toss turn toss turn toss turn
weight wait weight wait weight
push pull push pull push pull
go stay go stay go stay go stay
fingers throat fingers throat
oh please stay five more minutes
turn the sun switch off and throw
your blue blanket over my eyes
i am drowning in a sea of sheets
and thirty eight daily battles but
you took away my anchor so i've
drifted off the grid with no boat
water lungs water lungs water
water lungs water lungs breathe in
sink sink sink sink sink sink sink

you're buzzing through my brain
you're buzzing through my bones
your tempo's a new pace
that i have never known

Anastasia was my friend
her face was always pale
she always wore a ribbon
& her daddy went to yale

she was the talk of all the playground
the new girl always is
excited, unready to settle
like her coke-a-cola's fizz

until she sat beside me
& tapped me very slow
"i want to run away," she said
"but i don't know where to go"

i too was quite unpleased
"come and follow me"
so there we packed our knapsacks
and took off for Belize

oh my darling!
you make my head spin ever so wildly
drown me in wine
yell that you love me!
as i trace a master piece on your back with my fragile fingers

and they'll call us both mad
the lovers that danced until their feet crumbled
( though you claim you cannot dance )
as we will disregard them all, humanity, and however cliche our midnight rambles may become

"just give me ten more minutes"
you slide your hand on snooze;
you live in black and white
and see just what you choose

then mute life's little whispers
close blinds from whats to come
radiating dreams of color
then wake to siri's drum

"just give me five more minutes"
you hit your phone once more
the neon overtakes your brain
your conscience hits the floor

your sound is so familiar
your look is so peculiar-
i can't believe i didn't see
it's you, oh my old friend

and now it feels quite right
I've missed you in my sight
strings in my hand i understand
it's been far too long

I can feel you slipping away

and as i let me palms ease open and you fly away to whatever planet youre off to again, i find a part of me running back. cart wheeling and dancing and screaming i've always loved you and you were always more than what you settled for. i've found a part of myself that cant contain its excitement to start new, to start fresh, to be whoever the **** i want to be. to kiss a stranger to have a lover who actually would fall in love with all my little flaws and mistakes and not silently criticize anything that floated in my brain. welcome home happiness, goodmorning freedom.

and this is what i feared
that you wouldn't feel this near
and i admit I've shed a tear
but you're worth that my dear

these shoes have walked a bit
maybe too far i admit
but i know id never quit
running these miles for you

he said i see it wrong,
i guess i'm upside down
but i was looking up
and he was on the ground

What a happy thought;
As I'm overwhelmed with fear as our plane shakes with turbulence left to right I suddenly hear the sweet sound of children giggling with joy, having no clue how high in the air we are or what the possibility of this could all mean.

I'll trade you my heavy heart for your fresh perspective

it wraps around my neck
and whispers in my ear
commanding me to stop
dressed up in all my fears

and suddenly were speeding
were racing with mistakes
my nails dig in the leather
longing to be the brakes

he was the kind of beautifully terrifying you can't seem to let leave your head after you've met and their every move stains your brain as you replay it over and over. i don't know the last time someone excited me just by being their self so unintentionally - you can only hope you hold that kind of power when you waltz in and out of somones life like that.

guess what? there’s so many people out there who are way better than you in so many different ways and that’s alright because there’s also hundreds of cities with thousands of people you’ve never met who would be madly in love with you for being exactly as you are today and if that doesn’t excite the **** out of you I’m not sure what will

she's simply done with false and foreign hands,
guiding her where they please
shaking her at the knees

"knit me a sweater so tight
i'll throw up all his poisons bites"

- she'd been filled with lies, flies, purple hair ties
a common mistake making friends with a snake

spinning on an island sat a little girl in blue,
the ocean gave her nightmares and she didn't know what to do

she never learned to swim so she sat and watched the waves
and when they made her angry her mom would yell "behave"

but how could she control it, her mind would turn to red
each crash would start to mock her, their sound stuck in her head

she'd kick and scream throughout her dreams and wake up on the floor
and cry when she awoke because she'd had this one before

******* she'd yell, AND LET ME BE but cursing was a sin
she'd wash her mouth with soap once more, the sea would always win

while you look delightful
i still feel so frightful
i'm drawing a blank,
"say something insightful!"

my toes start to curl
my fists become tense
exhaling my thoughts
i've lost all my sense

like sand I watch you slip through my fingers again, and again, and again. ill pick you up once more, a little tighter this time, but my fight never seems to be quite strong enough for you. // I'd love you if you would please just let me.

a durable foundation creates a tall tower;
unfaltering in it's demeanor, anchored at peace.

why do we under romanticize stability?
building a house upon the waves knowing it's a
ticking time bomb before cascading our living
rooms into the ocean to sink beyond our reach.

i don't want my knit orange blanket under the water,
or to feel the roaring sea salt overflow my lungs ever again.

but i get it; wanting to wake with sun kissed skin and
dust the sand off your cheeks while cotton candy skies
shine into our eyes bringing a brand new day to us.

