within my eyes
that none had bought

my vitals he checked
and thumped my nose
as a creep
then:

a bath and massage
no dance but song
two strong hands
then set my face

arterial embalming
then drain/eject
it's all the same
the cavity --
aspirate and concentrate

The humming thrumming
burning desire
escaped as soon as with
a pop I fled my skin
and faced the choice
to do it once again.

:: 10-23-2018 ::

PEOPLE call me just to say hell
people call me just to say low
and inside of my darkness
inside of this nightmare
is my prison cell
is my contusion
is my confusion
and i'm not well i'm kind of ill
just sick feeling pain
oh let it rain just let it rain
i have to disengage all this rage
and call upon a priest for blasphemy
inside of me it's inside of me
like a cat fighting zero gravity
all alone all alone
down to the bone
so sorry now but i gotta go
let me go all alone.

:: 10-11-2018 ::

\ i have a finger
   it has a trigger
i have a bullet
   it has a chamber

a perfect fusion
to combat illusion

  and i'm rolling
back down the road
to the city we all
know of

Linger City
Linger City
Linger City

Where i keep
my finger
with a rigor
mortis snicker

***** you city
slicker
my funny bone
*******
is a state of
perfection
all within
the limits of

Linger City
Linger City
Linger City

yeah /

:: 09-12-2018 ::

the mouthOFnoise eats the silence;
everywhere NOise!)turns my insides(
out/-of Tears i said to the mother
holding empty children's shoes

EyesofSorrow drowns her sight:
only to eternally see all horror
with sightless eyes that diligently
cry-/i once had a great Love that died

                      the Ghosts of
Antikythera's Cell Machines burn
the sharp edge of decaying reality;laboriously
the longest Legs of Time march forth as it
steps over my shortest Thoughts within the
MOUTH)of(NOISE

:: 03.26.2020 ::

Upon a tumultuous street, a notion alights,
It hastens in haste, then averts its gaze,
My heart's echo descends into a crimson abyss,
Upon the ocean floor, it drifts away.

Your name, I called, yet emptiness replied,
A bloom of yours, I drew, withering away.

Life's lines extend before me,
To choose, where your love resides.

This ritual unfolds each day,
I peer within, a melancholy abode,
Where my heart, a vantablack canvas, remains.

:: 12.02.2023 ::

WE walk upon the lemon slice like-Earth spinning dish
a garnish upon our plate ' a heart full of pie
and i love pasted upon your face (within orange-spilled
skies) makes mascara smear when i taste your heart

oh, moon like a drop of caught tears!
i crushed you there in my fist,
and on top of day i forgot your name
when i tasted your heart it makes mascara smear

Oh well, oh yeah
it's an open space
oh no, oh my
i died forgiving
just two hands upon
a wooden cross
and mascara smears
christ-like lover.

:: 01-11-2015 ::

THAT in my fever while sanity has escaped by baluster
i continue to gaze in daze across the sea of white-
capped madness

Each o-shaped mouth
Each Black-bead eye
and all the ears
     all the chins
             teeth

  speak an infinite story of nothing but sadness.
And within the orchestral pit finely dressed musicians
they shed b-flat note tears; their mannequin powder-white
skin a color of pink's sunsetting murmur.

Simply, the true story is off stage toward this
improbable army audience; the finely carved polychrome
citizens start to move;  half-bodied and more alive
than the flesh-kingdom.

   Last night.  Last night i felt.  
That one's life can be as real as one's imagination
   if you sinerely wish it.

:: 08-23-2018 ::

then asked me  to which i replied               c
'whenever it bleeds horses trample            u
;a bird's emptying nest'                                 t-ting
goes a bell within my heart's head             e
-ating all the impossibile births waste       d
  inside hollow Eve's Private crucifixion   g
-od knows god knows where all the         e
   -motions go to die /+\


:: 09-03-2018 ::

NOT  a goodbye my sweet birds
but that season's  change
o'er time and human need

the burrow may borrow
what little warmth
of heart but the sun sees
the vastness of grand love
we give her\so not a goodbye
little ones but a promise
for tomorrows!

