look up-
there's the ceiling
with its memories
of people passing
under and through
switching trains
exchanging hearts
if you close your eyes
you can hear the goodbyes
and the whistle of
the train as it puffs away
and beyond sight
there is so much beyond
sight and i'm running
up and down the stairs
here at grand central
station looking for
someone to hold my heart
maybe love was on the train
that just drove away
or maybe i'm just a little early
i check my watch
and the grandfather clock
dings.
i am not alone, i am with
a friend and so many strangers
and my friend looks at
me and says 'are you ready?'
i don't know if i am ready
i like being in a place of goodbyes
but she says to me that
goodbyes are only the start of
a hello and i guess she is right
but i can't help but think
if you were here with me
holding my hand
watching lovers part and
mothers cry
how wonderful it would be
to be the ones who have gained,
not lost-
watching others say goodbye
while we're just beginning
to say hello.

I was certain
that I had gotten
over the fact
that we were in the past
until I realized today
that I checked your blog
every single day
in hopes
of knowing what
is going through
your wondrous mind
the last time you posted
was when the leaves had fallen
and the ground was sprinkled with snow
new trees have long grown
and flowers are in full bloom
but I still think of you
and hope you may think of me too

she was a sick little girl
with dreams of conquering the world
but she was bound to her bed
because of the demons in her head

he knew how bad it could get
he knew what was inside her & yet
he stayed around, day after day
he promised he'd make the demons go away

there was little he could do
she was already infected, he was at risk too
but he lay in bed with her all day, all night
he made sure she wasn't alone in the fight

some days were better
some days were scary
but he never left her
he never got weary

on the few days she spoke,
she spoke nonsense that didn't add up
but she knew with him she could speak freely
she knew that him she could trust

on the worst of days,
sometimes it appeared to her
that his hands were claws
and his intentions to hurt her

she saw his eyes as burning red
his teeth as sharpened knives
she felt the hunger in his stomach
to take away her life

these delusions got the best of her
at times she tried to run
but he silently stood at a distance
and made sure she was safe until these delusions were done

eventually he would appear back to his normal state
and she would realize what was true
he wasn't a monster, he wasn't a demon
he was a beautiful boy; through and through

his eyes were of melted chocolate
and his smile worth gold
his hair a little messy
and his hands were perfect to hold

he couldn't make her demons go
he couldn't numb the pain
but it made it easier to cope with
he was the sunshine during the rain

she never understood
why he would always choose to stay
because she never could give him anything
and often, thanks she did not say

she was quiet most of the times
her demons spoke too loud
she'd just close her eyes and try to quieten them
she didn't want them to speak aloud

so the boy and the girl often sat in silence
and that's what made her wonder
if it wasn't her words and it wasn't her actions
why did he bother to stay with her?

she never asked him, however
she was afraid he might leave
so she just stared at the sky
and prayed for peace

she prayed that he would have all the happiness
all the joys, all the bliss, all the love
she prayed that no worry would ever hurt him
that he'd have protection from above

she prayed that one day she could be strong enough
to be his guardian angel
she prayed for her health and strength
so that to care for him she would finally be able

and that's the story
of the boy and the sick girl
who, even though they seldom spoke,
wouldn't give the other up for the world

turning someone else's pain
into our poetry
is a crime we're all guilty of
putting ourselves in their shoes
just to be able to recreate their distress
on paper
momentarily,
just to feel something
to be able to write
to connect with the words we type

we're empty inside
we've been ****** dry
exhausted our pain
completely drained
with all our worries having drenched the paper
too many times before- flooded.

we turn to someone else
internalizing their woes
stealing their sorrows
so that we have something worth writing about

we need to write
it is vital for our survival
so we turn to victims of hurt
of abuse, of loss, of misery
we turn to you

we are
bloodthirsty; savages

pain is our medicine
it's what keeps us alive
i suppose it's a good thing
that there's enough to go around

i catch myself staring
& wanting to preserve you in words*

but the page is blank,
the ink has run dry,
my eyes are glued on you
& i wish my lips were too.

