holy hell you're the bad acid trip i never asked for;
the spins after a bad night of drinking or the stranger in the alley way when you're walking home alone.
you were the spam email that wouldn't stop popping up all over my home computer while i yelled at the screen in sixth grade
you're the bad chicken nugget at mcdonalds you bite into and say oh **** what the **** is this and suddenly question if you should make yourself throw up
you're a toothache, headache, heartache, literally any synonym for something terrible or painful.

i have no beautiful words to describe you, no nothing.

the thought of kissing you ever again makes me want to throw up.

i gave you a hug so you gave me the stars
and carried me home all the way from the bars
its the way that you laugh, its the way that you cry
or when my phone lights up and i catch that you spy

"my cat! my cat!" you scream it once more
i'll ask you "what's wrong?" as i look to the floor-
he ate your shoe laces, so I'll give you mine
while you give me shivers all over my spine

you're letting it go
you throw the towel in
you long for the days
when your dress would spin
theres no one to dance with
the playlist is through
you long for the faces
you thought that you knew
but time proves us wrong
and changes our names
todays filled with fights
you only complain
the room was so crowded
they push and they shove
theyre all empty bodies
not one that you love
so laugh at their jokes
go on drink a glass
but your expectations
are never surpassed

you used to write when drunk
and edit when you're sober
but leaf subsides to leaf
since every things been over
you only see her face
you only write her love
her dancing grin she'd flash you
and all of the above

how does one get a wink of sleep
when at 11 am tomorrow morning
i'll be sporting the latest hospital gown
being picked apart like a game of operation
while i'm high off who knows what they put in
those **** needles that knock you straight
to counting multi colored sheep

i used to be curious, full of questions
always wandering what more i could
possibly soak in like a sponge,
knowledge is power they said.

it's probably killed 7 of my 9 lives,
turned teammates into mazes, lovers
into strangers, pandora's box laughs
in my face every **** time.
(so i'll be careful with these last two lives)
quite frankly i'd like to wave my white
flag with knowledge- my bones are
too weak to fight you any further

Il a dit, "au debut t'etais belle"
- C'est bon de te revoir, répondis-je.

reprends moi. Je veux parler français à nouveau Je veux boire du vin et danser toute la nuit avec toi. Je ne pense pas que je t'ai jamais vraiment laissé partir. Vous avez toujours été avec moi.

My truest self is June, 2014. I've just returned from France and I'm excited to simply wake up each morning having no idea where the **** I'll go with the rest of my life. I have no job, no real priorities, just curiosity. I'm still a ******. I've never told someone I loved them. I've got too many black clothes in my closet and I'm convinced I'm the long lost southern spice girl. My hair is ombre and I haven't cut it in three years. I gave my friend Sydney my shoes because she needed a pair. I listened to Sylvan Esso's new album in a bathtub for five hours in a hotel room in Marseille- day dreaming about all the different people I could pretend I was that day. I hadn't lost anyone before. I was writing beautiful tangly words everyday. I was no one's but my own. everything was going in my favor. I was happy and far too curious for my own good.

But curiosity killed the cat, and here I am on my ninth life walking on egg shells trying to keep it all together.

what a feeling; when everything adds up.
when the fog clears and you see where you stand.
when the lights come on at the club and you see everyones face.
when you open your mcdonalds bag to find the wrong order.
when you get that test back and you got a C
when you order sprite and it ends up being water
when i jump in the ocean and its still a couple weeks early
when you realize youre not enough for someone, but you could be everything to someone new

there are some mornings, like these,
where simply getting out of bed is too much.
The thought of leaving this room overwhelms me,
I'll nearly collapse if I must go on to share small talk,
explaining  w h o   I      a m
where I've b e e n
w h e re      I '   l  l   g o.
These chats feel like a million bugs crawling on my skin,
as I anticipate the thumbs up to be able to shake them all off

as the storm of tears flooded down my face,
and into my ears as i lie on my back I swear
it has deafened me. And they're the same two
ears that heard you proclaim at the top of your
lungs that you loved me! you truly, truly loved me!
but then again maybe thats just me being a romantic.
Perhaps it was only a whisper after all, but nevertheless
I still heard what you were capable of muttering out.

I've never been so certain and confused all at the same time, and I can't tell you the last time I was even able to write. you blocked that part off from myself somehow. you made me mute. you made me beige. you made me a mom in khakis wearing a ***** pack who went to sleep at 8 pm to be safe; you made me safe in the worst way. you made me feel little. you made me feel less. and somehow in a way that i didn't even realize what was happening, i just wanted to make it work. i just wanted to be a flower that grew into a jungle but i was just a cactus in the living room you kept around because you only had to water me once in a while and if you forgot it was okay, I'd survive. I'd still be there. I'd still be beige and mute and anything you wanted me to be sitting happily. ****.

everyone deserves forgiveness - but I thank every star in the sky you slammed the door shut on my fingers

( they told me she was toxic )

and I wrapped them up but I still would have let you back in,
played any song you liked honestly.

