Do I regret the night my world changed?
I guess the simple answer should be yes,
But in fact, I wish it had been my last.
Now I know what people claim.
Do you know how lucky you were?
But I do not find that night luck.
I guess in my heart I somehow knew.
I had this gut feeling something was wrong,
Yet I chose to be there anyways.
Why? You may ask, and really
I do not have answer. Or do I?
I felt myself spiraling down the rabbit hole.
Though, this is something I cannot
Fully comprehend or fathom.
For once in my life I had everything.
Success, great grades, a car
Diploma at 17, college fully paid
Finally my father cared, or did he?
I think to myself it is my self destructive
Nature. Deep down, I cannot accept love.
I know this now, for every time I get close
I find a way to sever ties.
Maybe it is from a life of deception,
Manipulation, abuse, fear, loneliness,
Abandonment or was it the lies?
Was it the constant promises, promises
I knew deep down were bottomless pits.
I used to believe I was strong, but I learned
Pain changes people. It has a way of altering
People into the very person they swore
They would never become. I became my own fear.
Now all I can think about is the bliss.
I beg for the bliss I felt that night.
The same bliss that came with a screech.
I can’t remember the incident,
But I still feel it deep in my bones.
I feel the rattle inside my head,
I hear the shouts from people all around.
There’s this faint sound of metal crashing around me.
It’s pitch black but I smell something terrible.
Burnt rubber, smoke, no something else?
My head is pounding but I’m numb.
All around people are urging me not to move.
My vision is blurred, there’s broken glass.
I can’t moved, I can’t breathe, unable to think.
To my side, I see my airbag deployed, yet I
Still can’t comprehend what has happened.
This all just feels like one of my nightmares.
I think to myself, any moment I will wake up.
My door won’t open, why won’t it open?
Dizziness engulfs me and blackness consumes me.
I awake to bright lights, but I can’t hear.
Hands hold me down, but who are these people?
I look at my leg wrapped in a makeshift cardboard cast.
I try to move it, I tear at the tape, but I’m detained.
Panic seeps in, was I in a crash. My breaths come
More and more shallow. Waves of pain crash against me,
Suddenly I drowning in what ifs and confusion.
Did I kill someone? What have I done?
It was in this moment I took my last breath. I hear
Beeping around me, as my vision starts to blur.
There’s panic in the voices of each EMT. There’s pain
In my chest but I don’t fight it. I accept it with open arms.
The pain turns into a rush of relief throughout my veins.
Soon my vision fades, along with the voices of the people
Around me. Then everything is silent and I am at peace.
Now I think to myself, why didn't they leave me be.
Why couldn't I forever feel the bliss of that night?
Why did I have to wake up, why can’t I go back?
So in a sense, no I do not regret this Father’s Day.
This is the first thing I have written in almost two years. It is free verse to express how I truly felt.