:: 03-22-2014 ::
Rev: 03-18-2018

I had run out of it i'm out of it
mind you my mind that ran away
first by feet then by train
paxil was her name a rotundish
hard skinned pink pill of a ****
so sleeping a tossing flipping
dreaming dream i witnessed a mess
messing up a dream:

this slot of sliced land jutting
with clapboard housing a shouting
with roaches a toasting the best
of a meal they boasted
the strangest of stranglets in
a land of strangler piglets;

two step eddie backed up to a window
owned by a rider, says he with
back to a drive-thru widow, 'take
this shotgun, won't need it, take
this broad sword too, and take this
forty-four again won't need it,
i'll keep this grenade cause it
needs me more -- see that man there
, snagged my lawn cutting his own
, watch me walk over there.

Two-step walks over there and pulls
the pin and once again they do like
they do the owner of that window
was a copy-cop over 44 and says
to eddie, 'don't pull that pin you
sons of guns, sons of burning suns!"
Pin pulled, trigger pressed two slugs
in the valley of the deepest cracks
of two buns and all is done.

And the female dog under the oak
toking-tree says to her male friend,
'your banging will wake up the
recently dead if you don't stop
banging and start more slapping instead;
no-step eddie tells the devil he
needs to brush his tooth but forgot
his teeth brush under the bush.

Never cold turkey Paroxetine
and slip to sleep on a Monday.

:: 06-26-2018 ::

SQUEEZED is my brain  so i think nothing like no thing
stitched partly into vengeance and frozen time  Madness
i can hear the poisoning troop of deception cloaked behind
lies calling me
   ooh oh ooh   aah ah aah
so show me ruin  show me evil
show me unsee-able things
i will show you armor
i will show you strength
i will slay you from now
until the very end of time
  some call me nothing
  some call me conscious
  some call me love
I AM HEARTBREAK

:: 10-06-2018 ::

my sweet precious Living
Life by a kindest Soul
before rains the Sun
does not know    Tears
are small Oceans  in
largest doses   becomes
  brilliantly sparked
Emotions
  my Sweet Precious
Life --
i am living   spaces
  as stairs climbing
two-by-two in Time
toward the Heart's
goals!

:: 11-09-2018 ::

THE shouldest wind.  My never dream I should
held
         //--ME.  I might then should.  Did Dream.

Cold coal::coals  Time hammer now into
a brilliant thunder of what'if's that stun time
--where all flesh become amazed ages
       --welcome to life

The elder generation adores you
    that we are you. Were once.    And now.
(A whispered mystery)   ?

   so Open your window and let some
air into your room!

:: 08-20-2015 ::

DOES LOVE TREMBLE?

PALPITATIONS LIKE THE
SURFACE OF A CYMBAL!

when sun ignites
romance's flame
or when two hearts
resemble

   a Gordian knot--

oh! so simple, surly not!
tidal waves that crush
the shores of souls!

:: ~~ ::

i like it when you whisper and the world in hushed lips
fallingly desires more.    That you sing while speaking
all within my own heart i too fall within you
filled within my soul you and mine within yours

i like it when you whisper  and the world wishes too --
knows what madly soaring hearts say when
the sun sleeps and angels snore;  i too fall within you
-- are part of my soul , stay forever

mostly i like your whisper-love within my heart side-by-side
at night within the spooned bed and moon smiles fallingly
stars wishing they had one as you.

:: 02-14-2015 ::
Rev: 11-10-2018

I mouthed the morning,
and dew and petal!

I ate the soil but not
the bee but even thorn!

I saw the gnome  
inside a root of tree!

I kissed his conical hat
and kissed his feet!

This I did all before
but never within my sleep!

:: 08-26-2014 ::

This spread of paper          so cold that
      my tongue-tip    aches-freezing
the    dense flowing words    as ice
    down the ***** by gravity

Katabatic attack
    relentlessly      for weeks
My preception --whiteout;
rain, snow, hail, sleet.
    Precipitation always
measured by soul & pain

:: 12312015 ::

THEN the skies bellowed a frothy glitter    and  d o w n  became up & sideways turned horizontally truthful said the vegan Aardvark.  

THE Policeman chewed his m0uth-side and a Red Ant crawled out from his nostril ****-us (Quatrain 173) & my pillow has luscious lips from some disembodied woman who once cared for me.    The rest of this   delirious-prose is buried in an unmarked book within a discount store on the far side of the Moon.