i saw you in my dream
your face it made me scream
i woke up drenched in tears
having to face all my fears

your blood shot eyes
your piercing cries
your cold blood
your mean love
hands around my neck
i am begging for death
you never let go
you want me to know
what pain feels like
**i deserve a painful life

you held me down and pinned both my wrists to my sides while i screamed and i yelled and i abused everything in sight. your body weight kept me down; you were strong enough to keep me from hurting myself but gentle enough not to hurt me. i cried and i thrashed and i told you i didn't love you anymore i told you that you were the problem i blamed you for everything wrong in my life and you just stayed put without a single word and didn't stop me because you knew when i entered this state of mind, you just had to let it play out its course. i had a shaking body and a tear-stained face but at least i did not have ****** wrists. i eventually cried it out and as i lost energy from the fight i gave up and my body went limp. you let go of me then and sat right besides me. you held my cold body close to you and the sound of my slow breathing played in your ears all night. you couldn't sleep, how could you? my vile words and false accusations tore through your heart and your mind and even though you knew i didn't mean them it didn't matter because these words would go through your head for the rest of your life. but you put them aside and watched the rise and fall of my chest, thankful that the heart underneath it was still beating and that's what kept you going. sometimes you wondered whether the real me was the one late at night who left bruises and cuts on your chest when i tried to push you away so that i could hurt myself again or the 10am me who begged for your forgiveness, the one with dark circles under her eyes and regret in her veins. sometimes you think back to the time i pushed you out the front door and you sat outside on the doorstep until i opened it 5 hours later and fell into your arms sobbing. sometimes you think back to the time i baked you cookies and cupcakes and burnt them a little because i've never been able to create with my hands, only destroy. at the end of it all, you watch me sleep, my tiny body cuddled into yours and even after all is said and done, you look up to the night sky and thank the stars and the sky and destiny or whatever greater power is out there for keeping me safe just this one more night.

yesterday i caught myself buying iced coffee
anyone who knows me knows that i like my coffee hot
anyone who knows you knows that you do not

my playlist looks like a walk down your memory lane

you frustrate me in more ways than one
i can't decide if you are a curse or a blessing

i used to know a boy who said the same about me
he stopped putting milk in his coffee because that's how i take mine;
black

i think i love you as much as he loved me

i think the world would be a better place if we all just drank the coffee that we like
coffee is not a substitute for love
i forget that sometimes

i stay loyal to you even in another man's arms

**** iced coffee

I am the cuts on your wrist
I am the alcohol on your breath
I am the pills under your tongue
I am the blood on your carpet
I am the circles under your eyes
I am the cries stuck in your throat
I am the voices in your head
I am the stars in front of your eyes
I am the darkness in your thoughts
I am the scars on your bottom lip
I am the suicide note in your drawer
I am the gun under your pillow

I am the misery; I am the grief
I am the pain; I am the screams

If after everything we’ve lost,
this is all I have gained,
the least I can do is
take pleasure in your pain

the tides are closing in
the moon is just in reach
the grass seems taller

she's tripping
it's a whirlwind
sunsets in the sky tonight

it’s hard to explain
to your innocent mind
why even when I’m happy
I can’t be fine

you see the happiness you bring me
the joy and the laughter
it all reminds me of the past
of my happily never after

when I feel inside me a ray of light
seeping through my anxiety and fear
I crawl right back into my dark mind
and pretend like I don’t feel him near

for the only bliss I’ve ever felt before this
was in his arms and in his bed
every reminder of those feelings I once had
makes me wish I were dead

so thank you for the good you’ve brought me
for being wonderful, kind and lovely
I don’t know how to explain it to you
but truly, I’d rather not be happy

for I know how to be sad and angry and dismayed
how to have no hope or expectations
what I truly do not know, yet
is how to be happy without fearful anticipations

my father told me
to just come home
once i hit my
breaking point

how do i explain to him
that i don't have a breaking point?

