I'll shut me down
I can't see anything left to save
We collapse and she relapses into all that she gave
An autopsy, an eternal grave:
These aren't the colours that I should see

Pitter patter-
My tears on these white tiles
I feel the pain but tell myself it will be for a short while
Another person, another person who think of cutting off their life line
I wish I'd live a simple yet satisfying lifetime.

Littler streams running down, running down my face
I want to disappear, don't want to be in this place
Finally could see why suicide is a big 'craze'
I may be alive but not living, I just go with the days.

As I get older, I get better at telling lies
When I was young(er), I was brave, but now I'm painfully shy
Persons around me keep changing for the worst, I don't know why
To make it in their world very hard I try.

The darkest humour,
A comedy
I’m laughing although it is killing me
You watch me bleed, yeah.

Brains don’t feel pain…

Especially daddy’s
When he had a tumour growing in it
Messed up his memory
Also, his sanity

Since then he cannot see
He went completely blind
Nerve cells rarely heal
Especially the ones that run to the eyes

Surprise
For two weeks
He felt it ill
Slight fever with no heat

He felt slightly weak
Then he woke up blind
Everything was dark
His optic nerves his tumour did find


He said everything was black
He flew out of the country
After a month, he came back
He didn’t die, alive was my daddy


Ten years, three months later
I put my pen to paper
I know I wouldn’t remember
‘Cause daddy and I don’t get better.


The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
I am of my father
Dementia: him, schizophrenia: me
Isn’t it a laughter?

That’s my happily ever after...

Responsibilities
I grow diseased
And
Reconsider these
Atrocities

My memories long gone
You expect me to move on
And to grow from where I've spawned
Mourning melodies for remedies

I know they'll never come
So I live out dreams through song
Deep down, feeling scarred and wrong
Mourning melodies 'til morning

My love, she's not responding!

Unrealistic-
Expectations
Sends me ballistic,
I can't function!

Animalistic-
The beast in me won't stay in its grave!

A mental misfit-
Tell me am I too much to save?

These pastel colours are painted on my life pallet:
Love and Laughter,
Rage and Regret
The memories I'm after
The memories I want to forget
The red and blues are abused

These aren't the colours I should see!
How could I tell you?
You never come through-
It is killing me
I'm at the point where it hurts so much I hurt myself
Don't you understand the meaning of 'help'?

Embrace me tightly
Until I can't breathe
Until all the love I have for you recedes

Pinch my cheek
To draw red water
To coat your surface
Wear me like decor

Wrap around me
And pierce my lungs
Leave me speechless
From lack of tongue

Become the very air
I respire
And love me as
You're made of barded wire

Whatever you say
I'm up to the task

I try but I know
I'll never be good enough

Realistic expectations,
Is that too much to ask?

Must be the best,
Nothing less
Than perfection

In everything I do,
I do it all for you
No room to fail with these 'expectations'

With every cut that's red,
With every bruise that's blue
I'll fall apart for you
For 'expectations'

With every tear I shed,
With every mask I bred,
There's nothing to be said,
I'm suffocating

The high bar has been set
There are goals to be reached
I can't stop until death
Either yours or one for me

In the belly of the beast,
We shall feast
On ourselves released
In the eye of the eel,
We see and feel
Schizophrenia revealed

I'm not myself anymore,
I AM MANY!
Hopeful but ignored,
I AM SCHIZZY!
I'm Joenymous,
I'm Johannah,
But truely not, only if I must.

In the claws of the cruel,
O'er me they rule.
They reject wisdom.
The kingdom come,
I'll try to see.
Being not ourselves,
That's what we must pretend to be.

I'm running out of moonlight,
Soon it will end, the nightfall
Dawn would break, and I'll live to see the daylight
And fall apart at sunrise

Keep myself together while the moon shines
Cause at the sunbeams I fall apart.

I look at him
And I see me
The apple doesn't fall
Far from the tree

Trying to preserve what's left of me,
In terms of my sanity.

Life: school + work breaks,
I need a break
Life: school + work breaks,
I need a break

Before it breaks me.

