Don't Leave Me
I beg you
Please don't leave me
I want to clutch your shirt
I want to wrap my arms around your ribs
So I can feel them extend with each breath you take
I need your heat
And to fall asleep with my face hidden in your neck
Just for a moment I might not feel so *alone
Your name should grace my lips
While I feel your skin against my fingertips
Inside I'm screaming for you to return
Apologizing that it took so long for me to miss you
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
At least, not completely.

I was soul food for you
While you watched me starve

“You’ve ruined me.” She whispered as she ran her fingers through his damp hair. They were fresh from the shower, dripping water all over one another and soaking the sheets. He’d laid her down on top of her towel and made rough love to her in the chill of the evening air that came in through the open windows of his bedroom. Her declaration was quiet and muttered into the space behind his ear. He didn’t respond, at least, not with words. In the cover of darkness she couldn’t see his smile, but she felt the way his lips moved against her neck, and his slight chuckle where his chest rested over hers. He'd ruined her, just like she'd always asked him to, and it was beautiful.

Anger like thunder
Tears like rain
Shaking the ground
I'm a hurricane
I try even breathing
I scream and I shout
As hard as I try
I can't let it out
Nothing lasts forever
Except pain and despair
You know and I know
That I'm a nightmare
Lover take shelter
Find safety in midst the storm
Because I'm made of hell fire
But at least I'm warm

First sight is too little time but first word is just enough.
I felt the hook slide through my lip and it tasted sweet like lies.
Those words and syllables and ties and lies
Sent tingles from my lips to my hips to my fingertips.
It felt like paisley bandannas and lollipops
From the good old days when raindrops didn’t burn.
Each letter echoed through my ears and out through my nose,
Then I snorted them again like an addict would.
I breathed you and tasted you and pictured you.
I loved you just then.
Listen closely now because I want you to hear me
With your eyes and your lips.
Your ears can rest
Because all you need to know is that
I am not beautiful but I taste like roses.
When the air gets cold and
I can taste the peppermint of winter-time
I’ll think of you and know that you taste it to.
Even if you’re galaxies away and
Can’t hear me when I call you
I know that we are one because
I feel your heart beating
When the hammer slams down and your teeth hit mine.
When the kiss of death falls upon me and
You’re its deliverer and
I can’t breathe but I can scream,
I will surrender to your antics and
Fall slowly with you till the cotton candy clouds catch me.
I’ll know that you never even knew me but
You swept me away anyway.
I’ll love you then.

I envy you
For your ability to run
And hide from the things that you can't change
For having the nerve to say goodbye
And the means to flee
I am caught here in all of my lies
With no escape in sight
No end getting closer
Yet somehow I'll stay here
And you'll keep running away

Loving you
is like walking
through the rain
with an umbrella
made of sugar

Life is heavy
It sits behind my eyes
On my shoulders
In my chest
Sometimes the weight of it
Gets to be too much
And I find myself gasping for breath
But then I go home
Or as close to one as I have
And he smiles at me
Over a smoking bowl
Tells me stories that he didn't know he had
Curls up around me
Listens to me breathe
And in the dark and the silence
Ear pressed against his chest
His heartbeat steady
I can rest
And everything feels that much lighter

I don't know who you are
But you hide in my smiles
Hold me in my dreams
Whisper to my insecurities
And promise me the future

Nothing matters today
I keep breathing
The world keeps spinning
Someone somewhere is dying
Half a bottle in
With a stomach fulls of pills
Bleeding wrists
And tired eyes
Nothing matters today
Tomorrow nothing will change
Tears will be shed
Over the lives lost yesterday
Which seems to be today
Curious how that works
Nothing matters today
Nothing will matter tomorrow
Because in the end,
Nothing really matters

*The Suicide Diaries

Even though I don't remember the next morning
I know it reaked of violation and filth
The taste of my own tears lingered
Until the next day mid afternoon
Right before the sunset
Right after everyone let me be
If only for a moment

