I was so scared to lose you
Now I have
But I'm still breathing, I survived
You're still there but it's not the same
It may never be the same
I'm starting to realise that's okay
Our love was as deep as the night sky
But even the most beautiful stars fade away sometimes
The shards of my chest are still tender
But I know we will become stronger
I want to be the person I'm meant to be
I guess we were a little too comfortable, now we have no choice
I will live, I will live, I will live
And so will you
We will shine again
Maybe in different galaxies
But always connected
Perhaps a broken constellation
Can be mended in new ways
I want you to be happy
You deserve it
I want to be happy
I want to overcome my demons
I am strong
It took losing you to realise it
I can do this
I no longer need you in that same crazed way
I will grow, I will grow, I will grow
I will become the most beautiful thing in the sky
And when time heals my wounds
I will be grateful you set me free.

I feel like there's a shard of glass puncturing my heart sinking deeper and deeper, with each resurfaced memory it bleeds more and more. I wonder if I'll ever stop crying, if this longing to talk to you, the desperation to make you change your mind will ever go away. I still love you, I wish I didn't. I want to forget, I would even settle for being numb but I feel things on a grand scale and I can't tie every memory of you into a box like I want to. You want to be my friend but when did you stop wanting to be my lover? I know deep down this is for the best but I don't know if I can live with this ache, this pain. I want to overcome my demons but this weight on my chest makes it hard to breathe, I'm drowning. I want you to love me again, please. I can't believe that you could just stop loving me just like that. What about everything we shared, everything we've been through?  I know you have your demons too but I'd help you if you let me. Reality is, we just weren't working out together anymore. You weren't my perfect fit for right now anymore. Somewhere along the way we lost touch, too consumed by our own problems. I let my guard down and you gave up. I'm in pieces, doing my best to pretend to be okay even though it feels like you're stabbing me every time you refer to me as your friend. I don't want to be your friend.  I don't think I can be your friend. I want to love you. But I can't. I know I have to love myself first but right now all I feel is pain. You caused it. You've dragged me down to hell and left me to face it on my own. Why? Why did you do this to me? You always said you wouldn't be fine and although you cried and said it wasn't easy for you either it seems like you have no cares in the world. You don't love me. I wish I could say the same. Someday, in time, I'm sure I will. But right now I can't see past everything I'm feeling. It's New Year's Eve, I should be going out with my friends, having a good time, forgetting about you. I know you will be forgetting about me. You probably already have. But I can't do it, I can't face my friends and tell them why you're not there. I can't lose myself in the sweet surrender of alcohol like most people. I wish, I wish, I wish. But wishing is pointless. Tomorrow is a new day, the new year and I will learn to let you go. The day will come and I won't cry anymore. I'll think of you and everything we had and I'll be happy. I'll be happy without you. Thinking about you won't feel like having a gun pointed at my head. I'll get better and I'll move on and maybe we'll be okay again.  I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to feel okay now.

I've spent all day cry(i)ng
My heart is broken
Going numb
You're right
I've known for a long time
But I always thought
Our love was stronger than anything
I love you
I always will
Even if you (d)on't
Even if you're happier with(o)ut me
I want you to be happy
You deserve it
It was(n)'t fair
I los(t) myself in you
You didn't ask for that
I placed too much (w)eight on your shoulders
When you h(a)d
Your ow(n) burdens
(T)o bare
I miss you so
There are ghos(t)s of
Y(o)u everywhere I look
Every corner of my (b)rain
I was so scar(e)d to live without you
(B)ut now you've left
Me no cho(i)ce
I have (t)o find my own way, I know
I wan(t)ed to be
The girl you deserv(e)
But now I have to do it fo(r) myself.