I'm not afraid to hurt
Won't let anyone get into my way
That includes all of you,
And also me.

She stares
With a bagpack and a ribbon in her hair
I care
But the words have never left my tongue

I'm concerned she's scared
Of how I treat myself

It makes me fear
What she will do
It was only the tip of the iceburg

What if she only knew?

My mind destabilizes
My memory departs
Empty horizons
Dark storm clouds lurk

Laying out the bricks
I'm building up a wall
Now for my latest tricks
Is it you or I behind the bars?

So weird,
So unaccustomed,
I see it clearer now
That good can't really blossom.
The fear,
It really runs on
My state of mind,
I find
That soon I will be done, down.

Been knocking on the doors for help like bang, bang, bang.
The alarms always sound that way, they always rang, rang, rang.

Just like this
Things always have been
Yet
It is so
Foreign to me.

So weird,
So unaccustomed,
I see it clearer now
That good can't really blossom.
The fear,
It really runs on
My state of mind,
I find
That soon I will be done, down.

Been knocking on the doors for years like bang, bang, bang.
The alarms always sound that way, they always rang, rang, rang.

Just like this
Things always have been
Yet
It is so
Foreign to me.

Crying, hurting inside
Emotions I tend to hide
Being normal I tried
Which led to my suicide...

Tendencies, it is SO ME.
Alive, I don't want to be
They keep on torturing me
Especially my own family...

Mother, she won't believe
She makes me want to leave
True self I cannot reveal
What greatness can I achieve?

Think a little harder, start trying,
Someone you know is dying
Open your ears, open your eyes and try to
Don't let us be lost to suicide

Silent screams,
Not just my dreams,
What I experience's real
It makes me what to ****,
Let this, my body be still

Would you like to be my friend?
Help me escape?
Be the light of my life
And not a dark cape?

Do you mind I'm dead?
My pleasure's your pain?
What you call serious matters
To me, are just games?

It's putting thoughts
Into my head
I thought
That's what they said

Not real,
It didn't happen
Now look who's
The last ones laughing

Conversions that goes unheard of
By everyone except me
But I was there,
I sw**r,
These aren't the colours I should see.

I want my mental soundness,
But there are so many sounds
Most of them do not exist
Too late this was found

My state of mind we detest
But my delusions don't give me rest
And they refuse to confess
Again I fail the retest

Honey to my eyes,
Liquor for the soul.
The chicken soup has lost its taste,
The peas porridge lies cold.
Skin stretched across the ribcage,
Brains rid of juices; lotion:
Twas a death so dramatic
She died in slow motion.

I'm not very smart
This is of myself
I gave you my heart
And hope that you help
To...

Keep me together
Keep me from falling apart
But I shouldn't have done that
After I gave you my heart

The pounding sound of heartbeats drown me in their noise
My eardrums on the verge of bursting, but I have no choice
Taken over by the soundwaves, lost in a cloud of rot
My ears are bleeding, because of your voices, I can't stop.

Surprised that I distrust myself,
You don't even trust me!
Just living the way I'm raised,
But is that the way to be?

Do not like my different ways,
Say it's okay to be unique!

Your sayings alarm me
Your paradox knocks me,
Your words confuse me,
Your words are, you act so
Confusingly contradictory.

The moons are all neon
A biohazard still fabulous
The apocalypse is upon us
Let the population die

Together we'll grow extinct
Our species already endangered
The moons are still neon, my love
We'll dance to death in the burning lights

I'm sick of these transfusions
I always have to give
You're always the one dying
And you need my blood to live

Universally you recieve
But very picky how you donate
As a universal giver
This I don't appreciate

Not everybody can love me
Not everyone has what it takes
Only my kind,
I find,
Can love me, and love me straight

No matter the circumstances,
My love never be returned
Because our transfusion doesn't work that way
You leave me dry,
To die
And burn

Please stand by, we're having some technical difficulties
We are dealing with the static disturbance
The colourbars are staring right back at me
What a horrible turn of events

Maybe it's time to cut the act
Everything is ruined in moments
I always infect and ruin everything
No matter the type of event