::02.??.2020::

I followed a
      f
        a
       l
        l
      i
        n
          g
feather |
       to the ground
along the twist
    -ing-twirl
    -ing
>dizzy<
       | path |

I found a penny
which held no thoughts
together the feather
and copper bone
fell upon an anvil
cloud of striking stone!

:: 08-05-2014 ::

By some Sourdough monk in Northern Europe Patron Saint: The Drunk Monk of Nimbus HERE you will find the only reliable treatment to solve all your psychiatric and medical problems.

The Drunk Monk has won many awards for his unconventional experimental treatments.

All of the Four Pillars of Understanding have been found to contain gold along with the Mayan Calendar. The importance of this breakthrough is that you may rid yourself of the ‘Woolsey Complex’ of whatever madness has brought you here today!

You need not pay the traditional price of gold this Buddhist monk can supply cheaply (assuming you don’t mind that this saint was turned away from the Inn In Henley upon Thames, over 1,000 miles from here!) in which you’ll find:

1. A helpful cosmic energy: energy from the Emperor of the Universe! He’s like Santa Claus without the jolly youthfulness or lack of living relatives.

2. Dependable transportation: the Holy Nimbus Scooter. Just take that scooter, turn it upside down, and it’s a see-saw!

3. All 4 Pillars of Understanding: the number of boatloads of cash that you’re destined to receive from unknown sources, and soon you’ll be having tea with the Queen!

4. Also, all the Five Pillars of Wisdom: I won’t be delivering the 5th but you already have it, don’t you? (He’s helping you move! You’ll see what I mean!).

The drunk monk uses a dozen different methods to get you “saved!” First, you’ll need to drink a liter of ***** every day Do you think he’s kidding? Then, and only then, will you learn that Zen Buddhism has been around for a long time and yet doesn’t have any tradition of drunken asceticism!

On the contrary, you’ll learn that Zen Buddhism was an old tradition of Buddhism in which monks exalted in quiet prayer could use liquor in their meditation and drink it out of respect for the Emperor of the Universe.

You’ll also learn that in the original 4th Pillar of the Buddha’s teachings, the monk used no alcohol but on his first miracle he just drank a glass of sake without soiling himself. The Drunk Monk will help you as he helps other desperate people who are down on their luck.

Give me your name and address and I’ll let you know when I can see you next!

:: 09.25.2020 ::

Share this:

INVISIBLE and broken
  are we
unknown to our own kind
  are we
indefensible and ruined
  are we

Our life is mystery
Our life is heartbreak
Our life is evil
Our life is worst off

together so broken
and shameless

No heartbeat between us
divided between day & night

gazing from the gutter
of a private dark heaven
  is our life

Getting closer to god
Getting closer to life
Getting closer to meaning

it will never be
it can never be
forever stalking
those unlike you and me

We are the creatures
of the Night.

:: 09-29-2018 ::

My heart has asked of me, by the stream
it asked of me:

(What feelings are if anything, truth.)

Do the trees sing their songs
  when the wind blows?

The spider web sways but maintains.

When your legs are moving along life's
twisting paths, do I (your heart)
speak softly to you?

The witness are the clouds above you.

As the tears come who sees your
shadow hide behind the rocks?

The falcon's call of nothingness,
that spins your mystery.

And sunrise is a wondrous gift
and sunset but a promise.

:: 11-25-2018 ::

A serpent of the deep
  without the creep

As two mountains
  and their peaks

is "M" so bold --
       Majestically!

:: 10-16-2018 ::

Tiny Tim with droopy eye went out
with corpse-woman (she’d heard
he’d died)

Had a cigarette between two finger’d
bones called life and when living
ladies heard he’d died the world
began its wailing from the other side.

LAPD roped off the scene but the
ribbons were too low for ghosts and
all his demons.  Detective Mister
found his ****** revolver and no cell
block too secured assured for dead
men so police officer said, “Tiny Tim
was too beautiful but he died today;
the judge had verdict match the
coroner;  misadventure in love case
closed casket so move along move
along my fiends.

:: 03212016 ::
Copyright © Ernest Robles

PREDAWN:  my thoughts have chased
the moon away
like a wind caressing hair
and fingers lit by rising embers
of morning light.