(I don't want to be bitter)

You held my hand
You told me we weren't going to work
You still like me
You still want to be my friend
But you don't love me
Your voice cracked
When you whispered no
And I can't believe
You'd fall out of love with me so quickly
You said you've been thinking about it for a while, me too
But to me being with you was worth all the upset and the waiting
Being with you was bliss
Was
It hurts to think of us as past tense
You said this wasn't my fault
We tried our best but I'd be happier without you
It was my first relationship
You said everyone goes through this
You said I'll be fine without you
You said forever once
You said I was the most important person to you in the world
You said you've never loved anyone else like me
You said you'd love me
You said you'd always be there
You said
You said
You said goodbye.

All week
I've been counting down the days, hours, minutes
Until I see you again
And now
One nights sleep
One bus journey
Is all that lies between us
Yet, I feel as if the space is as vast as the galaxy
Will it ever end?
Even shooting stars burn out
No matter how bright they once were
Time makes them fade
Not all wounds can heal
Or perhaps
There was too much fire?
Perhaps our flames engulfed each other
Until only ashes remained
For a girl who loves words so much
I can't help but feel
I am too careless with mine
I can't help but feel
I'm spread too thin
I can't help but feel
We have all the weight of the universe on our shoulders
And our time is running out
We may never reach each other
You are the brightest star in my galaxy
I want so desperately
To be the sun you deserve
But I'm no longer certain
I can stitch us back together
And save myself as well
I need you in my life, my guiding star, centering me (mostly),
My best friend
But I am lost
Nothing but particles and dust
I don't think you have the energy to find me
It's hard enough to keep my own dim light alive
But I'm waiting (please hold on)
I'm all burnt out (and fading)
I can't save us on my own.

It's too much for me
This life is too heavy a burden to bare
I can't deal with this constant fear
I can't deal with anxiety and panic
Clawing up my throat
Strangling me from the inside out
It feels like it's getting worse
It feels like it's taking over my life
I don't have the energy
To fight anymore
A ten year war with yourself
Is enough to destroy anyone
I feel like I've gone mad
Something's gone wrong in me
Something's irreparably broken
I want to give up
I don't want to struggle anymore
Swallow me whole
My worst enemy
My biggest fear
Myself
Take all that's left
I wave my white flag
Consume
Gone
The End.

I honestly can't describe
How much it means to have you by my side
Supporting me, guiding me
Being my light
Through my darkness moments
Patiently bringing me back
Always searching for a way to solve my problems
Standing with me
Every step of the way
Even if there is no solution
You are my rock, my heart, my soul
I am the most me when I'm with you
The most real
You bring out every emotion in me
From euphoric to heart broken despair
No matter how much I try to contain it
You don't mind when I stain your shirts with tears
Or cling onto you to stay grounded
And I wish, I wish, I wish
I could show everyone
I wish I could find the words
To tell you, to tell the world
Just how incredible you really are
You are the oxygen I breathe
You are the gravity pulling me back to earth
You are the love of my life
And I will never let you go.

(I just want to love you and love you and love you.)

I used to think it was as simple as
Falling into the shadows
But my existence
Has been every shade of grey imaginable
Blue-grey, light-smokey-grey, dark-almost-black-grey
It's never plainly
Black or white
Happy or scared
It is a constantly changing vortex
I thought I was finally breaking free of the colours - feelings - thoughts
Restraining me
I know I've gotten stronger
But why did I crumble so easily?
Just when I thought I was safe
Panic reared it's ugly head again
This time I felt powerless
My heart raced irregularly
As it placed it's hand around my neck
Strangled the air from my lungs
Until I fell backwards into a dream
Into respite for ten seconds, into darkness
My body doing it's best
To save me from my head
Every colour seemed faded
Strangers watched
As I struggled to catch my breath
They were kind, concerned, helpful
I am grateful
But I'm also ashamed
I couldn't control it better
That I couldn't stay pure white without it being filtered, mixed into black
I did my best to hold it together on the way home
But eventually the delicious meal came back up
The fog cleared a little but
I was still a shivering mess
My family and my love
Brought safety and comfort again
But now the morning after
I can't help but feel afraid
My biggest fear came to pass yet again
I'm still here, I'm still here
I want to pretend I'm fine
To get up, go out
Without a care
But the colours are all shaken up
I don't know what to do
I don't know if I've the strength to keep going on, muddled and grey
When all I want is to be
Iridescent.