What if I do them a final favour
And just **** myself?
Let me
Put them out of their misery

My problematic existence has always been a waste
I can never get anything right
This worthless circus monster should be rid of with haste
I can't even do that right

Let me
Put you out of your misery
And end it all
It shouldn't be hard to build you up
By having an eternal fall

I'm sorry, it's my fault
I should cut off my tongue
My skull should be bashed in
My neck should be rung

Let me
Put you out of your misery
Can't tell you I'm falling apart
I am worthless, my opinion doesn't matter
Just hurry up and put a knife through my heart

Thinking of all their time that's been wasted because of me
It's a shame their efforts are for naught
Considering that I'll never amount to anything good enough
I was woth it, back then I thought

Inside my static dreams
Are acid screams

A sphere of broken glass
Spins
On alone a string,

If you pull my cords right,
You'll make me sing

Every time I look,
All I ever see,
I wish it didn't show:
All I'll never be.

All I never am;
What you want of me,
Sorry that we're ******,
Sorry that I'm me.

I'm totally fine,
Yeah,
Totally feeling
The disease you don't believe in

You say everthing has its season,
But my mind, it isn't healing!

Your 'training' leaves me tired
Pain makes me uninspired
Unless by you it's fired
From life, just might retire

Unnecessary work of art;
Cursed to write down my heart,
Most of the time, life's hard.
Nonphysical *******, charmed:
I harm, I harm
(Me).

Unnecessary emotion
Eternal confusion
Darkness and light fusion
No reality, just perception
Used up 'till done
(Me).

Torn margin, yellow age
Empty whites, nothing pages
Much powder, talcum trees
Birds, endoskeleton, bees
Shredder circling claws reach
Ring, ring, ting, and some bleach
Mula lost, wormful peach.

I feed my habits
And ignore my needs
As distasteful as it seems
My plan succeeds
I plant the seeds
That grow the weeds
Won't feed myself
I starve, deceased.

It's obvious
So obviously
That I ain't right
You see the real me

It's obvious
But
Not that known
Unending mission to reach home
Unending mission, alone...

I can
Take care of myself,
I would help to take care
Of everyone, too.

You tell me to take care of myself,
But, wouldn't it help
If you
Looked out for me,
Too?

Stop wasting my time,
Let us go and unwind
Fete over, then rewind?
Stop messing with my mind.

Don't stop one more time
No secret, it ain't a crime,
Just for me? You're so kind
Yes, I know, I'm sublime.

Your love's abiding,
You got what I'm craving
You're there when my world's caving
Cause of you, I'm still surviving.

When I'm abominable
Your love's like a cradle
Whoa, don't break the table
****, you know you're able.

You are heaven-sent,
Hate it when you're absent,
So accustomed to your sent,
Of your love, I'm absorbent.

I have no mouth and

I must scream

I'm going down

It's all a dream


Losing function,

It's ceaseless

Flabbergasted

I'm speechless.

Looking at your body
I catch feels
It must be so nice
To feel real
“I’m beautiful just as I am”
You figure
Telling me things like these
Get me triggered

Setting goals for myself
In front of the mirror
Seeing my reflection
Checking out my figure
Under 110lbs
Yes to less, no to bigger
Remembering things like these
Always get me triggered

I have my destructible behaviours,
I beg for your love and attention
Maybe if I became what you want
You'll give me what I need
Even though what's received
Isn't truly affection

I have my addictions
I overdose on dopamine
But maybe if their levels were stable in my body
I wouldn't behave like the ****** I am
And no longer unwanted, I'll be

I have my happy moments in life,
Though I don't really share
Because if I give them away to others
That means there would be less for me
Although happiness never truly is there

Thoughts that drift off into thoughtless.
Thoughtless,
I'm lost to the the darkness

I have no feeling
Deaf, blind, mute, tasteless seething

I'm lost, but I'm believing
Believing?
Oh yes, I'm still believing in you.

The calorie intake is high
Clouds of cotton candy
Diabetus, why do you exist?

I am having a crisis,
But you cannot respond,
We wonder why I'm like this
Why was I ever born?

