Broken ceramic plates
And
Cracked porcelain dolls
And
Glass shards scattered on table-tops
Cannot
Describe how incomplete I feel.

I am hopeless and broken
and not worthy of you at all.
My skin is thick like leather
and my bones are as fragile as robin’s eggs.
I break each time I bend
and I have no push so I just give.
My eyes are not blue but grey.
Not grey but dead and lifeless.
My hair falls flat and is thin like smoke.
I am not beautiful, but I am a disaster.
I love you
*That's all I have to offer

I'm feeling low today
*Like an airplane scraping tree tops

I'm basking in sadness
Like lovers do after heated love-making
It coats my skin and leaves me aching for more
Another taste of the pleasure of agony
The only difference is I'm alone
There's no one there tangled up in the mess of me
And in the throes of my passion
There was no one to witness the arch of my back
Or my teeth digging into the softness of the pillow
The bruises it left aren't hand-shaped,
And they lie underneath my skin instead of coloring it
Sweet agony is a lonely existence
Yet one that I invite into the emptiness of my bed as often as I can

I hid myself in your sadness
So I would never have to admit to my own
Now I'm left to suffer alone
But I still feel like I should
Thank you for showing me
What it means to live
Watching something beautiful wilt and die
Because the beauty of every moment
Somehow tastes so much sweeter now

*The Suicide Diaries

We will all fall
Just like the leaves
Ending all
The tears we bleed
At seasons change
Our pain will end
Remember me
Goodbye my friend

*The Suicide Diaries

You taste sweet
Like chocolate kisses and fresh raindrops
You're a warm ray of sunshine
Tickling the cooled skin on my arms
And my quivering lips
You're a soothing melody for when I can't sleep
You're all the things I want to keep


When I was a child he was my plaything
The teddy bear that I cuddled with
And the mirror that I used
When I wanted to learn how to kiss
He is the the song that played on repeat in the back of my mind
The hard piece of bubblegum that cost only a dime

You are my future
He is my past
He was the first
But darling, you are the last

Depression feeds on difficult situations
That doesn't mean if fades when living should be easy

You have a failure for a wife
But I will always love you so

I know how lonely it is to be a tree
To watch November come and my leaves fly away
Because you were my leaves
Beautiful and vibrant on the way to death.
So much so it's a wonder why you were ever alive.

*The Suicide Diaries

When I get low I get way down
Everyone's around
But this feels like a ghost town
I want to scream but I can't make a sound
I wish I could stay but I'm floating away now

I want to be alone
But I don't want you to go
There are words I can't say but I want you to know
I want you to stay but I'm going so low

My heart has never
Been broken by a lover
Never have I been
Left wanting by someone
Who knew my absolute
Darkest or most intimate
Flaws
Moans
Secrets
Edges
I have never tasted
The bitter rejection or
Mind numbing heart
Break that seems
To be the focus of
Many a poem that
Was written during
A fit of
Loneliness in the dead
Of a long, long night
My heart breaks in
The most selfish of
Ways for those who
Have left me when
I begged them
Desperately to
Stay not for one more
Night of reckless
Love-making but
To live out the
Rest of the life that
They were offered but refused
So passionately
To take

I'm holding back anger today
Boiling with it
It's waiting on my tongue to escape my lips
Ready to sting anyone who comes too close
Too bad a bee sting does more harm to the bee
Than the one who inspired it to act in the first place

I wish I knew how to play the guitar
Maybe then I could hear the song
That I strum on your shoulder blades
Every night
To coax you to sleep

I am a musician-
Thank you for being my instrument

Maybe we all write about the same things
Because life is unfair to everyone
And we all know the same pain
Because we are the watchers
We are the feelers
We are the poets
And while some people go along
Completely oblivious to the hell around them
We're the ones condemned by it
Because we're the one who see it
And breathe it
And write it
So good luck to you
All of you who write away the same sorrows that I do
Because it doesn't get better from here
I wish for your sake that you had never noticed

I gave you three seasons
But Autumn wouldn't have us
Or rather, you would no longer have me.
In turn, it became my safe Haven,
Autumn.
Needless to say,
Winter has smiled upon us quite early this year.