Doubts
Can clutter the mind
I know better than anyone
The damage they do
I'll be honest
I've had my doubts about us
They've suffocated me
Until I faced them head on and set them free
I wrote you a letter about doubts
But truthfully, I can't remember a word I wrote
You doubt if you're good enough for me
I've been there, I've felt that weight
You always say you're so lucky to have me
But if we're honest
I'm the lucky one
I would have given up a long time ago
If it wasn't for you
You are safety, comfort, freedom
So next time you are clouded with doubts my darling, know this:
You've broken my heart and you can break it a thousand times more
I will still want you
I will always want you.
You can't love someone the way we do -
Selflessly, definitely, bravely -
Without getting hurt
We've been through heaven
Dragged through hell and back
And we still held on, we still fought for us
Many people would have given up
I might have too, if I was fighting for anyone else but you.
So cast aside your insecurities
And revel in the fact
We have something that no one else has
Know that we are stronger together than apart.

I feel it crawling underneath my skin
The sadness that lies within
Twisting my mind
Draining my soul
Am I going mad?
I feel so alone
Nobody understands
All the pain I hold inside
I can't explain no matter how hard I try
I'm dying to feel alive.

I feel like I am waking up
After a long slumber
I can't help resent how intoxicated
You made me
Emerging from the depths for the first time
In forever
How that held me back
Oh but
It's not his fault,
it's not his fault,
it's not his fault
I am too cruel
For a heart like his, too twisted
I drank too much of the sacred wine
I allowed myself to be chained by my own emotions
I'm breaking free
And I'm so scared
I don't know how to love you.

Long bus rides
Cold, dark nights
Pinpricks of orange lights
I am content
I don't know why
November calls my name
Maybe because it reminds me
Of pleasant hacks
Racing against daylight
Frozen toes
Or maybe it's
Twinkly Christmas lights
The promise of good times to come
Laughter to be had
Love to be shared
Or maybe it's
Old sketchbooks filled with doodles
Books taking me away
Music filling my lungs
Being at peace
Maybe it's
Your lips sealing my fate
A simple question, magic since
Three years later
You've still got a spell on me
You're still my anchor to the world.

I want you to know
I have loved you
From the moment our laughter
Mixed with cider, inky black skies
And orange street lights.
I want you to know
I still love you
From tight hugs and soft kissed
To tear stained cheeks and hurt.
I want you to know
I will always love you
Like atoms, we will always find our way to each other,
No matter what
We will be together.

I have never burned bright
Surrounded by wildfire
I was nothing but a mere hum
Dying embers in the background
You made me laugh
When my iridescent soul was monochrome
You made me feel warm, free
Finally the greys dripped out
Painted all over with every colour
As the heat rose to my cheeks
When you whispered my name
When you held me close
Under the shooting stars
That landed in your eyes
And set your lips alight
Kissing me, the sparks danced
Around us, around
You, the only thing anchoring me to the world,
Ablaze, but not burnt
They say when you fall in love with someone you burst into flames
I didn’t stand a chance
Fire encompasses you and me
We are shooting stars
We are so alive

My heart is heavy, my eyes are damp
But I have this overwhelming feeling
It isn't melancholic or bitter
I have this expanding feeling
It bursts right from my very core
Travelling down my nervous system
To the very tips of my fingers and toes
I feel it when I kiss him, when he holds me close
It grows and grows and grows
And this feeling
It would not be possible
Without the ones who I felt it for first
Who demonstrated it unconditionally  
From when I was very little to now
I have this infinite feeling
That keeps me safe against the unexpected, against the worry
Who needs blood? Or genetics?
As long as the people who really care about you are always there,
Who needs it?
Hold on tight to your family,
To the ones who keep you safe,
To the ones who teach you to grow
Never take them for granted
No matter how dysfunctional it is
Family is family
This infinite love, this bond
Can never be broken
Blood may be thicker than water, but
Bonds are stronger than blood.