My hand a river tremble-eddies
pour passion passing pink peaks
melting snow brings Spring
across a valley lush below.

Life.

An Olive Warbler brings the
song of Love as a sigh!

:: 12-24-2018 ::

IF pears compare
to apples smile
the fruit is key;
an orchid of hearts!

And if rivers roar
like stone's ashore
then water is rock
and time smooth and
torn

My ancient heart
tiny-tender toes,
patter-slide me!

The ballerina heart
saves me, my soul!

:: ~ ::
:: Rev: 09-08-2018 ::

Sometimes when i'm dead
the flowers smell better
And many times time
just drips on by
within my empty head

The light bulb sun
is burned out within
my room (oh dear)
and the cockroach
tells me not to fear

Jesus breaks his knee
on a viral meme
Politicians parody
the struggling life
of you and me

Holding on tight
to the horror sled
of this holiday
season of no reason
neurotic sales
schizoid crowds
smiling fiends
and the flowers
smell better
sometimes when
i'm just dead.

:: 12-10-2018 ::

PET this pretty kitty,monster
oh, WET is progress-pink disease
of love,my victims(like when i break
your heart i won’t deny it all
so we suffer the Bigness of your
LITTLEST pelvic region
so unwish a world of pity flesh
and my need for guidance is so much
like-more the world born–pity my
poor flesh(i “hyper-magical beauty”)kitty
so WET and in need of a good petting hand
and two eyes upon
my ever unwished words(never save me
from these evil deeds of desire)ugh,
ultra-omnipotence makes me hot and with
a hell to pay the angels say,”what the
devil needs to know I always seem
to suffer myself;”
so pet this pretty kitty,monster
yeah, a wet progress-pink disease o’love

:: 09-01-2015 ::
Copyright © Ernest Robles

Thimble and needle hear
my words

you're too busy these days
to love

I've followed you through
and through

the toughest patches of life
and now my thread

has grown too thin
and we'll never survive
never survive never survive
the stitching of our hearts

Paper, rock and scissors
needles, pins and threader

rulers of horror measure
the terror of my nightmare

as I watch the needle
of your busy work pierce
the tissue of my heart

I'll never survive

never survive the sowing
of the madness
              that's your mind

:: 04-21-2018 ::

forgive me  my madness,
eccentricities,
        my faults
my tenderness  
   that pain
a thorn inside my brain
and skin so human
   that it hurts
my eyes of marble
   so hardly
knew intense; a sight
beyond light and that
     thrump
          within
the cargo vessel  
          held;
lifetimes of love
and sorrow some
of which my soul
measured
a life on hold
    to save this spot
  so much like Gold.

How i remember the pasteur of life

that nursed the disease of living;

nourishing upon the hill preserved

The thoughts of a mind sticks pleasure

As my reason.  As a physician.

Whose medicine did not keep

but i approve.

How science says and does

desire of death?  What physics accepts?

How living is prescription for death;

A poet frantic-mad with such unrest.

I myself am calm realizing I am more

than flesh and blood and those whose

are art as black as hell, as dark as night

I forgive them.

:: 10.26.2023 ::

Do you see me?  I am running with the peacocks.
They are the Peahens protecting their eggs
and i a part of the harem mating.  Forget
the beauty of our plumage -- we will **** anyone
who tries to get our eggs.

:: 11.16.2021 ::

My sweetest Evening!
You are always welcomed.  
An entrance into my calmest moments.  
Your embrace / a long lost lover / but a  day since we made love
my dearest repriev’er
of harsh afternoons
and hungriest louder mornings.  
  Come.  Tell me how the world shall sleep.  
as when kittens cry for milk.
The purr-dreaming as rumbling
rails of clickety-clacking travelers
from unknown countries.    Dressed for each season.  A boldest boutique unsurpassed by circumstance.  My sweetest Evening kissing me!

:: 09-06-2018 ::

AND if the lost made their return
from soil to land and within
your life
would you -- could you -- accept
them back
From death to dust and an urn?

Surely first the shock and disbelief
maybe a hug if you dared -- could you?
And all the adjustments you made --
evaporate!