( and you didn't deserve that kind of generosity )

she moved to that island she always talked about and sent me a letter this morning that I didn't have the courage to read. If she asked me to knit her one more **** sweater for the windy nights I thought I'd *****.

( freeze )

i know what hanging on looks like
avoiding red flags so large they could blur your vision blind

i wonder if people were as uncomfortable as i am right now knowing you're holding onto something fictional

and she's burning a **** hole through my skull with the glare she's shooting at me sharing innocent eye contact with him; I'm the last girl she actually should be worrying about- but i've been there, territorial when you start to catch on that the ground beneath you is falling right under your feet

i'm so sorry
i wouldn't wish that feeling upon my worst enemy;
realizing what gave you joy was never even real

Why is it that we find our memories flooding our vision at this hour? It's almost 3 AM and I'm drowning in my thoughts of our tangled fingers and midnight rambles.

I feel it in my bones as my pulse heightens  

As I soberly fidget in my seat wondering when this is all going to change and I'll wake up happy again.
You've turned into that movie I used to watch over and over again but this time I didn't laugh. I didn't quote the whole **** thing. And the wifi connection is lost this time around but neither of us fight to fix it, or anything else regarding that matter.

And if Were being honest I could build an empire from all the red flags you've tossed my way. I always catch them and tuck them away - Hand dye them and stitch them new names, new patterns, they're anything but wrong.

You never felt wrong

******* I just feel so heavy
Like a wet paper towel falling apart
As I replay the past year and a half through my beat up memory I let you use as your personal punching bag for far too long

undress my thoughts,
tangle my limbs;
& you'll be the The
Boy Who Learned How
To Swim

i heard you're out in Cali, i nod my head and smile
(who knew irish goodbyes were going to be your style)

we used to share our poems, until the sun would wake
i still do not believe that you were a mistake

everything tastes vanilla,
what's the point in having a favorite color?
she's got thoughts and legs longer than pi,
and a bite bluer than her latest depression
but she always finds you down there in that sad valley-
doesn't she?
singing on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and

he loves to give you flowers
you slap him in the face
you say that he's naive
/ you've got a can of mace

with fear drowning his vision
his palms they start to shake
i think that i could hear them
a minor type earth quake

fur coats and tall high heels
give them the *******
you say you like a song
and he becomes a singer

sweet tiny nothings;
visual haikus

the heart thumps louder
lungs clinch head spins

my thoughts shout so loud i can't even understand what exactly they're all screaming, clutter clutter clutter

and i wonder what it'll feel like tonight as i sleep alone, knowing i too am alone for the first time in what feels so long- that your foot wont be there to touch mine and i can't hold on to you when i'm having a bad dream. i wonder if my thoughts will still yell so loudly or if there too I'll find silence.

i cannot fathom life without you but i surely will have to start

i don't remember the last night i slept without you, and quite frankly i dont care to

my hospital band keeps sticking to my arm
and i can't  uncross my legs

she stuck the needle in the arm and missed
gave it a kiss, tried again as the arm bled red

perhaps it may look wrong;
the spots on the arm or the grin on the face
both similarly misplaced causing confusion
to their reader- context clues please read closely
or you may not pass the final exam

and theres something about your electric sound that makes me believe I could be anyone, or anywhere.

and i can't explain it, everything becomes attractive as your melody dances around the room and wraps me in it's cotton candy bubble wrap, giggling and flirting with my brain as it melts like the neon lava cake i've always known it to be

and i'll play it over and over and over and over again while you're showing your beat to someone on the other side of the country

a jar beneath your bathroom sink
where no one ever looks
you throw me in with everything
one goodbye's all it took
you're in each word i utter out
your scent has stained my skin
while you're forgetting how i look
my love is growing thin
so here i'll be across the sea
my heart turns black and blue
oblivious to all of this
these things time loves to do

ive lost all my words
they've slipped from my tongue
I'm fighting a war thats already
been won

& How Surreal Is This

One hand on the wheel, the other holding yours ///
I remember being in third grade trying to read your name tag on the corner of your desk in home room the first day I saw you actually
Fast forward 14 years old when you kissed me in my kitchen that summer night after catching fireflies and no one could slap that grin off my face

Here we are, Christmas Eve, and it's like nothing's ever changed you told me; you're the one thing that's never changed  

And I just couldn't stop laughing- eight, twelve, seventeen, twenty three.

So he grabbed my face and slurred something along the lines of if we made it to 26 without a family in our near future we'd have to make one of our own and ****** you know 15 years and 6 jack & cokes later I wasn't about to turn you down.