I want to burn that image of you
In my memory forever
I want to remember every single detail
Of that moment
Of you, of me, of us
Your sparkling blue eyes felt like freedom
Your slightly self conscious smile felt like home
Wrapped up in your arms
Dancing to a crazy beat
Spinning wildly without a care
Oh you make me feel so alive
You always have
I want to burn that moment in my memory forever
I never ever want to forget how much I adore you
I never ever want to forget how
you set me free

I believe our lives are complied of a montage of moments. I believe some of these moments have infinite meaning and certain choice can influence the rest of your life forever.

I've wanted to write about us for as long as I can remember but I could never find the words that were quite right. Our love is not an epic star crossed lovers tale nor is it the will they won't they series that keeps you hooked. Our love is not extravagant, it is not the sort of thing best selling books and Hollywood films are made of. However it is meaningful. Our love is ours.

Maybe I'll never find the right words and my metaphors will forever be cliche but I will try anyways. I have to. You are simply one of the most incredible people I have ever met and I believe that more people should see you the way I do. You are perceived as ordinary but that couldn't be further from the truth. You find me when I am lost and your every breath is filled with life. You make me want to be better. I am. I am a better person with you.

And while we cannot always be together physically, we are usually separated by miles and miles, my heart, my soul, the very essence of my being is with you. You see me completely, all the gory, vulnerable, mad bits as well as the good. You know first hand how difficult I can be but you love me anyways. And you know what? I love who I am when I'm with you.

So that is why I'll keep on attempting to put what is ours into words. For you. I want you to know how amazing you are and how much I love every part of you, even the parts that sometimes drive me mad.

We might not have had love at first sight but let me tell you we don't need it. I fall in love with you more and more everyday. This love is ours.  Now where do I begin?

To save oneself one must learn to love themselves completely.

I keep expecting you to love the things I hate.

To accept them even.

Trouble is you don't believe in accepting this twisted up part of me.

I don't blame you, it's ugly and vile, it wraps me into something I don't like.

You say to accept it would mean there would never be progress.

But what if progress can only come from acceptance?

Maybe it's not your acceptance I need, or anyone else's.

Maybe all I need is to learn to accept myself.

To understand that I'll have setbacks on my journey to recover like anyone else.

To forget the past and future, to live only in the right here and now.

If I learnt to accept and love myself maybe I won't expect mountains from you.

I'd be able to give myself the world and everything else I so desparetly need.

Perhaps then, I wouldn't suffocate you so.

Perhaps then, I'd be free.

You were the girl
Who still wanted to play unicorns with me
When I was eight
You were the girl
Who I discussed some of my favourite books with
When I was ten
You were the girl
Who spent nights searching music
And sharing it with me
When I was thirteen
You were the girl
Who I spoke on the phone with about secret crushes for hours on end
When I was fifteen
You were the girl
Who I went to some of the best concerts with
When I was sixteen
You were the girl
Who's drunken confession over a toilet bowl made my stomach drop
When I was eighteen
You were the girl
Who was once my best friend for ten whole years only to turn into a complete stranger
When I was nineteen.

(Sometimes I miss you but I'm moving on)

I always dreamed
Reimagining myself
Into someone with more confidence
Someone who is bold, brave, wise
Someone who can achieve everything
I can only wish for
I always dreamed of praise
For appreciation for what I do
Who I am
I strived for it
With each new reinvention of myself
Only to be disappointed
I am constantly unsure
Of who I am
Or where I'm going
And I just want to be me
Without restraint
And I can't shake the feeling
That I've been so lost in these ideas
Of who I should be
That I'll never be able to find
I'll never be able to be
Appreciated
For who I really am.