(having *** in the sea could cause a UTI, sand is unpleasantly itchy, and boys are poison, *******. take a shower and go home.)

You kissed me in my kitchen and I laughed.
I looked into your eyes with that devilish grin you loved and ran away. I forgot to call for a week or two. You were so nervous then.
Eight months later and I'm shaking you over and over again to simply wake up each morning. And you fight it like you're thirteen years old on a Sunday morning begging your mom not to make you go to church just this one time.

And my love for you is non refundable and I can't put my finger on why. The math doesn't always seem to add up as I silently weep in bed for the thousandth time, but you're too high to notice. I've never liked crying in front of other people anyways.

she liked to steal old matches
her soul drenched in Santal
thoughts deeper than the canyons,
slurred in her sozzled calls

with rose gold colored eyes,
she grabs your rusty match tin
but if you hand your heart to her
you won't see that again

she hides in her rose bathtub
silk bathrobe, as expected
builds castles made of bubbles
and hearts that she's neglected

sweet oxygen fills me lungs
as i inhale a new start, a fresh
perspective of all that ive known
as i exhale your spite and
how i've always been second
best in your eyes.

darling i am much more than second best, and i cannot wait to love myself again.

your voice is but a memory
too soft to now replay
your love still haunts my bones
from miles and miles away

a wild little girl who chases
marvelous little dreams
with no intention of facing
what tomorrow may bring

but who could blame her?
he's wrapped around her
finger so beautifully that
she's started to believe it's
always looked this way

tangly hair and light pink nails
a pretty little mess
disaster's got his eyes on you
and your black sequin dress

you sniff and sneeze just what you please
when all you want is wine and cheese
you've sent your brain over the seas
and give your love the rose gold keys

twenty nine bow ties
all handsome in green
you must raise your hand
but you want to scream
twenty nine shoes laces
all ******* just right
an assembly line
you follow with fright
you long for the days
with no little errands
a nice cup of coffee
with a nice girl named karen
you wake and you shake
this wild thought blue
your pianos electric
and that cadilac too
turn right! turn left!
and you start to smile
muting their voice
and sing the meanwhile

your faith is vanilla, your passion is sour
the label says love expires by hour
the sweet taste is lost each leap that you make
you only eat sweets and no longer have steak
but candy's mundane, overdose made it plain
its not what you thought, oh dear what a shame
you don't know whats real, or whats in your head
you cannot unspeak the words that you've said

“my mother’s trust issues are leaking into my chest
and I’ve got my father’s nose and his tendency to
stop calling back
so I’m sorry
about the 9 missed calls I have from you
and the 6 voicemails I never played
I swear I’d love you if I could”

Roanoke is like webbed toes; really weird but in a way that makes you wanna cough or throw up if you look too close

rip down your walls one by one
your thoughts i all undressed
hold on to what you may find dear
to hell with all the rest

pull me close or push me far
it's all the same to me
paint your picture black or white
it's not like i can see

your beating heart is louder now
i play it like a drum
little laughs so late at night
while i crack both your thumbs

two thousand nine hundred and forty six microscopic tiny shards of glass stuck in my hand is the only equivalent feeling to hearing your name

six months later and i keep finding hidden pieces in my palms

/ just when i thought my hands were numb i saw the silky red dress i wore the day my hand hit the glass and all i want to do is throw up

and my mind drips with doubt as the silence roars louder
I pick at the left over black nail polish as my hands shake
its unfathomable - that you - are now a stranger
but I'll still fall asleep in this Beach House and think of you

and now these thoughts are spilling onto my hardwood floors
their scent the same as that black sweater of yours I'd always steal

Thirty six flowers, all of them crying
"Drown us with water, for we are all dying!"
Neglecting their plea, I sprint for the sea
With an ocean blue car that runs off of tea

ive got a lump in my throat in the shape of your ***** socks and my head can't stand the smell; your smell crowding my thoughts as I try to do quite literally anything. Anything at all without your name nagging me like a homeless man at a stoplight that just turned red as you sink in your seat knowing this **** voice is not going to get off of my back.