The morning after
When I woke up to a hostile sun
I screamed until my lungs were dry
And cried until my tears covered the kitchen linoleum
I ruined a new pair of clothes
And ripped out a few dozen stands of hair
Just because your fingers may have grazed them

In the shower I boiled the skin off my back
And tried to breathe water
Just to get the taste of you
Out of my eyes
I must've washed you off of me
At least a dozen times over
But I couldn't rinse the space behind my eyes
Where you left the most of yourself
Invasive and volatile

I had to tell my daddy
What happened to his baby girl
And watch him ache to break down your door
And straight into your chest
To take your heart
As some sort of payment
For what you've done
I watched my mother cry
And my sister cry
With pain that was never theirs to carry

And so each morning I wake up
To the memory of what you did
When I had just been out for a little fun
With sweet drinks that didn't taste like poison
Until you made them that way
When you touched me
When you had no right to do so
And I wonder if there's anything that I could have done differently

Since then every day
You **** me again
When I can't look someone in the eyes
Because I don't want to see their pity
Or their judgement, their doubt
When I'm scrutinized in the streets
Or my name is whispered
Behind a closed door
Or is screamed in my face that it was my fault
That it isn't an excuse

I'd rather die than face it
But I fear for my daughter
So I stay
To watch her
Protect her from my own fate
And shake quietly when I'm alone at night
Knowing you're loose
Waiting for someone to bring me some justice
To put you away
Leave you lying in a shallow grave
Anything to give me security again

But I have none
Because I have been robbed
And I smile to counteract it
And everyone tip-toes around the subject
Like it's a sleeping bear
That will maul them if they stir it up
But it's not an animal
It's something that happened to me
And everyone is so afraid of it

I had to be strong
But I'm afraid too
Afraid that it might never scab over
And become a scar
Because scars fade
But wounds bleed
And I am wounded
And every morning in the shower the blood drips from my ears
And leaks down the drain
When I have to look at MY body
That YOU used
And try to remember that I am strong
And that you haven't beaten me
Then wonder if that's really true

I have to make it true.

I Will Apologize
             Everday
      For the rest of This Life
         That I could not paste together
Your broken pieces
       or
        Brighten the darkness
              That haunts the spaces behind
Your eyes*
                      That's all I ever *Meant to Do

I finally met someone like me
He's sharp of wit
Charming in attitude
Smooth in conversation
Closed off in emotion
Supportive in nature
Understanding off loss
Non-committal to admissions
He is everything I have ever searched for
Yet because he is such
We can never be
For I am too much like him,
And he is too much like me
So alas I'll watching him pass
Just a drifter such as I
Such a shame it is to find perfection,
Only to watch it pass me by

I'm so sorry
To anyone and everyone
Who has ever
Found me lacking
To everyone who wanted
The love they thought I could give
But came up short

I'm so sorry
To anyone and everyone
I have ever failed
I tried so hard for you
But came up short

I'm so sorry
To anyone and everyone
Who has ever
Tasted my lips
And wanted me to want you
I came up short

I'm so sorry
Baby that I . . .
I wasn't enough for you
I love you so much
But I came up short

I'm so so sorry
Please don't hold it against me
Because I tried
But I don't have it in me
I always come up short
Always

I'm so sorry
I love you
I love you so much
It's still killing me
But I came up short
******* it
I came up short

How long until you give in
When missing me takes priority
Over all your pride
When the same dreams that haunt me
Overcome your sense of self
And you finally look at me
With my familiar blue eyes
And my freckles
That your lips have worshipped
A thousand times over
How Long?