my body will twist and turn
it will boil and bubble from
the inside out but i will
not break and my lungs
will scream for air my
heart tied together with
knots and crosses my hair
falling away in the air
that just isn't enough for me
to breathe

how do i tell him that
my sadness will keep growing
until i am dead and that
there is no 'point' at which it will
be 'bad enough' for me to say
'i give up- take me home'
there will be no point because
father, i will tell him,
father, you raised me as a fighter,
and i do not know how to give up
not when it is the smart option
not when it is the only option
i am not one who gives up and that
is both stupid and deadly but
i know myself to know that i will
stay and stay and stay till it was
far past time to leave
that is why i loved the boy
who wrote poetry on me with a blade
and that is why when he told me he'd **** me
i still stayed
i don't know how to let go
of places or people or things
i don't know how to give up
on ideas or love
that is why
when the nurse asks me
how bad the pain is
on a scale of 1-10
i will always say
something along the lines
of 5
even with a broken spine
and a dislocated skull
i will tell her the pain is 5
because i do not know
what my 10 is
where do i stop to say
this
this is
enough

father, when you tell me to come home
when i've had enough
know that i do not know what 'enough' is
i have always been trying to be 'enough'
i always want to give more than 'enough'
but this strange place called 'enough'
has never been home to me

i'll fight till my
anxiety ties around my neck
and i am blue in the face
purple fingertips
and yellow eyeballs
i'll fight until my
depression creeps into the
veins of my bloodless body
and soars through them
mercilessly
i'll fight until
you put the last of the dirt
upon my fractured grave
because death always came easier
than ever saying
i give up

distance was no stranger to us
but months passed, almost a year
and i could still feel his lips on mine
the smell of his skin and the taste
of his mouth
distance and time didn't matter
his physical absence was recovered
by the memory in my touch

it's barely been five months
since i said the final goodbye
this was a new kind of distance
one bound with fear and freedom
now, at nights, i cannot feel him on me
i cannot see him when i close my eyes
my memory hazes over as i try to recall
what he tasted like, smelt like, felt like
there are echoes in my mind
of his laughter and his anger
there are echoes in my mind of what
it sounded like when he told me
everything was going to be okay
but everything really isn't okay
and i can barely remember what it
felt like to hold him and feel like
everything was going to be okay

memory is a *****;
you are its master
and i am its slave.

i walked in the rain
a hoodie biked by me
he smelt like you.

it made me wonder
of all the moments
i never witnessed
you getting ready
for our first date
trying on different outfits
rehearsing lines
nervous fingers
trembling hands
i wonder how many
times you tried so
hard to find a way
to my heart and now
that i'm looking
around me i realize
just how special you
were because you always
made an effort and tried
your best and your best
was the best.

these boys they don't
understand what it
means to commit to a woman
to treat her right
to be the kind of guy
to whom they'd want to be a wife
these boys they're just boys
with no hint of being a man
and i don't know if i can ever
settle for them after
everything we've been through.

castles to castles.
gold to gold.
with you, i had wanted
to grow old.

i wish i had caught a glimpse
of everything you had invested
and all the effort you made
to put a smile on my face.

ashes to ashes
dust to dust.
i'm all alone now
and i really miss us.

back and forth, back and forth
it drove him insane
but the back and forth, back and forth
was still better than the pain

he'd rather be in uncertainty
than lose her all at once
the fear of never speaking to her again
was better than enduring silence for a few months

but it got to him, still
her lack of commitment and the way her mind changed
he wondered if it was so easy, to let him go
if loving him was as easy as being from him estranged

she was so hard to predict and it wasn't easy
she went from 'i love you' to 'i'm leaving'
one day she'll want to choose you, the other, lose you
she went from all night conversations to not even speaking

i guess for him, the pros outweighed the cons
the hope outweighed the fear
he'd rather live in anxiety
than the lose the possibility of keeping her near

it hurt him inside, every now and often
but he embraced the uncertainty, the shaky life
he kept his mouth shut and took what he could get
praying every night that one day, she might choose him for good, and become his wife.