The new lover, what say to them --
who replaced the gaping hole
within your heart?
A new baby but not from him --
what then?

the possibilities of a Return, some sweet
but mostly a hidden poison -- you think
secretly.
But in the end (their end) sprang
a new possibility!

You live your life as best you can.
Especially when a lost is much to bear
and you pray -- leave the lost
within the ground

...sweet love sleep sweetly unto the Light!

:: 01132016 ::
Copyright © Ernest Robles

IF for a moment   then this moment
  that if any where truer
hours would weep and time should die
IF for a moment then now is ready
  that sweetest of knowing
When all is well and love alive

:: 10-15-2018 ::

PEOPLE with eating disorders are “allowed” to keep their identity secret. You’re not allowed to be a person.

You are simply “a stomach that ate.”

Everyone who sees you has a lot of power over you. You must be nice to them, speak in a certain way, present yourself in a certain way, and never be so self-conscious that you don’t want to eat.

You don’t want to eat because if you did, you would be severely sick.

You wouldn’t be in control of your life.

You would be a creature.

You would be weak.

It was during my treatment that I learned who I really was.

I understood that my eating disorder could be cured, because it was merely a disease of mind and body.

I didn’t have to be afraid of food, because it’s a powerful human tool.

I knew that I was not being a stomach that ate; I was a person who had been infected by a brain that wanted control. My illness wanted to make me not a person but a mind that ate.

A mind that went through life being controlled, and told what to do, and how to feel.

A mind that no longer could think for itself.
A mind that wanted to give up control, but didn’t know how.
A mind that could think but couldn’t act.

I understood that I had to take back control of my life.

I had to make myself be a person who was not a stomach that ate.

I was a girl who thought, and had dreams, and wasn’t a blob.
I was young.
I was a daughter.

I had big plans for the future.

I was a Christian.

I was a girl, who needed love, and felt loved.

I needed to be loved, and loved.

I wanted to be strong, and able to live a life that my illness would never again keep me from.

I wanted to make a difference in the world, and to love others.

I needed to learn to love myself, and to use my illness to help me learn how to love myself.

I could choose.
I would choose.
I would love myself.

I could have a beautiful life.
I could be happy.

In order to be healthy, I had to learn to let go of that which I didn’t need.

I needed to let go of the need to control my life.
I needed to let go of that which scared me and made me afraid.
I needed to let go of the struggle to know what to do next.
I needed to let go of the confusion of what I wanted and who to be.
I needed to let go of the struggle to say no.
I needed to learn to say yes.
I needed to let go of my imagination, because life doesn’t work that way.
I needed to let go of my imagination, because my illness was reality.
I needed to let go of my imagination, because my disorder was my life.
I needed to let go of my personality, because my illness was my character.
I needed to learn to find my own self.
I needed to learn to let go of being tired of not being a stomach that
ate.
I needed to learn to be a person, because being a person is what I wanted most.

And after I learned how to let go of that which I didn’t need, I became a person that my illness no longer could control.

I learned to say yes.
I learned to say no.
I learned to laugh, and be silly.
I learned to cry, and have emotions.
I learned to write, and speak, and love.
I learned to have fun, and to love life.
I knew how to make choices, because my disorder was not only no longer controlling my life, but was helping me to make choices.

My eating disorder was the healthiest thing that had ever happened to me.

It was a sickness of the mind, and a sickness of the body.
It was a sickness of the body that was a sickness of the mind.
It was a sickness of the mind, that could be treated, and a sickness of the mind, that could not.

I learned, over time, how to say yes.
I learned to say no.
I learned to find my voice.
I learned how to be brave.

I had not learned how to be brave when I was diagnosed, but I learned it with the help of my mind and my illness.

I learned how to be brave, because I had to be.

I had to be strong.
I had to be able to overcome this disorder, and be brave, because there was no other option.

I needed to be brave, for me, for my parents, for my friends, for my boyfriend, and for everyone who loved me.
I had to be brave.
I learned to say yes.
I learned to live in a world of uncertainty.
I had to live with the uncertainty that my mind and my stomach might not agree with.
I had to live with the uncertainty that my disorder would destroy everything that I ever wanted in life.
I had to live in uncertainty, for me, for my parents, for my friends, for my boyfriend, and for everyone who loved me.

:: 10.22.2020 ::