( & i've always loved that **** dog of yours )

there is no age in which a mother forgets her child;
i think their heart beats connect like SONAR

the child types furiously in one room as the mother
tosses and turns hearing each letter as loud as a gun
shot

you play the song again
(maybe nows the time)
but you still tap off beat
it doesn't seem to rhyme

"so do you like my song?"
i could not hate it more
"oh darling yes of course,"
you run straight for the door

the album looks so lovely
like your sweet collared shirt
so bite your lip and panic
his song makes your ears hurt

daze
smooch
custard
sauce
cocktail
soup
pie
****
blood clot
dewy
wanderlust
blaming things on "society"
lima bean

I could throw up

You've lost your spark. the twinkle in your eye was just a reflection of your phone lighting up as you texted someone irrelevant and the orchestra of sweet melodies that filled my heart was just a spotify playlist i made and put on at the right time. and i thought the warmth of your touch was all i needed to feel alive when i was too **** cold outside and maybe anything couldve been enough.

except for me; i was never enough for you was i?

hot pink skirts and cigarettes
the room begins to spin
blue is white and gold is red
but no one seems to win

a year ago we met today
the room melts to my shoes
a year flies by I'm 45
my memory starts to lose

God is good
- Happy homes make happy souls
- For a wound to heal you have to quit touching it
- Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn / all things grow
- Do not ******* forget who kicks you while you're down  
- The world will continue to spin if you are failing world mythology ****

you start to scan the room, and look up to the right
an unexpected pair of eyes you look into with fright
so quickly you grow flustered, then pull it all together
but then it all goes blank, theyre wearing your old sweater

you turn and face the left, as if you didn't know
their past haunts you so fiercely; but used to make you glow
you watch their eyes most past you, so lifeless and lethargic
your now a slave to your own past and start to feel psychotic

It's not fair that you get to be on my mind when I don't want you here; I feel like a kid stuck in a three hour long car ride screaming how much longer will this freaking last ten minutes into the everlasting journey into a black hole to a relatives house I never asked to go visit.

How long do you get to be in my **** mind until I can wake up without the taste of your name on my tongue

i don't want to hold this anger in fact i'd like to let it shoot out of my palms onto anything, any surface, any face whatever the **** it takes just get the **** out of my head

i heard ya talking in your sleep,
you told me of your dreams.
and how each time you fly away,
it all tares at the seams.
you kick, you cry, you laugh,
you die, you wake up in my bed.
this morning you spill last nights words,
you thought stayed in your head.
but the words they cling so tight to my ears!
they yell so loudly i can't even hear!
i kick, i cry, i laugh, i die,
i wake up in my bed.
your ghost still haunts me every night
yelling the words you said.

the stars are spitting gold
its landing on the trees
and falling in the river
then shaking all our knees

you sleep a little longer
and tell time it should freeze
then lock it in your safe
and throw away the keys

homeless and happy surpasses crying in a Ferrari any day
- if you've got a voice ******* use it, never be a **** robot work horse
- corporations will only swallow you if you don't put up a fight
- Republicans aren't a myth and anything is possible if your president is a reality tv star
- you create your own universe! poison only enters if you let it!
- nothing beats a secret pen pal, long live snail mail
- cashmere and friendship is Gods way of saying you'll survive winter

I think I am on my feet again for the first time in a long time since Le Brain Destruction of Spring 2016.

and if you tried to kiss her,
she'd grown so hollow she
could most likely collapse.
a small concave girl with
nothing but words that roam
inside of her lungs.

you've ruined songs, you've ruined restaurants, you've ruined the striped shirt i used to wear on happy days. you're the stain on a white couch i can never remove and will always despise

the glass is half full and it's full of the cutest red wine, so fine you would even spill it on my white couch and call it art -
red has always been your favorite color
i see there's flowers sprouting out of your shoes again and that grin is slapped back onto your face; so perfect i might even kiss it
perhaps right? why not

if you see something say something
if you break something fix something
if you hurt someone apologize to someone
if you love someone kiss someone
if you rip something tape something
if you question something ask something
if you hate something do something

but sometimes things are easier said than done and i'm so emotionally exhausted i could collapse and evaporate; but i'm an ***** donor it's alright take what's left of me

I couldn't help it; it spread like wild fire, clenching my chest and burning my lungs with the overwhelming anxiety that you've blossomed into the most monstrous thing I've ever encountered

electric lips drooling the words i can't swallow,
technicolor thoughts too far for me to follow

I read something along the lines of " all I know is this: I have many wounds but I still stand on my feet" a while ago and it's still stitched to my mind.

this heart led a simple life;
not too many visitors. you could even call it lazy;
i heard about a month ago she let it crawl into the
master bedroom, shriveling into the fetal position.
it built a fort of egyptian cotton sheets to live under;
protecting itself from all the ghosts and monsters that
like to lurk around the hall ways this time of year.

doesn't sound like a bad idea

your hands are turning black,
they say your aunts did too
back when she was a girl
and wore her golden shoes

you start to lose your feeling,
each finger tingling numb
a hopeless war you're fighting
thats already been won

and this is how walls get built up a mile high;
when you leave the backdoor unlocked for someone and they come in and step on every precious flower you've been watching grow each morning when you wake-
and you can't tape it back together its just dead

and they spilt red wine all over your white fur and laughed while you frantically tried to clean up the whole **** mess;

give up.

go ahead and smoke a cigarette and give up.
that stain isn't going anywhere and cleaning it won't do a **** thing, will it?