Time is fleeting.
You can recreate a moment
But you can never get it back.
It will elude you forever
Even in your memories.
I think that's how you know you
Love someone.
While you'd love to live those special Moments again,
To revel in those magic feelings,
You're content with knowing there are so many
Moments together
You still have to live.
It's exciting when you think about life that way.
It's a collection of little things,
Little pieces that make the whole You
And it's different for every person.
I'm happy you're the person
I can spend my collection of little things with.

I'm cautious to a fault
I've never stared down
The barrel of a gun
I've never held
A blade to my wrists
But I've thought about it.

I was never a girl of extremes
I've never drunk
Poison until I passed out
I've never let my lips
Inhale ash
But I contemplated it.

I was never careless
After a few painful infatuations
And unrequited feelings
I fell in love
And this time, he loves me too
But somehow my heart is still fractured.

I cannot help but wonder
How someone so sensible
So careful
Can still be so messed up
When they have done nothing but
Tread without fault.

The thoughts and feelings
That I do my best to ignore
Stifle me, suffocate me
Even overwhelm me, sometimes
I'm cautious to a fault
And it terrifies me.

We are e(i)ther
On top of the world
Or pi(c)king up the pieces
There is no inbetween
No sh(a)des of grey
O(n)ly black or white
Only euphoric or broken
(T)hey say you should
Love deep(l)y
Or n(o)t at all
But i(s) it possible
To lov(e) someone too much?
I'm not sure of an(y)thing
All I kn(o)w is
I don't think I'll be able to
S(u)rvive
If my already fissured heart
Cracks clean in two(.)

Softly, so softly
My love, kiss me
Slowly, so slowly
Darling, caress my skin
Closer, so much closer
Let me feel you,
Let me breathe you in

Honey, I've been waiting so long
To hear you gently moan my name
For you to tell me you love me
With the same breath
Warm smiles
Lust filled eyes
I'm trembling inside

Oh, oh, oh
Love, you're all mine
And I, am melting.

It is perfectly possible to be surrounded by people and still feel alone. It is perfectly possible to be surrounded by your best friends and feel like strangers. It's nobody's fault, sometimes the people you've known for ten years decide their part in your story is over and that's okay. It does you no good to hang on to people you no longer feel yourself around. Life is short and you shouldn't have to make yourself a lesser version of what you could be just to hold on to someone who doesn't want you anymore. People change and that's okay, you have to let these things go. It's not easy but you made a similar mistake before, you held onto someone who didn't care about you or your heart and you allowed them to proceed in stamping all over it. It took a long time to recover but when you finally let go of the terrible, horrible feelings weighing you down what happened? You allowed the most wonderful person to come into your life, you healed your soul and you haven't looked back since. This won't be easy, you love them and you never wanted to let them go like this but it's time to move on from all the bad feelings and just allow yourself to be. Be what? Anything you want. Change is certainly coming but it is a good change, you'll meet new people who are like minded and who value you. You won't have to step on eggshells anymore. You can finally be who you are meant to be and live the life you deserve to have. Let go. Forgive. Be free.

I'll love you forever
And I know that sounds foolish
I am just eighteen
I have no concept of time
What do I know about forever?
I'll love you forever
Even though, truthfully,
Forever scares me more than anything
And oblivion is terrifying
But doesn't fear teach you courage?
I'll love you forever
Even though I am young
And still have my life to live
This journey I'm on, I need to believe
You are part of me, aren't you?
I'll love you forever
Because you ignite my bones
And you allow my soul to shine brighter than every star in the galaxy
Isn't that the greatest kind of love?

Isn't it funny how
You can grow up with someone
And how they can be
Your best friend
For over half your life
And then suddenly
They start to drift away
And there's nothing you can do
To pull them back
The current is too strong
You know in your heart
They don't want you anymore
It wasn't meant to be
You blame yourself
You cry and cry until there's nothing left in you anymore
You cry until the fight is all gone
You fall
You crumble
Isn't it funny how
The ones who used to know you better than anyone
Can suddenly feel like
A stranger.