it is in the in betweens
when your memory is
most real to me.
airplanes and 3AMs
in moments when i forget
who i really am.

cue confusion, cue pain
cue the struggle to remember
where i am and when i came.

my hands shake and i itch to
press the button with your name
i need to tell you that i am once again
in the in-between
asking (begging) you to
take me back as your queen.

i could have fallen in love
with the boy on the football team
the boy with a promised future
i could have gotten the diamond ring
and the honeymoon in paris
a white picket fence
had daughters with pretty hair
and sons with their dad's eyes
late night dinner parties and conference calls
steady income and monotonous life
i could have fallen in love with ease

but instead i fell in love with you
with all your bruises and scars
and your torn apart heart
your baggage and your past
your unwashed hair and your laugh
i fell in love with the dreams you held
and the late night conversations which never seemed to end
you had no money, you had no wealth
you had nothing to give me but love
and for me, that was enough

i could have fallen in love with ease
but instead i fell in love with *uncertainty

i watched the pigeon
fly in circles
and wondered why
he didn't fly away

in the window of
a city apartment
he built his nest
and it seemed as if
he planned to stay

functional wings
and no constraints on flight
i questioned why
he didn't fly west to green meadows and clear skies
instead he chose the bleakest grey

and yet maybe i should
turn the question on myself
despite my freedom and wings
why indeed did i choose not to leave;
*why instead did i choose to stay?

there were so many pains
i hid you down there, down under
i thought we'd figured out the pain
we'd moved past the hurt
but i'm on a flight to another town
and its snowing and im floating
i never had the heart to delete
your music from my phone
and im trying to listen a little harder
so that i can hear your voice louder
than the music which envelops it
i want to hold you close to my heart
you are a black hole and i made it big
i left you behind when i moved up
but running forward doesn't mean you don't miss what you left behind
the plane is dark because the snow is heavy and white
i can hear your voice whisper
"hold on, i still need you"
and a tear runs down my cheek
the funny thing about pain is
sometimes the big things don't hurt as bad as the little ones
and sometimes new pains don't sting as bad as old injuries
they say your first always hurts more than your last
but my last ****** me up so bad i didn't think my heart had space for you anymore
i will always have space for you
we will never be, and i don't wish for us to have been
but I'd like one more late evening:
driving around in your car, singing along to eden, screaming at the top of our lungs at the beach
you live inside of me, in a place that cannot be touched, cannot be washed
there are things greater in life than love.

1am
you knock at my door
i open it, standing there
in my oversized tshirt
and my hair done in braids
i let you in
you have a new speaker
you're so excited
you apologize
because your retainer
is still in your mouth
and your hair looks
like you haven't brushed it
and i don't know
how to tell you that
you are the most beautiful
person i have ever seen
you ask me for music
preference but i say
whatever you want
because you are my
melody and i could
dance to you all
night long
you climb on my
roommate's bed and
sit there because
she's out of town
and i get in bed
we sit in silence
you with your retainer
and me with my glasses
we're listening to
indie music and laughing
saying maybe today
the world isn't so ******
and this bass is just
so **** perfect
and we're not lovers
we're just friends
and that is so much
better than anything
i could ask for
you ask me how we
are so perfect
together and i
tell you that it is
because your presence
feels so much like
home to me
it gets later in the night
and you're falling asleep
we talk about your dreams
you want to return to
cape town and become
someone dedicated to
service and love
and i don't know
how to tell you that
you are so perfect
to me and i love the way
you hold yourself and
always strive to be someone
better, stronger, greater
we're listening to songs
in languages i don't speak
but gosh
your eyes light up when we
speak of the fields and
the ceremonies
you feel like you belong there
and i feel like i would
like to be somewhere near you
so that after you're done
saving the world for the day
you can come lie
next to me and we can
listen to indie songs
until we fall asleep.