Someone told me once
That depression was
Overwhelming sadness

I know now
That depression is
Feeling nothing at all

Someone told me once
That life was
What I made it

I know now
That life is
Whatever it feels like being

Someone told me once
That love was
Just a feeling

I know now
That love is
Terrifyingly unconditional

Someone told me once
That you were
But a man

I know now
That you are
But a man with wings

Someone told me once
But I know now

. . . Does she
                   Kiss you goodbye before
    You leave for work in the morning?

Do you miss her on the week nights
        That she doesn't spend in
   your (our) bed?

             Do you think she picks out
   Places she wants to go
        On the map printed on the
             Inside of the shower curtain
That I only bought
                            Because you liked it

       I find something to miss about you
Every
                  Single
             Day
But it doesn't hurt like it used to

I'm not asking
         Because I'm afraid that you love her

I'm afraid that maybe, you don't . . .

It's so tiring
To be someone's first love
Over and over
The first person
To put light in their eyes
And the first person
To steal it back
The first fond memory
Tainted by
The first heartache
It is so tiring to be
Both the best
And the worst thing
To ever happen
To someone that
Isn't your first love,
But one of the many
You'll hate to see go

I was so in love
With you
And your bedroom
In the shed you called an apartment
And I spent a year with you
Keeping my demons quiet
Until you got too loud
And now I miss you in the cold
When I'm sad
And I want to be held
Just right
We can watch bike tricks on a loop
Or someone play video games
That you couldn't afford
Not forever
Just got one more day
Maybe once a year
Our little secret

All these kids tryna **** me
But they come in at second best
All these kids tryna love me
Guess you gave me a complex

I like the way you feel
And how we laugh
But sometimes it's hard
To let go of the past
I want to never think
Of the time in between
When I was yelling
And he was mean
When his lips were familiar
Just like his sly grin
I love you, honey
But I still want him

Washed a happy pill down
With three pain killers
And coffee laced with Jack
Slept through the night
But woke up low
Stayed there through the morning
Till the drugs set in
Only thing on my mind
*Here we go again

It's an odd thing
How I was so loved
When I was made up entirely of flaws
Every mistake I made was forgiven
Each new promise taken with a grain of salt
Yet now that I am better
More genuine and whole
With no apologies to hand out
Over mistakes of the new day
Everyone I love is gone
And I am all alone
Shiny and new
But I'm beginning to think
That bettering myself
Isn't worth losing everything else

"You can't speak to him like he does to you. He is standing on the ledge darling. Speak to him like you would someone with a fear of heights - who's just begun to look down. That. That is how you love him."

Bleached hair
and lined eyes
Looking through
a veil of lies
Red lips
vampire smile
She's going out
she'll do it in style
***** filled kisses
liquor on her breath
Hiding the fact
that she's a mess
Cigarette clouds
float up into the sky
She's feeling down
and she doesn't know why

*The Suicide Diaries

Here I am
All alone
Breathing
Filling the empty room
With worthless used air
Where are you
Off with her?
Dancing
To a stupid dubstep song
Another tablet melting on your tongue?
It's so late
But I can't sleep
Because you're not in bed
Miles away
Waiting to hold me in my dreams
Thanks, love
For thinking of me

Every wavering breath
Is more peaceful than the last
Holding a sharpened knife
Bleeding away the past
Sometimes the world is grey
And I just feel numb
Sometimes I want to slip away
With the smoking barrel of a gun
Yet each morning I wake up
Blue skies or rain
I dress myself in lies
To try to hide the pain
And here I am again
Breathing in the sorrow
The only thing I wonder
Is if I'll wake up tomorrow

*The Suicide Diaries

. . . Ouch . . .

I search for you
In my sleep I reach for you
And my fingers grasp the blankets
My teeth find the plush of my pillow
I scream when I find you're gone

I search for you
My eyes scan crowds
Until I catch a glimpse of black hair
My breath catches
And my tongue finds my cheek

I search for you
When my phone rings
The ringtone I don't have
Still plays in my mind
I hear you

I search for you
When I make inside jokes
Waiting for someone to laugh
The flicker of recognition
That flashed in your eyes

I search for you
When I touch him
And his breath tickles my neck
His eyes scan my nakedness
I nearly call out your name

I search for you
When I look in the mirror
And I don't recognize myself
I am no longer beautiful
The way you described in scribbled letters

I search for you
In my dreams
I beg for you to stay
Then you smile and leave me
Did you smile when you died?