Soft kisses
           Against
                   hesitant lips
Turns quickly too
              Hair pulling
                    *followed by 'i'm sorry'
then-suddenly it was love
             And I had no idea-how
                         too escape 'it'
but ****-painted, panted promises
            Are useless during
                        day lit seconds
Do not leave me beggin' for more
                 I could have destroyed you
      *instead, for you. I came - undone

I thought the nightmare
Was about him
But actually
It was about me

You see

Daddy,

They've been sending me sympathy cards in the mail
And
Stopping me in the streets to say how sorry they are
That
You left me so suddenly not so long ago
Daddy
They ask me how I'm doing
Like
My entire being isn't a shrine to your memory
The
Photo on the post office wall is simply my face in a crowd
Daddy
I'm afraid for what comes next
And
I miss you
And
I miss you
And
I

I search for you
In my sleep I reach for you
And my fingers grasp the blankets
My teeth find the plush of my pillow
I scream when I find you're gone

I ache for you
In the night I burn for you
And my fingers try to replace you
My lips tight over my teeth
I scream when I can breathe again

I call for you
In the evening when I get home
And my key still doesn't work right
My hands shaking
I scream when silence is what welcomes me

I wake up for you
In the morning when I'm making coffee
And I wish I hadn't woken up
My mind drifting to dark places
I scream when I find my heart still beating

I stay whole for you
In the moments when the foundation is cracking
And the sink is leaking
My wallet too small to fix what's wrong
I scream when everything remains broken

I live for you
In the desolate hole of our home
And I wish that I didn't
My heart broken
I scream when I know that's what you want

I scream

There’s a place on my neck that he used to kiss. As soon as his lips would press against my flesh, and his breathing would echo in my ear I would go numb in the best of ways. He would run his fingers through my hair and silence the demons that hide behind my eyes, only for a moment, but a moment was just long enough for me. I miss those days when the sun was up, but we weren’t, when my hair would fan out across his chest and his fingers would trace lines across my hips. I never understood what it meant when he would cling to me like he was poisoned and I was the anecdote until I was the one who was gasping for air and he had already slipped away. I crave him like I crave the breath of smoke in my lungs after I exhale a drag from a cigarette. He’s far away now, off in his own mind even as I sit beside him. His eyes rarely find mine anymore, mostly because that’s where he read the “I love you’s” my lips could never form. I never wonder if he misses me because I’m too afraid to find what the answer could possibly be. No matter how many hello’s follow the most certain part of goodbye is the underlying tone that means it will be forever.

I fell down today
The world was spinning
But I was standing still
I caught myself against the cheap siding
Of this familiar house
I stopped breathing for a moment
Then I took my wobbly knees
And my unfocused eyes
Right back inside
To hide from everything
That shifted the ground under my feet

You are the smoke in my lungs
The whiskey in my glass
A full pack of cigarettes
And a half empty bottle of wine
You are all the things that I love
That are destined to **** me
*I want to taste you

Love was when you held me because I was crying.
You held me even though I belonged in someone else's arms.
You held me because he was passed out and I was alone.
You held me because you loved me.

Love was when I finally left you one last time.
I left you because you can do better than my broken heart.
I left you because someone beautiful smiled at you like I do.
I left you because I love you.

Love is when we see each other and we smile with our teeth showing.
We smile because we were good together.
We smile because if we don't we might cry.
We smile because we love each other, and that will never change.

Come to me tonight
Let me kiss you with chapped lips
And pour ***** down your throat
Tell me about the women you've loved
Caressed and then broken
Left behind or forgotten
Light up a cigarette
And speak through a veil of smoke
Tell me about the promises you made
To the one's you've hurt
The ones you didn't keep
Let me wrap you in my arms
In the cover of this darkness
And listen to you breathe
While you tell me lies about staying
I'll kiss your neck
And you'll bite my ear
The liquor on our breath will mingle
You'll teach me about pain
I'll show you love
In that moment you will be beautiful
All alone in your thoughts
Sitting beside me in the dark
Then we'll both fall asleep
To the song our silence makes

Loneliness is watching you smoke in the dimness of your porch-light and knowing that I can never join you

Please love me
Hold me while I sleep
Whisper to me while I dream
Wake me from my nightmares
Let me lay across your lap
And finger paint hearts on your chest
Write poems about your promises
Kiss away your lies
Tell me that I matter
That I mean something
If to no one else than to you
Stay with me through November
When my smile doesn't reach my eyes
Make me cups of coffee
Pet my hair
Understand my sadness
And let me stay inside
Bring me fallen leaves from the garden
And dandelions with all their wishes still intact
See me as I am
Not how I want you to
Love me anyway
*Please love me anyway

here you will find me naked
   without all my layers
                   of long silences
or calm reassurances
                                                         here
            you will find me confessing
       to Each and every
                   secret that could've just as easily been a lie