How the **** do I flip my brain upside down to get a green light, anything to let me just breathe a silent thought without smelling your name

i don't want to know your name
nor do i care who the ******* are, what makes you you
and i don't want to know that you can't eat spaghettios anymore because they made you throw up one time a couple years ago;
i'm not curious about your little secrets
and i certainly dont give a **** about your family tree

and i'll gently hold your face in my hands one more time tonight,
but you shouldn't expect to pick apart my brain after the lights turn on and the music stops playing  

( i watched my sanity drop like a disco ball onto your cement floor into ten million little pieces while the cats licked them off the ground and i just sat there and watched, i couldn't even move. )

i want to have mugs. mugs from places i've been and i can make coffee in the morning and go back to my room; where my name is on the lease and  can call it my home. i want plants i want books i want things that aren't essential to living but make me happy- three more days until I retire from being a gypsy and can find comfort again and I couldn't be happier to call Brooklyn home.

Today I am Sally so happy and bright
Tomorrow I'm Sarah the queen of the night
Today I will love you with all of my might
Tomorrow I could runaway filled with fright

six word story

it's that little voice inside your head that screams anything is possible ******, go shave your head go kiss that human that looks so beautiful tonight. It doesn't matter who you are today if you want to be someone new tomorrow. i find glowing and growing with this unattainable energy each time I visit the big apple seeing one thousand faces today I'll never see again past this moment.

we are so ******* little in the bigger scheme of life, in the most beautiful, unique, unrepeatable way.

actually i lied to you, that one time in my car when we were having a happy morning on our way to go swimming after we got coffee, you asked me if i listened to classical music and i told you i didn't-

and quite frankly i'm listening to classical music this very moment trying to think of a poetic way to phrase "i wish you were in my bed making out with me right now. that you were here sliding your fingers between mine as we were talking about anything, maybe just talking **** because you like that i'm nice but that i'm not actually a nice girl."

it *was cute that you were so particular about dental hygiene each morning, even the time you made my gums bleed a little. ( i say *was because who the hell knows if we'll look at each other like that again now that times past ) maybe it's not something i'll lose sleep over while you're down south but i'm absolutely curious what part of your memory you file my name under. i wonder if you think you've got me all figured out or if i'm a puzzle of the ocean on a blue day with 10,000 pieces to you.

- sorry i called you weak that first time you slept over, kind of

your thoughts are blue,
your heart is sour -
for now you've reached
your hardest hour.

you're falling out of what "once was"
*she used to smile, "just because"

you are a million twinkling stars
a sinking ship filled of butterflies
the marshmallows in my cereal

and i can't seem to get this **** grin off of my mouth that you give me everyday

my thoughts tangle and slide down the small of your back while i can't help but laugh one more time because i just can't stop looking at the way you smile back at me when i can't keep it together because you've slapped the most unattainable grin onto my face

but my senses will give me that dreaded early wake up call and I know you wish I'd just push that snooze button one more time, and truly i'm sorry that my heart was thrown into his old smoothie blender and you're left trying to clean up this mess of strawberries and morning sunshine licking what's left off your finger tips

I have cried more times this January than I did in 2017 collectively

six word story

shameful and blameless and all in between
stars fall from your face, you fall to your knees
you float down the river to sort it all out
but 5,000 fish proceed to all shout

****
It's hitting me and it's hitting me hard as I unpack the shoes you'd always tell me to wear into this new and vacant room, no mattress no furniture as you sleep in the bed I slept in for over a year. And who knows who will sleep there from now on and **** they better appreciate how perfect your cats are or that you don't snore in your sleep like a lot of boys do.

But that's the thing, I fell in love with a silly stupid boy. Women do not date boys. I should not have dated a boy.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'll say it once more-
The room is now spinning, the ceilings the floor.
Dont make me a stranger please do not erase me
I'm sorry that I always made you just chase me.

And when the sun comes up I hope it's my face that greets you, my touch slipping back into your memory and like a bad dream you wake up and remember what you broke. A house full of mirrors you walked in like a psychopath with a baseball bat; swinging and swinging and swinging. I can't change what you've done here and i cut my hands on all the shards of your mess trying to make sense of it all. But I'll wrap up all the wounds and grow stronger. I'll watch flowers grow out of my shoes and find my back. Because I know if a drop of memory floats into my mind at night I pray you can't fall asleep because of the roaring thunderstorms of my laughter, the way I'd kiss you like we were the only ones on earth and now all you've got left is yourself and the ugly truth that wraps around your neck and slowly suffocates you as each lie comes to the surface and people whisper each one to someone else. Because I know if people look at me with the slightest glance of pity I pray their glare cuts you like you cut my trust in so many different ways.

I can't fathom how you get a wink of sleep at night if my mind tosses and turns like this.