I search for you
Every breath that I take
I feel your heartbeat
In my chest
You owned me, and I owned you

I search for you

Just a second closer to suicide or death.
Whichever comes first leaves behind what's left.
Tell me please lover, which would you prefer?
I'm taking one option and leaving the other for her.
A silent quiet drift away or a violent ****** mess
Give me some notice so I know how to dress
Something pretty and pink or something harsh and black
It'll be a shame to ruin pretty things when you stab me in the back
So please tell me now honey, please just let me know
Should I be afraid to die, or excited to go?
The answers at the bottom of this big jar of pills
Should I take them all right now or one at a time for the thrill?
So wave goodbye darling for this is it for me
I'll let you know if this is as beautiful as you always wanted it to be.

*The Suicide Diaries

Try to write poetry
I said
It will make you feel better
I said
What if the words won't come?
I ask myself.
Get medicated then.
I reply.




No.

I walked for miles today
With nowhere to go but away from memories of you
I came home with weak legs
And a tired heart
With so much more distance to travel

God I'm so proud of you
You found the things that you want
I hope she's beautiful
And I hope she cares
If I know you at all
Which I know I do
You'll give them everything
Everything you gave to me
Last night you said we
And my heart broke
But swelled just as quickly
With joy
With regret
With pride
I hope it's everything baby
You deserve everything

Even When
My lingerie is
Scattered across the floor
And there are
Rope burns on both my wrists
I am not as tied down
               As I was when there was nothing
                                             Holding me


I can't get away from it

How many times
Have I dressed up I'm sorry
Passed blame onto different parts of myself
Pieces of who I am
Juggling reasons
Motivations behind my mistakes
How many frightened goodbye's
Please don't leave me's
I'll always love you's
Have graced your tired ears
Remember when I broke you
Once
Twice
Then again
It used to taste so sweet
That first mending kiss
The one that sewed us back together
Our present, our future
Now there's a tear
That can
But won't be mended
So once again
I'm sorry
Not for the usual things
The ones I can fix
But for the things that I can't
Like you
And like me
The spaces in between

*** at 10am
***** at two
Whiskey at six
To forget about you

Everclear at midnight
Water at one
This isn't one of those nights
When I'm drinking for fun

*The Suicide Diaries

******* lie to me, love.
Tell me that you'll still be here tomorrow.
When our tired eyes won't stay open through the night.
Tell me that you love the way my hair falls over my shoulders and down my back.
Tangle yourself up in me and kiss my smoky lips.
Leave bruises on my sides in the shape of your hands and force me to remember that you were the one who put them there.
Stop and let the feeling of your lips on my forehead burn its self into my memory.
Roll out of bed and put on your clothes before the sun comes up to shine on your regrets.
I'll pretend to sleep and let you go.
Even though we both know that I'm faking, and that you're a liar.
Steal my favorite bra and the rest of my dignity to go with it.
Take with you the memory of the way your name left my lips while I smiled from beside you in the low lights.
I hope every song that played while you learned my darkest secrets echos over in your head while you're driving or trying to fall asleep.
Maybe you'll taste me on your next cup of coffee, or your bed will feel empty without my heat.
Perhaps you'll see my smile on the face of someone else, or another lover will grip your shirt while they sleep.
The thing about tonight is that your lips are chapped and I feel like a promise you might be able to keep.
I whisper in your ear and my fingers feel nice running through your hair.
I'm not afraid to share my cigarettes, and I sleep on the side of the bed you didn't want anyway.
Tell me you'll stay.
******* lie to me, love.

You enjoy the *** and the *****
All the things I could never give to you
I'll enjoy my solitude

Pet her hair in the dark
Rest your hands on her hips
Tell her she's yours

Forget our midnights
Lies told under starlight
I was afraid you might

Sleep in her bed again
Steal her blankets
Kiss her with morning breath

Don't watch me walk anymore
You told me you did before
Staring through the glass in the door

Tell her I'm nothing
That I was a child
That she is a woman

Don't love me
Or anything I'll never be
The things even I can't see

Walk away with her
Into the sunset
Or wherever it is you go

When you're not around

The day snuck up on me this year
Five years is starting to feel long
You're no longer my yesterday
Darling you're just gone