                          HERE
          YOU will find ME
More bare
             laid out in front of you
    honest and wild than when
                    we made love with the curtains open in the early morning before you went to work and I went to sleep



here
i am
                       How Dare You
               Look at me
                              out of
     Jealousy
   *mistrust
           *Fear

People like me
We don't want pretty pictures
We crave the darkest parts of you
The lies you tell
The secrets you keep
All of the sinister thoughts in your head
Your personal form of self destruction is captivating to us
The way the light fades from your eyes
It's enticing

People like me
We won't hesitate to find your flaws
We'll point them out to you
And tell you that they don't matter
The thing you hate the most about yourself
It fascinate us
We'll seek it out and make it a part of us
Rejoice in it
Then make your hatred for it dissipate

People like me
We see beauty in everything
We'll find a rose in a field of ashes
Then pick it just to steal its essence from the world
We'll search for the most sacred elements  of who you are
Then we'll keep them for ourselves
Because deep down we are selfish
We don't want to share you
We want everyone to know that you are ours

People like me
We'll love you
So much so that it surrounds you
Encases you like a prison
But you won't want to escape
We'll love you in a way that feels like a gift
Something to cherish and show to the world
You'll be caught up in it
And you won't notice when it begins to fade

People like me
We're the reason for songs about lost love
Many a night has been spent
Drinking away our memory - or trying to
We are the one who got away
The best thing that ever happened you
The person you can't live without
Our memory will taste sweet
But eventually you'll reject the flavor

People like me
We'll leave you behind a veil of promises-
Promises that we just can't keep
We say that we will love you forever
Then we do it - from a place miles away in the middle of the night
We say that we will never leave you
Then we don't- for the feeling of us never fades
We say that we'll give you our hearts
Then we hand them to you- but they'll crumble to dust in your grasp

People like me
We are lonely
Every second of our lives is spent searching
Or waiting for the right time to leave
When that time has come
We smile and swear that it is for the best
Then cry tears that are dry before we walk away
We sweep up the pieces of ourselves that we gave to you
Then try to put them back together without the ones we missed

People like me
We will ruin you
Everything we do is so fresh- so innocent
We find joy in places where there is only sorrow
Worse yet we bring order to all of your chaos
We make the stars shine brighter for you
Then we steal ourselves back
Hide ourselves away in someone else and all of their messes
Till you can't love again because we were the first and no one compares

People like me
We destroy people like you
And we're so, so sorry

What is there left to say?
I've run out of tears
I've run out of pain
Two long years you've been away
What is there left to say?

*The Suicide Diaries

You go ahead and lie again
We both know what will happen then
Right up until your lips touch mine again
I'll go ahead and ask where you've been
You'll tell me that you love me and then
"Tell me dear, Where you been?"

You said you wouldn't leave me
Yet here I am all alone trying to sleep
My arms aren't as good as her sheets
I thought you'd never cheat or mistreat me?
But you're in her bed fast asleep
Please, make her smile about the stains on her sheets

I see when she calls you on the phone
Don't smell like her when you come home
Or some night you might be sleeping alone
When I don't pick up my phone
I'm what makes this hole your home
Let's see how you fare in this world alone

I liked it when he pulled my hair
When he growled and sunk his teeth into my neck
An emotionless grudge ****
Without any love or bare skin

I liked it when he told me I was *****
When he laughed in my tired face
And pushed me to the couch
Smothered me with a pillow

I liked it when he owned me
When he turned me black and blue
In the heat of all his passion
And with his bare hands

I liked it when it hurt
When he smiled before he left for the night
Every moment that I loved him
The best moments of my worn out numb life

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one I swore I wouldn't do
Not so easy to blame me
Now that the cuts are on my arms