Paranoia seeps in my veins
You bit me
And now I'm poisoned
He tries to **** the venom out
Only I can do that
But I am not strong enough
This delirium
Is all I have left
Of you, of us
Ten years
Left to crumble into dust.

Your eyes contain the sky
Vast swirls of blues and greys
Eternal, vital, powerful.
They can be
As clear as a summers day,
As clouded as a winter storm.
Before you I adored
Nature, the dark wooden forests
That trapped me.
But you are of a different kind,
Freedom in its purest essence
Never ending.
Your eyes contain the sky
And I've been falling for so long
That I can no longer remember
The feeling of being on solid ground.

At times it felt like
We were the only two people
In that darkened room
We were the only two people
In the world
At times when emotions ran high
When the story reached fever pitch
You would squeeze me
Hold me close
And bury your face in my hair
You would reassure me
Yet again that
You are always there
At times like these
The only thought
Running through my head was
"I love this boy so much."
It's true
I could never stop loving you
Even if I wanted to.

Last night
I hurt you again
Indifference is more painful
Than outright hatred
Last night
I cried again
I hate myself
For always doing this to you
Last night
You told me
Clearly with certainty
"I'm not going anywhere."
Last night
Despite everything
You pulled me in
And held me close
Last night
I realised
Just how much
I needed to hear those words
Last night
I think we both came to understand
Just how much
We need each other.

I'm so tired
And I miss you
All I want
Is to kiss you
To be safe and sound
In your arms
Forever contained
In the simplest of moments.

Sadly, life must go on
And while my body
Goes through mundane
Everyday things
My essence
Is still preserved in the moment.

It is where my heart is
With you.

(Until we meet again)

Holding fast -
To everything I've ever known.
I keep slipping -
Into old habits.
I'm tired -
Of being comfortable in this dingy cocoon.
All I want -
Is nothing more than
To break free -
And emerge, a new.

***** in my eyes
Burning
All I can think is
Don't cry, don't cry
So much so that now
I've suppressed the feeling
Completely.

I am alone now
And I want to let it out
But I can't
Don't cry, don't cry
I told myself
As ***** mixed with
The tears never spilled.

I'm in such control of my emotions
That I can't find a release when
I need it.

I curl up
And allow my skin to absorb
The rare rays of
Summer sunshine
I read beautiful words
That express how I feel
Better than I ever could
Like the sun
Everything, everyone shines brighter
Better than I ever could
I always feel so
Insignificant.

I always thought
That if I had to lose you
As much as it may hurt
I would remain unscathed.

Now I see
The opposite holds true
It is I who would have
The shattered heart
It is I who would
Crumble to pieces.

For you, my dear,
Are the one I grasp onto
You are the one whom
I let into my defences.

Only you have the power to
Destroy me
In a way no one else could
I fear the loss of your presence,
You warmth, your love
I fear the loss of you
More than anything else.

Only you have the power to
Complete me
In a way no one else could
I love your presence
Your warmth, your love
I am so in love with you
You make me feel so alive.

This is why I will continuously
Brush off or dismiss the little things
That have offended me
I cannot bare to argue with you.

Overreacting is part of my nature
I hope you can accept it
As one of my fatal flaws
And somehow love me anyways.

I always thought
That if I had to lose you
I would be ok
But if my fatal flaws
Made you stop loving me
Eventually leaving me
I would hate myself with such a zeal
That no one would be able to convince me of anything otherwise.

I know that I am flawed
But I hope despite it all
You can still continue
To love me anyways
Because I am terrified
Of the day
When you will say
That you don't.

In an age of social media and technology
We waste away so many hours of our days
Scrolling through snapshots
Of incredible things and places
From all over the world and beyond
We are so amazed by
These glimpses
Of other peoples lives
That we often forget
To live our own.

