who would've thought that I'd make it to 22
that my fire never extinguished after all those years of rain
my seven-year-old self would be glad to see she was preserved

who would've thought that the one I dreamed about for six years
now sleeps in my bed at night, and calls me his wife
my 11-year-old-self would never believe it

who would've thought that, somewhere along the line,
I made friends who care for me and I them
my 13-year-old self would be relieved

who would've thought that my heart became soft again
and I learned to let myself cry, and feel
my 15-year-old self might just smile

who would've thought that I made it out of my hometown,
traveled the world on my own, and decided to come back
my 18-year-old self would be astounded

who would've thought that I became a teacher
and I don't fear my calling anymore
my 19-year-old self would laugh in disbelief

who would've thought that, despite all the years of isolation,
dissociation, fear, and heartache, I emerged still me

who would've thought?

not me

15 years later, and we came back
the same creaking door announced our arrival
wood paneling and deer antlers seemed to remember us
the same way we started to remember them
six bunk beds and wooden shelves
where I used to put my radio and listen at night
the same key chains hanging from the light strings
we sat at the same wooden table
and put together that circular puzzle that has never left my mind
we went to the river and ran in bare feet
with the same fear of snakes as we did way back then
we sat 17 around the table and ate supper
and did the dishes with boiling water
we played Dutch blitz and card games
and always took someone else with us to the outhouse
we pumped that same water out of the same red pump
and the water had black flecks like it always used to
we all lined up and jumped off the rock in the same order as always
"my name is Bethany and I'm 22"
we hopped in the truck bed and went deer spotting at night
and remembered why we were scared of bears
and I remembered how much I miss being around my sisters
I slept on the top bunk with my sister
and she didn't stick her legs under my back like she always did
we climbed up to the fire tower
and rubbed leaves on our yellow jacket stings
I wish there was a natural remedy for nostalgia
when we left, they ran to the road to say goodbye
like they always did before
and my heart felt like some of it didn't leave with me
it took 15 years, but I came back

If I didn't value you in your life
Is it worth honoring you in your death?
I didn't care to see you
And now I won't
And I never missed you
But now I will
Why am I so stupid?
They're distressed
So am I
We're all suffering
Except you
Not anymore
You could probably beat all of us in a race right now
I never said goodbye

I still want to be alone
My grandfather is still dead
But now I'm not cold
I went inside

Now my face is hot
And my tears burn my checks
And my blood is boiling
Why did he have to die?

"I wanna be alone"
I whisper to myself
As my voice echos
In this empty space

My breath makes a cloud
And my body shakes
The tears on my face freeze
My grandfather is dead

I haven't written a poem
In 10 months, almost
Which is the same amount of time
We've been dating

And in the past 10 months
I've learned a lot
I learned to show emotions
And to cry

I learned the joy of having a person
To love and to love me
And I also learned the complete and utter pain
Of constant distance

I learned to not fear companionship
Or intimacy
And I realized how much it hurts
To miss those things

So these past 10 months
Grew me
I was handed my greatest dream
And biggest fear

I haven't written a poem
In a very, very long time.

I don't know what to think
I don't know what to say
I never thought it'd happen
But it happened just today

I've liked him all these years
I watched and loved and prayed
He never, ever noticed me
So I lingered, quite dismayed

But now the tide had changed
And pulled me right along
So here I document the change
In this poem, my heart's song

It seems he saw me watching
It seems he sensed my love
It seems an even greater one
Heard my praying from above

So I don't know what to think
And I don't know what to say
I never thought it'd happen
Yet it happened just today

I said this year I'm done with boys
I'm done with all this emo noise
And let's just say it worked quite well
But now it won't, as I will tell

I gave up all my childish loves
I set them free like they were doves
They flew away and left me here
I was content in this past year

The ones I liked became estranged
But now it seems the times have changed
For even as I left them be
They now come running up to ME

They cower under my commands
Do all my freaking dumb demands
I hate the every part of it
And now I think I'm going to quit

Before I go I have to say
If you want boys near you to beg
Just give up all your previous loves-
They'll fly right back like stupid doves

I have a curse, I have a friend
And Solitude's the name
He makes me wish I had an end
To playing this cruel game

He keeps me under his own wings
From him I never stray
He's my friend now, and though it stings
I go to him each day

He lets the wind come push me down
He tells the rain to pour
And even if I make a sound
It's silence, nothing more

He's my friend now, my only one, and for a time I've known
That even if I knew the world, with him I'm still alone

I can't keep doing this every day
I can't keep this charade
I need to see You here with me
To see why I was made

I know You're up there in the sky
I know You love me so
I scream for You to take me out
I'm drowning down below

I stretch my hands to touch Your face
I strain so hard I cry
But even though I try my best
I can't. You're up too high

So now I lay here on the floor
A mess of dark and light
The light so dim I fear it's death
As daytime turns to night

I sleep the night away so numb
I can't see right from wrong
I sin and sin and sin and sin
And then, I hear Your song

It wakes me from darkened trance
I see how far I've run
I feel the light that comes with day
With light I see the Sun

And once again I live my life
Until at once I don't
I reach for you, but fall asleep
The Son will rise, I won't

My favorite place, as you can guess
Is where I'm all alone
They say I'm antisocial, yes
Still loneliness is home

All by myself I live, I thrive
With people, not so much
I can't live like a bee in hive
I never got that touch

I run to solitude at times
To rid me from my mind
And even writing words and rhymes
Can't keep me with my kind

I've become friends with Solitude, and for a time I've known
That even if I'm left behind, with him I'm not alone