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one you gave him credit for
Not so easy is it?
Now that he's back and afraid

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one that makes him call me
Not just to talk about nothing
Now that I'm dying he wants to hear me

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one that makes me cry in the shower
Not just because I'm sad
Now that I know I have nothing to cry for

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one that you hate so much
Not just because I'm off
Now I'm your problem to

Have you ever watched a constant fade and die?
Realized that something you loved was a lie?
I just hope I can erase this from my mind.
I wish that out last goodbye had been the last time.
So that all the good memories didn't lose their shine.
I want life to be a clock that I could turn back in time.
That I could go back to when everything was fine.
When I didn't know the truth and you were beautiful and mine.
The world was ours to shape and design.
Now you're just the liar on the other line.

Externally we're a fortress
Built on a mountain conceived of pride
Fearlessly we shine when hit by the sun's ray
But our foundation is made of porcelain
Our walls of glass
We are breakable, dangerously so
Everyday we crumble a bit more
Under the weight of ourselves
The very matter we're made of
Slipping further from the mountaintop
Yet you would never know from the way we look at a distance
Stunning and unobtainable
It's only when you come closer
When you bother to step inside our walls
And hear to the crunch of your footsteps
In our darkest places where all you can do is listen
Can you begin to grasp just how fragile we really are
So do not let us deceive you into thinking you aren't allowed inside
For every fortress was created so that it's beauty could be admired
Inside and out

There's a giant gaping hole in my life.
I don't know where it came from.
I don't know how to fill it.
I drink myself stupid and smoke myself to sleep.
Cigarettes fill my lungs but my heart is missing a beat.
At first I thought it was you but it isn't.
I want to text someone.
Say something! For the love of god please. Please say something
I can't find the number.
I can't find the name.
I don't know what's missing.
How can I miss something so much and have no idea what it is.
Help me. I need someone to help me.
I'm scared that I'll forever be incomplete.
Searching for the missing piece that I had.
That I didn't even know I lost.
What am I missing?
*What am I missing?

.Friday the twenty seventh of October at twelve thirty nine PM

-I am getting worse day to day, meaning that I am sad again. Real sad. Try anti-depressants even though they don't work sad. It's funny that I use that word since really it's empty that I feel . . . Or maybe hopeless. Call it whatever you want.
The thing about it though- is that I don't know who to tell. Half of everyone I know can relate which means no one even cares. I'm guilty of the same thing. "Just keep pushing it'll pass." Right? I love my job, my relationship is good, and we're financially stable. Nothing in my life is going wrong so I can't pass the blame onto some little problem. I spent nine hours cleaning my house on Wednesday hoping that I would feel better. I slept all day Thursday hoping that I would feel better. I wrote it down today hoping that I would feel better, but I don't. I don't feel better. Who am I supposed to call about things like this?

Not my sister because she's run out of things to say. There are only so many times you can be sad for no actual reason and expect someone to say something new. I decline therapy. It's expensive and I don't want to talk about a bunch of things that I've already gotten over, and pills? What are pills? I've been down that road and then down even further for . . ? Nothing. For nothing.


So what am I supposed to do when I'm carrying boxes and suddenly want to hurt myself? I've never been a cutter. Never been a burner. I want the weirdest kinds of pain. I want to snap a rubber band on my wrist or bite myself until I bleed. Crazy **** that doesn't make any sense to me. I work out everyday. I drink water. I bathe. I eat.

Honestly I'm really high functioning. I don't really spend a lot of time talking to other humans anymore, but I can chalk that up to losing my super empath powers I guess. I call it independence but it could just be exaustion. I'm so tired of self diagnosing. I can tell you what's wrong with someone else in thirty seconds flat yet somehow my own sadness continuously baffles me.

I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm not going to **** myself or do something crazy. I used to cheat on my boyfriend or let someone hit me during ***, but I've grown out of that kind of stupid behavior. For awhile I was writing essays about how to get through what I'm going through which were awesome for a lot of people but don't help me at all

Maybe I'm doomed to save everyone in the world other than myself. That would make sense since there's nothing I can do about my condition. If that's what I want to call it. So I guess maybe I'm just having a bad time.
I'm sure it will pass soon.