green eyes
soft smile

you got me feeling
all kinds of things

woke up in the middle of the night screaming your name; God knows i felt the pain. seeing you in my dream with your lips so near. bringing my mouth down near your ear. then whispering to you pretty words of wonder. not distance nor death could have left us asunder.
i know love hurts, but tell me darling, can it ****? with the amount of blood on my pillow case, i'm certain it will. it is not the bad but the good which haunts me so; makes me wonder why i ever told you to go. because last night that glimpse of you was enough- to remind me that you're the only one i love.
but i'm bleeding, i'm broken, i'm yearning still. i'm hoping, i'm hoping that you are well. because waking up to silence and fear: isn't something i'd want for you, dear. is it too late for me to reverse the past? i've heard spoken words cannot be taken back. may i try, at least, to rekindle the flame? this dream has reminded me of why i always wanted yours next to my name. but then again, i suppose the blood is enough of a sign- to prove that maybe it's best you're not mine. or maybe you are in the depths of your heart. maybe we can go back to the start.
i'm hoping, i'm praying, i'm crying for you. maybe, oh maybe, this love is true. if it is then i have no fear. true love always keeps you near. you won't be far for long, my dear. & i'll never let you go once you're here.

you loved me
& i love you

i want to reach out and touch her hand
her hair is dyed pink but the blonde streaks show
her body is awkward and her skin is burnt at the shoulder
straps where she forgot to put sun block
and i want to reach out and feel her skin

there is a comfort in the familiar
we love what we know
and there is nothing more lovely
than knowing what she is because
it is what i am and i feel like i know
what will bring her joy and what will
bring her pain and there's something
so comforting about knowing that
her history is one of violence and pain but
she is of love and of kindness and
purity is over-rated but her heart is so
pure.

the history of man is ****** but
the history of woman is resilience.

how long i have admired the shape of
her body and it has taught me to love
my own.
i do not want to reduce my sisters to a
body or a touch because they are strong
and wild and honest and kind and there
is depth to them beyond being a kiss on
the lips and a stroll in the park.
i have such respect and longing for the
touch of kindness, one who has seen the war,
fights it now and fights it forever, but
loves you as if you were made of flowers.
she is made of flowers-
and iron and steel-
and blankets and cups of hot chocolate-
and truth and warships.

the touch of a man is pleasurable
but the touch of a woman is fulfilling.

looking at her now, i wonder if it is strange
to love her as a sister- as a warrior- as a leader
and to still love her as a lover- as a muse- as a body
to love a woman is to love a nation.
to love a woman is to love a war.
to love a woman is to love love.
to love a woman is to love yourself.

no one
can ever
replace you.

lovers
sinners
and best friends.

fun and emotional
support you were
everything.

continents away
and a couple
men later i know

it's always
going to be
me and you.

the movies always told me
that i'd have memories attached
to pieces of clothing
post-break-up i'd have to
go get a new wardrobe because
everything would smell too much
look too much
remind me too much
of you.

i find myself in the same
wardrobe, in the same clothes
because everything and nothing
reminds me of you
we spent such little time
wearing anything when we were
together because, like our relationship,
everything was always bare.

i find myself missing your skin
your smell, your touch,
your words, your fingertips
but my clothes do not carry
the weight-load of the memories
because i cannot remember
wearing anything except
you on top of me.

i tried to ignore it
this pull at my chest
like i'd taken my own
emotions as captives
in the bars between my
arteries
but you can't keep
running horses prisoner
and i feel the bars
loosen as it calls
out for home and
memories it craves
a new beginning
but in the same
place and i think
it's time i pack
my bags and return to
the old to start
anew
because this life,
no matter how hard you
try
you cannot out run it
you will run circles
and circles
in the same old fields
with the same
old feelings
until you realize
nothing
and everything
has changed.