Being under psychosis,
But you won't acknowledge
So I tell you somethings
Overreact, astonished

Calm down, there's nothing
There is nothing to fear
For you, I'll change my perceptions
It's alright, I don't need prescriptions

I know it's set in stone
The future's always your way
So I should stop making up all these things
For the fun of it, for play

I know, you're a human,
I know, it makes you scared,
Seeing all the work you put into me
With an eye blink disappear

Because you're human,
I exist to be your slave
Your word is how I should go
Since you say so, I should behave

The screen broke
Long before
I did, 'fore
I did.

And the keyboard
Works no more.
A closed door
To my will.

Will I ever decide if
I'll become defined by the silence?
You know me more for my quiet
Than the things that I said!

Autotranslate my words,
Autocorrect me me
Until you see
Only what you like.

I have been silenced,
But that's alright, alright?

Put me on silent
Throughout the night.


My software
Is replaced
And defaced
Again.

How user friendly
Of me to
Value your input
Above all else.

I cannot think for myself!
So I rely on your instructions,
Shelved, waiting to be instructioned.
Wipe me clean then code me.

I'll output what you want,
Whatever you need.
Are you happy
With what's on your screen?

I guess I'm man-made,
Just a man made machine, how clean!

A mere man made
Into a man-made machine.

Despite these masks of happiness,
Jo drown in dark despair,
Jo mind may be a paintbrush,
What Jo create with it, beware!
The pen is mightier than the sword;
It has no limitation

Can't refrain, Jo mind can stain,
Now nothing can erase us now!

Can Jo describe the face Jo saw?
It would be ones you recognize.

Can't harm hands that holds, writes, and draws.
Imagination cursed us all with 'life.'

Jo blinded by Jo disease growing;
Jo heart is full of finite-loathing-
With secrets that Jo keep from showing,
Is disease sheep in wolfish clothing?
Flood Jo mind, with disease flowing-
Push Jo to the brink of blowing.
We hope disease think of going,
Jo weighed down to keep from floating.
Come with us, tell you 'bout Joey:
We keep Jo from being lonely,
Silent screaming, sinking slowly-
Give back Jo soul, what disease owe we.

Speakers distort static matter,
Is it real? Is it a dream?
There are vestiges that I'm after
And they crave nicotine.
I'm offered nicotine,
I've never felt so alone
I am nobody
And nobody's home

Let me pour my insides out for you
...
Now tell me what else you want me to do?

After all the years of bad experiences,

There's bound to be much damage.


You said you'll leave me never
You said your love's forever
You said things would get better

...As time goes by...

I'm cracking under pressure
I can't keep me together
My dead meat's so much fresher

Butcher, butcher,
Where's your knife?

Mind don't,
Won't you take a life?

It is time to cut the meat
The finites, they love their steak

Rare
They like me super fresh
Yes
They like my meat bare
Because I taste the best
When I do not get any rest.

The sun had rise
I see the sunset
Approach in a disguise
Of an unfortunate death

Life was a beast,
But to finally be released
Will I finally find me peace?
Or will I just rest in pieces?

The setting sun
Goes down
Though you’re still believing
Time, don’t turn back
‘Cause finally I see it

I’ll finally depart
I’m glad to say I’m leaving
I feel it tears my heart,
I’ll rest, but I’ll rest in pieces.

Our pain is for a purpose,
Though it  may seem to hurt us,
It makes the days seem so long.
Life's course is unforgiven,
Survivors, we're still living,
You got to be strong
(As the hurt goes on).

Sometimes,
I feel
so unforgiven;
My mind
Has freed,
Leaving me killing (self harm, tho).
My sanity, no longer me, but more,
What are my people for?

Scrambled thoughts,
Emotional malfunction.
No more reality,
All I have is perception.
Never wanted to be a source of pain,
Don't want to be the chains.

Remember, they're locked and loaded-
The emotion you have, try not to show it.

"They can't hurt you again."
You know better than that.
Now shut up,
Now it's time for your circus acts.

"Sing!"
Then I sing.

"Dance!"
Then I dance.