In a nutshell you are the ocean
And I am a toy boat
Caught in the waves
We collided and I was sent rolling . . .
Rolling
MDMA, lovers speed
You taste good but you could **** me
My personal brand of ectasy
Or maybe you're LSD
You changed me
The chemicals in my brain
Will never be the same
I'm stained
Acid psychosis
Too many doses
But what I like most is
You running through my veins
I marked the needle with your name
You're the flame under the spoon
One pin-***** takes me to the moon
It's over too soon
Then I'm jonesing
Can't stand to be alone see,
But time is pretty crystals
A quarter is too pricey
Days go by and I'm spun out
Strung out
Hard to find time when the sun's out
What can I say, I guess I'm a ******
Losing my mind when you leave me
But the high is like no other
We might **** each other
It's out of control
But your eyes are the color of my soul
And I want you to stay
****, please don't walk away
Just one more hit and I'll be there
Don't go, just say you care
And I'll keep nodding
Brain rotting
Veins buzzing
That good loving
*I need you

It still hurts
Missing you
Even though I can have you
At a moments notice
Fingertips on cool glass
You'd be happy to hear from me
This time of year
When we were together most
You were on break
I was inside
But it isn't the same
It just isn't
And I can't surpass the differences in between

I hid myself
In your sadness
So I would never
Have to admit to
My own  

I feel your heartbeat in my chest
                                  I still see you
                                           When I look in the mirror
                    You echo in my eyes

                       The definition of me
         Shows your name
             In bold print
Right beside the word “love”
  That comes after the word “lost”
         My wrists are tattooed
    With invisible scars
  Lines that you
      Left there every time you cut yours
  Every other breath
  That enters or exits my lungs
  Belongs to you
  Because it should have been yours
  As you sat beside me
    Telling me stories
              And kissing my ears
                                                Thank you
                         For being a lifetime’s worth
               Of warm hugs
And “I’m sorrys”
And “Stop worrying and go to sleeps”
For showing me
What it means to live
Watching something beautiful
Wilt and die
Because the beauty of every moment
Somehow tastes
So much sweeter now

*The Suicide Diaries

I've lost my bottled happiness
And here I am stooping low
         then lower again
I was happy once

I think of men much like I think of dogs

I'm initially weary of all the strange ones
I keep my distance and speak softly in case they might bite

After I meet them a few times and they're consistently friendly I'll let my guard down a little

Even then though they will still sometimes bite even if you think you know them

I've encountered enough biting dogs that I'm starting to fear dogs as a species

Which, as it turns out, dogs can sense and they don't like

I don't want to dislike dogs.
I've loved plenty of very good dogs in my life.

There are many dogs that I'm excited to see when they approach me
That I'll give treats and belly rubs to

But people that don't know me well think that I don't like dogs

When they see me interact with them on our first meeting they think I'm mean and crass

But in reality I'm just afraid and trying my best not to show it because they'll sense that fear in me

And chase me back to my truck
Or bite me
Or snarl and snap at the air to watch me dance for them

One mean biting dog will make you wary of dogs for a short time
But then you forget

It's only after many biting dogs
Many scary dogs
That it starts to wear on you
That you get nervous of all of them

But you tell someone their dog bites and they don't believe you

They say its never done that before
They ask you what you were doing when it bit you

They tell you that you should've have been in their yard
Like they didn't invite you there

So it's not that I don't like dogs
It's that dogs don't always like me

And they're one of the greatest dangers that I face on a daily basis

I'm a dog person
I'm also just an animal that runs on instinct

I am left gasping for air again
Laying on the ground
With a cigarette between my lips
Because the only way my lungs will open
Is with a cloud of smoke
My heart is obsessed with self destruction
Because it is my body that wants to die
Not my mind
That's the thing about depression
It's a deadly state of being
Not a troublesome emotion
Thank you Marlboro for giving me another day
You'll **** me slower than trying to breathe on my own