i spray your perfume on my wrist
rub them together, hoping for the best
i see my veins swell as it crawls up my arm
tattooing your name through my bloodstream
my body is having an allergic reaction
to the smell of you, and i'm holding on
remember the smell of your skin that day
mid-afternoon, hidden away
i remember the first time i touched your chest
after that, i forget the rest
these memories are crawling on me like scars
and i rush to put my wrist under water
but its too late
or maybe its fate
i'm tattooed with the thought of you
my blood runs all shades of grey
my heart slows down, ready to take me away
in a trance, back in your arms
and the feeling of your lips on mine
back to those days when everything was alright
and home wasn't confined to a spray of a perfume
or the scent of the past
these days it seems home grows further
every time i get closer

there's more to 'i need you' than meets the eye
the deep pangs, in waves, that crash inside
the emptiness and loneliness
my body begging to be touched
the late nights and the early mornings
the pain that stabs without warning
when i see a couple with fingers intertwined
i go back to the days when you were mine
good & bad
ugly & true
there was so much more
to me and you
it's all gone now and
'i need you' doesn't do justice
no words, no poems
can describe how much i miss us

sitting on my bed
i asked you to show you your world
i had a flight to catch at 7am
but we stayed up till 3
going through memories on your phone
like your ex-girlfriend who you
broke up with because you didn't
want her to suffer by your side
and your sisters who are closer
to your dad than you'll ever be
your mom loves you so much
she calls you her entire world
i understand why
i revolve around you, too.
remember that night
under the blanket and stars?
you asked me if i had ever been in love
i said i was still trying to figure it out
but if love means that breath that got
stuck in my throat when your lips
came too close
or the feeling when you held out a hand
to help me climb on top of a roof
we weren't supposed to be on
hours after our plane landed
or when you carried me on your back
all the way back to my bed
the night i turned eighteen
if love is feeling rough around the edges
but full of all the light in the world
then i've been in love all along
but your lips never came close enough
and your arms let me go
tonight i mourn-
the death of a hero.

it's both a blessing and a curse
to forget so easily

"he...
he was
5 foot 7
with the most beautiful eyes
downward slanting
and oak-wood brown
laughs
and his hands
his hands
soft and sculpted
they were so delicate
and safe
but there
was strength
in them
he was
slender and...
laughs
actually, he fit
into my jeans
and it was really
funny because
i knew he would
but..
yeah, anyway
he had the best
hair like
the kind of hair
you'd want to
run your hands
through all
night and i could
never keep
my hands off of him
looks down
i've actually
been dreaming of
him and it was
a nightmare
where i was running
until
i run into his arms
and his
naked torso
was brown,
familiar,
warm and
so strong
i rushed into
his embrace
and whispered
let me hold you
it...
i'm getting off track
how to describe
this boy he
had strong arms
and he lifted me
off my feet
quite literally
his thighs were
like metal
and his shoulders
carried
the weight of the
world and
he carried
me
he had this
little spot
in between
his fingers
that i always
had a little
thing for
his smile
oh ****
grips stomach
i think i'm going
to throw up
thinking
of his laugh because
oh ****
it was the most
beautiful
and funny thing
you'd ever hear
he laughed like
the world wasn't
listening
it boomed
and oh my *******
god i can't breathe
clenches teeth
i can hear his laugh
when he
was happy and
so full of
confidence and
joy
holding my
hand as
we walked
out of the
cinema
****
don't remind
me of
the taste
of his LIPS
****
****
sorry
what did he look like,
you ask?
he was...
sits down
sorry
i'm...
things start going dark
****
listen
i don't feel
so well
can you
**** I CAN
FEEL HIM
ON ME
****
listen..
ah..
i...
..."