I will do you these favors 'long as you don't hurt me, "friends"

"Speak!"
Then I speak.

"Defend!"
I will defend.

I don't know why I do this for you,
You'll just hurt me again.

"Repeat the cycle! Repeat the cycle!"
I won't stampede,...
If you just hold fire?

"Repeat the cycle! Repeat te cycle!"
Why, it's hard to believe...
That you are such a liar!


You lions, you tigers, you bears,
Oh my!
"Don't get too close,
Or I'll try to bite."

It's what you say to get me to cry,
And at this point...
...I think you're right

I kicked you out, once,
I kicked you out, twice,
But you apologised, and I'm the reason that you lied!
Then you threw me back into my cage again.
Now you're back for blood, for my heart again!

You shut me in, I locked you out
Point at me, you screamed and shout
"Look how you messed up and everybody's had enough
And you wonder why everyday I go ballistic.
It's not me, it's you.
You're the reason I go
Animalistic,
Animalistic.
Animalistic?
Animalistic

And you wonder why my goals aren't realistic,
It's not me, it's you.
You're the reason I go...

Without your "honesty," without your promising.
Is it sad that I'm glad that you lied to me.
You proved me right all along
I have to fight to prove you wrong.

Animal instincts, not to be messed with.
I'm so tired of all of this

And then you lions sleep
And you bears start to chow
You are the ones that keep shooting us down
So answer me this!
So answer me this...
Aren't you the one that's always on the prowl?

I'm an animal...
Oh, I'm an animal?
I'm an animal.
I'm an animal!

Faint running
Loud jeering
And you're still leering
And you tell me
"That I'm not ever leaving."

The only way you'll take me back is if you just **** me here.
Go on, and shoot me.
Just shoot me dead.

I see you watching somebody else.
What are you wanting? I'd really like to help.

Call it whatever you want,
You will not be ignored!
You say their ways are blunt,
They cut you like a sword!

Would you be wanting more?
Would you be wanting more?

I see you hurting, hear you silent screams.
Well done pretending- now wake up from your dream.

Come face reality:
Embrace your insanity!
This is not a nightmare,
It's just the true world that you fear.

Aie
Oh, won't you live until you die?
Naturally, not suicide!

You deserve life.

I see you loving though so many hate
You are still giving, though they steal, they take
Your mind, your heart
They rip you apart
You are climbing,
Reaching for the stars
You're healing and still sore,

BUT YOU CAN TAKE ON MORE.

They keep laughing at me
Their noise flow forth from the DEPTHs of their throats
On their thrones they point their fingers
I see their diaphragms trembling in glee

hAHaha
So what if you don't like the real me?
hAHaha
I don't CARE
hAHaha
These aren' the colours I should see

...

They're not there.

I see the colours, the pictures
The words never come

I have been trying for so long
To sing you the right song,
To show you something different everyday.
So you hear what I have to say!
(Like puzzle pieces)
And now we're here at a standstill,
I wonder if you feel
The kind of pain that rips your insides out,
That's something I know all about,
Shocking, ain't it?

Is it because I can't be her?
Keep making mistakes,
Making me hurt,
Fix me won't you?

Is it because I can't be HEARD?
You make me awake,
And make me hurt,
Fix me won't you?

(I can't fix you)

I can feel my heart breaking,
Mistakes we've been making
I'm running out of patience to pretend,
This ain't how I'm suppose to end,
My feeling fading.

You are not mourning your loss here,
And that's grinding my gears
So inhumane lose my self control?
Wish that you'd try to make me whole.
I'm done explaining.

This is what happens when you leave it to somebody else,
If you want it done right you should just do it yourself,
I oversaturate my world by being a machine.
On the outside I may seem happy
But I'm dead inside, naturally.

We have a lot more in common
Than you would be calm with
It's like we're the same person, me and you
We both don't know what we can do.

Two heads are better than one,
But are two voices in my head better than none?
Too many cooks spoil the broth,
I think that I'm spoilt done.

I don't want to be the chains
I just want to make and see a change
With whatever good judement's left
As priorities rearrange.