Everyone I liked before you
Have been a lesson learnt
And while I cannot fathom
The possibility of us
Being anything else
Feeling anything else
Than we do now
I cannot help but wonder
If you're the hardest lesson
I have yet to learn.

You know
How I told you before
That I have no muse
Because it ran away
Well I've been leafing through my notebooks
And I've come to realise that
Without intending to
A new muse
Has been hiding
In the depths of my tangled mind
It's you.

You have taken up
The space that was once empty
I write as I love and I love to write
Somewhere along the way
You have become the most frequent topic
Of my many musings
It is clear to me now that
In the search for finding the right words to say to you
I have been writing down the things
I can't quite say aloud (Yet).

I will keep all of these
Incoherent, unfinished, rambamable
Yet honest things
I will keep them safe
One day I will place them together
Side by side
Finally you will see
The words I struggle to express
You will see
My feelings on paper
In their most raw and true state
Just for you.

The intensity of the moment suspended
Rendered me speechless
My mind went numb
My heart went on overdrive
To compensate for it
Until eventually I croak out
A mangled whisper
Those three words.

They never seem to sound
Quite as I want them to
They never seem to hold
The same weight
They never seem to evoke
The same feelings
As hearing them
Being said with such certainty
By you.

I hope you still understand
I really hope you know
Just how much

I love you.

Eyelids drooping
My body aches for respite, for rest
Yet I still try my best
To fight this weak human need
Just so that I can see
Through the darkness
With weary eyes
Your name
Flash in a blur
On my phone screen
Just so that I can read
Your words
Hear your voice
Your soft, low tones
Echo in my head
Just so that I can pretend
You are here with me.

I miss you so much
It is an ache that pains me more
Than my lack of sleep
Between those few hours of solace
We have together
Th ache grows
Only temporarily subsided
By the thought of you
Lying awake, thinking of me too.

So I'll keep denying myself sleep
Just to feel the familiar
Rush of happiness
Swelling up inside
When I see your name
Lighting up the long, cold nights.

Last night I had a dream
And in that dream
I fell asleep in your arms
A simple wish,
Which I desire greatly
It felt so real.

I was blissfully happy
And I felt so safe,
I finally felt at peace
A feeling which has been difficult to hold onto
As of late.

Now I'm awake,
Left to face the bitter reality
- I am all alone.

I miss you more than ever.

When I read those words
My heart lurched
All I wanted was to
Be with you
So I could
Fade your scar with a kiss
And hold you so tight
Never ever letting you go
So that you would know
Something like this
Would never ever change
My feelings for you
Something like this
Would never change us
In the way that you feared
If anything
It has made us stronger
It is proof of the trust
We have in each other
I don't want you
To ever feel
That way
Again.

You make my breath
Catch in my throat
And my stomach flip
You beating out
The rhythm of my heart
All these strange, wonderful feelings
I want to keep.

That night I made
A wish on a shooting star
I wished for you.

Here we are again
Nervous energy trembles
Finally alone.

How do I explain
The way you've inhabited
My brain
And made me believe
What I wish for could be real
I'm not sure what I want
I'm not sure how I feel
However, I'm hoping
Just hoping
You'll never let me
Build those walls
Good times, Bad times
Through it all
I'm hoping you won't let me go
Free my heart,
Free my soul
Like I will do for you.

Gushing stream
The hot water cleanses
My body of its imperfections
My mind of its worries
Instead filling me up
With voices from the make-believe
Allowing for just
A moment of respite
It may not last long
But here in the rush
I cannot feel anything
Or hear anything
But the water and me
I am alone
Perfectly alone
I am happy here.

You are sweet to me
But I know how you can be
Yet I will not stop this or complain
Because I need a friend
Who won't judge me on my pain
A friend who makes me feel
Warmth and some self-worth
You make me smile
And forget about him
For a while.