I never thought we'd end up friends
I thought we'd stay on separate ends
A guy your age, and girl of mine
This wasn't what I thought I'd find
I never meant to like you so
You liked me to, and this I know
And now you have a baby girl
Our lives are passing in a whirl
But somehow, someway, we're still close
Our fated friendship means the most

"I wish the rain would pass us by,"
They say as droplets fall from high
I nod my head as if to say
I think so too, but as it may
I love the rain, the life it gives
The way it makes me want to live
Inside my head, so deep inside
I murmer out an "I don't mind,"

"This freezing cold is hard to bear,"
They say with hats upon their hair
I smile back, pretend to be
What they seem to expect of me
But where the cold is colder still
Inside my mind, the freezing chill
I whisper back my icy side
"But I don't mind, no, I don't mind,"

"I can't stand when I'm all alone,"
They cry out with a striking moan
I laugh inside but nod my head
(Their trifling ways are better fed)
This time I whisper oh so slight
An, "I don't mind, no I don't mind,"

These people, they don't understand
That life does not go as it's planned
And we can choose our path we take
And sometimes ones that we don't make
So take your path, and you will find
That you don't mind, no, you don't mind

I used to say I wanted friends
To have a person to the end

I got my wish, just this past year
But now that wish has changed, I fear

For in my life these people came
And then they left me still the same

So now my wish has changed, you see
I still want friends, but I want them near to me

I saw you just the other day,
remembered how we used to play
Not long ago we were best friends
but then that friendship had to end
I miss you tons, I have to say
but still much more, I miss the way
we cared and helped each other so
the way we helped each other grow
It hurts so much to see you now
to see the way you've changed and how
these changes took place without me
Oh please, oh loss, just let me see
It hurts so much, please let me be
I can't, I won't, please, set me free

can you hear the birds in the morning
singing their worship songs
can you see the sunrise light stream in
that makes the shadows long
can you feel the grass blades underfoot
as you run without a care
can you taste the coolness of the brooke
getting droplets in your hair
can you hear me tell you that you're free
can you see my words are true
can you feel my love spark flames of light
not for me, oh no, for you

I like being alone
I love soletude
But every once in awhile
I get a feeling
I think it's loneliness

I don't like people
I hate socializing
But every once in awhile
I get a desire
I think it's for companionship

I sometimes want a friend
But I dunno
I'm not great with people
But maybe my answer is a person
Then I won't have to be alone

I still have flashbacks
To the worst day of my life
And I remember my pounding heart
And the ambulance
And how scared I was
I don't try to forget these things
But I don't like to remember them either
I clearly remember the hospital
And how I almost threw up
They said family members only
And I was so scared to go back there
It was the scariest thing I've ever done
But it's over now
And I'm okay
We're all okay
Just a little different
A little older
The worst day of my life is over
And it's been reduced to "The Accident"
An awful lot of memories are in those two words

One day I realized something:
That I love stars a lot
But they're so hard to find
(At least that's what I thought)
I traveled to the library
And I checked out lots of books
And read them all quite thoroughly
From there I went to look
That night was cold and windy
(I was unsure if I would stay)
But Cassiopeia then appeared
To me and showed the way
She showed me Ursa Minor
And Orion, standing strong
She showed me all the Milky Way
And I began to hear their song
The Seven Sisters called to me
And Pollux showed his light
Oh, there were many things I saw
That cold and windy night
I still love stars an awful lot
And above me I still look
I try to show the light I know
That they gave, and I then took

I lost a friend the other day
We "grew apart" as some might say
So close we were, so much we said
And now that bond is very dead
Together we used to walk the road
To empty all our heavy loads
My loads have never ceased to grow
Just like the seeds the farmers sow
But now I walk the road alone
And I as well have also grown
I'm not the one I used to be
When friends we were, I now can see
That it was important to drift away
For us to grow our separate ways
As you grew left, well, I grew right
All this without a hurt or fight
But now I feel the hurt inside
A hurt that I take pains to hide
From you, for I still love you lots
And often you take up my thoughts
For you, indeed, have grown quite well
Like trees in spring, where flowers dwell
I miss you much, and often crave
The friendship we so gladly gave
For we thought close we'd always stay
But as we grew, we moved away
And now we found we're far apart
Old friendships left, new ones we'll start

I hate hospitals
I love the work they do
But I still hate them
I only remember their ***** floors
And disgusting food
The nauseous feeling
And the lingering death
The tear-stained seats in the waiting rooms
The automatic doors to the ICU
I hate it all
And I have the utmost respect
For those who work there

I was born to be unnoticed
A shadow in the dark
A photo that never focused
Fire without the spark
I am the nameless one you saw
Who sat there, all alone
Unnoticed by the crowded hall
A phantom, never known
You don't know me, no one does
Invisible I'll stay
You don't know who I am or was
Please interfere- I beg

Outside the wind is howling death
A screaming gale of endless breath
Over the hill she comes and goes
What she is, but few may know
Inside her she is not so mean
As her outside makes her seem
Her soul is quite a peaceful one
Heard by few and friends of none

Inside I sleep in gentle peace
With dreams of gold that never cease
What I am, but few may know
For I only give what I want to show
Inside I am a screaming gale
A howling death of rain and hail
My soul is wrought with pain and fear
That none will know and few will hear

Other people wish for sun
For cloudless days filled with fun
I, instead, wish for rain
In hopes that it will take my pain
The rain, it seems, has magic powers
That transfer down in peaceful showers
It fills me up, I overflow
It sees I'm full and then it goes
Where it goes I do not know
But this I know: that it will show
Sometime when I am close to death
And in my pain it gives me breath